Disclaimer: # rolls eyes # uh huh…… I own YGO, that's why I'm sitting here, writing this fic and making no money at all. I also don't own the lyrics to 'Understanding' by Evanescence. It's a bit of a weird song, but it's beautiful. Go download it!
A.N: Well, I'm back again! Anyways, I see that some of you are confused on the Marik, Yami Marik thing, and I'm sorry that I didn't clear this up before, but I did mean Marik's Yami form. Sorry for the confusion. Anyways, shout-outs:
Sakura Trees: Well.......... it's a hard habit to break, but I'll try.
Blue Savage: Yes, it was Marik! Who else would it be? Anways, sorry for teh confusion on the Marik/Yami Marik thingie!
serpent-vampfreakL She ran away because she was stupid and nieve, and she ddin't go back because of her pride. Ya, they took my blood, and gave me a test to see if I went into seziures.......... I dunno. Anyways, enjoy the chapter, and be careful with the cutting - some people accidently go through with a suicide.
WolfOfShadow: Yes, my grammer sucks, but hey, I'm only 15! Anyways, read the top. I meant Yami Marik. Opps............ and yes, leperchaun does like to ramble........... but that's cool. Anyway, enjoy the chapter!
Crystal56: Well, here's your update! Anyways, I do liek 'fucking my charactes over" It's fun! Now I see why God likes fucking us over all the time.Opps.......... shouldn't have said that. Whatever, thanks for all the reviews!
peachi goddess: Yes, her life has been sad, and I hope it makes other people grateful for what they have! Romance in this chapter so I hope you like it, even if it is confusing. You'll hate me for the ending though!
Alright, with that said, here's the chapter.
Like Petals From A Rose
Chapter Nine
Understanding
An hour had passed, and I still sat there, the towel wrapped around my body, my hair having dried a long time ago. A knock on the door brought me back into the world and I looked up to see Yami in the doorway.
"We should get your things." Was all he said, and I nodded in response, heading towards the closet where I knew there would be clothes for me. It was strange just how fucked up this relationship was. We barely ever spoke, and yet I knew that he knew every emotion I was feeling. I knew this because I felt the sadness and pain inside him.
Shaking my head I pulled on a long sleeved shirt and a pair of pants before walking out of the room, willing the memories to recede. But I knew they wouldn't…….. not for a long time.
I made my way out to the car. The ride was silent, neither of us saying anything, but not needing to. When we reached my old apartment I opened the door and left without a word. I had to get out of there, away from him, who now knew the truth of my seemingly cursed life.
I couldn't face him, didn't want to face him anymore, and yet, as much as I hated, I knew I needed him, needed his help.
My apartment was still open, and my things untouched, which I was surprised at, and I walked into my room, taking in the old smells. Grease and cleaner mostly, but at least it was something familiar.
The memories were coming back now, harder then ever, and my legs didn't want to support me as the old fear returned. I came crashing down onto the bathroom floor, my hands flying up the grab the lip of the sink to stop my head from hitting the ground.
"Fucking stop Marik!" I screamed, backing into the wall as he came at me.
"Shut the hell up bitch!" He snarled, grabbing me by the throat and throwing me onto the ground.
My body filled with phantom pain, the old pain that he had filled me with time and time again. The tears poured from my eyes, and I was glad that Yami wasn't here to see my weakness.
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
The fire danced within my range of vision, the light reflecting in his dark cold eyes.
"Tell me babe, do you like fire? You always like burning candles and shit." I closed my eyes, knowing that I couldn't fight back.
"Stop." I whispered, knowing that he wouldn't, but praying that he might. He laughed before the fire on my skin, my own screams deafening me.
I didn't know what to do with the memories running through my head, so I did what any scared little child would, and curled into a ball, my sobs racking my body without making a sound.
"Fucking whore!" He shouted. "Think you can fucking get away from me huh?" He pulled out the switchblade before reaching out and grabbing my shirt, cutting the sleeve off so that the skin of my shoulder was exposed. "I'll fucking show you."
"Get the hell away from me!" But I was as if he didn't hear me at all, pulling out a lighter and heating the blade.
"Come here!" He commanded, and I didn't move, my legs were that weak, so he grabbed me instead, slapping me across the face before bringing the heated knife to my shoulder. "Fucking bitch, you're mine, fucking got that? MINE!"
God, I couldn't take this anymore, couldn't hold this all inside of me anymore. Moving slowly I reached up with my hand, feeling for the razor that I knew would be there.
In our mutual
Shame we idolize
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way from who we are
My hand brushed the cool metal, and I gripped it, rolling up my sleeve and revealing not only my scars, but the burn marks as well. Just the sight of them filled me with rage, pain, hurt, anger. Hell, I didn't even fucking know what my emotions were anymore!
But I knew this, this feeling that sent chills through me. Slowly, I dragged the razor across my skin, letting the metal puncture and cut my flesh. Unwanted tears dropped from my eyes, mixing with my blood tears as the crimson fluid dripped from the wound.
I heard footsteps coming up the stairs outside, and I knew who it was.
"Fuck." I muttered, reaching for a towel to cover the wound and collect the blood that was rushing from it. With my other hand I closed the bathroom door and locked it. Not seconds later I heard him calling my name, but I was starting to feel a little light headed, and the towel was fast becoming entirely red.
Fuck, maybe I had cut a little deeper then I had meant to. I didn't reply and before I knew it, I heard him knocking on the door. Still I said nothing as the knocking turned into pounding. My vision was becoming slightly blurry and I didn't even notice that he had somehow gotten in until I felt him grip my shoulders.
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
"Sekka? Sekka!" I looked up to see his red eyes boring into mine. Red, like my blood……….
A jerk brought me back to my senses, and my vision cleared a little so that I could see the worry etched into his face.
"Are you ok, can you talk?" Sluggishly I pushed him away, or tried to, but I just ended up falling into his chest, his arms wrapping around me. "Sekka!"
"I'll be ok." I said, but it seemed distant and far away even to myself.
"The bleeding's stopped." He said, before dipping his head down so that it rested on my shoulder, his arms still wrapped around me firmly. "Why?" The question was soft, and filled with pain. My vision was clearing and I felt strong enough to sit up a little bit.
Silence.
His gaze was locked on me so intensely that I was afraid that he could see straight through me. I didn't answer his question, I was afraid to. Afraid of him, and of his caring for me, so I looked away from him instead, but I could feel the worry, caring, and anxiety radiating off his aura.
"Sekka?" He said gently after a few more moments of silence. "Why…… I thought that you were……."
"Were what?" I snapped, angry all of the sudden, and I didn't even know why. Maybe that he had seen me at my weakest, that he knew…… there was a hundred possible reasons, and still, I didn't understand my own anger. "Were fine now that I had spilled out everything to you? now that you knew more then anybody alive besides me and Marik himself? Now that you thought I had let you in?"
"Sekka-"
"No." I said, cutting him off and rising to my feet, using the sink as a brace. "I asked you to help me 'repair my wings' as you would say. Not to know everything about me, not to lure me to the cliff just to throw me off it. No, he did that enough, and each time I came back, I'm not that stupid anymore!" But I didn't believe my own words and he knew it.
And suddenly, I was crying again, and my legs were weak. And before I knew it, I had come crashing down again, and he had caught me on instinct.
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time
"Don't." I whispered brokenly into his shoulder, where I had landed. "Don't catch me like that. If I fall, then I fall alone, and there will be nothing but the cement to catch me." I said, reciting a line from one of my poems.
"What?" He asked, and I wasn't sure that he had heard me.
"Don't catch me like that." I whispered again, trying not to choke on my own sobs. "Your job isn't to catch me."
"Then what is my job?" He asked softly, his arms once again wrapped around me. And suddenly, I felt safe like this, not lost in the cold and darkness, but here, in his warmth. But if this was so good, then why the hell was my heart pounding so hard that I couldn't breathe? "And don't say to leave you, because that's not what I'm going to do."
"We're supposed to try and be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is real."
"You have to." I whispered again, the tears wetting his clothing. "I'll only hurt you."
"Then hurt me." He whispered back. "Then hurt me, and maybe then you wouldn't have to hurt yourself." I lifted my head to meet his eyes, his red eyes that could draw me in forever if I the courage to fall. He said nothing, and I said nothing, but as his face came closer to mine, my heart felt as if it was going to burst.
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
"Don't." I whispered, but didn't pull back, and he didn't stop. I knew he wouldn't, and yet I was scared, so fucking scared that he wouldn't, and scared that he would.
But in that moment when his lips brushed mine, for that one second, everything was ok, and I felt not the cold of the world, but something worth living for. His strength, his life that flowed in him so strong seemed to flow into me with that simple gesture, and still I couldn't breath, and fear pulsed through me.
Fear of falling into him, the way I had fallen into Marik, only to be burned by my own flame. And still, I knew it was falling, and it mystified me of how I had come to care for him so much , so quickly, without even knowing it.
But what was it that I was feeling? Was it my weakness craving his strength?
"Don't do this." I said again, the tears still leaking from my eyes. But he didn't stop, and his lips brushed mine again, longer and stronger then before.
Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you
Burns inside of me
I was so confused, so scared, and so warm in his embrace. How had this started? Where the sam fuck had this come from, and why did it feel so right?
"Stop, don't do this anymore." I pleaded, my voice low and hoarse from my teardrops. "For the love of God, don't love me."
"Why?" He asked, his voice firm and husky, and sending ripples through my spine.
"Because." I choked. "I'll only cause you pain, it'll be so much easier."
"Easier for you to what? To continue suffering like this?"
"Yes." I whispered, and tried to pull away from him, but his grip was firm.
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for you
"I won't let you leave, not like this."
"You have to!" I almost yelled, trying to pull away from him again, new tears flowing down my cheeks. "Don't you get it, I'll kill you in the end." With one last tug, I pulled away from him, running across the apartment and grabbing my poem book before heading for the door.
He called after me, but I continued running.
I couldn't let this happen, not again. I wouldn't love anyone, I couldn't love anyone without hurting them. I had always hurt everyone I had ever known, I was damn near fucking cursed, and I wouldn't contaminate him.
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot
Bear it all alone
If I stayed with him, I would only hurt him more then I could ever imagine. Why didn't he understand this?
His shouts followed me long after he was gone, and I hid in an alley so that if he drove by, he wouldn't see me from the streets.
"You're not alone, are you?"
"Never... Never."
I was crying again, but this time I knew why.
I was crying for him, crying because he had so much hope in me, so much faith, and I would only fail him. I was crying for his heart, for his soul, and yes, maybe even for my own heart.
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, No
For my heart, which was so scared to live that it was dying without ever learning to live. God, why did I have to meet him? Things had been much simpler before him. I would have continued as I was, and he would have continued as he had, and none of this would have ever happened.
I would be dead inside, he would have lived, and I would never have learned what he had taught me, and I wouldn't be sitting here crying for him, crying for what I could have had, and feeling as if I was being ripped apart.
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
And I would never have had to remember Marik, and what he had done to me. I would still be cold, and safe. More sobs racked my body, and I was powerless to stop the whirlwind of emotion that was tearing through my body.
(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away
"Yami." I whispered to the darkening sky, even though I knew he couldn't hear me. "Please understand, I'm doing this for you."
A/N:
Ok, well that chapter didn't come out the way I expected it to, but it came out better, so I'm happy about that. I have a vague idea of where this is going to go from here, I just have to work some things out. Anyways, please review and tell me what you think! Hopefully I'll have the next chapter out within a week or less!