You know, sometimes when you're writing something and it goes in a direction you didn't intend at all

Yeah

Several minutes passed since Eris disappeared, after our rather unexpectedly tense conversation. I walked out of the alley, surprised to see my party spread out in the middle of the road, looking around intently. There was the faint glow of an active spell coming from Yunyun, as Aqua's eyes found mine and she strode up to me.

"What was that?" The goddess demanded.

"What was what?"

"That–that thing that just happened!" She explained helpfully. The rest of my party surrounded me, Darkness and Yunyun occasionally glancing over their shoulders. I turned to the one person I knew would give me a coherent answer.

"Megumin," the mage glanced at me, looking slightly bored. "Why are you guys out here? And was that a detection spell?" I pointed to Yunyun, who nodded, before I gave my full attention to Megumin.

"Aqua said she felt a surge of divine energy outside… Enough to do some 'irreparable damage', she said," the brunette explained.

Umm… What.

I avoided the cobalt eyes that were drilling into me. "Well… I had an argument with Eris, and she got a little angry."

Aqua paled, her skin turning white as a sheet of paper.

"Kazuma…"

"Yes, it is I."

The goddess gulped audibly, looking like she was on the verge of retching.

"Are you alright, miss Aqua?" The more developed of the two Crimson Demons asked. My partner shook her head, finally getting herself together enough to talk.

"...Y-you need to be careful, Kazuma. E-Eris is probably the only person down here that could keep me from resurrecting you."

"She wouldn't do that, Aqua." I stepped closer, her light-blue hair framing my vision. "Yeah she got upset, but only because she cares." I inclined my head, trying to convey my thoughts, but the goddess just looked lost.

I sighed. "She cares about you, Aqua. A lot. We disagreed about how to… Help you. But she would never do anything to intentionally hurt myself or you. Trust me."

Her eyes were watery as she listened to me, before she nodded and wiped her face on her sleeves.

Darkness suddenly stepped forward with an alarmingly serious expression. "Wait… You were talking to Chris, but then you had an argument with Lady Eris…?"

Aw well, there was no catching that cat now. It shouldn't impact the two mages too much, but I couldn't say how this irksome crusader would take it. A still sniffling Aqua made her way behind my back, leaving me to face the rest of my party.

"Darkness…" I palmed my face, thinking. "Let's go back inside and sit down first. Hey Yunyun, do you know any privacy spells?"

"I do, Kazuma!" She exclaimed, bursting with enthusiasm just for the opportunity to be useful.

Yesh, if the rest of my team was like her we would have defeated the Demon King already. Following my lead, we walked back into the guildhall and sat in the corner. I gave Yunyun a nod, and she muttered a spell, pinkish light surrounding us before it faded into the background.

"Thanks Yun. It's great having a real mage around."

I ignored the red-eyed glare, facing Darkness as she looked intently at me.

"Do you want to have this conversation between all of us, or do you want them to leave?" I asked. The blonde turned side to side, clearly not wanting to answer.

"There's no avoiding it, Darkness." I stretched my hands out onto the table, palms down.

"They can stay…" She muttered.

Alright; here we go.

"First: the thief you know as Chris, is the goddess Eris in disguise."

The crusader slumped at the confirmation. The two Crimson Demons looked at me, and then at Aqua, who was looking away as if there was something incredibly interesting that had her attention elsewhere.

"Aqua…"

She sighed, rubbing her arms together under the table. "Kazuma is right."

"Of course I am. It's understandable that you would be surprised, Darkness. Afterall, Eris pads her chest, so it's hard to tell they're the same person."

Aqua gave me a look that was brimming with pride and something else. Megumin cocked her head at me, one eyebrow raised, conveying something that I couldn't pick up on.

"I see…" Darkness finally responded, laying her hands on the table, one on top of the other as she gave me a heavy look. Yunyun looked confused.

What's with all these looks?

Anyway, on to the fun stuff.

"You know, we talked about you, Darkness." Ah, there was the blush already.

"They weren't good things–Oh for fuck's sake not like that." I barely resisted the urge to smack my forehead as the crusader started to pant like a dehydrated dog. I settled for slamming my fist on the table, the resounding thud causing everyone to jolt in their seats.

"I asked Eris to talk to you. To try to bring some sort of reason into that infuriating, perverted brain of yours."

"I–I'm sorry, Kazuma! I can't help myself! But if you keep going like this…" She was practically writhing in her chair. The rest of my party was watching her, but the only one who looked disturbed was the normal one (Yunyun).

All of the previous times she'd behaved like this were brought to the forefront of my mind. All of the annoyance, and the frustration she'd caused was brimming like a storm in my thoughts.

"This can't continue, Lalatina Dustiness Ford. I was barely tolerant before, but now that your insane masochism has fully revealed itself…" I trailed off, clenching my fists as I gave her a dark look.

She appeared to be on the verge of shoving her hand down her pants. It was bad before, but my word it has gotten even worse now.

Ugh, how am I supposed to deal with this?! How do you punish someone for getting off on punishment?!

This was pushing me to my limit, and over.

"Darkness…" My voice crept low, causing everyone to lean in closer to me.

"If I find out–no, I will find out, so if you injure yourself in any way, for any fucking reason, I'm kicking you from this party!" I ended with a shout, slamming my fist on the table again.

The blonde reeled back as if I had slapped her. Aqua was staring at me, her mouth hanging open like a fly catcher.

I raised my fist again, about to go on a tirade, when I felt a small hand press on my arm. I looked to my side to see Megumin, her red eyes shining.

"Kazuma… Don't do this."

I turned to face her, unconsciously taking her hand in mine. "Megumin, you know she can't keep going like this. It's unbelievably unhealthy, and dangerous for everyone, not just her; not to mention a huge turn off."

The mages' cheeks pinked, but she pushed on. "Yeah, duh. But that's why we have you."

"... How the hell am I supposed to fix her? Besides turning her into a damn sex slave?"

Megumin shrugged, blushing even harder now. "I don't know Kazuma."

She turned to look at the crusader, her voice soft. "But maybe she doesn't need to be 'fixed'."

I looked back at Darkness. She was wiping at her eyes.

Another one for the list.

I groaned as I stood up, walking over to the other side of the table. The crusader looked up at me with shimmering sky-colored irises, the normal pride and dignity she pretended to carry nowhere to be found.

"I…" A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I fought with myself for a moment. "I take back what I said. I'm not going to kick you out…" I told her quietly, my face heating up as I did so.

Darkness wiped the corners of her eyes, and then… She managed to smile gently at me.

It was… It was a smile that I didn't deserve.

I bent down to wrap my arms around her. Her chest plate was cool to the touch, but the rest of her was very warm. Slowly, Perhaps out of reluctance, she returned the hug, her incredible strength pulling me even closer.

"Tell me, Darkness." I muttered into her ear. "Tell me what to do with you, because I'm out of ideas."

Someone cleared their throat.

I stood up slowly as I released the hug, meeting the blonde's hesitant eyes, so similar in color to the goddess's.

Her words were barely audible as she spoke. "K-Kazuma… You… You can hug me again…"

I shrugged. "Alright, if that's what you want."

But this time, I activated a physical stat buff, granting me increased strength at the cost of a minor amount of magicka. I'd need it, considering how heavy this crusader was.

I gave her another hug, but this time I lifted her up into the air, no doubt presenting a comical image holding our knight above the ground with my back bent.

"O-oh, Kazuma!" Her breath was hot as it flowed past my ear, her hands gripping my back.

As I spun the crusader around me, enjoying the feeling of making her embarrassed in a normal way, someone cleared their throat very loudly. There was only one person who could make such inhuman sounds.

"Frog stuck in your throat, Aqua?" I smirked.

She didn't respond.

I sighed, letting the crusader back down. She was mumbling things under her breath, grasping her skirt thing in her hands, but for once she didn't look turned on.

Well, in comparison to before.

I surveyed the rest of my party; Megumin looked jealous, while Yunyun was just smiling happily.

Someone tapped my shoulder.

"Do me next, Kazuma~."

I turned to see Aqua standing in my personal space, which was a typical thing nowadays. I was about to say something sarcastic, when her words filtered through my mind, sparking an idea.

Well… Maybe Eris was right about something.

"Darkness… Are you familiar with BDSM?"

Aqua suddenly sputtered, coughing loudly after choking on air. The two Crimson Demons tilted their heads at me in synchronization.

I cast my gaze on our divine companion. "Say Aqua… You wouldn't happen to know, would you?"
"K-Kazuma p-please don't make me answer that!"

"You do know some things about where I'm from, don't you…" I rubbed my chin thoughtfully, ignoring the look of absolute panic on the goddess's face.

"Um, Kazuma…" Darkness interjected, but I had already decided.

"Alright. I've decided."

Aqua paled, for once already knowing what I was going to say.

"Aqua, you are going to teach Darkness the noble art of BDSM. Darkness, you will learn this great and legendary skill from my… Homeland. It will help you control your sick fetish and make you a better fighter." I paused, thinking it over.

"Maybe. You two can start tonight." I smiled at Aqua. "Have fun."

She gave me an expression that simply could not be put into words.

"Don't give me that look, Aqua." I patted her shoulder, putting some extra umph in the gesture. "I have complete faith in you, my goddess." At that, her expression somehow got even… Weirder. I shrugged it off, turning to Darkness, who was looking very apprehensive after watching Aqua's reaction. "This is for your own good, Darkness. If you can learn it from Aqua, well…"

"Maybe I'll help you with it."

As if, I thought to myself, ignoring the bird-like squawk that sounded next to me. If Aqua managed to teach her, she could take care of herself. Or hell, maybe the goddess would discover a new part of herself. To be honest, I didn't even know if that sort of thing worked if you were alone, but if nothing else it would serve as a distraction for me to figure out something else.

"Oh yeah, here:'' I handed Aqua the sack of Eris that I'd brought for her gift, since she wasn't allowed to carry money. "Use this to buy whatever… Supplies you need. You can spend the rest as a reward, only after you've bought everything she'll need for her journey."

The sudden spark in her eyes almost made me swipe the bag back from her.

"I'll know if you didn't."

The spark dimmed, to a more satisfactory level.

Darkness still looked like she wanted to say something, as I could feel her gaze on me, but she kept silent. Our two arch mages seemed to be confused, which was probably for the best. Just being around the crusader was a bad enough influence as it is.

That settled, the rest of our time at the guild hall passed rather uneventfully; after a rather stressful couple of days, I decided to hold off on selecting a quest for another day. We soon found ourselves on our way home, the evening sky turning into a stew of warm hues. Outside the gate to our mansion, I stopped and turned to the person who'd been walking at my side, as the others made their way inside.

"Hey. Megumin."

The mage violently stretched out her arm, causing her cape to flutter around her.

"I am the one called: Megumin."

Alright, that wasn't necessary, but whatever. I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling suddenly sheepish.

"Thanks… For stopping me earlier." In truth, the last thing I wanted was for Darkness to leave our party. I could always rely on Megumin to say what I needed to hear in the heat of the moment.

"You're an idiot sometimes, Kazuma."

"Gee, thanks. You know, people usually say something like, 'you're welcome', or 'thank you for letting me stay in your party'?"

She smirked at me, which caught me off guard. The expression made her look mature, despite her stature.

"If I wasn't here, Yunyun wouldn't be either. We're a package deal. And besides," she flicked my chest with her finger. "I know you like having a party filled with women, you shut-in perv."

"Oh, is that so?" I reached out and pinched her cheek. "Don't get cheeky with me, arch mage."

"Hmph."

Megumin pouted at me, but didn't say anything more, so I just gave her a pat on the shoulder and went on my way.

Cute mage. If only her level of common-sense matched her intellect. Well, you can't win 'em all. At least we were going to go back to more difficult quests. Honestly, I was looking forward to it. Taking a break is nice, but I do have an overarching goal in this world beside lazing about.

And besides, I was rather tired of dealing with complicated things, like emotions and women.

Dinner that night, by some miracle, was quiet and uneventful. There was a kind of… Nervous energy exuding from both Darkness and Aqua, but they both seemed determined to see their mission through.

Later, at some point in the night, something notable did happen.

I had been asleep for some time, when a noise awoke me. I sat up, feeling as if someone were watching me out of the darkness. I quickly cast a miniature fireball, letting it fizzle out in the air above my bed.

In that speck of light, blue eyes were reflected back at me, framed in that same color of hair.

"Aqua? Why are you in'ere?" I mumbled.

"Shut up." The goddess crawled onto my bed, slipping under the covers. It might have been my imagination, but I could have sworn I heard her mutter something about an 'idiot' underneath her breath.

Well, whatever.

I laid back down, quickly lulled asleep by the sound of a snoring goddess.