Disclaimer: first chapter, because I'm too lazy to write it... again.
Kuroi-chan's disclaimer: The nickname Sagi-chan is copyrighted to Kuroi. Any other who uses it will be mocked, laughed at, and will ultimately suffer at the hands of her vengeful and depressing wrath. That and she'll nag me into yelling at you.
Saaski-chan's disclaimer: The nickname Leeni-chan is copyrighted to Saaski. Use it and die.
AN: Greetings and my apologies for the delay and stupidity of this chapter. I would like to request right now that the reader(s) please ignore any and all Sponge-Bob references in this chapter. At the same time, I would like to apologize in advance if the accursed song of doom gets stuck in your head(s). That being said, I will now dedicate this chapter to... er... the thirty-third person who reviews it. Congratulations, you win.
Chapter 10
Sasuke stared at his Life Experiences teacher with a look that managed to combine utter hatred and complete horror. He had not just heard those words come out of the man's mouth. He would have understood if their next project had been something simple that involved a lot of bookwork. Or even group work, he could have dealt with that.
But this... this was unthinkable.
This... was torture.
Maybe he could kill Jiraiya-sensei and get himself out of the assignment.
Chirp. Chirr- oh, it isn't even worth it any more.
Across the room, Naruto was discussing the same project with Gaara and Shikamaru with obvious enthusiasm. Gaara and Shikamaru, on the other hand weren't really paying any attention to their blond friend in favor of looking over the handout that described their assignment.
"A field trip to "Happy Homes: A Center for the Incurably Insane"," Gaara muttered, reading over the main heading again to make sure he hadn't misread it in his shock.
"In which a group of three is supposed to talk to one of the patients and come to an understanding about different types of insanity." Shikamaru continued reading, his lazy voice sounding distinctly annoyed.
"There's even a list of the possible patients!" Naruto said, pointing to the second sheet in which a long list of names was typed neatly.
"How troublesome," Shikamaru decided before bending over his desk and proceeding to take a nap.
Gaara glared at him enviously before turning back to the list Naruto was holding.
Naturally, this was just a cheep excuse to be a little closer to Naruto that he had been two seconds ago.
"Let's see," Naruto said, scanning the relatively short list of patient's names. "These are supposed to be the sanest of the lot..." He blinked staring down at one of the names before turning over to Shikamaru.
"Oi!" He said, poking said sleeping boy. "Did you know that your mothers name is on this list?"
Sasuke, having somehow heard this from the other side of the room, perked up, thinking that perhaps somebody else could share his pain.
Shikamaru, however, just shrugged and responded with a: "I told you, my mother cursed me with bad luck before she was institutionalized. What did you think I meant by that?"
Naruto shrugged and turned back to the list. "My brain has never been my strongest feature." He said offhandedly.
Gaara, Shukaku and the crickets nodded their agreement.
"Hey!" Naruto said, still staring at the list of names. "That name looks familiar too!"
"You mean, Uchiha Itachi?" Gaara asked loudly, attracting the attention of the entire class.
"No, I already knew that Sasuke's Older Brother was a Complete Loony. I was talking about this name here, right under Sasuke's Cross-Dressing and Really Stupid Brother." He pointed at the name underneath 'Uchiha Itachi' at the name that simply read: "Ino."
There was no family name, it was simply: "Ino."
Naruto left himself to ponder over this strange name, while the rest of the class crowded around Sasuke, begging to know details about his insane brother. Sasuke, while doing the classic teenage: "I wish the floor would open up right now and swallow me" thing, proceeded to add: "And I realllllllllllly wish that somebody would figure out how amazingly gay Naruto is and make his life a living hell". He sure as hell wasn't going to tell anyone – Sasuke valued his life too much for Gaara to kill him at an early age – but somebody was bound to figure it out.
Eventually.
And, as stated in the last two chapters, rumors were already circulating about Iruka-sensei and Kakashi. However, it seemed that the latest development in Sasuke's life had just sent those rumors back to the mill for at least two more chapters.
Sasuke turned to his boyfriend Neji, who was doing his best to think only clean and pure thoughts. "Neji..." the Uchiha whined. "Is mass murder still illegal?"
"Unfortunately," Neji replied, staring at the group of fan-girls surrounding his Sasuke-chan.
"Okay class!" Jiraiya-sensei said, beaming at them. "We're off for a day at Happy Homes!"
Naruto cheered while Sasuke groaned.
Neji desperately tried to hold back another nosebleed.
Gaara kicked Shikamaru in order to wake him up, and the rest of the class shuffled along to the beat up vehicle that the Konoha School District liked to pretend was a bus. Well, it might have been a bus at one time... a long, long, long time ago. But now... it was like a death-trap... on wheels.
"I'm starting to feel this unlucky curse a little bit more, for some reason," Shikamaru said randomly, staring up at the rusted over er... former bus.
Naruto sweatdropped. "Don't worry," he tried to consol his new friend. "Gaara will manage to kill somebody with sand before this bus fails the school."
Shikamaru eyed Gaara for a moment, taking in the swirl of sand around said red heads feet that seemed to move along with his will. He wasn't reassured.
Gaara smirked ferally at the boy before stepping onto the bus. "Naruto," he barked, sending the rest of the class diving under the shredded seats. "Come sit with me."
"But what about Shikamaru?" Naruto asked, climbing on the bus and sitting down next to his friend.
Gaara shrugged and glared at Shikamaru – who had taken the seat across the aisle from them – and then at Rock Lee, who happened to be sitting there as well.
Lee quaked under the glare and immediately began running over his mental list of things not to say around Gaara. 1) Nothing about eye makeup. 2) Nothing about anything at all. 3) Just don't talk! Seems easy enough, Lee thought to himself.
"Are ya' ready kids?" Jiraiya-sensei hollered, leaping into the driver's seat and turning the key. The bus began shaking violently.
"Aye, aye, Captian!" Lee shouted over the noise of the bus.
Chirp. Chirrp?
The rest of the class sweatdropped at the very obvious Sponge-Bob refrence, while the author beat herself with a stupid stick.
"What?" Jiraiya-sensei shouted, unsure if somebody had spoken or not. "I can't hear you!"
"I said! Aye, aye, Captian!" Lee shouted again, just as the bus stalled and went silent.
Chirp. Chirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp.
(At this moment, there will be a pause while the author tries to salvage the fic, please do not mind this delay. (Insert elevator music and dancing chibi's over the sound of chainsaws) Thank you, the author is fairly certain that the problem has been solved and that Sponge-Bob has been successfully killed.)
"Dude," Naruto commented into the silence of the bus, turning all attention back to him. "He's even dorkier than I am."
Gaara, always willing to make fun of Lee, nodded his agreement. The rest of the class hastened to follow, not wanting to disagree with something that Gaara so passionately believed.
Shukaku chuckled sadistically and removed his teeth from Lee's ankles. Finally! He had managed to get into Gaara's good graces! He had managed to manipulate the one that Gaara hated (though, not at much as he hated Sasuke) and put him Shukaku back into Gaara's good graces.
Or, the raccoon would have if anybody other than Naruto could ever be in Gaara's good graces.
Thankfully, the bus ride to Happy Homes was quickly skipped over so that some real Sasuke-Torture and Shikamaru-Torture could begin.
"SASU-CHAN!" A voice screamed over the din of the still slowing bus.
A pink clad figure dove in front of the oncoming vehicle, and Jiraiya-sensei only barely managed to avoid a life-time sentence for Vehicular Manslaughter.
"How does he know you're on the bus?" Neji wondered, staring wide-eyed as a few orderlies rushed out of the brick building to attempt restraining Itachi.
Sasuke just shook his head in denial.
"SASU-CHAN! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! YOU CAME TO SEE ME AGAIN! DID YOU BRING YOUR FLATCHESTED GIRLFRIEND AGAIN? CAN I POKE HER AGAIN?!" Itachi continued to scream, even though he had been sedated and was now restrained in a straightjacket.
Sasuke started beating his head against the window, hoping to save himself with unconsciousness.
Meanwhile, everybody else had gotten off of the bus and was now giving the screaming patient a wide berth on their way into the main lobby of Happy Homes. At least two dozen other patients were cowering in corners, screaming, or sobbing uncontrollably.
Naruto's group however – which consisted of himself, Gaara and Shikamaru – was still outside, standing near Itachi.
"I like you." Naruto decided, smiling widely at Itachi. "Can we study you for scientific reasons? We promise not to inject any poisons into your bloodstream."
Gaara frowned, not liking that last part at all. Shikamaru stared up at the clouds.
Itachi stared at the blond for a moment before squealing and glomping him. Or, trying to glomp him. It didn't quite work because of the little fact that he was still wearing a straightjacket.
"SASU-CHAN!" Itachi screamed. "I LIKE YOUR BLOND FRIEND! HE'S BETTER THEN THE FLATCHESTED GIRL! CAN I KEEP HIM?!"
Naruto beamed while Gaara and Shikamaru growled angrily.
Still on the bus, Sasuke finally managed to beat himself unconscious, and Neji was sporting a new nosebleed. This is because the author has no idea what else to do with Neji at this point, so she will simply have him pass out as well.
Back to Naruto... at this point, the blond is leading his new test-subject back into the Happy Homes lobby, Gaara and Shikamaru trailing dejectedly along behind him.
All three of them failed to notice that a certain blond haired girl was now trailing Shikamaru (and hence all of them) into the building. They also failed to notice when said girl hid behind the couch they were now occupying and when she started snapping pictures of Shikamaru with a very old, and thus very loud, tri-pod "spy camera".
"Ino!" A nurse screamed twenty minutes later, causing each and every patient other than Itachi to scream. Itachi simply waved at the nurse happily, having been released from his jacket a few minutes prior.
"Orochimaru-san," the girl behind the couch whimpered, her blue eyes going wide as a nurse wearing a pretty pink kimono stomped up to them.
"ORO-CHAN!" Itachi squealed jumping up and glomping onto the nurse. "YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!! I THOUGHT THAT POINSON WOULD GET YOU FOR SURE!!"
Naruto sweatdropped.
The crickets hopped up for a timely bout of chirping.
A random patient ran by, Shukaku hot on his ankles.
The nurse, Orochimaru, glared down at the cross-dresser in his arms. "Unfortunately for you, Uchiha," he muttered. "I happen to be immortal. BWAHAHAHA!"
"YEAH. GO FIGURE." Itachi mused at the top of his vocal chords.
"Anyway," Orochimaru-san said, turning back to Ino, who had just snapped another twenty or so pictures of Shikamaru, who still hadn't noticed her. "Ino, it is time for your flower arrangement class."
Ino ignored him in favor of readjusting her tri-pod to catch a better angle.
"Ino! Get the (censored) into the flower class before I (ensored) (censored) (censored)!"
Ino screamed, finally gaining the attention of Shikamaru, before she hoisted her tripod onto her shoulder and bolted, hitting a wall or two in her desperate attempt to leave the lobby.
"You can't catch me!" She cried before disappearing completely. "I'm the gingerbread man!"
-A few hours later, back on the bus-
"Sasuke! You should have told me your brother was so cool!" Naruto enthused, grinning happily at the now conscious Moody-Teen.
"You should have told me that your guardian is a closet homosexual." Sasuke replied meanly.
"I could say the same for yours," Gaara snarled, doing his best to comfort Naruto's shocked self.
The rest of the bus ride was silent, except for Lee, who was now humming the Sponge-Bob-Square-Pants theme song, having gotten it stuck in his head a few hours prior. Ha-ha, the poor soul. The author knows well the pain of having that song stuck in her head.
AN: Again, please don't kill me for the Sponge-Bob references. Those were mistakes. That being said... I'm thinking that Gaara will be singing the Doom Song next chapter. Maybe a little more plot development as well.
Maybe.