It was only several hours later, well after everybody had left that I dared to leave my bed. Currently I occupy myself in the common area, reading a book about recent history. I have much to catch up on. The clock lazily advances on 11pm. The Highwind is quiet. Marlene is asleep, and there's some peace and quiet to be had at last.
I guess I should put down the book and allow myself to dwell on the bigger question in front of me; my future. I live in the past, I know. For me it feels but months away, not a lifetime. Maybe it is a lifetime away. I think I might have changed since the start of this journey. It might just be me.
Sin can never be forgiven. When I was sleeping I didn't feel it. Do I really have the strength to carry on? Do I have the strength to put the past behind me? Do I have the right to? Do I have the right to continue living, well after all those I've killed are forgotten? What could I possibly do with my life now? Find a job? What, something like 'Vincent's Antique Restoration: Odds are he's older than what you have!'? I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to think about this. I don't want to feel this way anymore. There's no where in the world that is my own, but my smallish room on the Highwind.
I'm so confused. I'm so lost.
So I pick up the book again and continue reading. It's much easier than facing my fears and doubts. It's much easier than admitting and letting go and moving on.
I'm not strong enough.
At the glimpse of movement I look up, and meet the gazelle gaze of Marlene. I thought she was asleep? Damn. I don't know what to do with kids…
"Is everybody gone?" She asks meekly. She's half hiding behind the doorway, peeking over and covering her mouth with a small hand.
Did I ever have such small hands? I can't resist the urge to glance at my flesh fingers supporting the book. They're long and gaunt and the knuckles are big. There're creases all over those old knuckles. How old am I, technically?
When I look back up Marlene is no longer there. I am relieved.
"Whatcha reading?"
She's right by my elbow!
She didn't notice my startle. Holy, how did she get here so quietly? Damn kid…
"A book." I tell her. She scowls at me and then forgets all about it. I swear this kid has a five seconds attention span. She climbs up on the sofa beside me. Kid, didn't anyone ever tell you that a recliner has room for one? Go sit on the loveseat.
I don't try and stop her because I figure she'll notice that two physical masses can't occupy the same space at the same time. That's physics, kid.
Turns out I'm wrong; because kids are small and… Well… she decided I'm her pillow now. She curls into a ball in my lap like some damn cat, and I slowly feel every muscle in my body tense at the unwelcome contact. Every time she's close to me I become afraid to move. I don't want to startle her or hurt her. This claw of mine is not just for show, you know.
"What are you doing?" I ask, perhaps more harshly then I intend. She brings out the worst in me. She turns those innocent eyes at me, and I refuse to stop scowling.
"It's scary in my room." She says. Yes, it is frightening in there- I've seen her room- I find that amount of stuffed animals quite startling, but one assumes she does not. Else why collect them? I could never handle that many pairs of dead eyes staring at me, unblinking…
"What's scary?" I ask. Maybe if I can take away the scary element- maybe those pink curtains- she'll leave me alone.
"Nobody's coming back." She answers cryptically. Can she even be cryptic? Maybe she's just dumb? I heave a sigh. She's not getting off me unless I push her, and even I'm not that heartless.
"What are you talking about?" I wanted to say 'what the hell are you talking about', but she's young. One should observe one's language around kids. At least, that's what Tifa keeps telling Cid.
"When it's dark outside, nobody's coming back." She explains, "I can lie there for hours, no matter where I am, but they're not coming back." She seems sad. I feel awkward. Why is she telling me this?
"Who's not coming back?" I try, still scowling.
"Daddy, Tifa, Cloud… Everyone… No-one."
"They'll be back tomorrow."
"But they're not back now. They might never come back." She huddles into a fetal-like position.
Poor kid. Barret, you idiot. Didn't you think what the Crisis might do to a young girl? Didn't you think that being so close to everything that's happened could seriously mess her up?
I am surprised to say that I'm feeling rather angry at Barret, and rather sympathetic towards this girl's pain. Maybe it's just me.
"Why did you come to me, then?"
"You're here."
Gee, thanks.
…What did I expect?
Then she looks me straight in the eye and says with an honesty only a six years old could manage, "You're so awesome."
I'm sure I'm blushing at her blind sincerity, but I think she's too uncomplicated to notice. Of course she hasn't a clue what she's talking about, but it's still stirring to see that… that… faith in those giant eyes. It's a new experience for me. She continues,
"When everybody left that time they said you won't come back. But you did, and Tifa and everyone were really happy." She beams at me. Did you know that a kid smiling at you doesn't feel half bad? Of course she's a dunce, I know. But she's still kind of… lovable for it.
For a long moment we are just looking at each other because she's expecting me to say something and I don't know what. Eventually I just repeat lamely,
"They'll be back tomorrow."
She nods and buries her head in the folds of my shirt. My stomach muscles are so agitated right now I barely dare to breathe. Are you so used to people codling you, child, that you're blind to those who don't know what to do with you? Even if I wanted to carry you back to your bed I'd have to hop. That won't make for a very comfortable ride for you or me.
"Thanks for protecting me." She says at last, rolling on her back over my legs. Get off, please.
"Don't do it again." I tell her, and watch her large eyes get impossibly larger. Maybe my tone is too harsh again? I'm always meaner than I intend with her. It's because she needs to understand that the world is difficult and that I'm not a nice person. Either way it's too late because I can hear myself saying, "Do something stupid like this again and you can get killed. I won't be around all the time to save you."
Oi. Just kill me where I sit. And after she said she was afraid of people leaving? That was smart, Vincent.
Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears, and I see a fear in them that strikes right to my heart- Why?
Holy, it physically hurts to look into those eyes. She wants me to be her hero? I'm nobody's hero. I don't need the high expectations. I didn't do it for you, kid.
I don't know why I did it, but it wasn't for you.
Holy, it hurts. Like my heart was dunked in liquid hydrogen. My chest contracts and expands inexplicitly with pain and confusion. But I'm angry at her, for some reason- I'm angry at her for putting faith so dumbly, so blindly. And I'm angry at how good it feels to have someone want to believe in me, even if it's a retarded toddler.
Just then I look up and see Tifa leaning in the doorway. She has a thoughtful look on her face.
Embarrassing.
I get up hastily to greet her.
Her eyes widen at my movement.
Oops.
There's a squeal, then a 'thump' as Marlene hits the floor.
Right! Another chapter. Poor Marlene. He really abuses her in his mind, doesn't he? Don't mind him- he's just a grouch. He doesn't really think she's retarded, he just doesn't understand kids. I hope I don't disappoint with each chapter- please let me know if you have complaints. I'm trying to learn to take criticism better, as well…
Oh, speaking of reviews… I adore the ones that have quotes from the chapter that they enjoyed! It makes me happy and gives me a better idea of what people like. Just thought you should know.wink wink
By the way, If you ask a question in a review I will most likely answer it when I post the next chapter.
Next chapter should be on Saturday, as usual.
There's going to be more between Marlene and Vincent in a few chapters. Until then there's going to be some Vincent/Tifa interaction! I hope you'll enjoy. I'm always afraid I'll ruin the story with each chapter... I need courage. Give me time.
Lucian's Angel87 mentioned that Vincent's legs are probably not artificial, and the claw? Who knows. I must admit that first time I played the game I was certain his legs were fake because of his ankles- they're so thin! There's no way a foot can pass through the ankle of those boots. But- shrug -Consider it something of my universe. For the purpose of this story his legs are artificial. I hope you don't mind.