After storming out of the x-ray room, Arizona went straight to her office, locked the door, and closed the blinds, hoping no one came looking for her. She started pacing her office like a caged animal and felt her vision getting blurry from the tears she refused to let fall. She had cried way too many tears over Callie and though these were different, these were tears of anger and frustration, maybe even at herself, she had to hang on to the little bit of pride she had left. Two years! After two years of pretending she was okay, that it didn't hurt like hell that her wife left her, ignoring the gossip, plastering on a fake smile and playing nice with Callie and now with her girlfriend, she blew it all to hell in one single outburst. Of course she had moved on in her own way, found happiness and success in her new specialty, came to terms with some ugly truths about herself and tried to fix them, but she was unsure if she would ever find love again, or if she really wanted to look for it.
Arizona plopped down on her sofa and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to fight off the headache which was sure to come. She knew aside from the humiliation she felt, there would be other repercussions to face from her rant. She tried her best not to focus on Callie's words, not to analyze every single thing she said and wonder what it meant. She knew if she did that, she would jump to the wrong conclusion and try to find hope where there was none. She did hold out hope for that first year. She stayed in the background, tried to stay out of Callie's way…in other words, she avoided her at all costs, while still hoping she would decide she couldn't live without her and ask her to come back home. That didn't happen though and all too soon, the Latina was dating again. Just like that. That quickly she was showing her she could be replaced and she wasn't even trying to hide it. Like Callie always did, she over shared, pranced her relationships throughout the hospital, and didn't give a second thought about how it would make her feel. Then today she had the nerve to ask why she didn't care, how this was so easy for her.
Callie was the one who left, she was the one who moved on, she was the one who was dating, yet her ex-wife had the nerve to be angry at her for making it look easy. In her mind, that only meant the ortho surgeon didn't pay attention at all. Callie knew her better than anyone and if she took just a moment to look at her face, she would know her smile was fake and her eyes were full of pain and regret. If she stopped for just a minute and listened to her words, she would have known they were laced with sarcasm and angst. But she didn't do that, she was Callie, she took everything at face value and pushed forward, never stopping to analyze anything, never taking a moment to just breathe, forever charging ahead. She had no idea what her ex-wife would do with her emotional word vomit, but figured she'd just gloss over it, let it go and pretend it didn't happen. It was clear it didn't matter; she didn't matter.
Shaking her head to try to clear it, Arizona checked her schedule, decided she wasn't in the proper emotional state to practice medicine today and cancelled her last two consults. She sent a text to Bailey telling her she was going home, then packed up her belongings and left the office, deciding to go through the ER to say goodnight to her daughter first. Letting out a sigh of frustration over the fact that she couldn't just pick her up and take her home, Arizona turned off the light and left her office choosing to take the stairs so she didn't run into anyone…more specifically, her ex-wife or her perfect, pretty, Penny.
XXXX
Callie stood in the viewing room staring at the empty space her ex-wife just vacated and wondered for a brief moment if that really just happened. If it did, it was the most honest, the most real they'd been with each other since before their divorce even. In one breathless rant from both sides, Callie said things she didn't know she was feeling and asked questions she didn't know she had. It was like she opened her mouth and her subconscious thoughts, feelings she'd ignored for years, just took over and flew out without her permission. She rubbed her hand down her face and couldn't even try to make sense of Arizona's words. She was brutally honest about cheating, something she'd never admitted before. But more than that, to her, it sounded like her ex carried the weight of all the blame on her shoulders, she blamed herself and herself alone for their downfall. If that wasn't enough, she just…did she…did Arizona not want this? Could she still have feelings after everything? After all this time? Callie leaned her head against the door, she was starting to feel physically ill. She had no idea what to do with any of this.
Before she could give it anymore thought, she heard a knock on the door and opened it to find her resident, Dr. Edwards on the other side exclaiming, "Dr. Torres come quick, Ashley coded." Callie ran out of the room following the young surgeon to the O.R. When she arrived, she was already flustered then realized that the patient was coding because of something she did. After Owen told her he had it under control, she started regretting her earlier decision and claimed, "I pushed, I shouldn't have pushed." Half of her wondered exactly which scenario in her life she was talking about, the patient, not letting Arizona leave that x-ray room the first time, dating so soon, leaving her wife in the first place…she internally scoffed at herself at the list of instances in which she just jumped in with both feet. "Torres, Torres, stop! You did what you had to do. You made a call." Owen tried to calm her while still trying to help the patient. Callie shook her head and muttered, "The wrong one apparently," and again wondered exactly which decision she was regretting the most.
Her mind still jumbled from everything that happened today, starting from the moment she woke up to an empty bed, realizing she probably made her girlfriend feel like shit and wondering how to fix it, to now when she stepped out of the O.R. looking at her phone, trying to decide if she should ask Arizona to meet with her, and found her girlfriend waiting for her against the wall. Instead of greeting her like she normally would, the young resident handed her a tablet without even turning around, started walking, and declared coolly, "Here you go, Sofia's chart, all clear." Callie could tell by the other woman's tone she was in trouble, took the chart and replied, "Thank you." Penny really didn't even want to look at the other woman right now and continued in a snarky tone, "Don't worry, I didn't discharge her myself. I had Bailey do it. The chief says she's good, she must be good." Callie cringed at the tone and tried to explain remorsefully, "Look, Penny I'm sorry, I should not have lied to you…" She was cut off when the red head turned to look at her and interjected, "If we are not in the same place, if you are not ready to be where I am, that is fine. You can tell me and I will listen. If you are not ready for me to meet Sofia, great, that is your decision. But making me feel like crap about trying to help…lying to me, that is not okay." Callie stood and watched yet another woman storm away from her today.
Callie spent the rest of the afternoon charting, seeing patients, and dodging the two women she had pissed off beyond belief today. Yet she found she was only going through the motions. She couldn't get her conversation with Arizona out of her head. She would close her eyes and see the defeated posture when she leaned against the door after hearing her blurt out that Penny said she loved her. She wondered for the first time, if their roles were reversed, if Arizona was dating, would she be able to be as close-lipped and cordial about it? Would she be able to put on a smile, be nice to the other person, and watch them interact day in and day out, listening to Arizona talk about another woman and how happy she was? Would she be able to say she was the one who walked out so she had no say? Sighing in frustration, she went into an empty patient room and tried to figure out where all of this was coming from. She'd worked so hard at putting her feelings for Arizona in a nice little box and tucking them away. Her ex-wife's actions made it easier to keep that box closed, to keep it hidden. Now, after learning it was all a façade, two years of acting like everything was okay, Callie was starting to wonder if she wanted to keep that box closed. She was honestly wondering if she could.
She had no idea what to do. On one hand she had sweet, lovable, easy-going, patient Penny. Today was one of the only times she'd even seen her upset and if this was Penny angry, it was a far cry from anything she'd ever experienced. Even Arizona seemed angrier that Callie lied to Penny than the woman herself. Fiery, passionate, compassionate, challenging, mysterious Arizona. The two women had such contrasting personalities, but isn't that what she wanted? Didn't she want something easy for once? Someone who was easy going and amicable, someone she didn't have to battle at every turn. Maybe she just needed more time to get to know Penny. She was sure she could fall in love with her. Or would she just be falling in love with being in love? Could she love anyone after Arizona? Why did her heart race and her palms sweat and her body tingle while she and Arizona were arguing earlier, but she felt nothing but sympathy for the young woman who was yelling at her just now? Was simple always better? Looking up, she saw they were bringing Ashley into this room and stood up to help them move her to the bed.
After checking the young woman's vitals, Callie noticed the very tall, very large man standing in the doorway. She chuckled internally at the reason the patient was here in the first place. She was tiny and athletic and he was just gigantic and thought sex with him would be like climbing Mt. Everest. Exhilarating, scary, challenging. She stayed out of the way but couldn't help but listen as her patient basically told the young man she never wanted to see him again. As Callie finished with her chart, Ashley's words rang through her mind, "No one needs to climb Everest twice." Taking a deep breath, she wondered if she should just stay the course, realize she'd been to the mountain top, she'd had her passionate, exhilarating, amazing experience, but maybe she doesn't need to go back. Leaving the room, still lost in thought, she went to the nurses' desk and ran into her chief and friend, Miranda Bailey.
Bailey looked up and greeted, "Oh, hey, Sofia's more than okay, thanks to some astronaut stickers and some strawberry Jell-O." Callie looked to her friend and decided if anyone could help her figure things out, it was her. Cutting to the chase, she asked, "When did you know that little Tuck was ready to meet Ben?" Miranda turned to her friend, surprised by the question. She knew why she was asking but was slightly surprised by her friend's demeanor. This wasn't like Callie, if Callie wanted to do something, she would have already done it. So she figured there must be more behind it than just the matter of Sofia being ready. She wondered if Callie was starting to realize that she wasn't ready or maybe she didn't want to be. Looking up she answered, "Oh, well Tuck was too young to tie his own shoes, so I wasn't gonna get any answers from him. What I cared about was, was I ready." Callie sighed, put her head down and tried to figure out if she really was ready. As was her habit, Callie spoke on impulse and replied, "See I'm ready. I was ready the day I met her but I'm always ready too early. I got married too early…I…" She had to stop herself when she realized she was about to say she got divorced too early, then continued, "I, it was one thing when it was…ahhhh…about me, but now…" Bailey looked at the ortho surgeon, seriously studied her face and could tell something else was bothering her. She knew something must have happened today because Robbins left early, Blake was acting odd and hunted her down to discharge Sofia, and now Torres was asking these questions. She wondered if her thick-headed friend was finally seeing what has been right in front of her.
Cutting her off, Miranda offered, "Ya know, see…okay, when you see Sofia kick a ball across a room and you start to daydream about twenty years from now when Sofia scores the winning goal at the Women's World Cup Final and the whole stadium is chanting her name, Torres, Torres, it's all in slow motion and you're in the stands screaming and crying…" Callie laughed and interjected, "Yes, yes, you do that too?" Miranda looked her friend in the eye and asked the question she hoped Callie would allow herself to see the honest answer to, "So, the question is who do you want screaming, cheering, beside you?" Seeing the look in the other woman's eyes, Miranda knew she asked the right question at the right time and walked away hoping like hell her chief of ortho acted on it.
Callie stood at the nurses' station staring into the future, she watched as her daughter made the winning goal, jumped up and started screaming and clapping, yelling her daughter's name. She looked to the person next to her an only saw the faces of strangers. Looking down a couple rows, she saw that unmistakable head of golden blonde curls that barely covered the name Torres on the back of one of Sofia's old jerseys and when her ex-wife turned around to find her in the crowd, looking into those cerulean blue eyes, she realized who she wanted standing beside her. She didn't want the next twenty years to consist of them sitting on opposite sides of the auditorium for presentations, concerts, awards ceremonies and graduation, making separate appointments for parent conferences, deciding who was taking their daughter to the doctor or dentist, one of them sitting home alone worried to death after she got hurt because it was the other person's night to have her. Putting her hand over her mouth, she gasped out, "It's Arizona!"
Deciding she'd had enough for the day, Callie went to the lounge, gathered her things and started for the pit to pick up Sofia. Once she arrived at her daughter's bedside, she found her all dressed and ready to go, eating a chocolate pudding cup. She chuckled, knowing exactly where it came from because Arizona always kept a stash in her office for her 'super special patients', none of them aware that they were all special to her. Looking up at her mama, Sofia asked, "Is it time to go?" Callie nodded and replied, "It sure is big girl. I was going to ask if you wanted to stop and pick up a pizza, but it looks like you've already had dessert." Callie bit back her laughter when she watched a little tongue dart out and lick all of the chocolate off her lips then saw her daughter's bottom lip poke out as she replied, "Mommy brought it to me earlier when she went home. She said to save it for dessert, but I got hungry." Callie furrowed her brow and asked, "Mommy already went home?" Sofia nodded her head and replied, "She looked like she'd been crying, she said she had a rough day, so she needed to go home. Will she be okay mama?" Callie felt the words like a knife to her heart and replied, "I'm sure mommy will be fine sweetie. Let's grab that pizza and you can call her and tell her you are home safe and maybe that will cheer her up." Sofia nodded her head, hopped off the bed and took her mama's hand. Callie was tempted to offer to take her daughter to see her other mother but figured that would probably be a horrible idea after everything that happened today. She knew she had some decisions to make and needed some time to think before she did anything.
A/N: Thank you all for the great reviews. I will try to keep writing both stories simultaneously, but if this one doesn't update as quickly, please don't be discouraged and hang in there with me. Obviously from this point, we are entering the AU/off canon realm.
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