As she stepped into the building she saw that she was far from the only person who didn't want to be there that day. Pam, the receptionist, was surveying a checklist and a diagram of what appeared to be a banquet hall, work that was hardly part of her job. She shuffled to put her wedding work away when she saw Jan coming, but all Jan could do was smile at her, despite the violation of company policy. At least someone was getting what they wanted in their love life.
She traveled further into the office and saw Jim, staring at the ground beneath his feet, with a game of solitaire on his computer screen. Once again she knew that she didn't have it in her to scold him. She couldn't help but wonder if she had caused this depression by making him stay in Scranton longer. Even Dwight, the epitome of a dedicated worker, seemed mellow, focusing over-intently on his pricing sheet for envelopes while trading firm glances with the woman in accounting. It was the one that had once called Jan a whore, a description that almost felt accurate with her fixation on a pathetic excuse for a relationship.
"Jan! Bringin a little city flava to the office today!" The hardest part of her day had arrived: facing Michael. He proceeded to greet her with a pair of kisses, one on each cheek.
Ryan was sitting in front of the camera at this time. "So after casino night, Michael decided that kisses were the new firm handshake of the paper business. He even sent in a letter to some magazine about it. They'll never print it, but he's tried it on me every day since then." Ryan's eyes were wide with terror, and he almost seemed relieved when Kelly called to him from across the office.
Jan cringed at her current situation. She had been expecting to have to face rejection, not a man who didn't realize that it was cruel to date two people at the same time. "We'll get to the paperwork in a minute. Now would you be so kind as to step into my office?" He lowered his voice for the last statement, using the suggestive tone that was usually reserved for conversations with Todd Packer. She swallowed. It was not going to be fun, but she had a job to do nonetheless.
"So, you think you can just waltz in here and take Jimmy away from us? Well missy, I just can't let that happen."
She sighed. "Michael, you can't obstruct…"
"Until you let me treat you to some screw-HR lovin." He pulled the blinds shut. Outside of Michael's office, Jim glanced at Pam, hoping to call a coffee break to discuss the implications. She never looked up from her paperwork.
"Screw-HR? Michael, what…?"
"Human Resources doesn't like office relationships. Well, actually Toby doesn't like any relationships, that's what being divorced is all about."
"Michael, I'm divorced."
"Yes, but now you're my city girl fling, just like Carol's my local delight." He winked. She cringed. It was worse than casino night, it was worse than performance review day, it was even worse than the day she'd let the whole thing start by getting drunk at Chili's.
"Can we please just complete the paperwork? This isn't right." Did he think they were in some movie, where love triangles and flings were routine and acceptable behavior? "I need a cigarette, and when I get back, you are bringing Jim in here and we are finishing this."
"But the day is still young, my sweet." The obnoxious suggestive tone was back, this time accompanied by a false Italian accent. "There is time for business later."
"No." She stormed out of the office, purposely taking the stairs instead of the elevator so she could stomp away some of the pain.
As much as she would have loved to have said yes, she knew she couldn't. As much as she disliked Carol, she could not bring herself to destroy the realtor's relationship with Michael. Of course he wouldn't know how a real romance functioned. He wasn't very familiar with any element of the real world, only what he saw on network TV. She had to be the responsible person, making sure that he didn't hurt anyone other than herself.
Michael tried to run after her, but as soon as he hit the threshold between his office and the rest of the company, he stopped. It would be bad for morale to let his employees see him acting in such a way. He had to behave normally.
"Well, would you look at that? Somebody call Tom Petty, because I am a HEARTBREAKER!" He accompanied the remark with a hip thrust that hadn't been seen since Pam had burned his favorite jeans. Only Dwight laughed, prompting the producers to beckon to him for a talking head.
"Did I know what Michael was talking about? No. But did Michael say it? So it must have been funny." The cameraman smirked, just as he had suspected.
Most of the office was silent. Jim snickered, and took another glance over at Pam. She still was studying the seating chart, and on a day that desperately needed their analysis and input. He decided it was time to approach her desk. After casino night she'd started stocking the jelly bean jar with Harry Potter jellybeans. The ones that included flavors like sardine, earwax, and grass. He'd nearly choked when he first encountered them, unable to swallow the pepper-flavored bean. Dwight had been ecstatic, but it had significantly decreased the number of visits Jim made to her desk.
"Hey," Jim said as he rummaged through the jar, looking for something that seemed normal. The silence that followed was beyond awkward. She didn't look up, and muttered to herself about whether Roy's Aunt Miriam would get along with her Uncle Robert. Jim finally settled on a normal-looking bean and left, dejected. It turned out to be lemon, but it was as hard to swallow as the pepper bean had been.
Michael looked around, struggling with the failure of his joke. "Come on! Surely somebody must have got it."
"I did," Phyllis replied meekly.
"Oh God! You people have no sense of humor!" He stormed back to his office, leaned on the windowsill, and watched Jan fumble for a pack of cigarettes. What had he done?