I decided to turn this into a sort of series of oneshots.
:::
"Hurry the hell up, puh-leez!" Scout crossed his arms, idly tapping his foot as he glared into RED's Dustbowl base. He had told his team to specifically be ready in half an hour. Meaning they should've been out two minutes ago, at specifically 11:14 AM.
It's freakin' 11:16.
How long did it take seven middle aged men and one mumbling whatever Pyro was to find some civilian clothes? All Scout had to do was pull on some dirty jeans and white unstained t-shirt with red vest, before slipping on his regular trainers and heading out back where Engineer's truck was parked.
It was the second ceasefire day in a month, and holy hell, Scout was going to enjoy it. For him, that meant visiting Dusty Looms, a local amusement park an hour and a half drive from the Dustbowl base. The only problem was that Scout wasn't legally allowed to drive (or even own a gun to be honest) due to an argument between his Ma and BLU Spy that he'd rather pretend didn't happen.
So, Scout enlisted Pyro, to enlist Engineer to play Dad and drive the two down to Dusty Looms for shenanigans and babe scouting. To Scout's horror, Engineer had roped Heavy into it, closely followed by Medic (who seemed a bit too excited at the prospect of projectile vomit) and Demo, who had gotten his mother flowers and she liked them very much. The Scotsman had urged Soldier to join the team on their adventure, and the American patriot only relented because he believed it to be some sort of team-building exercise assigned by Miss Pauling. Sniper had somehow accepted an invitation no one offered him, and Spy had said something about tanning his feet before slithering off.
"Yo!" Scout called into the darkness of the base, starting to regret not just hijacking Engineer's truck. Too bad the Texan would literally crack his head open with his newly constructed "ew how do you wash that thing" metal hand.
"Calm down, the park is not going anywhere."
Scout jumped, flipping around to see a red balaclava.
"Jesus, you need ta' stop doin'- what are you wearing?" Scout stared at his older not-friend – did Spy have no fashion sense outside of his suit? The Frenchman raised an eyebrow, cigarette hanging out of his mouth, as if he didn't look like a complete mess, grey button down sleeves rolled up and several buttons undone, over white trousers with a slight flair and sandals.
"Excuse you. This is the epitome of fashion," Spy drawled, leaning against Sniper's camper which was parked a few feet from Engineer's twenty year old truck. Just before Scout could retort, the rest of the mercenaries started to file out of base.
"Oi! Wot did I say 'bout leaning on my van?" Sniper complained, buttoning the top of his red and black plaid shirt and wearing what looked like beige cargos with zippers on the side, and his boots underneath.
"Why do you look like a dumbass?"
"Wot?" Sniper looked highly offended. "This here is practical, mate," he boasted, pointing to the zippers on his pants. "Gets too hot and you can just make 'em into shorts."
"Ach," Medic grunted, entering the courtyard and catching the tail-end of what he assumed to be an impending argument. "Can we make zis a pleasant trip?" Thankfully, he looked reasonable, proper button up with suspenders to hold up dark trousers. Heavy followed after him, a large smile to contain his excitement for the day, near matching with a short-sleeved checkered button up, beige trousers and- Scout gawked – aqua flipflops.
Engineer hurried out last, dragging a bouncing Demoman and grumbling Soldier. The short Texan wore cowboy boots over jeans and a short sleeved button up, looking like a complete stranger without his signature hardhat and goggles. Likewise, Demoman was missing his beanie and alcohol, or it was concealed under his red t-shirt, dark jeans, and ratty pair of sneakers.
Soldier obviously did not try, only missing his jacket, otherwise looking basically like he would on an off day with his helmet, dark trousers and boots.
"Team-building could happen on the field, we could be training. Tomorrow-"
"Aye, tomorrow we'll kick some arse, yeah, yeah. Cheer up boyo, I'll win ye some animals and what have ye," Demo interrupted Soldier's ensuing rant. The American blinked.
"Animals?"
"Stuffed ones, yeah. Ye can take the heads off and add them to ye collection!" This seemed to considerably brighten the patriot's mood.
"Mmphill mpho mphin mphee mphfinh?"
"Of course I'll win ye somethin', lad!" Demo waved Pyro over as the last RED member latched the base door behind himself. (Not that it would matter to any of the BLU members who could easily get in if necessary.)
"You know, they probably will not allow alcohol there, right?" Medic commented dryly, pulling open the side door to Sniper's van as the Australian started the engine. Demo just smirked, revealing a metal bottle from his coat pocket and shaking it at a grinning Soldier.
"Is that so?"
"Screw the animals, I'm gonna be pickin' up chicks!" announced Scout, starting to shove Heavy into Sniper's van after Medic. The Russian just raised an eyebrow at Scout's efforts and took his sweet time ambling into the camper.
"Mmpeye mphnt mph mmpize!"
"Yeah, I'll get ya one, just get in the van!" snapped Scout, glancing over at Pyro. He froze. The mumbling merc was wearing loose jean overalls (most likely Engineer's) over a pink blouse, and his usual gloves and boots. He had a red hankerchief around the back of his gasmask in a knot, and a flower printed purse over his shoulder.
"Very stylish," commented Spy, noticing their teammate as well, puffing on his cigarette as he climbed into the passenger seat next to a scowling Sniper. There were some mumbles of agreement (and Sniper yelling at Spy to put out the cancer-stick) as everyone loaded into the vehicles. Scout shot Pyro a disapproving look as the merc but nonetheless got in next to him in the passenger seat of Engineer's truck.
:::
The line to Dusty Looms was entirely too long, even for a Saturday. Spy took the lead to make proper talk and get their tickets, Medic over his shoulder to ensure order. Heavy waited patiently behind him, while Engineer was trapped between a squabbling Demo and Soldier.
"You're gonna pay, and I'll play the games!"
"Hell no, you drunk immigrant! You're paying and I'm winning all the animals!"
"I'm not even drunk yet, ye half-wit!"
"Why don't ya'll just pay for yer own games, huh?"
Behind the trio, Scout was ranting to Pyro about all he planned to do, Sniper listening in.
"Rides are great and all, but I'm gonna be lookin' for chicks. And I can't have ya bein' creepy, sorry man," Scout remarked to Pyro's blank stare.
"Aw, c'mon mate. Picking up sheilas ain't all that fun," Sniper popped in, pushing his aviators farther up his nose in the deserts harsh sun. Scout scowled at the sharpshooter.
"Yer just sayin' that cuz yer old. Pyro agrees, right?"
"Mmpye mphnna mphid mph mphides."
"Yeah, that's wot this place is about, right?"
"Whatever, you chucklenuts are losers is all," the youngest merc snapped, waving away Sniper's raised eyebrow.
Up at the entrance, Spy seemed to be having a moment with the young female employee at the front.
"The bracelets are the tickets for your group. And, uhm sir, you can't smoke in the park. Or within twenty feet of it." Spy raised an eyebrow, and took a drag of his cigarette before:
"How unfortunate. I have an illness that requires I smoke at all times. Surely, my doctor here can verify that," Spy casually said, gesturing to Medic over his shoulder. The German shook his head, reaching to grab the bracelets off the counter.
"Nein, my collegue here is simply an addict." Medic snatched the cigarette out of the Frenchman's lips and threw it over his shoulder.
"Onward comrades!" The entire team filed in as Medic handed out the admission bracelets. Spy begrudgingly followed last. At least they didn't say anything about his balaclava.
:::
"Okay, ya'll. Let's meet back here in six hours. There's probably gonna be traffic and we wanna make it back before dark," Engineer announced as the team gathered in a circle and strapped on the bracelets. Without his goggles or hardhat, he could easily pass as a father instructing his kids. It didn't help that Scout was already complaining.
"Boooooo, I'm stayin' out all night!"
"Not if you want a ride back, wanker," Sniper interjected, sharing an amused smile with Heavy who was standing next to him.
"Enough talk!" yelled Soldier, unsurprisingly, raising a fist to the air. "Let's go win some animals, maggots!" With that the American war hero marched off, followed closely by Demo who was already drinking from his metal, not-water, water bottle.
Scout took this as his cue and bounced off, Pyro quickly following after with his purse swinging behind him.
Sniper watched them go, somewhat disappointed they didn't ask him to join them. He turned to the rest, deciding Engineer would be his best bet as a buddy for a day.
No one was there.
"Aw, piss."
:::
"Okay, it seems we are here," mumbled Medic, reading a map he picked up from the information station in the park.
"Why exactly did you not vouch for me," asked Spy, slinking over as his hands now fingered another cigarette. He, Heavy, and Engineer had followed after the German who took the lead, fussing over the map. Although the wait was long outside, the park wasn't as crowded as expected, mostly with children and teenagers enjoying their Saturday off (a Saturday which usually meant work for the mercenaries at 7AM sharp). The group garnered quite a bit of stares, most likely due to Spy's ridiculous outfit (balaclava not withstanding) and the abhorrent brightness of Heavy's flip flops that only Scout seemed to gripe about when they left base.
"Doktor lost license. Is not official doktor," supplied Heavy as the group slowly wandered through the park. He glanced around at all the festivities and food carts, his flip flops smacking against the dirt.
"Not to mention there are kids around. Just give the tobacco a rest for the day, pardner," Engineer added, watching as a group of children ran by. His daughter would love it here. Spy scowled.
"But of course," he grumbled, slipping the cigarette under his balaclava. He turned away from his coworkers.
"I am off then. I will wait by the cars and-"
"Amusement park is most fun!" cheered Heavy, wrapping a beafy arm around the Frenchman. Spy was sure Heavy was just playing ignorant now, perhaps believing that like most of the team, no one would think he ever had ulterior motives for anything.
"Yes, but-"
"Ah ha!" Medic called out, waving the map. "The closest ride is ze…'bumper cars'?"
"Oh, boy," started Engineer, rubbing his gloved and bare hand together. "Ya'll are in for a treat."
:::
By the time Soldier and Demo found the games, Demo was more than tipsy (which wasn't even that bad given Demo's default manner was usually tipsy). Soldier slapped down a couple of bills, glaring at the teenage boy behind the counter.
"I am here for the animals!" The war veteran pointed to the row of stuffed animals lining the top of the booth. The pimply teenager just stared.
"You're going to have to play the game, sir. If you get one hundred points, you can get a prize. Two hundred points will get you a bigger prize. It's one dollar a round and-"
"Accepted!"
"Aw, c'mon lad, this is gonna be a bit of a challenge," declared Demo, waving at the ball toss game. "All ye ever aim correctly at is yer feet!"
"I'll have you know, that is a tactical move! My aim is impeccable, unlike some blind Irish maggot."
"Ye fool! It takes expert precision to be a demoman, the planning, the angles, the-"
Soldier grabbed one of the plastic balls set out by the clerk and threw it right into the 20 point center of the target. He shot Demo a smirk, picking up another ball. The Scotsman frowned, slowly pocketing his metal bottle. Bills were slammed on the table.
"Uh, sir, you don't have to slam-"
"Most animals win!" the Cyclops yelled, and the two RED members met helmet to eye, looking ready to kill. The clerk calmly placed a basket of balls out for Demo who immediately grabbed one. He aimed and:
"THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!"
:::
It can only get worse from here. Poor Sniper, no one ever wants to hang out with him.