A/N: Woohoo! I'm doing the complicated list-y stuff that's so fun to read! Hello, my pretties! It is I, Amanita! Here to kick off my Month O' Oneshots! (MOO? I'm using that as my acronym? Ah, well.)
MOO: #1
Pairing: Draco/Harry (minor mentions of others)
Rating: PG-13 (mild language and suggestiveness :) happy days!)
Dedication: For Paris. Ha. I hope you read this mess. Happy late birthday, dearie. You and I both know everyone wants this to happen to you and your Harry if you two continue to be uncooperative. (grin) And I will be the one with the camera. Sweet dreams...(cough)(cough)
Disclaimer: Ron, Pansy,and Draco are not mine until I manage to make it to Scotland to steal them, and JKR can keep Harry and Hermione. For now.
Warning: SLASH! Revel in the slashy goodness. If you don't like it, either wake up and smell the hormones or click on the lovely little "back" button and go back to your sad little gay-free world. (Send a postcard, luv, I've never been there.)
"Ugh, Malfoy." Harry muttered, sliding next to Ron on the bench.
"Morning, Harry. Bacon?" Ron offered the platter.
"Honestly, I don't know how anyone can stand that inbred bastard," Harry seethed.
"Oh, good morning Harry." Hermione sat down on the other side of Ron. "Ron, don't reach like that, you'll knock over the pumpkin juice," Hermione snapped.
"Too late. Sorry, Harry!" Ron started to mop up the spilled pumpkin juice on the table and Harry's untouched plate.
"I mean, look at him. Sitting there, all--"
"Harry, mate, stop going on about your boyfriend. You're not fooling anyone," said Ron.
"Now you need to eat, we've a Quidditch game this afternoon. You can't fly well if you don't eat anything."
"WHAT!" Harry was shocked. "What--he--he's NOT my boyfriend! I'm not even gay! Ew! Ew! What the hell gave you that idea? Urgh, that's disgusting!"
"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," Ron smirked. "Now shut up, stop drooling over your boyfriend, and eat some toast." He added, piling said toast onto Harry's plate.
"I am not protesting too much, he's MALFOY! That's disgusting!"
"No, Harry, it's toast. You like toast. You had some yesterday. See?" Ron picked up one of the pieces and took an ostentatious bite. "Perfectly fine. Now eat."
"You know I was talking about Malfoy, Ron." Harry glowered. "Besides, I'm not even gay!"
"Yes, you are. Now shut up and eat, damnit! We are not losing to Hufflepuff because you haven't eaten!"
"I am not gay! Why does everyone always say I'm gay?"
"Harry, it's because you are," said Ron simply, still piling food onto Harry's plate.
"Hermione!" Harry groaned, leaning over Ron. "Please be the voice of sanity."
"Harry, trust me, you are gay. And you do like Draco."
"I am not gay, and I don't like him!"
"Harry, you play Quidditch," Ron pointed out.
"What does that have to do with anything?" Harry demanded. Ron turned to Hermione.
"Harry, think about it. We've taught you about innuendo. Broomsticks, goals, …spheres, Beaters, Keepers, flying, catching the Snitch…"
Harry thought about it. Slowly it dawned on him. "OH MY GOD."
Ron nodded. "A wonder that they let us play it in front of ickle first years. Ah, well. Besides, it's common knowledge that all Quidditch players fly for the other team."
"Oh, come on. That can't be right. Wood?"
"Percy." Ron made a face. "Dunno why, but whatever. Used to be Cedric."
"Fred."
"Don't ask, don't tell." Ron said. "Well, actually, he's not with anyone but sleeps around a fair bit. Used to be with Cedric quite a lot, though."
"George."
"Have asked, would beat me to a pulp if I told. But yes, it's a guy. Oh, yeah, he was with Cedric too for a bit."
"Ginny."
Hermione coughed.
"Ron, yes, you and Seamus…"
"And I snogged Cedric a bit."
"…"
"Go on," said Ron, amused.
"Cedric. Cedric was totally straight."
"Harry, were you not listening just now when I listed all the people that were with Cedric?"
"What? Anyway, Angelina. No way Angelina's--"
"With Katie Bell and Alicia."
"What, all three? Wow. Hm. Wouldn't have guessed. Well…" Hermione and Ron exchanged glances. That mild response to the thought of three girls like Katie, Alicia, and Angelina...oh yes. Harry was gay. Hermione, on the other hand, was getting a bit flushed.
"Draco."
"Would be with you, but you're stubbornly refusing to admit your lust for him," answered Hermione, tearing herself away from the Quidditch-based images her mind was drooling over.
"Face it, Harry. Like everyone at this school is gay or bi," said Ron. "Including you."
"Dumbledore." Harry folded his arms and sat back in triumph. "No way."
"You-Know-Who. The entire taking-over-the-world thing is just an attention grab on his part. Wonder why he doesn't attack old Twinkly Eyes? Cos he's trying to impress him, that's why."
"Eeeeew." All three made a face at the mere thought of Dumbledore and Voldemort.
"I can't take this." Harry grabbed a piece of toast. "I'm going upstairs and hiding until game time."
As soon as he got into the corridor, Harry was slammed against the wall by Pansy Parkinson.
"Potter. Good. This way," she said. She clamped her hand around his wrist and dragged him behind her to the library.
"Where are you taking me?"
"The library, illiterate. It was in the narrative," Pansy pointed out.
"So why...?"
"Because we're sick of Malfoy denying his obvious crush on you and your friends are sick of you denying your obvious crush on him. So we are going to lock you both in a closet and won't let you out until we hear some declarations of passionate lust. Or just the passionate lust bit, we're not picky. Honestly, you two act like what that insane Rolling or Roeing or whatever writes is actually true. I, for instance, am quite pretty and look nothing like a pug. Vince and Greg can speak and Greg actually writes pretty well and Vince is fabulous onstage. Slytherins and Gryffindors don't get along any worse than the other houses. As for Quidditch--"
"We explained that bit to him at breakfast," said Ron. Harry tried to spin around but failed, because Pansy still had a death grip on his arm.
"Ow. What are you guys doing here? And what are you all going to do with me?" Harry demanded.
"Are…are you serious? I just explained that…" Pansy said, nonplussed.
"Closet. Now." Ron grabbed Harry's other arm and Hermione started shoving Harry's back.
"Wha--wait!"
Harry was shoved in the closet and heard the lock click.
"Damn."
"You can say that again. I thought this only happened in stories. I mean, they were joking about it, but I didn't think they'd actually follow through. Good morning, by the way, Harry."
"Morning Draco. This is so stupid. They appear to believe that I'm gay and have a crush on you. Which, Draco, I'm not and I don't. What are your friends saying?"
"That we'd be cute together."
"But you're not gay, are you?"
"Harry, like everyone at this school flies for the other team or both teams, us included. Are you thick, or just unobservant?"
"I am not fat, Malfoy!"
"…"
"It's dark in here."
"Wow. Really? Hadn't noticed."
There was the sound of a fist hammering on the door. "I DON'T HEAR ANY PASSIONATE DECLARATIONS IN THERE."
"SOD OFF!" Draco shouted in reply.
"We have chocolate for you if you do."
"FINE!" Draco shouted back. "Harry, I love you. You are gorgeous and I wish to snog you to within an inch of your life."
"Good boy. Chocolate's under the door." came the voice. There was a noise like a chocolate bar being slipped under the door. Lo and behold, it was!
"Your turn, Harry," Ron called out.
"No!"
"Draco, you get Harry's chocolate bar if you pin him to the wall and ravish him senseless."
"Done." Draco pinned Harry to the wall. "Just make it sound like we're…you know, kissing and stuff, ok?" he whispered. "If you do, we can get out of here and I'll even share the chocolate bar."
Both boys were blushing furiously but neither could see because it was pitch black in the closet.
Harry began making very unconvincing make-out sounds. Draco flushed even more. In order to shut Harry up, Draco did the only thing he could--he kissed Harry. After several minutes of steamy boy-kissing, Draco felt Harry pull back for air.
"Sorry…" Draco whispered. Draco, insecure as he was, took this to be a rejection, despite the…poke in the hip. He slunk over to the other side of the closet.
Fortunately for our insecure main characters and their friends' sanity, this made Harry overbalance (he was leaning on Draco, you see) and fall squarely into Draco's lap. Draco immediately perked up (no pun intended…oh hell, of course there was!) and took this to mean Harry liked him and began, once more, to snog him senseless.
Half an hour later, Pansy unlocked the closet door and grinned. The boys were obviously quite busy. She snickered and motioned for Ron to hand her the camera.
They all lived happily ever after (Harry, despite dating, snogging, eventually shagging and being completely in love with Draco still insisted he was straight…there's no helping some people) and Pansy was even happier because she now had some excellent blackmail on Draco.