Harry Potter and the Broom Closets of Brooms

Jackov Brukindik

The next morning was obviously the first day of school. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Dave ran down to Herbology class.

They made it to the greenhouses and took their seats with the rest of the students. Stevie Wonder and the Jackson second year were there as well.

A while later, Professor Sprout came out of the back room. Unfortunately, due to her overweightness, she could not get through the door that easily and had to have three students pull her out.

"Good morning children," she growled in her James Earl Jones sort of voice.

"Good morning," the students said, and later Ron whispered, "Sandbag."

She heard him.

"Weasley, I would suggest you get yourself some manners," she said.

"They're too expensive for him," Dave said, out loud so everyone could hear him.

Everyone laughed, even Stevie and the Professor.

"Now class," she said once everyone settled down, "we are going to learn about Mandrakes. Who can tell me what a Mandrake is?"

Only Hermione raised her hand because she's a big, fat know-it-all.

"Shut up," she said like the silly bitch she is. "Stop talking about me!"

She turned her big head towards Proawry y"T468uij

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Sorry about that, but Hermione hit me. Anyway, her smartest majesty turned her beautifully shaped head towards Professor Sprout.

"Thank you," she said, very approvingly. "Anyway, the Mandrake is an extremely important plant that is used to change a person who has been Petrified to their original state."

"Good job. I didn't understand a word you said, so it must be accurate. Ten points to Foxx! Can anyone tell me more?"

"Well," Hermione started, "the cry of a Mandrake only effects males."

"Great job. Ten more points!"

"Smart ass," Ron whispered.

"Mr. Weasley," the professor said, "maybe a detention would do you some good."

"So would a penny," Dave said, and everyone laughed again.

"Now, Mandrake's cries are only fatal to men, but since you guys are boys, I won't effect you as much. Now, all the boys grab a cup and put it on in the bathroom."

Confused, the boys went into the bathroom with the cup in front of them and came back out with them on.

"Now," the professor continued. "To repot a Mandrake, you must grab its stems-"

Everyone grabbed their plants' stems.

"-and then pull it straight up!"

Everyone did, and the horribly ugly babies come out, crying. All the boys gave out yelps of pain. Neville was on the floor crying until he finally passed out.

"Great," Professor Sprout said. "Hopefully now he won't be able to reproduce. You all know what the world would be like if that happened."

No one wanted to think about that. Hermione raised her hand.

"Even if he was able to reproduce," she said once she was called on, "no girl would even think about sleeping with him, would they?"

"Quite correct you are. That's ten more points to Foxx!"

"Know-it-all," Ron said.

"Mr. Weasley," the professor said, "you really can't afford another detention."

"Just like he can't afford anything else," Dave said, making everyone laugh again, even the unconscious Neville.

We'll skip to lunch time because... Anyway, Ron had just finished taping his wand together. Suddenly, a boy with a Muggle camera popped out of nowhere and took a picture of Harry. Because he wears glasses, the light magnified and burned his eyes.

"Hello, Harry," said the squeaky-voice kid. "I'm Colin Creevey. I'm a big fan of yours. I've read your biography 12 times. I've even written my own fanfiction about you. I can't believe I'm actually meeting you in person!"

Ironically, all Harry heard was, "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!"

Suddenly, Ron's family owl came flying in. It fell on the table with a crash. Colin took a picture. All the Jackson laughed. The owl had an arrow lodged through its body.

"Oh, no!" Ron screamed.

"I think it's still edible," Dave said.

Everyone stared at him.

"Hey, in my neighborhood, we ate anything we could find on the ground."

"It's not that, it's that."

The owl held a red envelope in its beak. Ron took it as if it were a bomb. It was a Letter That Screams Whatever's Written On The Letter Inside The Envelope ( an L.T.S.W.W.O.T.L.I.T.E.).

He opened, and his mother's voice yelled throughout the whole school.

"RONALD WEASLEY! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING FLYING THAT CAR TO HOGWARTS? DID YOU THINK YOU WERE BEING COOL? DID YOU THINK YOU'D FINALLY GET NOTICED? I AM ABSOLUTELY DIS- Please deposit two more Sickles for the next twenty seconds. While you look throughout your house for some change because you're poor shitheads, why get a REAL JOB! You Weasleys make me- ANYWAY, I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! IF YOU SCREW UP ONE MORE TIME I WILL COME OVER THERE, STRIP YOU AND YOUR BABY DICK NAKED IN FRONT OF ALL YOUR GIRLFRIENDS (NOT THAT YOU HAVE ANY), AND WHIP YOUR VIRGIN ASS LIKE A SLAVE!"

BOOM! Dave shot the L.T.S.W.W.O.T.L.I.T.E with a pistol. Everyone stared at him.

"I don't like that word!"

Colin was about to say, "You mean sl-"

"Sleeves!" Harry interrupted. "Sleeves is a pretty nasty word."

Now everyone was looking at Ron, particularly the girls. Then, they all laughed. Ron started crying like a baby and then ran out of the room as he wet his pants.

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, everyone kept pointing and snickering at Ron, especially Stevie Wonder and his Jackson pals.

Even Hermione, who was sitting next to him, kept taking short glances at his crotch and covering her mouth to laugh.

"Come on, my son," Dave said, "I have a penus deformation too."

"Really?" Ron said, cheerfully.

"Yeah. That it's too damn big!"

"I'm a witness," Hermione said in a seductive voice and then grins at Dave.

"Okay, you know what," Harry said, "that's just too much information. It's the first day of school for Christ's sake!"

"Christ?" a Foxx student said. "Who's that?"

"Never mind."

Everyone waited to see who the new teacher was. Out of the room came none other than... Jackov Brukindik!

"Yes it's me. The greatest wizard of all time has come to teach at Hogwarts."

All of the boys rolled their eyes while the girls and looked at him with admiration.

"He's so handsome," Hermione said.

"What the hell are you doing?" Dave asked.

"Nothing!" Hermione suddenly responsed as she took her hand out of her pants.

"Now for our first lesson," Brukindik said, "we will fight invisible bats!"

He pulled a certain from off a cage to reveal... an empty cage. Everyone laughed. Then, he released them.

Nothing happened. Then, blood started pouring from a students fourhead. He scream. Then, books turned into streads. Girls hair started to get pulled. Then Neville was pulled by his ears to the ceiling. Stevie Wonder was bitten in the butt.

Brukindik was gone in a flash. The students started to run out of the classroom.

Now only Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dave were left. Dave was shooting every bat with a shotgun. When blood splattered on his arm, it burned through and he yelled. Then Hermione used a spell to freeze all of them.

"Well, I learned a lot today," Harry said. "That Brukindik is a fraud."

"No he's not," Hermione defended. "He's a very good teacher!"

"What the hell are you doing!" Dave asked.

"Nothing!" she immediately responded, taking her hand out of her pants again.

Hello again! I went on a little Christmas/New Years break, and it was just cool! Anyway, I'm back on track, so every two weeks on Friday (I know today's Saturday, I'm sorry) I'll update. That's a promise. Hopefully this chapter, which was mostly done today, is funny enough for our standards. Well, thanks for reading, and have a safe (fake cough), and happy New Year!