Harry Potter and the Broom Closet of Brooms

Black Blood and Guts

The next day, Harry and the rest of the Foxx Quidditch team were going out for their first practice when they ran into the Jackson Quidditch team. Oliver Wood, the Foxx Quidditch team's captain, went up to Marco Flunt, the Jackson Quidditch team captain.

"We've got the field on reserve for the Foxx Quidditch team today, Flunt," Wood said.

"Well, we've got to train our new Jackson Quidditch team Seeker," Flunt said.

"Fine. Who is he?"

Stevie Wonder went in between the Foxx Quidditch team and the Jackson Quidditch team.

"Ha! That's a good one! But seriously, who's your Seeker?"

Stevie cleared his throat. Wood stared at him and then laughed again. Then Flunt started laughing.

"I couldn't believe it either," he said.

"So why is he on your team?" Wood asked.

"Because his dad bought us all these."

All of the Jackson Quidditch team had a Nimbus 2001.

"Wow, wood."

"Not just any wood. It's magic wood!" (No shit, I know.)

Just then, an advertising agent showed up.

"That's right," he exclaimed. "With the new Nimbus 2001 you get a more comfortable ride, sharper steering, and smoother wood. It's made from morning wood, which is one of the first and straightest woods a man can get. So buy one today, and protect your wood."

He walks away.

"See, unlike your poor ass team, we can afford the better," Stevie boasted.

Suddenly, Hermione, Dave, and Ron appeared out of nowhere.

"Well, at least they didn't have to pay their way in," the smart-ass sgk;mjl;fdjdkj- I mean the very smart Hermione said. "They got in because the school were running out of fund and decided to put any loser on the Foxx team."

"Uh… thanks, Hermione?" Wood said.

Suddenly, Stevie stepped up to Hermione.

"Nobody asked for her opinion, bitch," he said.

"Well, nobody asked your mother to gave birth to a Hunchback of Notre Dome like you."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone around shouted.

"Oh, yeah?" Stevie shuttered. "Well, your parent's are so poor, you had to make your own wand."

"DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNN!"

"Well, your dad's so stupid, he thought he needed a condom to kiss your mother!"

"OHHHHHHHHHH, SSSSHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!"

"Oh no she didn't!" Harry shouted.

"I have taught you well, young one," Dave said proudly to Hermione.

The four kids started to walk away.

"Wait a minute!" Stevie yelled. "It's on, now. Somebody give me a microphone."

A microphone lands in his hand.

"Hey, DJ! Spin that shit!"

A DJ nearby by started to make some funky tunes: it was the beat from House of Pain's Jump Around. (If you haven't heard the song before, go to this website to find the song and listen to it. http/ started to rap:

"If your poor or your rich, no matter which,

Come gather 'round, and watch me roast this bitch.

I won't have her dying, but I'll leave her crying,

Running back to her mom and dad. So I sing,

Stuck-up, shut up, put your two sandbags up,

Your ugly face is killin', all the little chil'ren.

Overgrown rags, even your flooding robe drags.

Your only friends are a black kid and those two fags.

Desperate, lonely, masturbator only,

'Cause no boy'd fuck you if you were the last girl in this country.

Hair messed up, mental state fucked up,

You wouldn't leave your house without wearing a cup.

Go ahead and frown, 'cause I won this round,

You can't say anything to bring me down.

Break it down. Break it down. Break it down.

Somebody throw the king his crown."

All of the Jacksons chanted, "Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!"

As they chanted, Stevie threw the mic at Hermione. "Beat that, bitch!"

Hermione shivered a bit and then started.

"How can I lose to a jackass like you?

You couldn't beat me no matter what you'd do.

If you think it's a fact you can beat me like that,

You've got more dead brain cells than your mom's got fat.

And just a car that's stuck in a ditch,

You're nothing but a helpless and whiny bitch.

You think you're fearless, but it's not that way.

You're not really a man, you're just gay.

I bet your dad puts semen in his hair to make it slick,

And to get it he makes you suck his dick.

You make me hurl, you couldn't handle a girl,

So just stay in your little gay fantasy world.

That's my attack, you better make it a fact,

That the bitch from earlier struck back.

You're whack. You're whack. You're whack.

I'll let you die in peace of your heart attack."

All of the Foxxes shouted, "What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What?"

Hermione threw the microphone back at Stevie. "Done, bitch!"

She walked back over to her friends, who congratulated her for her probable victory.

Stevie was very stunned and was almost frozen in place.

"Dude, are you gonna take that?" Flint asked, worried.

"Don't worry, I've got this," Stevie said, worried himself.

Finally, he started to final rap.

"What the fuck was that? Is that the best you can do?

Damn, even the Fresh Prince can rap better than you.

Or better yet, Bo Bice, or even Condoleezza Rice.

Though I loved that long silence at the end. That was nice.

You're trying to act tougher than you are, ho.

You're worse than the U.S.A., if you must know.

So try if you dare, but there's no one you can scare,

'Cause you're a little girl who still hasn't grown pubic hair.

So go ahead and quit, you ugly bitch.

You're a poor excuse for a genius witch.

You'd cause more damage than the Katrina flood,

'Cause you can't help it. You're just a Mudblood."

The music immediately stopped. Everyone gasped. Hermione looked like she was going to burst out in tears. Dave was terribly angry.

"You rude motherfucker! I'll kill you!"

"Do it," Stevie said bravely. "I dare you."

Dave didn't move.

"Exactly, you poor excuse for a black person."

Dave still didn't say anything. Finally, Ron took the stand.

"You'll eat those words, Stevie," he shouted, pulling out his wand.

He fired, but the broken wand backfired. Ron flew back several feet and landed on his back. All of the Foxxes gathered around.

"Ron," Harry shouted. "If you're okay, saying something."

Ron sat up and opened his mouth to speak, but it wasn't his voice.

"We are doing all we can to help the America people who are deserted in New Orleans," he said before shit spewed out of his mouth.

Everyone flinched in disgust. Of course, the Jacksons laughed. Harry, Hermione, and Dave carried him away to Hagrid's hut.

There, Hagrid just gave Ron a bucket for his load of shit.

"The government did not know that 9/11 would happen," he said before more shit came out of his mouth.

"Just let it out, Ron," Hagrid said. "Who was he trying to curse?"

"Stevie," Harry said. "He called Hermione something, but I don't know what."

"What did he say?"

Hermione looked away to cry before she said anything.

"He said I had no pubic hair," she exclaimed.

Silence.

"And he called me a Mudblood," she said, almost cheerfully.

"That motherfucker!" Hagrid shouted.

"What does that mean?" Harry said.

"Michael Moore is a lier," Ron said. "I am doing everything I can to stop the terrorists."

More shit came out of his mouth.

"It's an offensive word for someone who has no magical parents," Hermione said with no uncheerful emotions at all. "Basically, it's the 'nigger' of the wizarding world."

She narrowly dodged a huge spear thrown by Dave.

"Sorry, but you know how I feel about those words," he explained.

"You see, people like Stevie think they're all that because they're pure blood," Hagrid explained.

"That's stupid," Harry said.

"I do care about black people," Ron stated before once again telling out nothing but a load of shit.

"Of course it is. Because everyone knows Hermione can do anything a pure blood can do. Tell you what. How would you (Hermione) like to say at my place for the night to forget about all this?"

Dave immediately got up.

"No way!" he shouted and grabbed Hermione. "She's mine!"

They both ran out of the hut.

"I once masturbated to my daughters naked baby pictures," Ron said, only this time there was no shit.

"Whoa," Harry said.

Yes, I've returned to the Harry Potter parody. I know I've lost a lot of readers, but hopefully things will turn out better know. I feel confident enough to finish this story and possibly the other Harry Potter movie parodies. After a half a year of writer's block, I'm back.

Hopefully you interpreted the raps well. (It took me two-and-a-half hours to write!)

The scene with Ron and the shit coming out of his mouth is symbolic for what the original speaker of Ron's quote is: a load of shit.

Thanks for reading. I'll update in two weeks.