Aren't We All Just As Desperate To Live Too?
When a doctor and nurse came to check her in morning, Na Ri asked the nurse if it were snowing outside because she didn't want to ask if the heaters were working. Thats when the doctor told her.
"The central nervous system of your brain has been damaged in such an area that deals with taste perception." The middle aged doctor informed her. "And because the area of the brain that deals with tasting abilities is directly over the part which deals with body temprature, the injury to your head had a slight affect on it too. This injury has caused a loss of sense of taste and a sensitivity to cold in your brain. You will also experience a loss of appetite at times."
Now it made sense why the soup had been so tastless.
"Does it have a cure?" Na Ri asked.
The doctor nodded, "The taste disability does, the sensitivity to cold doesn't. A surgery might help. However, your head needs to recover from the previous surgery you had 2 weeks ago, then any new one can be procedured."
The fact that she had been here for two weeks did surprise her, but her attention was more focused on the word surgery.
"Is there no medicine that can cure it without surgery?" Na Ri asked uneasily.
The doctor shook his head, "No, there isn't. Sugery is the only cure, but its a harmless surgery."
Nonetheless, Na Ri didn't wanted to go under the knife again. What if she wouldn't make it alive after that? She would bear with a tastless life. It couldn't be that bad.
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It was very bad.
She had quickly realised in her next few days. She was only being given corn soup, and gulping them down seemed the hardest task to her, next to sitting or laying in bed all day. Her mouth opened with difficulty, and the soup left a weird metallic taste in her mouth as soon as she swallowed a spoonful down.
The next 4 weeks had been the most depressing and tormenting time of Na Ri's life. Such that Na Ri knew she would remember and loath forever. She cried herself to sleep, removing tears with the tips of her fingers or with the blanket before they fell on her bandages. Sometimes a tear or two would slip down her eyes and she would cry more in frustration. Her plastered leg itched and irritated her whenever she tried to sleep. She couldn't even toss or turn. Her nightmares were plagued by sometimes a car hitting her, sometimes a truck hurtling at her, and sometimes she would see the dead open eyes of him lying on the bathroom floor with a girl and another man's body.
Laying in bed all day made her incredibly restless. She was an active person. She wanted to jump off the bed, stretch and jog outside, but her body obviously didn't allow her. She had wondered did her mother felt this way too? And had felt even more depressed. She missed her Eomma terribly.
Though tv comforted her a little, but not much. A feeling of guilt had settled itself in her core that kept ringing her up every now and then. And she kept telling herself that she was only trying to live. Even now.
Mr Seo had not visited her again, contrary to what he had said. But the sleek haired woman --whose name she learned was Kim Eun Rin-- had been in and out of her room often, though she rarely engaged in conversation with Na Ri. Even if Na Ri tried talking to her, her answers would be curt.
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The restlessness, the loneliness, combined with the feelings of self accusation coiled themselves around Na Ri, suffocating her inch by inch.
Her bandages were opened in the presence of Kim Eun Rin. The bandages on her head had been removed a week ago. The doctor and Kim Eun Rin leaned closer, studying her face. They both possessed a picture of Cha Ji Ah which Na Ri had not seen.
When they were satisfied, they leaned back and Na Ri was handed a mirror. With a thumping heart, Na Ri glanced into it, but looked away quickly after catching a glimpse of someone else's face. The doctor encouraged her to look in the mirror.
Na Ri slowly turned back to the mirror and the first thing she noticed was that the girl was very pretty. A small sharp nose, full lips, a symmetrical jaw, round forhead and sharp cheek bones. The only familiar feature was her round doe eyes. They blinked back at her comfortingly, and looked the same as the last time she had seen them in a mirror. Red rimmed, but with a promotion of dark circles.
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Things got better when her plaster was finally removed. Na Ri was allowed short walks in the hospital garden. Wrapped in a shawl, she limped through the garden with the help of a cane. The cold, she realised, was worse outside. A shawl wasn't enough to make it go away completely, but the refreshing breeze and sunlight were worth enduring it.
While sitting on a bench in the garden, Na Ri would often wonder why Mr Seo had not visited her again. Then remember that he was a rich businessman; a conglomerate, he had said. He didn't have that much of time to keep visiting her. It was not like she was his real niece.
Na Ri's leg had healed a lot and she was returning from a walk in the garden without a cane. When she entered the room, a short haired woman was sitting in the sofa with her back turned to Na Ri.
"Hello..?" Na Ri greeted reluctantly.
The woman stood up, turned around and went rigid at once.
The 60 something woman stared at Na Ri with shaking eyes. Na Ri was alarmed when her eyes welled up with tears.
"Who are you?" Na Ri asked cautiously.
The woman swallowed visibly, looking away and sniffing once, removing the tears from her eyes with the tips of her finger. She cleared her throat and her eyes hardened.
Her voice was stern when she spoke, "I am Cha Ji Ah's Halmeoni."
Na Ri opened her mouth in a, "Ohh."
Seo Dae Hee. Na Ri remembered she was the owner of some conglomerate company. She was dressed as such too. A pencil skirt with a fashionable overcoat and a designer bag hanging on her arms.
"Please, sit Halmeonim." Na Ri said awkwardly, but politely.
Na Ri was taken aback when her eyes flashed with an unexpected anger.
"How dare you call me Halmeonim with what you have done?" She seethed.
Na Ri felt as though she had been slapt in the face.
"I did not come to sit. I came to ask you something."
Na Ri directed her gaze downward on the pale white floor, her throat tightening.
"Did you jump in front of Cha Ji Ah's car?" She voiced her question, "Did you intend to commit suicide?"
Na Ri's eyes snapped up immediately. "No!"
"Then how did you end up in front of Ji Ah's car?!" Seo Dae Hee's voice rose and tears swam in her eyes again.
Na Ri cringed.
"I.. I was injured. I couldn't see well." She stammered quietly with tears burning behind her eyes.
"What? Injured?" Seo Dae Hee raised her eyebrows in scorn and disbelief. "Why would you be on the road then? Why would you try to cross a road recklessly when you couldn't see well?!"
Na Ri's vision clouded with tears and she bit her quivering bottom lip.
"You jumped in front of her car to kill yourself car because you knew you were doomed already with what you had done." Seo Dae Hee went on.
Na Ri's hand began shaking. She shook her head vigorously, tears slipping down swiftly. Did she not know what Na Ri had gone through too? She had not ended up on road because she wanted to. Na Ri sniffled and clenched her eyes shut, feeling resentful, but not saying anything.
"You should be ashamed of yourself." Seo Dae Hee spat out, "If you wanted to die you should have used some other way. You killed someone who wanted to live. We were to meet out granddaughter. We were going to see our granddaughter that day. She was supposed to live with us... She.." Breaking off, she placed a hand on her mouth.
"I am sorry. I really am." Na Ri snivelled, apologizing pathetically while looking down. She really didn't know what else to say now to console the woman in front of her.
Seo Dae Hee chuckled bitterly, curling her lip, "If you are sorry, then don't ever show your face to me again. Don't ever appear in front of me or my family. Don't ever bump into us somewhere."
Na Ri raised her head at that and another tear rolled down her cheek. She had always hated looking anyone in their eyes with tears in her own.
Something about her wet eyes must have panged her for Seo Dae Hee grimaced upon making eye contact with Na Ri and averted her gaze away from her face.
"I wanted to slap you when I came here. But I can't even look you in the face and curse you." She said quietly, her glossy eyes fixed on the watercooler to her right.
The door behind Na Ri opened suddenly and someone stepped in. She didn't turn around to see.
"Eomeoni." Mr Seo's concerned came from behind Na Ri.
After wiping her cheeks, Seo Dae Hee threw an unmistakably cold glare in Mr Seo's direction and strode out of the room, her long earrings dancing with each her step.
Na Ri tried holding it in. She moved to the hospital bed and and slumped down on it, tiredly. However all her resolve broke down when Mr. Seo stepped forward and asked her "Are you alright?"
A choking noise emitted from Na Ri's throat and in the next moment, the hospital room was echoing with her loud sobs. Her body shook, as she hid her face in her hands. She had defended herself, reasoned with herself, used all explanations into not feeling guilty in the agonisingly tormenting weeks she had spend at the hospital. Only Na Ri knew the state of her mind both at the time of the accident and in the time she had spent laying in bed in the last 5 weeks. Then why was she suddenly feeling guilty? Why was she wondering whether living was really worth it at this point? Maybe she had been too desperate to live. But then who was not?
Although this was not how Na Ri had wanted to live when she had come to Seoul. She had come to Seoul with many dreams to fulfill, many goals to achieve. They didnt excite her as much now as they had done then. The hope that twirled inside her then, had now been replaced by a heartache. This heartache was going to kill her, she thought despairingly. And if it didn't, then she might.
Nam Gil had some idea as to what conversation took place here. He had been in a meeting when he was informed about his mother's sudden visit to Hae Na Ri. They say time heals all wounds, but Seo family's wounds were still as fresh as the day Ji Ah had died. Father and Mother still blamed Hae Na Ri for supposedly killing Ji Ah. But Nam Gil knew it was nothing but their brimming guilt and self loathing which was causing them to act this way. They had also stopped giving Nam Gil a cold shoulder, but their feelings toward Hae Na Ri had not improved in the least.
Nam Gil frowened at Na Ri. The girl was crying her eyes out and Nam Gil was achingly reminded of Cha Ji Ah. How she had cried her eyes out on his shoulder in America after Soon Joong unnie and her husband had passed away. He didn't intend to lend his shoulder to Na Ri ofcourse, but he wanted to do something and not just stand there idly.
After a few more moments of consideration, Nam Gil moved forward and settled himself beside a hiccuping Na Ri, hunched over her hands.
"None of it is your fault." He said gently, yet firmly.
She tensed beside him. Sniffling, Na Ri removed her hands from her face and narrowed her eyes at him as if he were lying to her --which he was doing; the girl had been foolish in many places, the rest were just unfortunate coincidences, though he was not going to tell her that.
"My Eomeoni and Abeoji had disowned their daughter 18 years ago when she fell in love with a middle class man." Nam Gil started. He thought, if Na Ri knew this, perhaps she wouldn't feel as bad. "She had lived in America, away from their eyes after that, till she died. Her daughter Cha Ji Ah, looked strikingly similar to her mother."
Na Ri straightened her back a little, listening to Nam Gil more eagerly.
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Would you feel guilty if you were in Na Ri's place?
~Fawns