Soldier is in love with Scout's mother and Scout ain't havin' none of that.
:::
"Listen Ma', you can't be hangin' around too long, okay? Our boss don't like us havin' guests and-"
"Oh, you worry too much, hon'," Scout's mother reached over to tug at her son's cheek. Scout scowled and crossed his arms from his seated position on the counter. His mother was bustling around the large kitchen, cooking up a storm it seemed. Wearing Pyro's somewhat burned apron, the matriarch had gotten to work washing near-expired vegetables stuffed in the back of the fridge, as well as defrosting the slabs of processed chicken in the freezer. A large pan of spices and onions sat on the oven next to a pot of pasta set to boil.
"You don't seem to like your coworkers much," prodded Scout's mom, shooting her son an amused smile. "They seem like nice fellas to me." Scout violently shook his head, hopping off the counter.
"No. Way. They are like, the biggest jerks to ever exist. Almost as bad as-"
"Ahem." Soldier stood in the kitchen's doorway, helmet missing and hand behind his back. Scout let out a tight scream, nearly backing into the defrosting chicken on the counter.
"Where's ya hat, man?" the young merc asked, seemingly terrified at the sight of Soldier's unshielded eyes.
"Oh, don't be rude, sweetie. Soldier, was it?" Scout Ma smiled at the broad-shouldered mercenary, completely unaware of the crazy that Scout seemed to have seen in those eyes.
"Affirmative," responded Soldier, standing at attention. Suddenly, he pulled a bundle of badly picked flowers from behind him. They were all different types, most wilting, made of whites and yellows, and the roots dangled from the end of the bruised stems. "These are for you."
"Why do you look constipated?" asked Scout, cautiously leaning forward to get a look at his American coworker. "Should I get the doc?"
"Oh!" Scout's mother beamed at the flowers, quickly turning off the sink and making her way over. "That's really sweet of you! Guys 'round here sure do know how to make a girl feel welcome." Scout watched in horror as his mother shot Soldier a wink when she accepted the flowers.
"Now let me just find somewhere to put these," the woman mused, glancing around for some sort of vase. Scout took her distraction as an opportunity to sidle up next to the tense Soldier.
"I don't know what yer up to, pally, but it better not involve my ma'," the younger man threatened, wagging a finger at Soldier. The war veteran did not at all even seem to notice the nuisance, and instead was watching Scout's mother place the flowers in a tall glass.
"Ma'am!" he suddenly perked up, and Scout nearly fell back at the outburst.
"Hm?" Scout's mom looked back at him over her shoulder. Soldier looked ready to burst, and maybe he would overflow with stars and stripes and bald eagles.
"You…you raised a good son. It is truly an honor to have him serve with me." Soldier didn't wait for a response and quickly turned and stalked out. He hadn't exactly said what he wanted to, nor was there any truth to it, but women liked compliments, even if it was about their snot-nosed bratty sons. Scout stared after his coworker, eyes narrowed. Something wasn't right.
:::
"Yo!" Engineer sighed inwardly. Just ignore him, just ignore him, just-
"YO, HARDHAT!" Scout jumped on top of Engineer's work bench, feet on the schematics he was working on. The southerner growled and unclipped his wrench from his belt, ready to smack the boy for interrupting his work.
"Easy there," Scout defended, hands up in mock surrender as he hopped back onto the floor. "I need your help." Scout looked serious. Deathly serious, and Engineer had to wonder if someone had just died and respawn was down.
"Soldier likes my ma'." Engineer stared.
"Boy, you best be joking."
"I'm afraid he isn't." Both Engineer and Scout yelped, turning to see Spy uncloak from the shadows, wearing his usual red-tinged suit. They stared. He stared back.
"How long have you been standing there?" asked Engineer, eyebrows furrowed. Spy waved his hand flippantly.
"A short while. And as I said, the poor little jackrabbit is correct. Our dear comrade has a, how you say, crush on his lovely mother," Spy elaborated, making his way to Engineer's work table with his usual air of unwarranted arrogance. Scout glared at him, raising his fist in what he presumed to be a threatening manner.
"My ma' ain't lovely, at least not to you!"
"Oh, please," waved off Spy, "she is hardly my type. But I believe the real reason you're here is to enlist assistance in breaking Soldier's love for your mother?"
"Actually, I was trying to get help to knock him out until tomorrow," Scout said, shrugging. Spy sighed, shaking his head.
"Amateur. A real man would confront his mother's suitor. What you need to do," started Spy, giving Scout a look, a look so serious, more serious than death, that even Engineer leaned in to hear his words.
"Is fight him. Prove to him that your mother needs no man, but you." Scout and Engineer stared, the former starting to smile and the latter raising an eyebrow.
"Why doesn't he just tell him BLU Spy is dati-"
"That's a brilliant idea!" Scout jumped as Spy smiled knowingly. "Just gotta knock a coupla of his teeth out and he won't ever look twice at my ma' again. Thanks, Frenchy!"
"Wait," Spy ordered, placing a hand on Scout's shoulder in a somewhat fatherly manner. "You must beat him in a fight in front of your mother. It is the only way to destroy his love for her." Scout nodded as if he was receiving sagely wisdom.
"Got it." With that, the young man ran off to prepare for the lunch his mother was cooking up.
:::
"This is all very good!" complimented Heavy, having a forkful of Scout Ma's alfredo pasta and spicy chicken.
"Ja," added in Medic, adding more mashed potatoes to his plate from the bowl at the center of the seldom used dining table. The entire team was gathered for the homecooked lunch, and couldn't be at all any happier. Scout's mother sat at the head of the table, watching with pride as her son and his friends enjoyed her meal.
"I'll say. You should come 'round here more often," Sniper said from next to Medic, having already finished half his meal. Across from him, Demo snorted, and nudged Scout, who sat at his side.
"Make sure to eat all yer greens, lad. Wouldn't want to disappoint yer mum," the demolitions expert chuckled, as Scout just sent him a growl, fork digging into his mother's greenbeans and spinach. The cook laughed along, and reached over to ruffle her son's hair against his protest. Across from Scout, on his mother's other side, Soldier was sitting back straight in his chair, eating without having made a single mess on the table or his face. It seemed to warrant a slow pace, as his plate was still modestly full and he spent an enormous amount of time sneaking glances at the dark-haired vixen to his right. At the other head of the table, Spy was trying to hold back at smirk at the impending hilarity that would ensue, while Pyro gave a thumbs up and nod of approval for the meal. Although he had explained that he wasn't hungry and usually ate alone, the chef had prepared him a special dessert milkshake that Pyro sipped through a straw from the side opening of his mask. On Spy's other side, Engineer nodded along.
"We really appreciate this, ma'am." He hadn't had this good a meal since he was home last Christmas, and truth be told, he really was thankful Scout had such a sweet mom. The matriarch blushed and shook her head.
"The pleasure was mine. You all looked like ya needed something nice, especially my boy here. I hope he hasn't just been eating sugar or anything like that!" No one had the heart to tell her that Scout drank more than the healthy amount of energy drinks and if not for the medigun and respawn, Medic would probably need to make up a new type of diabetes to diagnose him.
Suddenly, Soldier stood up from his seat, garnering the table's attention. Everyone stopped in their eating and looked over at the oddly quiet mercenary.
"Ma'am. Miss Scout's mother. You are one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, and it would truly be an honor for me to take you to a real American dinner. I know a place that serves burgers and pop, and I swear to you it is the freest place in this great country," Soldier announced fixing Scout's mother with a look a pure determination. The woman blinked and placed a hand to her chest.
"Oh, my. Well, I really appreciate the notion, but-"
"Aghhhh!" Scout jumped out of his seat, across the table, and onto Soldier, sending him back and onto the floor. Unfortunately the older man's foot caught the edge of Sniper's seat, who was sitting next to him, and the Aussie went tumbling down, plate coming with him.
"Holy dooley!" Sniper yelped as Scout and Soldier started wrestling on the kitchen floor.
"Get off, you hippie!" Soldier bellowed as Scout tried to choke him.
"Stay away from my ma'!" Soldier kicked him off, and Scout rolled into the still floored Sniper.
Soldier socked Scout across the face and onto the table. The runner didn't stay down, jumping up, one foot in Demo's chicken and pasta. He picked up the bowl of mashed potatoes and swung it at Soldier, who dodged and swiped Medic's salad plate as a weapon.
"Dummkopfs!" Medic cursed, jumping out of his seat as Soldier shoved the salad into Scout's face. The younger mercenary fell back into Heavy, who at this time had been enjoying his meal with no concern for the destruction around him. But now, Scout had knocked over Heavy's chicken and pasta, and had his butt in the large man's face.
"Heavy was having nice lunch!" snapped the heavy weapons expert, shoving Scout off of him and standing up, looking ready to flip the table.
"Let's all calm down, now," Engineer pleaded, reaching to hold back Heavy. Scout didn't listen though, intent on making Soldier wish he never fell for his mother. He dodged Soldier's punch and kicked him in the side, then quickly swung for a jab at the throat. Soldier's large feet stumbled across the table, stepping on the food, and knocking Pyro's milkshake over. The gasmask'd man let out a wail, straw falling out of his mask as he mourned the strawberry-banana remains. Remains that Soldier soon landed on as Scout leapt on him and once again reached for his throat.
"Give up, ya bastard, ya ain't getting my ma'!" Scout threatened as Soldier blubbered out unintelligibly and shoved his meaty hands into the runner's face.
"Thomas J. Phillips!"
The choking ceased, and everyone stilled. The only sound now was Spy's loud laughter and snorting.
Scout's mother stood at the other head of the table, looking red and ready to murder. All the other mercenaries took a visible step back. The woman stalked over to where her son was in mid-assault, and yanked him off of Soldier by his ear.
"Youch! Ma' wait-"
Scout's coworkers watched as his mother led him out of the room by his ear, threatening all manner of punishment in response to what had just occurred.
"You think ya real manly huh? Wait 'till ya brothers hear about this one. Oh, and just wait until ya birthday kid, because let me just tell you, when you visit next month, yer gonna be scrubbin' the entire house down!" The mother and son paired disappeared down the hall, Scout's mother's Boston accent growing stronger with each threat.
"Ma', c'mon, it wasn't my fault – ouch Ma', yer pullin' a little too hard-OUCH!"
:::
I always pictured Spy as seemingly cool and whatnot on the field, but always doing stuff to his teammates for the lols. It's a wonder anyone takes his advice seriously anymore. And Scout always goes to Engineer first for advice, even though Engie obviously wants to throttle him.
Now give me ideas for the next little oneshot!