Okay, Important note: I have been getting grounded from the compupter a lot recently. Also, I have a feeling my computer is going to explode from those noises it is making. So it'll take a while for the next update.

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT! A while ago Paul brought it to my attention that "Hey, Sasori's butt can't hurt, -points to chapter 271-"

Well, the thing is that when I started this chapter 271 wasn't out. So for the sake of this story, forget that that chapter 271 was ever written. This chapter also makes more sense without the whole "I am Sasori, look at me, TEPPUP a onti ydob ym edam I," thing. (It is backwards because it is a SPOILER.)

And I want someone to make me a new Summary for this story! I will... uh... give a prize of some sort to the best one. The prize would prolly be a picture or a one shot fic of any pair or person you want. I REEEEAAAALLLY need a new summary. PLEASE!

DING DONG

The sound of the doorbell echoed through the Akatsuki Headquarters. For a moment, all was silent. Then, the sound of multiple someones barreling towards the door.

"First!" yelled Kisame, ramming into the door because he hadn't taken the thought to slow himself down. Deidara touched the door a moment later, looking slightly flustered.

"That wasn't fair, yeah! I was in the shower! I demand a rematch, yeah!" said Deidara, clutching tightly onto the towel around his waist.

"Why should I give you a rematch? I won fair and square!" Kisame said as he opened the door, grabbing a wad of mail from the short mail man. "Wait here for minute," he said distractedly to the postal worker, who just nodded, blushing at the sight of Deidara in the towel. He closed the door in the main man's face, and continued talking to Deidara. "No one can take you seriously enough to give you a rematch when your hair looks like that."

Deidara 'chhed', and tried to push his soaked hair out of his eyes, but he couldn't. It was everywhere. "It looks fine, yeah! Shut up! Now, let's just go find Zetsu, the mail man wont wait forever, yeah..."

And so Deidara and Kisame tromped off like good little girls to find Zetsu.

Now, let's rewind a little bit

The sound of the doorbell echoed through the Akatsuki Headquarters. For a moment, all was silent. Then, the sound of multiple someones barreling towards the door.

And if you listened really carefully, you could hear someone tiptoeing in the opposite direction.

Zetsu loathed when the mail came, as we all know. Not only was there never any mail for him, Deidara and Kisame made him eat the poor mail person. Every. Single. Time. Mail came so often that Zetsu rarely had time to digest. Venus fly traps don't need to eat very often, and offering him a new person everyday, (except Sundays), was a little too much. Not that he didn't like eating people, he just liked to do so in moderation.

So when Zetsu heard the doorbell ring at 11:25 sharp every morning, he tried to escape as quickly as he could and hide. That was one reason he was glad they changed headquarters, it was definately much easier to hide in a house than in a cave.

"I hear them coming! Where are we going to hide?" Zetsu asked, sounding frantic.

"It doesn't matter where, just hide!" hissed his dark half, sounding more annoyed with his light half.

"But it's so hard to find a place big enough to hide in!"

"Shut up! We don't have any time left. They're right behind that corner! In here! Quick!"

Zetsu ran in the conveniently placed room, and closed the door as quickly and quietly as he could. Seconds later he heard two sets of footsteps, thumping around, and voices whispering to each other. Soon they passed, leaving Zetsu alone in the foreign room. He backed up and flopped down on the bed.

"Ugh, now I'm going to have to stay here until I can be sure the mail person has left..." whined Zetsu's light half.

"Stop being such a baby! It's better than--- woah," he stopped in mid-sentence, looking around at the room and all it contained.

The entire room screamed eight year-old girl. The walls were painted pink, and covered in pictures of people like Hilary Duff and Aaron Carter, and other self-proclaimed 'Teen Idols'. A large vanity sat against one wall; bright red lip marks on the mirror, a hair brush and various other make-up products scattered on the surface. The bed was a few shades darker than the walls, with an excess of pillows and a comforter with hearts. A fluffy, white stuffed bunny sat on the pillows, and looked thoroughly loved and worn. The strangest part had to be the pictures stuck to the cork board. All of the Akatsuki were there, with little notes stuck beside them, and some with red marker all of the pictures.

Zetsu squinted his eyes in the semi-darkness. "What the hell?"

"It looks like we're all here..." said Zetsu's light half. The dark half grunted in response. "Well... can we... look for us?" Light asked somewhat nervously.

"Do what you want. Since when have I cared what you do?"

"Well, you seemed to care when I decided to take up ballet..."

"We don't talk about that," said Zetsu's dark half, eyes scanning the pictures.

There was a picture of the Akatsuki Leader, his face gouged out by something sharp. There were a lot of pins stuck on the picture, too. Beside it was a picture of Kisame, looking up from eating a chocolate ice cream cone, seemingly taken by surprise by the picture taker. There was a little face on the picture, and the note beside it said 'BFF'. Below that was a picture half covered and slightly blurred of Itachi. He looked like he had just gotten out of the shower, his hair was damp and messy, and was ready to kill. Apparently whoever had taken the picture hadn't gone unnoticed, and knowing Itachi, had been beaten up pretty badly for it. There was a little crying face on the picture, and the note beside it said "Note to self, don't bother Itachi."

"They didn't realize that just by looking at him...?" wondered Zetsu aloud.

"Oh look, there's us!" yelled Zetsu, pointing at a picture of him, hanging upside down. He was instantly reprimanded my himself for being loud while in hiding.

There were actually a few pictures of Zetsu there, all of them right after or during a prank someone had played on him. Like when that five year old had tripped him... And when he had a pair of panties glued to his back, and when he was dressed in full ballet apparel. The usual.

The next two caught his attention in a not pleasant, (In Zetsu's mind, at least,) way. It was a picture of Deidara, in his silky purple boxers, surrounded in little hearts. The note merely said 'sexy'... except it was spelled 'sexxxxxxxxiiii' because that's how all that 'cool' kids do it. Zetsu quickly averted his eyes to the nearest other picture, which happened to be Sasori. It was another shower picture, taken slightly from the side, Sasori looking at something away from the camera, so presumably he hadn't know it had been taken. There was a heart around his head, but the most frightening part had to be the fact that he was absolutely naked. Not that you could see anything for the angle it was taken from, but still. The note pinned beside it only read "BIG".

It was with no hesitations that Zetsu ran screaming out of the frightening pink room.

About two hours later, Kisame and Deidara stumbled in on Zetsu in a corner, huddled up in a ball, whispering "Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it..."

"Hey, what happened to you, yeah?" asked Deidara, nudging Zetsu with his shoe.

Zetsu looked up, smiling eerily. "Nothing! Nothing, I'm fine! Fine, fine, fine..."

"Um... if you say so..." said Kisame, backing up slightly.

"The mail came," said Deidara, throwing a pile of mail at Zetsu. "I guess you weren't here, yeah."

"For me?" asked Zetsu incredulously.

"Yuh," said Kisame, half way down the hall already. Deidara turned to follow Kisame.

"Wait! Um... do you guys know of any... uh... little girls around here?" asked Zetsu.

Kisame raised his eyebrow. "Why, you into that sort of thing?"

"What? No! I just... um... what is with that pink room around the corner?"

"Oh, that's mine, yeah," said Deidara casually. "Anything else, yeah?"

"...No," said Zetsu with a whimper. Deidara and Kisame saw that as the end of an already too long conversation and left.

"Deidara's... room... Deidara's... room..." mumbled Zetsu, rocking back and forth.

"Hey, snap out of it!" said Zetsu's dark half. "Open the mail!"

Zetsu nodded and grabbed the closest piece of mail. It was addressed in red ink. He tore it open, careful not to damage the letter.

PARENT KILLING BASTARD! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIIIIIIEEEEEEE! I WILL AVENGE THEM AS SOON AS OROCHIMARU GIVES ME THE ADDRESS OR WHEN I CAN ASSAULT KABUTO WHILE HE'S TAKING THE MAIL TO THE POST OFFICE. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH IT CANNOT EVEN BE EXPRESSED THROUGH CAPITAL LETTERS! DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE

The entire rest of the paper was covered in the word 'hate'. He put the letter down and reached for the next one.

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE...

Another letter entirely composed of the word 'hate'. Next letter...

Dear Itachi,

This is Orochimaru, really. Not Sasuke pretending to be Orochimaru so I can trick you into giving me your address so that I can kill you. Er... he can kill you. Grammatical error. Next time I will use pencil. I am writing to say that Sasuke is prettier, better, and stronger than you and also has a larger penis. I would give up and beg for forgiveness if I were you. Then maybe I'd forgive you. HA! What a laugh! No, I will never forgive you! BECAUSE YOU KILLED OUR CLAN! I HATE YOU! HAAAAAAAATE!

I mean... that's... what Sasuke would say... yes... but I am Orochimaru... not Sasuke...

Please meet me at the tea shop on Broad st. at 1:30 pm Sunday night. Do not bring any weapons. Tie your hands together behind your back. Blind fold, or preferably, gouge out your eyes. Plug your ears, also. Can't wait, see you then.

Orochimaru

P.S. Bring some of those chocolate chip cookies you used to make, they're very good.

"Maybe I should just skip the ones addressed in red ink..." murmured Zetsu. He reached for a letter addressed in nice, plain, black ink.

hey itahci i lyk totali found u!11! it tuk such a long time tho but it was wurth it cuz im lyk ur biggest fan!1!2# zomgz u guyz r lyk totali stonrg an dstuff but ur reli mean i wish u guyz wud all die except itachi cuz hes lyk totali kawaii!1!1!one! b mi bf!

u shud try an get the wieird blu guy plastic surgery or sumthin cuz blue is so out. and that weird guy wit hthe long blonde hair shud get is cut cuz guyz are suposed 2 b hotttt not freakz wit long ahir!1one1 n the guy with the puppets didnt evn hit on me!1!11 is he blind? bcuz if he is it is ok but if he isnt den he shud have hit on me cuz i m supah hottt!

n most importntly is that wiiedr green guy who luks lyk a plant! geez hes so weird i bet he never had a gf or anythin cuz hes so wierd. has any1 tried smoking him mayb he is lyk pot or sumthin iunno lolzzz1 'tachi fone me 646-5000 for a gud time i luv yaz babi but only u and not ur wierd friends u shud ditch dem cuz u r 2 cool 4 dem!11

luv yaz xoxoxoxo baibai cyaz ttyl lolz omg fone me! luv! xoxox

"W-w-w-ierd?" sniffed Zetsu, starting to cry.

"S-stop it, don't pay a-attention to what some illiterate n00b s-said. S-stop crying, it's m-making it hard for me t-to t-talk!" reprimanded Zetsu's dark half.

"I-i'll t-try..."

"Hn. Read another one. Keep your mind off it."

"Okay..."

Dear Uchiha Itachi,

We have found you suitable to be a member of our exclusive club, The Cliché Evil Older Brother Association, or just "Jerks" because "C.E.O.B.A" isn't a very good acronym. We jerks have found you suitable, because of the following qualifications:

-Is an older brother

-Is evil

We are currently on a membership drive, for Jerks sincerely needs to increase our numbers. We are currently composed of President Sesshoumaru, Vice President Hao, Secretary Vergil, Treasurer Folken, and Senior Members Vegeta, Shuboshi, Millions Knives, Ken, Envy and Teenage Souma Ayame.

You would be inducted as Junior Member, and after a year would be moved up to Senior Member.

If you would like to join, please send a letter of confirmation to the return address. Please tell anyone with either qualification about us, even if you do not wish to Join. That action alone would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

President

Sesshoumaru

P.S. Please send some of your chocolate chip cookies, we have heard wonderful things about them.

Zetsu was getting a sinking suspicion that this mail wasn't for him. It seemed to be Itachi's mail... Zetsu paled at the idea. Itachi would KILL him if he found out that he had been reading his mail... maybe Deidara and Kisame had planned that.

"We should stop reading these, and give it to Itachi and explain," whimpered Zetsu.

"... You're right. But let's read one more to be sure, okay?" replied Zetsu's Dark half.

Dear Mr. Uchiha,

After thoroughly reading through the list of symptoms you sent us, we believe that your vision may be deteriorating. You should make and appointment and come in to get an official eye test. If nothing is done, your vision may get worse and worse, perhaps unto the point of blindness.

It is in your best interest to set up an appointment as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Mayfair Eye Clinic

"...Okay, this is Itachi's mail," said Zetsu, gathering up all the envelopes and letters. "We should probably give it to him, maybe he wont hurt us if we're honest..."

"What?" asked Zetsu's dark half incredulously. "I'm not telling the truth! We can just tell him that Deidara and Kisame opened it! Those two have no credibility anyhow!"

"But... I don't like the idea of lying to Itachi... I don't think I can..."

"Then I'll do it!"

"What?"

"Just let me talk to him, okay?"

"Well... I don't know..." said Zetsu's light half. During the conversation with himself, he had already gotten up and waltzed his way over to where Itachi was sitting.

"OKAY!"

"Okay, okay!" he said. "Just... do it quick!"

"Okay..." said Zetsu, walking over to Itachi.

"I still don't--"

"SHH!"

Itachi raised an eyebrow at Zetsu shushing himself. However, it was commonly known that Zetsu was kinda weird, so he put it off as that.

"Hey, Itachi," said Zetsu, sitting down across the table from the Uchiha. "What'cha doing?"

"Eating cereal..." said Itachi warily. "What do you want?"

"Oh. Well, here," Said Zetsu, handing Itachi the mail. "Kisame and Deidara opened it then tried to pin the blame on me."

"Really now..."

"Yeah, you should probably beat them up really good. How about I go get them for you?" suggested Zetsu.

"That sounds good. Go get them..." said Itachi, as Zetsu started walking away. "Get Sasori, too, this'll cheer him up."

"What?" said Zetsu, turning around to face Itachi again. "Sasori?"

"Yes. Oh, wait, never mind, there he is."

Zetsu spun around to see Sasori standing right behind him.

Zetsu then let out a blood-curdling scream, ran into a wall, and slid to the floor unconscious.

"...Hi?" asked Sasori, looking at Zetsu's unconscious figure. He shrugged, muttering "Whatever", and sat down beside Itachi.