Class Meets Stupidity: A Gwen and Theresa Tale
by: Amisha N. Smith

Well, I'm having a blast! Here's part two of my most recent fanfic! Of course, as expected, I got mixed responses from my first chapter. Some liked it, some didn't. Oh well, at least the people who didn't like it didn't express their opinions with juvenile profanity and idiocy. And for that, I thank them. Of course, I'm still gonna continue making my story expressing what a complete dumbass Theresa is and how annoying it can get to someone with class and intelligence, like Gwen. Hey, it's in our faces every weekday on NBC, so we might as well make fun of it, right? And now, let's do this!

Part 2

There. Over there, Theresa."

"Over where? I don't see it."

"I said over there, you idiot. Geez, why the hell didn't I just drive?"

Gwen gritted her teeth in sheer irritation as Theresa did yet another U-turn in the van and start heading back the other way. Their destination was a huge blue mansion sitting behind a massive front yard that had a stone cherub decorated fountain out front. It was extremely distinguishable from the other houses and kind of hard for somebody who wasn't either blind or impressively stupid to miss. Which was why Gwen wasn't the least bit surprised when, with Theresa behind the wheel, they managed to pass by it three times.

Theresa parked the van at the curb and looked up at the house. She was clearly impressed. "Hey, nice digs", Theresa said with a whistle. "Of course, my mansion is a lot bigger."

Gwen rolled her eyes. Don't you mean Alastair's mansion, you gold-digging live-in prostitute? she thought. But as much as she'd have liked to say that out loud, she kept it to herself. The last thing she wanted at this point was to get into another 1upsman argument with Theresa. She began unbuckling her seat belt.

"That's the sort of house I plan to live in with Ethan one day", Theresa said with a smug look at Gwen, unable to resist getting some digs in. "Well, after we get rid of you, of course."

Gwen's blood pressure began to rise again as her anger and hatred against Theresa returned. Screw being civil. This whore was asking for it. Gwen turned to Theresa with a sarcastic snigger. "You and Ethan, eh?", she said. "Funny, once again you completely failed to mention your son in your plans for your future. Oh, I forgot! You don't give a damn about Little Ethan. My bad."

Gwen had the pleasure of seeing Theresa's smug grin fall and her face begin turning red.

"Watch it, Gwen", Theresa warned. "You don't know anything about me and you certainly don't know anything about my son."

"Well apparently, neither do you", Gwen replied with a shrug. "Heck, with as little time as you spend with the poor kid, I'm surprised you even remember his name. Hm, it's a good thing I was able to rescue Jane from a life like that. At least she has a mother."

"I am Jane's mother, Gwen. And I always will be", Theresa snapped angrily. "Jane is my daughter. I gave birth to her."

"Oh please, Theresa", Gwen said as she rolled her eyes again. She was having fun watching Theresa's blood boil for a change. "Your role as a mother to either child ended the moment you squeezed them out from between your legs. And I believe Little Ethan can testify to that. I am Jane's mother in every way that really matters. You, Theresa, aren't fit to raise the hairs on a baboon's ass, let alone children. And everyone knows it, including Ethan. That's why he wanted me raising Jane and you as far away from her as possible. This, other than choosing me over you, is the best move he ever made. But look on the bright side, Theresa. You too are married to your soul mate, just like me. And I know you're missing your huggy bear Alastair just as much as I'm missing Ethan. So whatd'ya say we get this job done and this stupid work program over with so I can go back to having sex with my husband and you can go back to being raped by yours?"

With that, Gwen grabbed a tablet out of the pocket on the passenger's seat and got out of the van, slamming the door behind her. As she walked up to the house, she could practically feel Theresa's gaze of hatred burning a hole in her skull. She smiled to herself. Maybe this experience won't be as intolerable as she though. Poor Theresa. She can never stomach the bile she dished out, Gwen thought with a wicked smile. She approached the door and rang the doorbell. A few seconds later the door opened and a fat woman wearing an expensive looking red dress and enough jewelry on her neck to be considered a walking Tiffany's store appeared in the doorway.

"Oh, thank goodness!", the woman said in a prissy voice. "You're finally here! Hmph, it's about time! I was hoping you'd get here before I had to go pick my precious Fee Fee up from the vet! What took you so long?"

There was a retard behind the wheel of the van, that's what, Gwen thought. But instead of saying that, she merely held her hand out to the woman. "Ms. Drover, I presume?", she said politely. "I'm sorry it took so long. Please except my apologies. You called us about a bat problem?"

"Yes! A terrible bat problem!", Ms. Drover cried, suddenly turning white. "A whole slew of the demons! Living up in my attic, of all places! Oh please, get rid of them! I just can't bring my Fee Fee home to a house full of bats!" The woman then looked past Gwen to Theresa, who was just walking up the walkway to the door. "Oh, you've brought a friend? Good, the more people working on this, the better."

Gwen shuddered and had to force back her previously digested food that was creeping its way up her throat upon hearing this woman refer to Theresa as her 'friend'. "Please… don't ever call… her that again", Gwen said weakly. "My name is Gwen, and that girl is my assistant Theresa. We're just here to rid you of your pest problem."

"I heard that, Gwen", Theresa said hotly as she reached the doorway. "I am not your assi…"

"Please show us to your attic", Gwen said to Ms. Drover, deliberately cutting Theresa off and ignoring her.

"Ah, yes. Right this way", Ms. Drover replied as she began walking towards her huge main hallway. Gwen and Theresa followed, Gwen ignoring Theresa and Theresa glaring at Gwen with pure hatred. When they got to the middle of the hallway Ms. Drover reached up and pulled on a hanging chain, pulling down a section of the ceiling and revealing some stairs leading up to the attic. Gwen strained her ears and peered into the darkness above. She could faintly hear high-pitched screechings.

"D-do you hear that?", Ms. Drover said fearfully. "It's them."

"Not to worry, Ms. Drover", Gwen reassured her. "We'll have the problem taken care of soon. By the way, are you planning to return home immediately?"

"Well, I was going to take Fee Fee to the park to run a little", Ms. Drover replied. "Why do you ask?"

"Because we're going to be releasing a gas in the attic, and I feel it would be much safer for you and your pet if you remained out of the house for at least the next five hours", Gwen said.

"Oh, I see. You're going to gas the little beasts", Ms. Drover exclaimed gleefully. "Well go ahead. By all means, kill the little winged spawns of Satan. Fee Fee and I will just go take in a movie or two after we leave the park. Good luck!" With that, Ms. Drover walked past both of them towards the front door. Gwen saw no need in telling her that the gas wasn't really meant to kill the bats, but put them asleep. The thought of the bats dying by gas seemed to cheer her up so much; Gwen just didn't have the heart. After she heard the front door close, Gwen turned and slowly walked up the stairs into the attic. She very gently reached up and pulled the chain that turned on the light above her. Her blood seemed to grow cold as she saw the seemingly hundreds of bats that were hanging from the ceiling. Their eyes were closed; they were obviously sleeping. She turned the light back off and turned around to leave and bumped right into Theresa who had come up behind her.

"Theresa! Would you move the hell out of my way?", Gwen snapped.

"Well why don't you watch where the hell you're going?", Theresa snapped back. She pushed past Gwen and started to look around. "Where's the light?", she asked loudly.

"It's right above you, Theresa", Gwen answered in a soft voice. "By the way genius, you think maybe you can refrain from talking loudly around a colony of sleeping bats? Common sense says that doing so is a bad thing."

"Shut up, Gwen", Theresa sneered as she reached up and grabbed the chain on the light switch. She pulled on it, hard, and was knocked on her head by the light bulb and socket that she'd just ripped out of the ceiling of the attic.

Gwen just sighed and shook her head. "Theresa, you are the epitome of stupidity", she said. She then turned around and started walking down the stairs of the attic. Theresa followed.

"Where do you think you're going?", Theresa asked. "What are you, heading off for a coffee break? We're supposed to get rid of the bats. Or have you already forgotten? Geez, and you have the nerve to call me stupid?"

Gwen turned around and glared at Theresa. "Yes, Theresa. I have the nerve to call you stupid. Because you have the nerve to suggest that I should just go back into the attic with you and somehow we should catch all the bats with our bare hands and put them into cages without first going to the van and fetching the gas that we're supposed to use to put them to sleep with. Jackass." Gwen turned her heel and went out to the van to fetch the gas cans, nets, and gas masks. Already Theresa had gotten on her last nerve.

Gwen sat on the couch with her arms folded and watched Ms. Drover's big screened television and waited patiently for the moment when she and Theresa were to go up to the attic and scoop up all the sleeping bats. It had been about an hour since they first released the gas in the attic, meaning that it was almost that time. Theresa sat in the lounge chair across from her, nodding off. Gwen wished the bitch was nodding off while sitting on the edge of a ten story building. Theresa had caused her so much pain. She just wished Theresa would die. Gwen got up, stretched her arms, and walked over and kicked Theresa's chair, bringing her back to her senses.

"Get up, you idiot", Gwen growled. "It's time to get the bats out of here." That being said, she dropped a gas mask onto Theresa's lap before turning and heading back down the hallway. Gwen put on her mask and was about to head up the stairs when Theresa grabbed her arm.

"Hold it, Gwen", Theresa said in a steely voice. "I'm not stupid, you know."

Gwen shrugged off Theresa's vile touch and turned and glared at her. "What? Just what the hell are you talking about now?", Gwen asked, irritated.

"Puh-lease, Gwen. I know what you're up to", Theresa replied, holding up her gas mask. "You sabotaged this mask, didn't you? So I would go up into the attic and suffocate from all that gas, and you would be free to have Ethan all to yourself."

Gwen couldn't believe what she was hearing. Murder and sabotage was more of Theresa's game, and yet here Theresa was, accusing her of attempting that very thing? Gwen hadn't been this amazed since the day she caught Theresa naked in a garage with her husband and Theresa had the nerve, and sheer stupidity, to call her a whore. Gwen just shook her head and continued to go up the stairs to the attic.

"You know what, Theresa? You're absolutely right", Gwen said in a cold voice. "I just might have sabotaged that mask. So maybe, just in case, it might be wiser if you just didn't put it on at all."

"Oh, believe me, I'm not", Theresa snapped as she tossed her mask aside and followed Gwen up the stairs. "Really Gwennie, when will you realize that I'm smarter than you?"

Gwen stood in the attic and just stared at her gas maskless rival doubled over and coughing and hacking her lungs out, completely flabbergasted and even slightly alarmed by the advanced level of Theresa's stupidity. She had always thought that Theresa was a few fries shy of a Happy Meal, but now she was quite certain that Theresa was almost all of the fries, a whole hamburger, and half a toy shy of a Happy Meal. Seriously, at this point there was just no way of denying how severely retarded Theresa was. It was almost as if Theresa's stupidity had mutated into a living separate symbiotic being and was eating what little brain Theresa had left.

"What… cough… the hell are… cough… you waiting for?", Theresa snapped at Gwen. "Let's… cough… get to work, already."

Gwen looked at Theresa for another few seconds, almost feeling sorry for her. Maybe I shouldn't have kicked her in her head so hard earlier, she thought to herself. She then just shook her head and reached up to turn on the light. When she couldn't find the pull-chain, Gwen was reminded of Theresa's earlier stupidity.

"I'll have to go back to the van and get us some flashlights, since one of us completely destroyed the light fixture earlier", Gwen told Theresa.

"What? Forget it. That will… cough… take too much time", Theresa replied. She began looking around the attic. "Now let's see… I know I… cough… saw it in here some… cough… where… Ah, there it… cough… is!" Theresa walked over to a corner and picked up an old looking oil lamp. "Look, it still has oil in it!", Theresa said. "And I have a match… cough… in my pocket. All we have to do is light the oil in this lamp and… cough… voila! Instant light! I'm such a… cough… genius."

Gwen looked at Theresa, again almost floored by her idiocy. "Okay, Theresa?", Gwen began to talk slowly. "I want you to drop everything else and pick up your tiny brain, dust it off, and use it to process what I'm about to say, m'kay? Now, we both know that this attic is filled with gas, right? That being said, what do you think will happen it you strike a match in here?" The blank look on Theresa's face almost made Gwen want to strangle her. "Theresa", Gwen snapped irritably, "If you strike a match in here, there's a good chance you'll blow us all to kingdom come. So don't do it, alright? Just stand there and make the bats look smart while I go get the flashlights." That said, Gwen left the attic and walked out the front door of the house, muttering to herself. "That girl gives stupid people a bad name", Gwen grumbled.

Theresa watched Gwen walk out, enraged that the dumb blonde should have the nerve to try and tell her what to do. "I don't take orders…cough… from anyone. Especially that self-absorbed bitch." Theresa took the match out of her pocket and opened up the oil chamber in the oil lamp. She started striking the match, trying over and over to light it…

Gwen walked up to the van and reached in and picked up two flashlights. She then turned around and, instead of going back into the house, simply leaned against the van and folded her arms, waiting. If she knew Theresa as well as she thought she did, she knew that any moment she was about to be treated to a spectacular sight, as well as a marvelous testament to Theresa's dipshittedness. She casually checked her watch.

"Okay, she must be having a little trouble lighting the match", Gwen said to herself. "Of course, she's pretty stubborn and stupid, so she'll obviously continue trying to light it. Which means it should happen in 7…

…6…

…5…

…4…

…3…

…2…

…1…

At that instant, a spectacular explosion suddenly ignited from the top of Ms. Drover's house, seemingly setting the entire top floor of it ablaze. Gwen sighed and immediately speed-dialed 911 on her cell phone. At that instant Theresa suddenly ran out of the house, screaming and beating the top of her head, which was on fire. Behind her followed the entire colony of bats, hundreds of them screeching and flying through the air, many of them also on fire.

"Hello? 911 Emergency?", the operator said.

"Um, yeah. Could you please send some fire trucks and an ambulance to 4639 Cobble Road? My assistant on my job just blew up a house and set herself on fire. Thank you." She then hung up and just stared at the situation. Theresa, desperate to put out the fire on top of her head, ran over to a wheelbarrow filled with fertilizer and began burying her head in it, trying to smother the fire. Gwen then observed the bats, who had found an alternative to putting out their fires. One by one, the bats that were on fire began dive-bombing into the huge fountain that was in front of the house, efficiently putting out their fire and cooling themselves off.

And then there was Theresa. Putting out her fire.

By burying her head in shit.

Gwen sighed and began to rub the temples of her nose. She supposed she shouldn't really be surprised that Theresa didn't even have the intelligence of a fucking bat, but still, it didn't make the reality any less tragic. By now the neighbors had come outside to see what was going on and she could hear the sirens of the approaching fire trucks and ambulances. Gwen smirked and shook her head. This was going to be a trip to explain to Ms. Drover. Finally three fire trucks and two ambulances pulled up at the house and about five firemen with a huge hose jumped out. They immediately attached the hose to a fire hydrant and began to spray the top floor of the house. Three rescue workers ran over to Theresa and pulled her head out of the pile of horse shit and wrapped a blanket around her and began escorting her to an ambulance. One of the women that was escorting her ran over to Gwen.

"Are you the one who dialed 911?", the woman asked her.

"Yes, I am", Gwen replied.

"Okay, your partner is pretty shook up, so I'm going to have to ask you all of the questions", the rescue worker stated.

"Sure", Gwen replied calmly.

The rescue worker then looked over at the fountain (which was now bat-free because the bats had by then put out there fires and flown away), then looked over at the fertilizer-filled wheelbarrow, then back at the fountain and scratched her head, as if confused about something. Finally she just came on out and said what was on her mind. "Um… the lady over there told us that she was dipping her head in the wheelbarrow to put out her head-fire", the rescue worker told Gwen. "Uh… I was just wondering…"

"Why she didn't just dip her head into the fountain and pot out her fire?", Gwen finished for her. The rescue worker nodded her head and Gwen shrugged. "Pretty much the same reason she lit a match in an attic filled with gas", she said. "Because she's a fucking idiot."