Story- I'm too sexy for a razor!

Type- Two-Part One-Shot, really a short story.

Inspired by- M.P.'s ramblings of what soothes her the most and her super special secret.

Coupling- Roy/Edward

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Alphonse watched his brother fume.

Yes, Ed was angry and the source of his anger rested on the sharp-shooting sadist blonde known as Riza Hawkeye.

"Brother, the costumes were chosen from a hat. You might not remember this but you willingly dipped your hand into the hat and pulled out your costume slip." With that said the younger but much larger of the two turned his body back into the position he previously was in before his brother had started the fuss.

Ed's fury grew. How dare his brother accuse him! It was so not his fault that he had one of the most degrading costumes of all time! He crossed both arms and collapsed in defeat on the couch. He was tired, damn it!

"Allllphonsse! You don't understand! I can't be. I can't be-"

"Brother! I have to go as Peter Pan! How do you think I feel?" Al gazed at a book lying on the desk he was sitting at. Both had placed themselves in their favorite positions as soon as they entered their dorm. Only one had remained in said position; the other had just hopped up and paced like a caged tiger.

"Ed, what's so wrong with dressing up as a kitty? They're very cute!" Al would have taken the cat costume any day, better than being painted green.

'He's so lucky that I love him...' Ed thought from the comfort of the couch. "Because Al! Hawkeye's recommendation for this damn costume is a body suit with cat ears and an alchemically attached tail! I mean, it's like she planned this or something just to torture me!" He shook his head sideways indicating that Hawkeye's suggestion of what the costume should look like was ridiculous. "I mean, who in their right minds would choose for the costume theme 'fairy tale' characters!"

Al knew that if Ed didn't get an answer from his younger brother than the matter was settled. Alphonse picked up the lone book and began flipping through it. The light was fading fast in the room; lamps were not supposed to be used in dorms until night had fully fallen. "Brother, why don't you start your costume later? I think I'm the one who's unlucky here!" Book forgotten Al's metal body turned to face the young alchemist again.

"Heheh, sorry Al. I forgot that your costume had to be painted on..." Maybe this would provide some well needed stress relief.

Later, much later...an hour or two before the party(It could have been five minutes before the party...they really weren't counting), the Elric's dorm room looked like a battle field.

"Great Al, now all we have to do is find a feather." Ed stood back, the plastic that was placed on the floor crinkled with his weight. Green paint specks littered the black undershirt and Alphonse just stood there watching his brother haphazardly smudge his face with more paint.

"Brother, why couldn't we just use alchemy with the paint? It would have saved time and paint..."

"Because Al, as sensei would say, 'alchemy shouldn't be used for things we should do ourselves." Ed explained doing his best Izumi impression, paint brush being swung around speckling the cream-colored walls. Secretly Ed just wanted to paint his brother green.

"But brother...I give up..." Al murmured to himself as his brother dug around in their small wardrobe.

"Here Al, we can use this for your cap!" Al looked at the black cloth swatch and paint that was shown to him.

"So. Were going to use alchemy for that but we couldn't use it for the body part of the costume? Fine Ed, whatever you want." Al fidgeted on the plastic he was positioned on and watched as his brother transmuted he cloth into a hat fusing the paint's color on it.

Ed finished, green cap in hand, and brought it to his brother. "Whadda' think Al? Here try it on." He motioned for Alphonse to take the cap.

"Um, Ed..." Al held up his hands, they had been painted too. The Full Metal Alchemist sweat dropped and reached up on tippytoes to deposit the hat on Alphonse's metal head. "Hey Al, guess we don't need that feather now, that suit's ornament kinda' looks like one."

"I guess brother." Al stood with his completed costume. Except for part of his metal legs, arms and face, everything was green; even the pink apron was green.

"Good, now I gotta' do mine...crap, I'm gonna kill Mustang if he doesn't get a kick out of this damned party." The cheerful mood now forgotten. "Uh, Al. I'm gonna go clean up, if you didn't notice I'm covered in paint." Al watched his brother rotate in a clockwise motion.

"Now stay right there and don't move until you are completely dry. I'm going to hit the showers." With that said the older Elric grabbed his shower duffle.

The walk down to the men's showers was fairly quick. When he got there Ed was greeted with an empty block of showers. Perfect. The bag was then dumped onto the small shelf in the last shower stall.

"'Kay, Shampoo, check; soap, check; squeegee, check. Okay seems I have everything..." Ed nodded his head in a satisfactory gesture than began to strip. 'Let's make this fast.' The blonde thought idly scratching his left thigh. 'Crap, I'm so damn hairy. Just because I have to dress like a cat doesn't mean I have to be fuzzy like one...un hu, un huh." Ed rummaged around in the shower bag pulling out a pink razor. Hey, it wasn't his fault that he had to lift it from the women's showers! "Crap, this is so not my day." The metal blades of the razor were rusting. No way was he going to let those touch his skin.

The blonde glanced thoughtfully at the pink razor in his right auto mail hand. "This thing will take off more than hair if I try to use alchemy to fix it. Damn her...bloody Riza and her bloody points!"

'Looks like I'm going to have to pilfer another one of these things.'

Ed left the men's showers after pulling on his pants an undershirt and took a sharp left to the women's showers. With a random theme song repeating in his head he knocked gingerly on the door. Hm, that's right. No one bothered to use these showers because of the broken lock, courtesy of a Miss Riza Hawkeye.

Going boldly in, the door fell back in place as Ed started to examine under the sink for the stash of razors kept there. One would have thought that the smart thing to do would be to examine under the men's sink for razors.

'Hm, looks like they all became rusted.' A once new razor was held in Ed's hand as he inspected the blades. None of them were good to use. Head hung in defeat he placed everything that had been taken from the cabinet back. A dull pink plastic bottle dropped a good two inches to the floor as the alchemist withdrew his hand from the dark space.

The bottle was picked up. "Nair?" The blonde cocked his head in confusion..."Oh, it's used to remove hair. Well I do need hair to be removed, couldn't hurt to try it..."

The Nair was taken back to the men's showers.

'Let's see. How does this work?' Ed returned back to his stall. Surprisingly and almost very weird, the showers were still empty, besides one lone naked blonde of course.

"Ah, I'll just dump the whole bottle on." He did just that too. 'Got to wait seven minutes now.'

Five of the seven minutes were spent doing normal shower things. Ed's hair received a large dose of strawberry shampoo, massaged onto his scalp without water; he was sure that by turning on the faucet it would wash off the dripping pink that was on his legs. Soap was rubbed onto the skin using the white foam dripping down from his hair.

Everything was perfect until..."Bloody hell! It burns!" Ed threw himself into a jig as the pink liquid made a leg and half a leg feel like they were on fire. "Crap, crap, crap!" The water was immediately turned on and a crimson colored squeegee aided in removing the pink hellish liquid.

"Much better. I do not want to know why women subject themselves to that" Ed rinsed off, legs throbbing and tingling. "At least Nair got the hair off. Damn it! It's turning to paste on the auto mail."

Ed took precaution to clean everything that had the Nair on it. With matters set the shower from hell was finished.

The repeating song that Ed had played over in his head now was hummed unconsciously as he examined himself in the convenient full length mirror outside of the shower. A smirk graced his face as he rubbed his left hand up and down his right leg. Smooth and silky. "I guess even I'm to sexy for a razor now. Back to work though."

'This shouldn't be to hard to alter into a damn Puss and Boots costume.' Were his thoughts as he shook out his clean change of pants and undershirt and laid them flat. 'I guess I can alter the boots too. Don't have enough fabric though for the tail and other junk. I could use my already worn shirt. What to do for whiskers? I have to come up with something better than Hawkeye's 'tape wire to face' suggestion. Hmmm... Well I better just work on the essentials.'

His hands were clapped together several times on each piece of clothing. His worn undershirt torn to make the tail. The costume was indeed simple. Red-soled boots were altered to make them more fashionable; the leather pants were made longer and put into a flare with the extra material from the torn shirt. It was finished off with a long sleeved version of the blonde's undershirt. The tail wasn't really a tail, just a piece of black leather shaped and attached to trail down his left leg.

"Didn't that cat have a sword or something like that?" Ed gazed thoughtfully up at the ceiling. "I think he had a hat too. Well I shouldn't have to bother with those. All I need are kitty ears...hmmm. I'll do those later."

Ed left the showers in his costume. His shower bag brushed softly against his side as he made his way back to the room with Al in it. 'Ow. I wonder again why women do this to themselves.'

"Full Metal!"

"Huh?" Ed turned around to see who had called him.

'Uh oh...It's Mustang.'

"May I ask what you are doing out here in the hallway?" Roy Mustang gave Ed a once over with his eyes. "And what the hell are you wearing?"

"Uhm? I'm dressed as a cat?" Ed flashed the Colonel innocent eyes. Roy reciprocated by narrowing his own.

"Where is everyone? Hawkeye gave me a huge stack of papers to work on and when I went to look for her everyone was gone."

'Good thing he didn't check in the cafeteria.' Ed just kept staring at his flushed boss. Roy had sprinted after the blonde when he caught site of him. "Well, I last saw Hawkeye organizing a rally or something..." Hey, he couldn't fully lie to his boss.

"Okay, okay. Now about what you are wearing. Can you explain why you're dressed as a, as a cat?"

"I make a very sexy kitty. Don't you think?" The blonde did a 180 degree turn and placed a hand on his butt. "See, I even have a kitty tail."

"Your dressed like a cat because you think you look sexy? Who put that idea into your small head?" Roy cocked his head to the right and crossed both arms.

"I. Am. Not. Short!" Ed turned around and pointed his right index finger at his boss. "At least I know what's going on. You don't."

"Full Metal. What is going on? That's an order, not a question." Roy Mustang's stance hardened. 'Full Metal really does look sexy in that costume...I did not just think that...' A frown appeared on his narrow face as Ed faced his own internal battles.

'God, I can't tell him...'

"Well, you see Colonel. I would tell you if it wasn't for this itty bitty thingy." He emphasized his point by barely pinching his fingers together.

'He so just set himself up...' A smirk replace the frown, "I hope this itty bitty thing isn't you, is it?"

Golden eyes narrowed. 'Okay, ignore the peanut gallery...', "The itty bitty thingy I was talking about involves-"

Bang!

"Edward, I'm glad I found you." Riza stood with gun in had, a bullet hole now in the wall's plaster.

"Can you tell me what's going on? Here's the paperwork by the way." The colonel handed the papers to Riza as if manic gun wielding blondes were normal.

"I'm sure Full Metal here would be happy to explain what's going on in the next room, follow me."

"I would?"

"Right this way Sir, Ed please remain a moment." Riza motioned with the gun as her superior moved into the room who glanced warily at the metal in her hands.

When both blondes were in the corridor alone, Riza lowered her voice to a whisper and Ed nodded his head at the instructions: Keep his superior busy.

Ed walked into the room, noting the Mustang seemed to have taken the more comfortable piece of furniture to sit on.

"So, what did she want?"

Kachinck, Bang! Both looked in shock as the lock on the door was locked and shot, effectively sealing the room.

"She did not just do that..." Roy looked at the lock; no way would the door open unless severe force was applied.

"I would tell you what she wanted if I didn't want to risk getting shot in the head for it..." Ed thought glumly. He should be pitied, stuck in a room with Roy Mustang was a nightmare. He placed himself on the love seat "Ow."

"Hmm? What did you say Full Metal?" A glance was cast from black eyes at the smaller boy.

"It's nothing..." He said hastily.

An eyebrow was raised. "Nothing? I thought the expression 'ow' usually represented a cry of pain."

"I did something stupid. Now leave me alone."

"No, I don't think I will." Roy's eyebrows furrowed in annoyance.

"Huh? Why not? It's non of your concern why I'm ow-ing" The blonde made bunny ears at the word 'ow-ing'.

"Don't say ow-ing. You sound like a cow. Besides, you doing something stupid usually means I have to fix it in the end. Just tell me what you did so I know what to expect later on." The raven haired man moved around on the single person over stuffed chair and waved his hand in a nonchalant way. "Better to tell me now or I can give you hell until you do."

'Ugh! Why did I have to use that pink liquid from hell!' Edward lowered his head and mumbled.

"What was that?" Roy leaned his head forward unconsciously to catch the blonde's words.

"Ow," he reached down and drew his legs up to his chin, "I used Nair on my legs. Happy?"

Roy blinked owlishly. "I would if I knew what Nair was..."

Ed mumbled something again. "Pardon, didn't hear you there..."

Ed gave his boss a glare that would make lil' kids run to their mommies. "Nair," He explained through clenched teeth, "is used for hair removal..."

Roy gave the alchemist in front of him another once over with his eyes. "Why?"

"You can blame Hawkeye on that one too,"...",owww."

'Hmm?', "Here, let me see." Roy got up and walked over to the blonde.

"Um, excuse me? What are you doing?" Ed's cheeks became tinted with red as Roy Mustang had now just placed himself right next to him.

"Let me see you leg. Unless it's your arms that hurt?" He placed a thoughtful expression on his face as he glanced down at Ed's protective position.

"Stop being so childish and let me see." Roy gave an annoyed look.

"I am not childish!"

"Fine! Your not, now let me see!" The flame alchemist brought his own legs up to rest Indian style.

"Hmph." Reluctantly Ed pulled his legs out of their previous position and let his left leg dangle off the couch and right one bend at an acute angle for Roy to examine.

'Ack! He didn't have to do that!' A shocked glance was Ed's reaction at Mustang grabbing his leg and setting it in his own lap. The red tint on his cheeks evolved into a deep crimson flush, not unlike the color of his absent over coat.

"My god Full Metal! When was the last time you looked at your leg? It's showing an allergic reaction to that Nair stuff." Roy gingerly poked an especially blotchy area and earned himself a small whimper from the blonde's mouth.

"Take off you pants."

"Wha!"

Roy rolled his eyes at Ed's behavior. 'He's acting like a virgin school girl! Wait, most likely he is one minus the school girl part...hmm...Ed in a school girl uniform...Okay, so maybe I haven't gotten laid in awhile, it's his fault for acting and looking like a female.'

"No."

"Pardon? You must learn to speak up Full Metal." Roy poked Ed's leg again.

"Oww! I don't wanna take off my pants. They took forever to get in!" Ed gave a pitiful whine doing his best to win by flashing the colonel his best puppy eyes. They always worked on Al. Speaking of Al, 'I wonder what Al's doing?'

"I wonder where brother is." Al gazed around thoughtfully. The cafeteria was being gaily decorated with millions of streamers in various colors.

Hawkeye handed Al another set of streamers. "I sent him to stall the colonel. I gave him specific instructions to keep him busy for two hours. Maes will give your brother some sort of sign fo when to lead Roy down here." She said, throwing a roll of pink paper to wrap around the others streamers.

Al gave Riza a glance before he placed his own handful of streamers to decorate the tables, a hurricane made of confetti had passed by and everything was covered in shiny little pieces of paper or glitter. The vanilla frosted cake even had edible confetti on it. Ed was sure to love the cake despite it being vanilla.

"There should be a first aid kit around here." Roy had abandoned the couch after getting the blonde to discard his pants. Of course the blonde was just sitting there looking like a puppy that had just been kicked to the curb.

"Here it is." Roy held up the medic kit that had once occupied the area underneath the room's desk. "I still can't believe what you told me. Riza didn't really seem that stable that day too." he approached the flushed alchemist. 'Seems I haven't lost my touch.'

"What're you going to do?" Gold eyes blinked owlishly at the medic kit.

"There should be some salve in here that will make the pain go away."

He knelt down in front of Ed, removed the military over coat to expose his arms and removed his signature gloves. The bottle which contained a pain reliever cream was opened as well.

"Hsssh...man, that's cold!" Ed's blush increased and engulfed his whole face in red when the older of the two began to massage the cream onto the area.

"Not my fault. Rather its' the idiot's who used Nair..."

"Don't blame me for this!"

"All I said was it wasn't my fault for the cream being cold. Just the idiot's that used it."

"Well, I blame the people that come up with stuff like this!" Ed pouted crossing his arms for the umpteen times that day.

"So, where is everyone? What is everyone not telling me?" The Flame Alchemist looked at his patient.

"Sorry, I can't tell you. You can do whatever you want to me but I'm not telling." Ed set his lips into a fine line and crossed his arms.

"Really...anything?" A predatory smile greeted Ed's eyes. He did not like the looks of this. Think before you speak!

"Um...yes?" He grimaced at how weak he sounded.

"So, if I did this." Roy brought his hand up to massage the pain reliever cream near the edge of Ed's boxers, "Would you tell me?"

"Wha!" Ed snapped his eyes open to resemble what a deer would look like in a car's headlights.

Roy shrugged, still rubbing the cream with his hand. "You did say whatever I wanted to do."

"But-"

"But nothing. Are you going back on what you said?" Black eyes gazed seriously into Ed's own golden ones.

'God that feels good...', Ed didn't think he could ignore what Roy was doing to him any longer. "No I'm not...its just...your cheating!"

"Hn, really? I don't see you complaining..." Roy gave a small frown, 'Okay, play my cards right and I win either way.'

'Hmm?' Ed thought, disappointed when Mustang stopped rubbing at the sensitive area.

'Now how do I go about this? I guess the quickest way is always the best.'

Roy stood up from his position on the floor, rubbing the cream off onto his pants. "I guess I should stop, after all...what is that saying? Cheaters never win?"

"Huh? whmph!" Ed gave a startled cry as Roy locked his lips with his own.

When the awkward kiss broke Roy let the blonde look at him like he was crazy before adding, "But I must be winning due to the fact that your quite turned on by this, which means that I'm not cheating."

Ed gave the man that hovered over him his best death glare. Apparently Roy wasn't intimidated by this since he just pulled the blonde down on the floor before straddling his lithe waist and securing his wrists.

"Now you could answer my questions and leave me with my own little problem...or we can go much farther. Your call Full Metal."

'Bullet or sexual fantasy? Bullet or sexual Fantasy? Okay, bullet bad, sexual fantasy good.' Ed blinked at Roy,' That is so not a little problem!' he thought when Roy's arousal made itself known.

"Still not telling!" He pouted and would have crossed his arm if not for Roy holding them down in place.

"Fine, have it your way." Roy gave a small shrug and proceeded to capture Ed's pout with his own lips. Ed gasped when the older man ran his tongue against his lips taking the opening of the blonde's guard to fully explore the mouth.

"Mmmh, Colonel..." Ed whimpered slightly when Roy stopped his ministrations.

"You can call me Roy if you like." He replied huskily, his mouth just an inch away from the pink lips. "But, that's only if I can call you Ed."

"Mm, 'kay."

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Note-This is where the lemon would be if we were daring enough to place it here on FF(dot)net, however we are not so when there is time and we are able to sign up at AF(dot)net a link will be posted in M.P.'s profile for the uncut version of part B. Please continue and use your imagination for what happened (For now...).

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"Hughes?" Riza glanced at the grinning man. "Where's the Colonel? Didn't I send you to fetch him?"

"He's a little busy right now..." He responded and pushed his glasses up on his nose.

"What do you mean busy? Where's Ed?" Al asked, worried more for Mustang than his brother. Those two combined were bad news, especially for over two hours.

Hughes and Al watched as Riza's gun was drawn and aimed at the ceiling, Bang!

'What's going on?' Al was very confused.

"Everyone, everything was executed according to plan! Mission accomplished!"

Cheers erupted from the people that had gathered to celebrate the Colonel's birthday. 'I think I'm so out of the loop on this one. I'm not even going to ask what's going on...maybe I should though.'

"Good thing Ed didn't win with the strawberry frosting. He wouldn't have been able to enjoy it." Riza nodded her head in agreement, her costume's metal pieces jangling slightly.

"What exactly is going on?"

"When your older Al, when your older..." Both said in unison..."Hey, come take a look at these new pictures!"

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