A/N: Contains slight sexual themes.
Kaidan thought since the fall of the Reapers, everything would slowly fall into place. Then the message from Hackett came down and his thoughts went back to the long nights of depression and struggling to sleep.
Hackett had told Kaidan about Gemma's amnesia, only remembering Shepard from the Collector attack. He knew Gemma would remember him from those times as well, but that was it. Nothing else about their time together would be remembered, he was heartbroken.
"Kaidan?" Vega calls from the doors to Shepard's cabin. Chakwas wasn't allowing Shepard to leave the medbay until they got back to Earth, she was allowed visitors, but only so many at a time. Shepard was struggling with PTSD, her sleeping medication kept her calm and lucid most of the time.
"What James?" Kaidan aggressively asked as he leaned against the desk. The datapads were stacked so high they were close to toppling over. Kaidan had locked himself away since finding out about Gemma, he was too hurt to work right now. The crew really needed him, they were only two days out from arriving at home.
"Chakwas wants to see you," he says calmly as he stands in the doorway, not moving. Kaidan shut his eyes, he was so tired.
"Can it wait?" he asks. James shuffled on his feet.
"No, sir," he mumbles. Vega was usually the best for cheering people up, but the depression that radiated off Kaidan was far from anything he could help with. Kaidan stood up tall, the weeks of training had paid off. When he didn't sleep or eat, he was training in the shuttle bay. Kaidan had nearly doubled in muscle since arriving at Omega and first began his training. It did come at the cost of his mental health.
"I'll be down soon, dismissed," he says in short snap and leans back over the desk. Vega salutes him and quickly recedes to the lift. Kaidan sighed to himself, he didn't mean to be like this with Vega or any of the members of the crew. But he was hurting and just wanted to be left alone. In two days, he would see his fiance, who doesn't even remember him or the life they've built together.
Kaidan walked through the doors of the med-bay. Garrus sat with Shepard, speaking in hushed tones with her. Thane was reading in the far corner, his body mostly hooked up to machines to monitor his health. He was back to looking just how he did all those months ago. Skin dark, inner eyelids not moving and coughing every few minutes, he was a sight to sore eyes.
"Ah, Major. Thanks for coming, sit down," Chakwas orders as she pats the bed nearest to the door. She pulls the sheet over to give them some privacy. Kaidan sits down with a huff, swinging his legs onto the bed.
"Couldn't this wait?" he asked in a low tone. Chakwas ignored him, started with scans on his implants and got his basic body readings.
"Your heart rate is quite elevated," she comments. Kaidan rolls his eyes.
"Well, I am stressed," he snaps. Chakwas gives him a stern look, she then stands up to hover over his face. "What?" he asks as she pushes her fingers into his temple.
"No migraines?" Kaidan shakes his head, he is lying. He had migraines nearly every night. The nightmares caused them. Chakwas narrowed her eyes at him. "The Truth, Major," she sternly says.
"Fine, yes! I have migraines every night," he finally shouts, shoving the doctor off him. He stands up to leave. "I have nightmares that cause the migraines. I have a crew to get home, half the crew is hurt and grieving and our commander isn't fit for duty." Chakwas tries to walk towards him as they both come into view of everyone else in the room.
Thane had put his book down and Shepard and Garrus both watched with dropped mouths. "Let me help you, Kaidan. You need rest," Chakwas calmly says. Kaidan only backs even further from her.
"I don't need your help. I only need Gemma, but she doesn't even remember me! I need to be left alone." He turns to leave, but a hand lands on his shoulder.
"Kaidan, come on. Let Chakwas help you," Garrus says in a sympathetic tone. Kaidan brushes his talons off.
"No, I need to be alone," he shouts. His biotics reacted in his anger, the tears started to fall down his cheeks at the same time.
"Kaidan, this isn't you. You are the most level headed person I've ever known," Shepard finally speaks up. The loudest she's spoken since waking up. "You hide in the cargo bay training and why it's healthy for your body physically, your mental health is suffering because of it. Gemma would hate to see you like this." The name only made Kaidan angrier.
"Don't speak her name, Shepard," he says with a pointed finger. Garrus pushes his hand down, trying to calm him down. Kaidan shoves him away.
"Let me grieve how I want to. This is my choice!" he shouts. Thane coughs slightly, only then Kaidan finally realizes just how much of a scene he was making in front of those sick and injured. His head drops, shoulder sagging. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. Thane gets some rest, I'm leaving now," he all but mumbles before walking away. Garrus watches the door close before looking at Shepard.
"Isn't there anything we can do?" he asks Chakwas. She only slowly shakes her head as she clears the bed up.
"No, he is showing clear signs of depression. We will have to let him process this alone, for now. You cannot force him to get help. He will push himself away even further from us." Garrus returned to Shepard's side. He looks over at Thane for a moment, seeing the Drell looking deep in thought.
"You okay, Thane?" Garrus asks. The Drell looks up at him, smiling slightly, his upper eyelids slowly blinking.
"Yes, the Major reminds me a lot of myself when I lost my wife. I pushed those closest away from me, even my son. I never saw the light until meeting you, Commander," he says with a slight cough. Shepard smiles at him, she was glad to have helped Thane so much. He'd come so far, but seeing him slowly die each day in front of her was saddening.
"Can Gemma still help him?" she asks Chakwas. Everyone looked at Thane, he understood that Gemma didn't remember him anymore and he might die without her help.
"If she does not help, don't hate her. She is lost in her mind and forcing treatment on someone she doesn't remember will not help this. I have accepted my death will come sooner or later," Thane says in a level voice.
"We will do all we can, Thane," Chakwas reassures him. She would beg Gemma if she had to. Thane had come so far in his treatments for it all to turn to nothing now.
It was cold, Reapers surrounded him. Kaidan had nothing but his pistol and worn, broken armour. Gemma stood at the end of the long tunnel of tentacle legs. The Reapers were frozen in place and so was she.
"Gemma?" Kaidan shouts and she doesn't respond. He tries to run, but she moves further and further away. The Reaper above her looks down, opening its firing chamber. "NO!" he screams as the red beam crashes down on her.
"AH," he yells as he sits up in bed, sweat dripping down his bare chest, his hair laid amess across his head. Kaidan looks around the room, getting his familiar surroundings back as he looks at the glowing fish tank and skylight of stars above his head. It was just a nightmare.
Kaidan leans over the bed, holding his forehead as the next migraine starts. He was so tired at this point, he could visibly see it each time he looked in a mirror or anything with a reflection. Decided sleep wasn't going to do it anymore, he gets up to get a shower.
The warm water filled the bathroom with steam as he took his boxers off and got under the burning water. He leans a hand against the tiled wall, letting the hotness burn the back of his head and trickle over his shoulders.
"I miss you," he mumbles to himself. Gemma was all he could ever remember, nothing else mattered to him. He thought the training would help, but it only gave him a small distraction. The boxing bags no longer work when he punches at them until his knuckles nearly bled, it wasn't a good enough distraction.
He remembers the nice moments with Gemma, their first night together. Also their last night together. These thoughts made his dick twitch slightly, Kaidan groaned into the water. It was horrible his body was betraying him like this. The weeks without sex had taken its toll on him, usually, he was fine to go months without it, but since meeting Gemma and having a normal sex life, his body almost expected it.
He slowly moves his hand to grip his grown length, moaning as his head drops against the tiles. The water was burning his skin, but it was too good to stop. He let the memories consume him as he pumps faster, moaning loudly, the water too loud for anyone to hear.
"Hmph," he grunts as he finishes against the wall, the after quickly washes the evidence away. Washing his body down and getting out of the show, Kaidan stands in front of the steamed mirror. Using his mirror to clear it, he looks at himself. His deep six-pack, toned muscles and slimmer waist was something he should be proud of, but he just isn't.
He was depressed, in an unhealthy cycle that he needed to break, but he didn't know how to.
A/N: Kaidan's depression is something a lot can relate to. It might not be with the same issues he is dealing with, but depression, in general, is a horrible thing to deal with. I have dealt with it for years and fighting a cycle I created for myself was the hardest thing I ever did. To those struggling out there, my inbox is always open :) until next time.