I've come to the realization that I will never be able to finish my stories as fast as I anticipated. I have come to realize that the lack of actually writing on paper has affected me in ways I didn't understand till today. Till tonight when i sat down, turned on Spotify and I relived a hard time.
"They say you fall in love 3 times in your lifetime. The first is when you're in high school, where you think it's love but then look back and realize it was just puppy love. The second time is when it actually hurts. Hurts you to your core, where you don't think you'd be able to recover. The one where it teaches you what love is. Then your third when it comes out of nowhere but when you need it the most."- Quote from a video I saw and source is unknown.
That hit me hard. Harder than expected because at my age I didn't realize how true that could be till I relived the hardest month of my life.
This is called September.
September is a hard time for me in general. For more personal reasons than I would like to share.
But it's the month you told me you loved me.
It's the month that a lot of things my gut kept telling me came true.
Its the month when i didn't say it back.
I had you where i always wanted you, i just didn't know it at the time.
Now i think back so many years have passed, what if i had told you how i felt.
I knew behind that tough exterior you often posed, that you were telling me the truth.
You brought me to a place no one had been in besides your two closest friends.
You brought me in, deeper than the girl I swore you loved.
That's also the month I started to doubt you.
The month I knew every lie you and my so called best friend had lied.
Had been playing me behind my back.
That's also the month that I knew I loved you too.
I had you where I wanted you. But it took me removing myself from you for you to realize that.
I also realized when you had truly fallen for me.
And it was from the beginning. No games. No plays. No lies.
Someone came in, threatening you by entertaining me.
Your best friend confronted me, told me not to hurt you. But I shook her off.
Told her we were just 'having fun'.
But we weren't.
That's the same night we kissed in front of people, in front of the camera to express it to the world.
I became real in your world.
You became real to me.
But we didnt take it seriously. Because we were just having fun.
You were afraid of getting hurt and I was afraid of letting anyone in.
Fear kept us apart.
If we could go back in time we could've been something different. But no.
We are not wired that way, you and i.
We are equally stubborn and equally stupid.
That's when I realized I had also lost you. Because I didn't say it back.
But then reality hit, I knew you were done fighting for me.
I knew I had lost you.
I knew I had let my doubt keep me from being faithful.
And your own fear kept you from fighting for me and being faithful.
That's why we are where we are.
No closure..
Just believing neither existed.
Rooting from afar.
But silently checking up on one another.
I wish you nothing but the best. As you wish me nothing but the best in my new life.
But part of you will always be with me, as a part of me lives with you.
All the best.
xx.