A/N: so half of my exams are done, and another week to go ...
Beta'd by Alice J
Just realised that I updated on the wrong day... the exams are really messing with my head. Oh well, I'll just leave it here... The next update is still on Saturday though... Normally I would be at school on Friday, but I get a day off for the exams...
Chapter 26 - Identities
Every one of my teammates knew that I hated going to the Intelligence Division. It was not that I had anything against all the intels, no, I was actually a firm believer that "knowledge is gold". It was just that there were a few rooms in the Intelligence Division that held a different purpose than the rest. A small northern section in the division was dedicated for psych evaluations and therapy sessions, and I absolutely despised going there.
Kakashi knew that. Perhaps that was why he forced me to attend therapy sessions during the two months of my suspension. For what, I wasn't sure, something about identity crisis? So far, Inoichi-san had agreed with me that there was no progress whatsoever. Of course, my captain wasn't happy, considering this was my last session scheduled before my suspension was over.
"Uchiha-san, here for your appointment with Yamanaka-san, I believe?" The receptionist greeted me with a smile which I returned with a nod. Silently, I followed the routine and headed towards the northern quarters, and the receptionist didn't stop me for any security and clearance check like she would for any other visitors. Maybe it was because she had already seen me too many times here (not something to be proud of), or maybe it was because of my connection with Yamanaka Shun. I really didn't care.
Quietly, I stared at the clock in the waiting room, waiting impatiently for the hour hand to strike three. There was still seven minutes, so I proceeded to close my eyes and rest.
The sound of footsteps broke through the monotonous ticking of the clock. I didn't snap open my eyes like I usually would, instead, I opened them slowly because I was very familiar with this particular set of footsteps.
"Good afternoon, Maiko." Ever the gentleman, Shun greeted me despite everything.
"Good afternoon, Shun." I greeted back. There was a distance in our voices that had never appeared before, but I supposed this was what happened when friends fought.
He wanted to walk away, I could see it in his wavering steps. Stepping forwards, stepping backwards. It looked like he was debating between running away or confronting a battle, and I wasn't sure which was more flattering to me. So before he could escape, I decided to speak up first.
"I'm here for a therapy session with Inoichi-san. Can you…I mean, will you come with me?" What I said must have been really unlike me, because he looked at me with so much uncertainty that I was sure he was running a diagnostic of the likelihood of dissociative personality disorder in his head.
"It's your private session, I shouldn't intrude― " He didn't get to finish his sentence because I stood up and cut him off.
"Shun. I'm really trying here. Akira-shishou told me to fix things with you, so I'm trying to do something. For once, I am not running away. For once, I am trying to show you my perspective. Just take it like my friend!" I had so much frustration in my voice, I had stunned him speechless. Under the awkward silence, I mumbled, "Inoichi-san wouldn't mind, you are his apprentice and my close friend. Apparently, there is this confidante program for emotional support that I never used, and probably never will."
Before he could respond, the door to the therapy room was flung open, revealing a blonde man with the same pale blue eyes as Shun.
"Maiko-chan, you may come in." He addressed me with a smile, before turning his attention to Shun, "Shun, I assume you are coming in as well, the lady herself requested so." With a bit of embarrassment, Shun nodded and followed me into the room with really comfy couches.
"So, where did we end off last time?" Inoichi-san said kindly, but considering how little progress I'd made over the past few sessions, the only thing that was keeping him from slamming the door in my face was probably professionalism.
"Identities," I answered, situating myself on the comfy couches - the only things that seemed worthy of my attention in this room.
"Exactly, so let's start with your Anbu identity, Rabbit. How do you feel about this?" Now, normally, I would answer that I was neutral about it, it was part of the job, so I didn't reject it. However, that was not the point here, was it? After a quick side view glance towards Shun, I spoke up.
"I like it. I mean, I like being Rabbit." There was a glint in Inoichi's eyes as he quickly jogged something down on his clipboard. Woah, okay, that's not good.
"How so? Can you expand on why you feel this way?"
"It's easy. Rabbit is the identity I have when I take missions. I know that the missions are hard with assassinations, infiltrations, raids and that they will most likely get me injured or even killed someday. But being Rabbit is just so easy, she is a blank slate. Not in the literal sense, but all she needs to care about are the missions; there's no heritage, no history, no dreams behind her. It's just so easy to believe that I can live that cleanly." The words just flowed out like a river and before I knew what I said, it was already a flood.
"What about Uchiha Maiko, do you like that identity?"
"No. It's painful, very painful to be reminded of that." I paused a bit before I continued, "It's hard, and I have a lot of responsibilities. The Uchiha family name bears a lot of history. Every time I think of my name, I am reminded of the massacre, my parents' deaths, my cousin's death, and my brother's betrayal. There are so many responsibilities that I just want to run away from them." Surprisingly, I was quite calm. It was like a narrative speech, where I was just describing the feelings in an objective manner, no matter how absurd that sounded. Maybe I had always known of this issue, but I just thought it didn't matter. It was my job anyways to take on the responsibilities because I had already escaped them once years ago.
Ah, yes, this was the silence I've been waiting for. There was a show of sympathy in my psychiatrist's eyes, and Shun, well, I tried not to look at him. Inoichi-san was furiously scribbling something down in his notebook, and he raised his head, ready to continue his questions. However, I spoke up before he could say anything; considering that I was already one of his least favourite patients, I might as well keep that up.
"Oh, if you are going to write that down as mental instability or something like that, please don't, I'm not finished yet." With a sigh, Inoichi-san waved his hand, indicating for me to continue.
"I am not going to give up my identity as Uchiha Maiko, under any circumstances, if that's what you are worrying about. Yes, it's painful, but it's also the most precious thing I have. If I had not been Uchiha Maiko, I would have never met my family, my brothers, my cousin, my friends. The fact those memories hurt shows that I care, and that's more than what I can ask for. Being Uchiha Maiko is the best thing that has happened to me, and I am going to treasure it, not throw it away." Unconsciously, I placed my hands on my chest. I could feel it, my heart was beating, so strong and powerful. The strength of life.
'I don't care about your name, I don't care about your status in the Uchiha Clan. You can be Maiko, or you can be Rabbit, or you can be someone else, I don't care. You will always be Hime to me, you will always be precious to me, so don't you ever forget that.'
So it's okay if I decide to live as Uchiha Maiko, right, Shisui? In this life, I want to be somebody, not just a codename. It was a promise made by my heart, and I would never forget it. I gave my therapist a genuine smile, one that showed him I really meant what I said.
"That was actually... better than what I expected. And here I was, expecting some year-long therapeutic plan from your recent performance." Inoichi-san returned the smile, his posture seemed more relaxed and he had put his pen down.
"Really? Was I really that troublesome?" I joked. Yeah, there's no way that I'm going to attend some year-long help circles. Maybe I do make good decisions once in awhile.
"I don't know, you tell me. These reports on your multiple hospitalisations because of busy A-rank missions don't really seem to be in your favour." He lifted a stack of files onto his desk and I sighed with exasperation.
"Since we are on a streak here, I might as well keep it going. I do kind of want to immerse myself in missions. To me, they are almost like an escape. But that's before I had a…realization with my most recent experience with death, and that's only a part of the reason." I had no idea what to call my little after-death meeting with Shisui. Realization? Enlightenment? Awakening? With a small nod, Inoichi signalled for me to continue.
"Well, first of all, I need money. Long story short, Sasuke is loaded with money he can't use and I am poor. I don't know what kind of inflation is going on around here, but the price for metal weapons these days are not cheap. Secondly, it's just that I died…" Again. I caught myself before I could complete the sentence that was rolling off of my tongue. I looked up again, seeing Inoichi-san's intrigued expression that urged me to keep going.
"You don't have to push yourself if you don't want to remember the experience. But if you are willing, please continue," He said to me in a comforting voice. But you see, I didn't stop because of the horrible experience (although it was really horrible), I stopped because I was connecting this event to the last time I had been blown to pieces - that decisive moment fourteen years ago. One slip up, and it's off to interrogation room we go. Oh, what the hell, I won't get another chance to talk about resurrection so calmly, it was not like he knows what I'm talking about.
"Every time I had a … near-death experience, something would definitely change when I come back to the reality. I was just thrown into this without any say it in. It was like you go to sleep, really like the sleep, but then when you wake up, everything around you shifted in ways you are not prepared for. For that, I am lost, utterly lost. The changes, they made me feel like I'm detached from the reality, cut off between the pre-death and the post-death, unable to define myself again. Every time it happened, it's impossible for me to go back because a piece of me was already being chipped off. So I find comfort in Rabbit, knowing that 'she' is the one part of my identity that won't change." I mumbled softly, furrowing my body deeper into the comfy couches in the process. Why am I telling him that? That thought went through my head multiple times, but they couldn't stop the words flooding out.
"Maiko, have you ever thought of the possibilities that these changes might be good for you. It may not be apparent, but with changes, it comes opportunities," Inoichi-san asked. For once, he had stopped scribbling things down onto his clipboard.
"I suppose." I definitely did not want to go back to my old life in OLYMPUS. Compared that organisation, my life here was a blessing. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that my past was just dangling there like a cloud of mysterious foreign stardust that wouldn't go away. I didn't know what to do with it. Accept it? Reject it? Forget about it?
"It's not a sin to seek stability. We are all scared of changes, but sometimes, they are definitely good for us. We live in a continuation, Maiko, and while we may think things are not changing, they are, constantly. To me, I'd hate to say this, but you are adapting fine. Even though I don't like your method, it works so far. But maybe it's time to realise that adaptation being your own choice, instead of the by-product of the environment. Once you get a sense of control in your life, you will feel a lot better and less afraid of the changes. Although Anbu requires you to have a certain malleability, life would be very bleak if all we do is adapting for survival. I tell this to the most diligent Anbu agent, Anbu uses the code name system for a very important reason: it's only one aspect of their lives, never the whole."
I stared at Inoichi-san as he finished his confusing speech. I didn't understand all of it, not really, but I supposed that his words did have some merits.
"That sounded like a pre-choreographed speech that you're just waiting to use on me." I chirped with a smile, and all I got was a snort.
"You have no idea. Oh, trust me, you make my life really hard with that attitude of denial, but you are not the only one going through this. The identity struggle, the emotional suppression … I am considering calling this collective entity the Anbu Syndrome. It's a phase, a very common one. Realisation alone doesn't make it alright all of a sudden, but it's good enough for most to know what cause the root of their problem and attempt to fix it, instead of pushing it away and bellow in confusion." Oops, that did sound like me.
"As for your identity issue, it's quite common for Anbu agents. Think of your life as a pendulum, one side it's the Anbu duty and the other side is your life as Uchiha Maiko. It's all about the balance. To me, it seems that your Anbu side is easy and well developed, therefore it's your comfort zone. However, your normal life can still be explored greatly. Personal growth is one area to explore, and that not only includes physical abilities, but also personal interests or ideologies. Right now, why don't we start with something small, personal interest, perhaps a hobby of some sort?"
"Hobby, that's the best you can give me. Seriously?" I was definitely not very impressed with the direction of this conversation. However, my therapist just gave me a look that said 'you are not giving me much to work with'.
It was then the sudden realisation hit: I have no hobbies other than in the name of survival. None. Perhaps this was the reason why I was so malleable. I could take on any role, any identity because I had none in the first place. It was so ironic that even though I abhorred the notion of being made into a mindless puppet following someone else's commands, I never thought of reaching out on my own. I was afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone. I was afraid of losing the anonymity I never had.
"We can always talk about morality and philosophical ideologies if you want, but I don't think that you want to spend another three hours with me. Besides, I'm not the solution. I listen to you, I evaluate you, and then I give you advice. It's up to you to take actions. Like I said, adapt according to your own choices."
"It doesn't have to be now. The fact that you are willing to make that step is progress. Your session is over, Maiko-chan, and I'm glad that we at least made some progress. Maybe it's Shun's effect. Hey, Shun, you should come more often, makes your shishou's job a lot easier." With a joking tone, Inoichi-san opened the door to the waiting room which signalled the end of my therapy session. Shun gave his shishou an indifferent face, looking unmoved by his teasing. I chuckled lightly, maybe this was a shishou-apprentice thing. For some reason, after we left their tutelage, they always find ways to tease us relentlessly. We were irritated by it to no ends, no matter how grateful we were of their teachings.
"Maiko-chan, I'll see you at your next scheduled Anbu psych evaluation, I hope you find something by then." With a smile, he shooed us out and closed the door. Did he just…gave me a pass? Finally, I didn't have to come back for extra therapy sessions anymore. This is a good day so far.
With a light heart, I walked out of the Intelligence Division. Then, I realised I forgot one person: the friend I was supposed to apologise to. Immediately, I turned around, almost crashing into the person standing just a feet behind me.
"You totally forgot about me, didn't you." I raised my head to meet Shun's accusing glare. There were irritation and playfulness in his voice, so I guess he wasn't that angry with me anymore?
"No, I knew you were behind me," I said quickly, there was no way he would let me live this down if I admit it now. He raised his eyebrow slightly, with disbelief written all over his face.
"So…when is your next psych evaluation?" Shun asked, probably having nothing better to say.
"In a month," I paused a bit, "if I don't get into any big trouble before that."
"So we have a month to get you a hobby. This is hard, you are a training maniac, you do nothing but train." I really wanted to smack that fake seriousness off his face, "Let's see, cooking, reading, gardening, drawing, stargazing?"
"No, no, no, no and what the hell is stargazing? Stop listing off any generic thing on the list, I'll … contribute to personal growth or whatever that is when I feel like it." I turned around and started walking. He followed me.
"For the record, I probably shouldn't have criticised you without knowing your side of the story, and I'm sorry for yelling at you." I heard him mumbling quietly behind me. The air between us had returned to normal, there was no longer awkwardness or anger permeating the space between us. With that, I smiled.
"Maybe you should thank Akira-shishou for suggesting the solution to me, by, oh I don't know, taking his requests to be a teaching assistant. His genins are loads of fun." Without turning around, I commented offhandedly. Immediately, I heard a laugh behind me.
"Yeah, nice try. Watching the four of you is like watching a train wreck happen in slow motion, can't say it's not entertaining. Whatever you did to them, Satoru is very scared of you; Momo idolises you like you're the coolest person in the world; Ryuu, well, he pisses you off and he knows it." Very true, I thought. "I dread the day when you have to teach someone, truly, my condolences to them." Yeah, me too, so hopefully, I never have to.
"Where are you going now?" Shun asked as he walked faster to catch up to me. I thought about it for a second before answering.
"I have a training session that was supposed to start half an hour ago, although to be fair, I don't think he will be there for another half an hour, but I better get going." Quickly, I touched my left eye, wondering if it would ever return. It had to return, I had to believe in it.
"What did I say earlier?" He teased with a laugh and I gave him a glare.
"See you later." He said.
"See you," I replied.
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ fuwa~fuwa~desu~~~
I couldn't see a thing, but that was supposed to be the point. When I heard the steps charging towards me, I immediately lowered my body and slid for a distance on the ground. I felt two strokes of wind jumping over me, one of them brushed me lightly with its slightly prickly furs. That's Urushi, I deduced, then the other one with the heavy footsteps must be Bull.
Suddenly, I felt a heavy presence looming over me, pressuring me from above. Without a second of delay, I jumped away and landed on the tree trunk on my left. Just as I bounced off of the tree, I heard the loud thuds of two forces crashing down. Both medium-weighted, a bit on the heavier side, Ūhei and Shiba.
There were now four sets of sound behind me, catching up to me without any hesitation, so I ran faster. Wait a second, there are only three now. The other one…Ūhei…he sprinted towards to the left then…'thud', something landed right in front of me.
I didn't even have the time to curse as I did an unprepared front flip and almost landed on my knees. However, before I could regain my balance, something attacked me from behind. Something small crashed into me, it had the fresh smell of pine cones, Guruko, he likes to roll in pine needles. Without thinking, I body flickered, and it was only after I'd done it that I realised how stupid I was. Body flicker with no line of sight, not recommended.
I stopped somewhere between five to ten meters ahead of the pack, the large scrape on my arm showing me how lucky I was and how stupid my action was. Nevertheless, I kept running. I had five on my radar and three more to go.
Kakashi developed this exercise of running through the forest while avoiding his ninkens, blind. He was crazy, and I was probably also crazy for agreeing to it.
It was by sheer luck that I avoided Bisuke and Akino. I twisted my body at the last second and avoided an attack from Bisuke, and the only signal was the little fleck of dirt I felt when he jumped. Akino somersaulted me from the side, but when I landed on the side of a tree, he crashed into the tree trunk and I almost fell. I almost, but I didn't. I was just barely fast enough to grab onto a branch to swing myself forward. Once I had landed firmly on the ground again, I continued to run like hell.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven… there's one missing. Pakkun. I loved Pakkun, he was adorable, but the fact that he was so small made his presence completely hidden. I could feel it, the exit at the other end of the forest, and the gentle wind slowly became harsher, brushing against the fabric covering my eyes.
I was close, I swear I was close. Compared to the first day where I barely made even ten meters, this was an improvement. But not good enough. If I had to fight with one eye closed, so be it, and I better be damn good at it to stay alive.
A sense of danger surrounded me as I felt the heat of sunlight approaching. Then it all went wrong. Pakkun tripped me, and despite my attempt to jump up, he clung onto my ankle and dragged me down. I wasn't about to give up, no, so with a quickly flip, I flung the little pug off. However, the problem with the pack was that once one of them got me down, the rest would suddenly seem to appear out of nowhere.
As I rolled out of the forest, the dogs latched onto me one by one, dragging me back to the densely packed trees. With a final bout of strength, I jumped across the supposed finish line and fell into the clearing with four or five dogs in tow.
The crash knocked the wind out of me. As I rolled over on the ground and breathed desperately for air, the dogs released my clothes one by one. I was content to just lay there forever, but unfortunately, I heard a set of relaxed footsteps walking towards me. It was human. My freaking examiner was here.
"So close, but you lost at the last moment." Kakashi's casual voice sounded in front of me. I heard the rustling sound of a page flipping, he was definitely still reading that 18+ novel.
"I did get out, didn't I?" I argued, not even bothered to try to get up from the ground. However, I did sit up slowly, so that I wouldn't look so pathetic every time the training sessions ended.
"Only barely. If these were not of my pack, but enemies with swords, you would already have several gaping holes in you." There was a snap, hinting that he had closed his book. I could feel the intense gaze criticising me of my inability to survive, and he would be correct.
"Give her a break, Kakashi, the little pup is doing better than I expected. Remember your training? It took you three months to get this far." I heard Pakkun's encouraging voice and I extended my arms to allow him to jump on. With a small 'thud', I felt a furry mass in my arms.
I could hear Kakashi's mumbling of "traitor" and the other ninkens' snicker around us. It took a while before things settled down and he said to me, "You can take off the cloth now, we are done for today."
Without any hesitation, I snatched the fabric and pulled it off of me. I shook my head lightly to get my hair out of the way, then opened my eyes to welcome the visual sensory signals that immediately assaulted my brain. I saw the eight ninkens sitting around us, chatting happily with each other, wagging their tails in excitement. I saw Kakashi's blurry image in the corner of my left eye, leaving the vicinity from an angle I couldn't see, like usual.
Wait, what… I saw him in my left eye… Immediately, without thinking, I closed my right eye. This time, it was not the eternal darkness that greeted me, no, I could still saw the ninkens, the densely packed forest, the small river flowing beside us, and Kakashi, who stopped running away at my apparent strange behaviour.
With light steps, I body flickered to the river, stepping into the refreshing stream of water with no care of the world. I stared down at the crystal clear stream, and my face stared back at me, filthy and sweaty, but that was not the point. I blinked once, feeling the mangekyou sharingan activate smoothly. I saw it, the single crimson petal outlined in black that had reappeared in my left eye. Despite the asymmetricity of the image, I laughed with joy.
"It's back, finally back," I muttered in between bouts of broken laughter. Feeling the curious gazes on my back, I whipped my head around and flaunted my newly returned mangekyou sharingan. Kakashi's visible eye widened a bit in surprise, and there were a few excited barks from the pack.
"My left eyesight is back," I repeated, this time clearer and louder, but still with that stupid smile on my face. I wanted to say it again and again, as if to confirm the truth, to inscribe this moment into history, so that it would never be lost. My sight is back. Today is a good day.
I didn't get to stand for long, because all the ninkens crashed into me in celebration, with Pakkun as the lead. I fell backwards into the river due to the impact, splashing the water up and drowning myself in the cold iciness. But it was not cold at all, it was refreshing.
Eventually, I got out of the river, with eight ninkens in toll, completely drenched in water. My captain was looking at us, mildly irritated by our childish behaviour. I couldn't blame him, I didn't know what had come over me, but it felt like I was in a drunken flurry today.
"Congratulations, I suppose you don't need to train with me anymore. What a shame, your training was going well, too." Kakashi said in a flat voice, staying as far away from the wet ninkens as possible, because they were shaking their bodies to dry up, spraying water everywhere around them. Meanwhile, I didn't even bother to move. I was already wet enough, a few more droplets of water was not going to hurt. So I stood between the ninkens, enduring the mini-rainstorm they brought.
"Nobody said that, so stop acting like you are off the hook. Who knows, maybe I still need the training in the future…not that I am planning on blinding myself again, at least not intentionally." I added the last sentence as soon as I felt the critical glare on me. It would be fun, wouldn't it, to be able to glare at people with two eyes again.
"Then you need to hurry up, there are only a few days left before your medical leave expires." I heard him saying as I wiped the water off of my eyes.
"Have I ever disappointed you before, Captain?" I was saying that as a joke, but when I saw Kakashi narrowing his eyes in skepticism, I scowled at him, "Don't. Just don't answer that." Kakashi nodded slowly.
"Boys, I think your master needs a bath, don't you?" I whispered to the ninkens around me. Pakkun's jaw widened in amusement as the other dogs nodded mischievously. Kakashi's ninken pack might be loyal to him to the point of death, but they were not above harmless pranks (bad influence on my part). Immediately, Kakashi shut his precious book and slid it down his jacket; when facing eight wet ninkens, the most dangerous threat was getting his book wet.
Soon the clearing was filled with blurs of human and dogs alike. The heno-heno-moheji squad chased their owner around the training ground, flinging water and dirt into the air. I stood in the middle of the clearing, gazing into the sky, taking in the vast blueness. My sight is back, and I feel…whole again.
Today is a good day.
(づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ fuwa~fuwa~desu~~~
When I got back to the apartment after a long, boring guard shift, it was already dark outside. The previous guard didn't even bat an eyelash when he saw me reporting for my shift, drenched in water. I supposed that when you guard the village gate often enough, you see enough strange things on a daily basis. Still, I stuck through my paid mission and by the time my shift was over, my clothes had already dried off.
I opened the door to my apartment and walked into the dark, empty room. Sasuke was at a sleepover with Nara Shikamaru. For some strange reason, the Jonin Commander didn't kick Sasuke out for electrocuting his koi pond, although there really had been no koi fish in it.
The first thing I did was to take a shower. As the hot steam filled the bathroom, I cleaned my body, scrubbing away the dirt and the sweat. When I stepped out of the shower, I glanced at the mirror. Despite the steam that clouded the mirror to a heavy opaque white, I could still clearly see the various scars that adorned my body.
The long laceration mark on my right thigh from when I was seven; the piercing scar on my stomach from when I was twelve; the healing scar on my chest from just two months ago, along with numerous smaller, paler white lines representing the dozens of battles I'd been through. Oh, how horrified mom would be if she could see me now.
They were not pretty, nor did they represent any honour or glory. But, they were a part of me. They represent those I saved, those I killed and those I lost. Suddenly, I remembered the thought I had years ago, about how my body would turn out to be exactly like the one I had in my previous life: trained and scarred. Ironically, it seemed to be very true, the parallelism was uncanny.
Even so, I recognised the clear distinction: I am Uchiha Maiko right now, and all those battle scars I had, were decided by me. I have an identity.
Suddenly, something clicked in my mind. I put on my clothes quickly and ran into my/Sasuke's room without even waiting for my hair to dry. I stumbled past the door and searched through the drawers. Sasuke liked to keep everything clean and organised, so I quickly found the drawer where I kept my extra things. After some searching, I found the little bag I was looking for and I pulled out the artifact I almost forgotten.
The black fabric was still comfortable to the touch, and the greyish-white pearl was still giving a smooth pearlescent shine that resembled the moonlight instead of the sun. Staring at the necklace, I smiled a bit. Thank you Shisui, maybe all I needed was some confirmation, for someone to tell me that I wasn't crazy, that my search for truth wasn't worthless.
Thank you. Thank you for everything.
I put it back into the bag and placed it in the drawer, right where I found it. This time, I wasn't trying to suppress the bad memories. No, I was trying to keep the memento safe, until one day I could put it on with pride.
My fingertips brushed over the new scar I recently gained on my chest, and then I had the most random thought: it's kind of ugly because Orochimaru was the one who caused it. It was not huge, being only the width of a ninjatō, but the discolouration made it especially obvious. No doubt, there was the same scar on my back where the sword entered.
It was so glaring that I wanted to cover up the humiliating mark. Well, I could always find some ink and write 'Die Orochimaru' as a declaration for my aspiration, but that seemed very counter-intuitive and ironic, not to mention rubbing the salt on the wound.
No wonder people called me crazy.
Next, my sight hovered over the messy desktop covered with notebooks in various directions. "Come on, Sasuke. If you want to take my room, at least clean the desk." I muttered as I gathered the books and started to stack them properly.
I reached out for a forgotten notebook that obviously fell off the shelf when Sasuke pulled out some other books, but I accidently pushed it over the ledge instead. The notebook fell on the floor with its pages splattered open, revealing a few scribbles images.
Pencil drawing of a night-blooming cereus, all of them. Some scribbles out and some traced over with harsh pencil lines almost ripping the pages apart. Ah, now I remember, the dark period of my not so bright past.
I remembered the obsession I had with that image right after the massacre, trying so hard to remember what it meant and how did I know it as if it could give me some answers as to why I was here.
That was the first time I realised that my old memory might not be as accessible as I thought. Clearly, dying the first time robbed me a bit more than just a world I was familiar with. All I could say was that all these impressions, memories I had of OLYMPUS, they were just scratching the surface like some primal instinct that allowed me to remember my disgust towards them and my fear towards being controlled. But they were far from the complete picture. Some episodic memories, they returned hastily, bits and pieces only in times when I didn't want them. But the ones I really wanted to know, it was like someone carved out an area of my brain left it empty.
I wanted to know why was I killed. I really did. I was an emotionless model for the organisation, so I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. After all, what was the biggest mystery in life? Death.
So all I could do at that time was to try to recreate that image which I knew had something to do with my first death; desperately attempting to find some kind of answer, even if I was asking the wrong question.
After two years, I found myself revisiting the question, probably at the worst time ever. Still, I stared at the image of something so beautiful, so out of place with my previous life and wondered. Why did I die?
"... Remember that you are nothing more than a tool that was built and designed to serve OLYMPUS…"
"... I said, kill me…"
"... Sophia Crowford …"
"... Some call it the 'Queen of the Night' … doesn't have the vanity a queen would hold…"
"... you know the rules …"
Safe to say, it didn't take very long for the trance to break. When the voices all disappeared, I found my Sharingan already in full activation without me ever realising it.
I shook my head, clearing the whispers and the Sharingan alike. Quickly, I picked up the notebook from the floor and slipped it back onto the shelf, like all of this never happened. It shouldn't be happening, especially not now, when I was finally comfortable in my new skin; my new and precious identity.
Ah, I am accepting my new role, right? But how can I do that when I couldn't even let go of the past?
After all, I wanted to be able to gamble everything on 'Uchiha Maiko'; leaving absolutely nothing behind with everything to lose.
A/N: I am almost done with Arc two, just a few more chapters. Confession time: I'm surprised that no one had complained about my section dividers (づ｡◕‿‿◕｡)づ fuwa~fuwa~desu~~~. Let's just that I started the emoticon as a joke, and then my beta added the words. They looked better in my doc since they were in a different font ... now they just lose their fluffiness.