Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms

The Pine Cone Tree

Harry, Dave, and all the Weasleys were running through King's Cross train station to make it in time for the departure of the Hogfarts Express.

"Okay, Percy, Fred, George, you first," Mr. Weasley shouted.

The three went to the barrier of platform 9 ¾ and pressed the elevator door. No Muggle saw this because they're too stupid.

After they went down, Mr. and Mrs. Weasley went along with Ginny to make sure she got through okay.

Now Harry, Dave, and Ron were alone. They ran full speed to the elevator and crashed.

All the Muggles went to see what happened.

"What the hell are you doing?" one of them asked.

"Sorry, you lost control of the trolleys," Harry said.

Everyone then walked away.

"How much time do we have?"

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one...zero seconds," Ron said.

"I hate you," Harry said. "Now what do we do?"

Moments later, they were in the flying car and on their way to Hogwarts. Of course they had to turn the car invisible.

They were flying for hours in the hot, smelly car.

Harry was asleep. He dreamed that the Dursleys were beating the crap out of him while he was at Hogwarts and everyone at the school was watching. Everyone was laughing. Stevie Wonder had wet himself laughing. So did Snape. Even Professor Dumbledore was beside himself.

"Dumbledore, why!" Harry cried.

"I'm bored. I need to get some excitement before I die," Dumbledore answered.

Then their were his friends. Hermione, Ron, and especially Dave were sitting in the audience, eating popcorn and shouting at him.

"That's right, you take that, Harry!" Hermione yelled.

"Yeah, you're getting beat like a slave!" Ron yelled.

Dave side-kicked him out of a window.

Harry was still dreaming when Dave fell asleep.

I'm not going to tell you about his because it involves sexual things with him and Hermione.

"Aw, come on," Dave said in his sleep. "This is an R-rated story."

Exactly; it's R-rated, not NC-17.

"What about those people who post sex scenes on this site and never get caught? And don't act like you don't know because you even read them!"

Oh, yeah. So you want me to tell them?

"Hell yeah!"

Okay...

Too bad.

"Fuck you!"

Ron was asleep also. Wait a minute, wasn't he driving? Oh, shit! Watch out for that-

The car crashed into a tree. Everyone woke up.

"Ron, you jackass!" Harry scolded. "Why did you go to sleep?"

"Hey, you were asleep, too! Plus I was tired."

He took out his wand.

"At least my wands all right."

At that instant, Dave took his wand and broke it in half.

"DAVE! WHAT THE FUCK, DUDE!"

"You better hope that I don't break your important wand!"

"Uh?"

"You know, your 'man wand'."

"Oh... Ugh!"

"Anyway, how do we get down from here?"

Suddenly, a branch hit the car. More branches mashed up the car by the time they realized what was going on. Harry was screaming like a baby.

"AHHHH! WE'RE GONNA DIE! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE! I'M STILL A VIRGIN!"

An awkward silence. Ron and Dave stared at him.

"Oh, yeah, us too," they said, and then, "AHHHHHHH! WE'RE STILL VIRGINS, TOO! HAVE MERCY!"

Now, coincidently, there were three female teachers who were walking pass who over heard these cries.

"They're still virgins?" one said. "Geez, I'm only twenty, and I've been laid hundreds of times."

They all laughed.

Back in the car, a branch hit the roof and knocked Dave out. Another branch went through the front and hit Ron in the beanbag. Several branches hit Harry.

The car fell down a few more beatings later. The car threw the boys and their stuff out of it and drove off.

"Damn kids!" it yelled as it went into the forest. "I'll get you next time!"

Just then, the tree lurched backwards, getting ready to hit them.

"Run! Wait, our stuff!"

They threw their things out of the way of the tree and, like jackasses, ran forward instead of sidewalks where the stuff was.

The tree hit the ground with incredible force, but just missed them. Unfortunately, one of the branches caught Ron's trousers and boxers, pulling them down in front of the teachers. They stood there aghast.

"Wow. No wonder he's still a virgin," one of them said.

The teachers laughed. Harry and Dave laughed. Ron laughed... for a moment.

"Hey, shut up!" he said.

"Come on, you guys, we got to get to the school," Harry said.

They got their stuff and ran to the school.

Uh, is it just me, or does something seem unfinished here?

They walked into the school and ran into Filch.

"Hello, lads. How was your summer?" he asked.

"Uh, pretty go-"

"SHUT UP! You're going to Snape, you little bastards! Now come on!"

They walked into Snape's office a little later, where he was reading the Daily Prophet®. He looked up at them.

"I'll see you in Hell," Filch said, leaving, "and hopefully you'll get laid before that," he said to Ron, who glared at him.

"Sit down," Snape said.

They sat down on moth-eaten stools.

"Do you have any idea of what you have done?"

"No."

"Well, first of all, you were seen by several Muggles on your little 'adventure', you caused extensive damage to the Whomping Pine Cone Tree, and Ronald Weasley is still a virgin!"

How does everyone know that? Ron thought, angrily.

See, something's not finished.

"Well, anyway," Snape continued, "if it were up to me, you three would be expelled!"

"But guess what, bitch? It's not up to you!"

They all turned to the door. Albus Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall were standing there.

"But sir-"

"Don't 'but sir' me, you old fuck!" Dumbledore snapped.

Everyone was amazed; Dumbledore had never spoken like that before.

"They are staying in school, whether you like it or not. So shut up, or I'll perform a spell to break your wand!"

"My wand?"

"You know, your 'man wand'."

"Oh... Ugh!"

"So Hairy Boy, Ronald Trump, Dave... Dave, you go straight to the Great Hall and enjoy yourselves and get laid!"

What the hell? Ron thought.

And this is what never got happened:

"Ron dear," McGonagall said to Ron. "I know you're still a virgin (Ron glared at her), but would you be a gentleman and PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!"

Ron looked down. Sure enough, his boxers and trousers were still down.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly as he pulled them back up.

The three boys left in a hurry to avoid Dumbledore's rage.

"Albus, you really need to stop drinking."

"I'll do what ever I want, mother!"

Wow, writer's block. Actually, what happened was I started an action story and I lost track of this one. Sorry about that, but thanks for waiting. Hopefully I can get the next chapter in by Saturday to keep up with my two-week Friday deadlines again. Thanks for reading!