Chapter 13

Sean's POV:

I can't believe that just happened. I've been just sitting here on the beach for about 30 minutes thinking about it. How could I be so stupid? How could I let that opportunity that I've been waiting for just slip away? I've wanted this for a long time. How could I just stand there like an idiot and not say anything? I'm such a fucking moron! What is wrong with me? My thoughts are racing a mile a minute and my heart feels like it hurts…like it's broken somehow. Maybe it's breaking for Em. How could I do that to someone I care about so much. Suddenly Tyler comes up beside me and sits down.

"Where've you been Cameron? I haven't seen you all night."

"Probably because you were upstairs with Miss Wasaga High."

Tyler and I both laugh.

"Well hey man once you left I had to tend to all the willing hotties you left behind!"

"Well I guess so. But that's ok, you can have them. There's only one hottie I want anyways…the only one I care about."

"Let me guess…Emma?"

"Yep, but I seem to always find a way to screw it up majorly!"

"What'd you do this time man?"

"She told me she loved me."

"So what's the problem with that?"

"The problem is that I couldn't say it back. I don't know what's wrong with me! I do love her! I don't know why I just couldn't say it to her."

"Sean how many women have you told that you loved them before?"

"Five."

"I mean how many have you told when you actually meant it?"

"Oh, um three."

"Who?"

"Ellie, Emma, and my mom."

"Ok, now when you told Emma the first time did you mean it with all your heart?"

"Now see that's where I'm not sure. I know now that I love her. But when I told her back in ninth grade, it was really random."

"Tell me what happened."

"Well we were on my couch, making out of course, Tracker wasn't home. And there was some cheesy movie on TV. She was underneath me and….."

FLASHBACK (Still Sean's POV)

Wow. This is the most amazing make out session Emma and I have ever had. Things are starting to heat up. (Emma moves her hand up the back of Sean's shirt and lightly traces invisible lines on his skin with the tip of her finger.) WHOA! Ok…she's starting to REALLY turn me on now. I'll play at that game Em. I start to move my hand up her shirt. I just rest it on her stomach…stroking invisible lines like she is. She seems to like that because her legs, which my body is resting between, move together overtop of my back. Her hands tangle further into my hair. Then I move my mouth to her neck and start kissing and sucking and everything else. Emma moves her head to the side and lets out a pleased sigh.

"Sean…."

OH GOD! Did she have to whisper that ever so sexy like that? DAMN!

I go back to kissing her, slipping my tongue in her mouth again. Her fingernails are now digging into my back. I cautiously move my hand to her jeans button. WHOA! This is a big surprise, she hasn't stopped me yet. She doesn't seem to realize what's going on. It's like she's in some kind of ecstasy or something…the same kind I'm in whenever we get into one of our heated make out sessions. I hesitantly slip my hand into her panties. That's when she seems to realize what's going on and she puts her hand on mine and pushes it away.

"Sean, stop. I'm sorry…I just…can't." She says buttoning her jeans back up and sitting up when I do.

Oh crap! Bad move Cameron! I run my hand through my hair, like I always do when I'm nervous.

"I'm sorry Em, I didn't mean to…"

She smiles at me and hugs me.

"It's ok. I'm just not ready for that next step yet."

"And you don't have to be…I didn't mean to push you."

"It's ok."

Then she kissed me, it wasn't hard and sexy like what the other kisses were. It was slow, but yet still sweetly passionate. I'll never forget that kiss. It was like a deeper ecstasy than what I already get into when Emma kisses me. I was in such a daze that it just slipped out.

"I love you Emma."

She looked at me completely shocked…hell I was completely shocked! Then she got a smile on her face that was so amazing…her smiles always makes me feel weak at the knees. I smiled back at her just as big.

"I love you too Sean!"

Then she pulled me into a huge hug before kissing me, this time harder.

I'm not really sure if I do love Emma, I mean yeah I care about her with depth and intensity that no one else will ever understand. But I don't even know if I believe in love….

END FLASHBACK

"Ok, well then man that means that you weren't really sure if you loved her loved her or not. So it doesn't count. Next."

I was going to protest but Tyler always seems to have a point and always seems to be right. So I just continued.

"I told Ellie I loved her."

"Did you really mean that?"

"Not fully…with half of my heart I meant it, but the other half was still in love with Emma."

"Ok so then that doesn't really count either. Next."

I guess Tyler's right…wow…shockers.

"My m-mom."

"Did you mean it?"

"I'll tell you the truth man. I meant it with all my heart. I truly did mean it, she was my mom."

"Yeah, but then things started to change, didn't they? Your mom soon became an alcoholic and she treated you differently."

"Yeah…she was always yelling and throwing things…she didn't seem to care anymore. She even…she even hit me a few times."

I just now realized that a few tears were sliding down my cheeks. Oh my God. I think I just realized what Tyler is trying to tell me.

"Well there's your answer Sean. You love Emma with all your heart, even more than your mom. And you're scared to tell her because you're scared she's going to change into some kind of monster…you think she'll hate you."

He's completely right! Why didn't I see it before?

"I just don't want to hurt her…or do something to make her hate me. I just can't live without her! I love her too much!"
Suddenly it felt like there was an explosion in my heart. I felt like it was going to burst. I felt like an epiphany had just been discovered in the back of my mind and deep down in my heart. I LOVE EMMA CHRISTINE NELSON! And now that I know that for sure, I'm ready to scream it to the world! I look at Tyler, as if he was my guidance on what to do next.

"Go man. She's probably half way back to Degrassi by now."

I looked at him almost completely dumbfounded.

"GO!"

When he yelled it was like I was awakened from some kind of a trance or something. I knew what I had to do. I gave Tyler a look, thanking him with my eyes and ran off towards my truck.

So what do you think? I wasn't as satisfied with this chapter as much as I was with the last chapter but I hope it covers Sean's thinking process. It may seem stupid but parents can really screw kids up…Just look at Craig, and Ellie, and Sean, and Jimmy, and Marco's dad, and heck even Emma's parents….OH and we can't forget my newfound HATE for Manny's dad. I may dislike Manny extremely but she acts the way she does because of the way her parents treat her. Emma went to the ravine because her parents were walking on eggshells around her…AND SEAN but still. Ellie cut because of her mom being an alcoholic. Craig almost committed suicide because his dad was abusive—they never showed this part on the-N but they have it on the DVD, when Craig and Sean are standing on the railroad tracks a train comes and Sean saves Craig. Marco had huge problems with being gay in the beginning because of his dad. Jimmy was always upset first season because his parents were never home…he seemed to have some abandonment issues with Ash first season. Made my point? Please don't hate me if this chapter sucked ass. But trust me! It will get better.

PREVIEW FOR THE NEXT FEW CHAPTERS: Emma reveals some secrets to Alex. Jay gets second thoughts about telling Alex about the ravine and asks Craig for advice. Emma needs some advice on Sean…she needs to know some things. So she has a talk with Ellie…and AMY! Tracker has a big secret to reveal but decides against it because of Sean and Emma's newest fight. Sean's driving like a maniac trying to get back to Degrassi in time to tell Emma about his newest epiphany….but will she still be there when he returns? Emma still feels like she needs to talk to someone about her and Sean's relationship…so she talks to someone who's been through hell and back with her past relationships….someone she hasn't spoken to since the abortion HINT HINT haha. Ash is having trouble with her London boyfriend and comes back to Degrassi to visit her family…and Craig! Ellie is having a hard time trusting her mom again since she moved back home when Sean came back…she finds out something she'd never expect from her mother the alcoholic. Spike is revaluating her relationship with Snake now that he again has cancer, her thoughts drift to Shane and she thinks about going to visit him. It's Joey's birthday and he hasn't talked to Caitlin since she left him, but she sends him a present…it threatens his chances with his new girlfriend. Paige starts dwelling on the past after her and Matt's new breakup. This whole Emma and Sean thing makes her think back to her first love—Spinner Mason…but is she ready to forgive him for practically cheating with Manny? Toby seems to be spiraling downward farther and farther since the shooting…everyone who went through the shooting also went through changes, except Toby, what will he do when his life seems completely out of control?

DEGRASSI IT GOES THERE!

OH! And I forgot to say that Jay and Spinner never set up the paint or told Rick Jimmy was behind it…some other kids that they didn't know did and they got caught and expelled from DCS.