Remember, guys, Sasori isn't so much gay as 'hits-on-anything-vaguely-resembling-a-human'.

This chapter is ABSOLUTELY AND COMPLETELY dedicated to Kaki-kun. She has made my day by dedicating art to me. She has also spurred me to continue to write, because, hell, I stopped because my computer was crapped up, but when I got a new one that excuse just didn't hold anymore.

Go stare at her on Da. For me. Do it for me.

may-veggiegirl1(dot)deviantart(dot)com

Speaking of which, I have changed my Da, I am 'scareless' now, but, shh, don't tell. Actually, please do. I am competing with my friend to see who can get to 1000 pageviews first, and I am at, like, 20.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I am so sorry.

Sasori sat up in bed, instantly regretting it. There was never anything to do, and it made him quite... sad. Sad bordering on depressed. He started sending psychic waves to Itachi, telling him to get his butt into Sasori's room. A minute later, his efforts were rewarded with a knock on the door.

"Finally! Come in!" said Sasori, trying to sound cheery.

In stepped Zetsu. Sasori let out a strangled cry of pure anguish.

"Um... I'll leave..." mumbled Zetsu, slamming the door behind him. "Sorry!"

Apparently Sasori's psychic abilities needed some work. Now wasn't the time to practice, though, so Sasori settled for screaming Itachi's name over and over. This was much more successful, and pretty soon Itachi was standing in front of Sasori, looking irritated like you wouldn't believe.

Sasori smiled creepily, and said "Hiiii, Itachiii," in the sweetest voice he could muster.

"What's wrong, Sasori?" asked Itachi in his usual monotone.

"Oh, nothing..."

Itachi looked at Sasori, kind of like 'Oh, hell no, you know it's something.'

"Okay, fine! I don't feel good, no one likes me, I haven't gotten any action in ages and I'm so bored! I need something to do before I wither in this horrible pit of miserableness!" sobbed Sasori.

"And what do you expect me to do about that?" asked Itachi, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I was thinking... maybe you could... you know..." Sasori trailed off vaguely.

Itachi was kinda like, 'hell no,' but of course he could not say that out-right to his best friend. "How about I just get you some porno mags instead?" suggested Itachi.

"Okay!" piped Sasori happily.

"KISAME!" bellowed Itachi. "COME HERE!"

The sound of loud footsteps indicated Kisame's arrival. The door swung open; Kisame was panting heavily.

"Remember what I said last time? Bow to your master!" commanded Itachi. A small bow by Kisame. "BOW DEEPER!" A ninety degree angle bow by Kisame. "DEEPER!"

"But Itachiiii, if I bow any deeper I'm gunna fall over!" whined Kisame.

"Fine, fine, that will do then," sighed Itachi. "Hmm... what did I call you here for again... Oh, yes! I need you to go and fetch Sasori some porno mags. What sort would you like, Sasori?"

"Anything will do... Hey, is he your slave?" asked Sasori. Itachi nodded proudly. "Oh, that sounds like fun! I want one! Can we share Kisame?"

"Um, no, he's my personal slave, but we can go get Deidara for you!" exclaimed Itachi. "Kisame, go get Deidara!"

"Did I hear my name, yeah?" asked Deidara, who, being the eavesdropper he was, was right there at the door.

"Deidara, do you want to be my personal slave?" asked Sasori.

"Um... preferably not, yeah..." Deidara answered, backing up a little.

"Are you sure?" pouted Sasori. Deidara nodded. "Itaaaachiiiii..."

"You don't have a choice Deidara, you are officially Sasori's slave now," said Itachi in a voice that told everyone that the discussion was closed.

"Fine... what do you want me to do, Sasori, yeah?" asked Deidara unenthusiastically.

"Well, it would be nice if--"

"No, Sasori, no!" exclaimed Itachi. "With an ignorant, untalented slave like Deidara, ("Hey, that was uncalled for, yeah") you have to be stern! He must call you Master Sasori, or just Master! With a capital! Now, Deidara, try again!"

"Oh, great Master Sasori, what may I do for you, yeah?" said Deidara. Kisame mouthed something that looked like 'bow', so Deidara took the advice and bowed nice and low.

"That's more like it! Now, let's have contests!" announced Itachi. "Would you like breakfast in bed, Sasori dearest?"

"I most certainly would, Itachi!" replied Sasori. "Deidara, go make some breakfast! Surprise me!"

"But... I can't cook, yeah..." said Deidara hesitantly.

"Oh well!" exclaimed Itachi. "That just means that Kisame has a better chance of winning! Whoever makes the better breakfast wins! Now go, go, go!"

Kisame ran off, leaving Deidara with a big, imaginary question mark floating over his head. Kisame ended up running back, grabbing Deidara, and pulling him out of the room.

Itachi sat down of Sasori's bed, and got under the covers with his friend.

"Hmm... how long do think this is going to take?" asked Sasori.

"I dunno..."

"Oh."

"Let's play I spy."

When Deidara and Kisame were done with the kitchen, it was an absolute disaster. To the point where you should be wearing one of those handy toxic waste-proof suits. Just about all the food that the household had possessed was spread out... Even the unused stuff. Like pickled garlic and tofu. The usual.

The set the food they had prepared onto trays, and balanced them on their heads and started making their way back to Sasori's room. Actually, only Kisame was carrying it on his head, because that, as it turns out, was his special bloodline. Ahah. No, not really.

"Okay, remember to bow, and respond to everything they say with either 'yes, sir' or 'no, sir', unless the question requires a longer answer," whispered Kisame.

"I know, I know! Why are you telling me this, yeah?" asked Deidara irritably.

"Because otherwise you will get punished or something," explained Kisame. "You aren't really the slave type. Kinda too dumb."

"Hey! I resent that, yeah!"

"Shh!" shushed Kisame, knocking on Sasori's door.

"Come in," came a voice from the other side. He gently opened the door, and walked in, setting the tray on Itachi's lap. Deidara copied Kisame, who seemed to have a lot of experience at this sort of thing. They bowed deeply and moved to stand by the door.

"Wow, Kisame, you have out done yourself! Bacon and eggs cooked to perfection, Count Chocula, and a large glass of milk!" Itachi exclaimed, starting on his Count Chocula Brand breakfast cereal.

Sasori frowned at his tray. "Deidaaaraaaaa, this is horrible!"

"What did he make you?" asked Itachi curiously.

"Burnt toast, burnt eggs, burnt oatmeal with strawberries also burnt, and orange juice!" whined Sasori.

"Well, at least he did the orange juice right..."

"IT'S WATERY!" sobbed Sasori.

"I think it is obvious who won this round. Here, Sasori, you can share the breakfast Kisame made for me," said Itachi. "There is plenty here for both of us."

Deidara frowned. "I didn't do that bad, yeah!"

"Actually, yes, yes you did, Deidara," Kisame said. "Your attempt at making food sucked."

"It's no fair!" exclaimed Sasori through a mouth of eggs. "My slave is a loser! (Deidara: "Hey!") I want another chance! I wanna win!"

"Okay, okay. The next one you guys gotta do our laundry!"

"Yes, sir..." said Deidara and Kisame in unison.

"It's pink!"

"What?"

"IT'S PINK! Deidara, did you remember to separate the reds from the whites!"

"Um... No, yeah?"

"WHICH ONE, YES OR NO?"

"No, sir!"

"Okay, Kisame won this one, too. Now go vacuum!"

"Yes, sir."

"Deidara, that was the wrong button!"

"What! I didn't know it would shoot out dirt!"

"Kisame wins again! Now--"

"I want to pick the next task! Go make a floral arrangement!"

"GO!"

"Yes, sir!"

"No, no, no! You need a focal point! A center! All the other flowers should be supporting the main flower! This is just... a bunch of weeds and grass!"

"Well, how was I supposed to know, yeah?"

"It was pretty obvious..."

"SHUT UP, KISAME, YEAH!"

"Hey, don't yell at my slave! Anyhow, your arrangement didn't even go with the colours of Sasori's room!"

"Yeah. Now go draw me a picture!"

"Of what?"

"Use your imagination!"

"Yes, sir."

Sasori sighed heavily. "What is that?"

"It's a picture of a cat, a shark, a scorpion and a weasel, yeah! And a houseplant!" exclaimed Deidara happily, obviously proud of himself.

"It looks like a mess of lines and colours produced by a five year old," said Sasori scathingly. "Actually, make that a three year old."

Deidara looked like he was going to cry. He had put so much effort into that picture!

"And what have you drawn, Kisame?" asked Itachi with an air that said he was completely confidant in his victory.

"A portrait of you, master," replied Kisame, passing it to Itachi.

"My, what a wonderful drawing, why--"

"UGH! My slave SUCKS!" whined Sasori. "Can I trade you for Kisame? He's such a good slave!"

"No way! I wouldn't trade Kisame for that! I'll tell you what though, I'll train your slave up a bit, and you can have Kisame while I am training him. Does that sound good?" asked Itachi.

"That would be awesome!" exclaimed Sasori happily.

"Okay, you wretch, come with me," said Itachi, getting out of Sasori's bed and walking towards the door.

Kisame nudged Deidara in the ribs. "He means you."

"Oh, yeah. Coming, sir, yeah," said Deidara, following Itachi out of the room.

"Bring him back nice and obedient, please, Itachi!" exclaimed Sasori to their retreating backs. "So, Kisame, what shall we do until their return?"

"How about go fish?"

Itachi took Deidara to one of the many empty rooms that Zetsu was not allowed to live in. He sat Deidara down on a chair, and pulled out a conveniently placed chalk board, pointer, and fancy teacher cap.

"So, you have come to learn how to become a better slave, huh?" asked Teacher!Itachi.

"Uh, I guess, yeah," replied Deidara.

Itachi sighed. "You know what? I'm not ever going to try. When we get back, just do everything Sasori tells you, and nod politely. Don't talk, don't ruin the illusion, okay? Now! For review!" Itachi pointed to the blank chalkboard. "Sasori tells you to sit down. What do you do?"

"Sit down, yeah."

"Good. Question two. Sasori asks if he is pretty. What is your response?"

"I nod, yeah."

"….Hell, that's good enough. Let's go."

And so they tromped back like happy little children. But not really. When they got to Sasori's door, Itachi stopped Deidara. "Wait here for a minute. I am going to announce your arrival."

Deidara nodded. See? He was learning already! When he was let into the room Itachi and Kisame exited, leaving him to his slave-ly duties.

"How DID you do it, Itachi?" asked Kisame incredulously.

"Oh, you know, a little of this, a little of that," replied Itachi modestly.

"Still, I can't help but wonder what Sasori wants to do alone in his room with Deidara…" said Kisame thoughtfully.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Deidara came running out of Sasori's room like a clay bird out of hell. He stopped by Itachi and Kisame, panting.

"What is it, Deidara?" asked Kisame.

"It's Sasori! He's delusional! I think he's high, yeah! He told me to "Lay yerself down and spread"! I think he thinks I'm some sort of… sandwich spread, yeah! I think he's going to try to eat me!" screeched Deidara.

"….Um, I don't think that's what he had in mind, Deidara…" said Kisame, turning a lovely shade of purple.

FACT: Blue and Red make Purple.

"No, Kisame, I think I know what I'm talking about! I mean, what the hell else could he mean by that, yeah!" said Deidara. "I'm gunna go find Zetsu and make him change into me and let Sasori eat him, and then hide, yeah. Don't tell him you saw me." With that, Deidara ran off.

And so Itachi and Kisame let Deidara live in his innocence, and Zetsu got 'eaten', and Sasori stopped being so bitchy, for a little while. Deidara still hasn't been found.