Title: I Like Fish vs. Burnt Toast
Rating: T
Summary: The alias crew host a show titled "I came up with a wacky idea to be on TV for 5 minutes" needless to say wacky fun. OneShot.
Author: 28dOOMDoom28
Disclaimer: Don't own don't sue…or in the words of Marshall "Hi, don't kill me" LOL…I should also say I don't own "I'ma little teapot" LOL…scared? You'll understand in a minute…
A/N: I think I have watched one too many host shows LOL Anyways…ENJOY!
The lights turned on and the crowd went wild. "Hello and welcome to… "I came up with a wacky idea to be on TV for 5 minutes" My name is Sydney Bristow and this is my co-host Francie Calfo."
"Hello. Today for our program we look at 4 people who have come up with the wackiest ideas!" The crowd screamed out and she smiled a little more.
"At the end of the show, our judges will tell us who they picked to be today's winner" The crowd screamed more.
"So on with the show"
Sydney looked behind her and saw their first guest. "Our first guest is Jack Bristow…my father!"
"Jack Bristow has worked as a CIA agent for many, many years and so we are expecting something delightful from him tonight."
"Take it away dad" The camera went over to Jack and he didn't smile as he pulled out a metal container.
"Hello. I bet you are wondering what I have created today to show you" he said without a smile.
"Smile, dad!" Sydney called out quietly but not quiet enough for the camera to pick it up. He didn't smile.
"I have come up with…" a drum roll for dramatic effect went off and the crowd all held their breath. "A self burning toaster. It is sure to burn all your toast and ruin your house" Everyone's jaws dropped to the ground.
"Did you hear that people? It's a self burning toaster…I'm sure everyone wants want of them!" Sydney encouraged the crowd. They all screamed for the sake of screaming but not for the "kool" invention.
"All you have to do is out your bread in here," he put a slice of bread into the toaster and pressed a button. "And then in a minute it will be ready" 3 minutes later it still hadn't popped up but black smoke was coming out of it.
"Dad? Is that toaster you were telling me about that you and Mum had?" Sydney asked getting suspicious.
"Maybe" he didn't smile or even look guilty.
"OK… Mr Bristow your 5 minutes are up." Francie said when the timer clock had finished. The camera followed him off the stage but he left his toaster there and it started to burst into flames. An emergency team who was on standby immediately ran onto the stage with fire extinguishers to put it out.
"Moving on…" Sydney broke the tension and brought the room back into reality. "Now a word from our sponsors"
"The 2006 World Yo-yo competition is here on the 31st of February so come and see it. It is one of the most waited for events this year!" Weiss said as he yo-yoed. "So book now at your nearest ticket selling place and receive a free yo-yo! That's right if you buy your tickets at your nearest ticket selling place you receive a FREE YO-YO!" Free yo-yo flashed across the screen and Weiss jumped up in joy.
The screen flashed back with the symbol for the show and the crowd cheered loudly. Sydney and Francie are next shown on the screen and they smile happily.
"Welcome back. Didn't that ad make you want to go to the yo-yo competitions? I know I did" Sydney said as she looked around the cameras.
"Well moving right along we are now going to see what Will Tippin has to show us. Sydney, a little background information if you please"
"Will Tippin has recently been working for the CIA as an analyst and before that he was working for a newspaper but after some "drug abuse" he had to go back into rehab. He is now healthy and on the road to recovery. Take it away Will!"
Will walked out onto the stage wearing something that resembled newspaper as clothing. "Hi. I'm Will and I have come up with this new style of recyclable clothing made from newspaper." He twirled a little and smiled that big goofy smile of his. He returned to his original stance and bowed. Just then the emergency fire sprinkler turned on and water started to pour down as if it were a horrible storm.
"Sorry for the incontinences, the emergency system is on a delay and has only just been activated because of the toaster. We'll be back shortly after this" Sydney said before the sound cut out and they only showed footage of what people were doing. The toaster was still pouring out black smoke, causing the sprinkler system unable to be turned off. Sydney was running away trying to protect her perfect hair. The crowd were all pulling out their umbrellas and protecting each other from the water as they didn't want to loose their seats for when the show would resume… assuming it did. Francie was sharing an umbrella with some unknown hunk. Jack Bristow had a glint in his eyes that showed amusement. Will was trying to protect himself from the water as his "clothes" were getting drenched. The writing on the pages had started to run.
An ad appeared. It was a news update. "Hello, this is Lauren Reed here for another news update. The weather is currently raining cats and dogs" An image of cats and dogs falling down from buildings appeared and then it came back to her shocked expression. "Sark, stop it! It's not funny" you could only hear a male someone's laughter in the background. "It is currently pouring down throughout the state and it is said to clear later tonight" Random cats appeared on the set and then you saw Lauren Reed backing away from them in fear of rabies.
The screen appeared back to Sydney and Francie back in their original places except they were still dripping wet. "And welcome back…again"
"We next have Marshall Flinkman who is going to show us some of his more brilliant inventions. He is in fact a genius and his IQ is unsurpassable."
"Thank you Ms Bristow" he replied when it was his turn to talk. He wiped the sweat away from this forehead and pulled out a remote control. "This here, is not your ordinary remote control. You know like 'What's on TV now?' and then" He made the motions of flicking channels. "No this remote controls this fella here" a silver looking body was rolled out. "This here is Steve" He pressed a few buttons and the body sat upright and started to flash reds and yellows.
"Hello. My name is Steve" it said. Marshall sat down on the couch provided and smiled happily, as he placed the remote down on the seat beside him.
"Steve, could you please get me a red ball" The robot opened one of the draws in its body and pulled out a red ball. It sat there for a minute as Marshall searched the couch for the remote. "I seem to have lost the remote." He put his hand down the side of the couch and the robot called "Steve" started to do some weird things. At first he just spun around in circles but then he started to pull out guns and firing them all around. Luckily it was filled with little red balls instead of bullets. But little red balls do hurt a lot and so the crowd, cast and crew were all dodging for cover.
"I like Fish" the robot said. "I like fish" the camera ripped itself away from the robot and Marshall and straight to Francie and Sydney.
"I think it's time for a commercial break" Francie nodded.
"We'll be right back"
The screen went black and then a bald man appeared on the screen, Kendall. "Having trouble with your hair?" he asked looking the camera straight in the eyes. "Have you ever considered laser hair surgery? I know I didn't but then one day I saw an ad like this and I went to have it done. It really did make a difference" A picture of Kendall with hair on appeared and it actually looked like hair instead of a toupee.
There was a short cut to Sydney laughing her head off. "Oh My God! I can't believe that. Kendall with hair…when it's a really bad toupee"
The camera switched back to Kendall and he smiled like a shark. "So call 1800-252-452 for a free private consolidation meeting…conditions may apply"
The camera shifted back to Sydney and Francie and they were in the middle of a conversation so they didn't realise that the "on air" sign was flashing.
"I have to go the shops after this and get those pair of boots I saw" Francie said, inspecting her nails.
"Francie, I can't believe you. You just got a new pair"
"But a girl can never have enough" Sydney just rolled her eyes and by this time the audience was hanging onto every word they said. "The camera is on isn't it?" she said as she turned to look at the big red sign.
"Hi, welcome back. Sorry for that. I'm sure that wonderful update on our personal lives was such a delight but I'm afraid we now must now see what our next contestant has to offer. Our next contestant is Michael Vaughn…MY BOYFRIEND!" her eyes shone. It was now Francie's turn to roll her eyes.
"So Sydney, what will Michael be showing us today?" Francie asked, still continuing to make a face.
"I'm unsure. Maybe we it's time that Vaughn comes onto the stage to show us his wonderful new invention." Sydney didn't miss a beat to chime in, catching the crowds attention once more.
Everyone waited as the spotlights lit up the entrance Vaughn was supposed to appear from.
"Ughh…Vaughn? Honey? It's ok to come out now" Michael stumbled out trying his best to look "cool".
"Hi. I'm Michael Vaughn and I have THE BEST thing to show you today, which would immediately catch your attention." Vaughn cheekily smiled and did a little pose. "I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle," Vaughn brought his left hand up onto his hip to imitate a handle. "Here is my spout," he moved his right hand to imitate a spout above his head. "When I get all steamed up hear me shout! Tip me over and pour me out" Vaughn then leant over to the right to show how you pour the tea out from the spout. He then did something unexpected and sang the next verse, which had been forgotten for all of eternity. "I'm a clever teapot, yes it's true. Here's an example of what I can do. I can change my handle to my spout," he then took a moment to switch arm positions and then he repeated the previous tipping motion. "Just tip me over and pour me out." He smiled and took a bow to the audience. Everyone remained quiet with their eyes bulging out of their sockets.
"YEAH! Go Vaughn!" but even Sydney's eyes were bulging out of their sockets. "We see your amazing skills have improved so much."
"Ok well thank you Michael. But now we have to go over to the judges for their decision." Francie smiled politely as the camera slowly shifted over to show the judges. "Today our 3 judges are; Arvin Sloane."
"Mum…I mean Irina Derevko and," Sydney added before letting Francie finish.
"Alice. Michael's ex-girlfriend," The crowd gasped when they realised that she might not like him very much. "Though she has signed many many contracts to make sure this isn't a biased show."
"Ok. So Sloane what is your verdict?"
"Hello Sydney. It's good to see you again too." He smiled warmly but at the same time it was filled with mock warmth.
"Just answer the goddamn question." Her patience was wearing thin.
"Don't we need all of our contestants here first?" Irina asked. Sydney made the 'oh' face.
Jack, Will, Marshall and the already there Vaughn lined up. "Thank you" Irina smiled to her daughter.
"Ok. Well Sloane what's your verdict?" Francie asked.
"Jack, your little invention was pathetic. It was the worst thing I have ever seen and it caused more trouble then what is worth. I think you should be kicked off this show for good." Jack looked as if he would burst into tears. "Mr Tippin, your invention was a little more logical and if it hadn't have been for Jack's mistake you would win this competition hands down. You were very creative using the old articles you wrote as clothing." Will seemed to be happy with his comments. It was a lot better then Jacks. "Marshall that invention was alright, but considering your IQ you should have presented something a little more impressive then a robot with a fascination with fish and red balls." Marshall actually broke down into tears. Nobody had ever been so mean about one of his inventions before. "Vaughn, you didn't ever have an invention. You just danced to I'm a little teapot. And poorly at that." Vaughn looked heartbroken. But everyone knows that Sloane was the hardest judge.
"Ok. Thank you. Well now Mum, what did you think of each of the contestants"
"Jack you have my best liking. I can't believe you kept our old toaster" Irina smiled at her husband. Jack seemed to cheer up a little because of it too. "Mr Tippin I really liked that design and would love to see it used in an alias one day. Now, Marshall your robot was a tad disappointing. Though because I like fish I will rate you a little higher. Vaughn, I really dislike you now after what you did to my daughter and your dance was horrible. You have received no points from me at all." Vaughn then fell to the ground in pain at the words.
"Ok lastly Alice what did you think?"
"I'm going to keep this short since this is already 5 pages long"
"Ok?" Sydney said slightly confused at what was coming out of the blondes' mouth.
"Well Jack I thought it was good except that it was a really old toaster. If you need a new one drop by and I'll see if I can give you one of my old ones which keep on piling up. Will can I have your number? Maybe we could get a cup of coffee some time. Anyways, just because I think you're cute you get my highest vote. Now Marshall, I've never seen any of your inventions before so I can't say anything. But there were a few bugs obviously in the program and I really liked it. Vaughn I can't believe you dumped me for Sydney and even worse you just came onto the show to do I'm a little teapot. I don't care if you do have a cute ass, you should have come more prepared. Thank you"
The camera quickly shifted back to Sydney, Francie and the contestants.
"Hi. Now that we've heard what the judges have to say let's give them a minute to discuss who they think the winner should be." Sydney said while giving her biggest fake smile as her boyfriend had just been insulted 3 times over.
In the background you could see a certain blue eyed, blonde haired stranger was poking Vaughn and annoying him just to get a rise. And not to be unsuccessful.
"JUST STOP IT SARK!" Vaughn had cracked it. Sark smirked before pulling out a simple glock and shot him in the arm. Vaughn didn't look happy to say the least and neither did Sydney. Sydney started to charge at Sark with her microphone and it magically turned into a high powered assault rifle.
"Mwahahahahahah! Sark you're going down." Sydney screamed out as the three of them ran off camera.
"Ok. Well as interesting as that was, we now have to come back to our judges decision. Irina?" Francie continued as soon as she thought it would be safe to speak.
"Well we have awarded first prize to Will Tippin. Second Prize goes to Jack Bristow. Third to Marshall Flinkman and Michael Vaughn has been disqualified because he had nothing useful to show us." Each contestant jumped with joy, except for Jack who was silently flirting with Irina.
"Well we hope you enjoyed the show. Stay tuned and until next time…KEEP IT RANDOM!"
A/N: oooooooooooooook…0.0;;;; heh heh…oh well. I'm sorry if I insulted Vaughn a bit much for your liking but I'm a Sarkney shipper so…heh! Anyways…tell me what you thought of what I found floating around in one of my older files from earlier this year. Thank you for reading.