I don't know how long it took her to calm down. I didn't move. I'm still here on the couch. Not because I want to be, no. I want to run. I want to go away and let her deal with it. I don't want to know she's sad because I can't cheer her up. She can't just expect me to comfort her. I'm notorious in my social ineptitude. I don't even know if she meant for me to see her breakdown. I'm not used to feeling strongly about something anymore, and I'm not sure I want to be reminded how painful caring about someone can be. Dammit, Tifa! Find someone else to be your shoulder to cry on. Someone who can actually help you.
"Sorry." She says after a while. I merely shake my head. I want to say that she shouldn't apologize for being heartbroken, that it's her right to cry where and when she wants. I want to, but I don't. She says,
"I mean, how can I sit here and cry like a baby after all you've been through?"
Me? What do I have to do with it? I just happened to be here when she was sad.
"Misery is not a competition," I say quietly, not sure how she'll take it. "and I do not have a monopoly on it." I gather some words and some courage to add, "Besides, I had a pleasant evening."
"And I've gone and ruined it!" She starts hiccupping again, and I give another start. That's not what I meant! Damnit, Vincent!
"It-"
I don't want her to feel worse!
"It isn't ruined."
No, wait-
"Not that watching you cry is something I enjoy."
But-
"Not that it's a bother, either."
I could continue to make a fool of myself but she chuckles softly.
"You're so strange." She leans away from me to put her head on the arm rest. Her legs are folded under her beneath my cloak, though her toes are not covered. I wonder if I should move the cape to cover them. She has small, pink toes and she clenches them against the cool air of the room. I almost forgot what toes look like. They look rather silly, don't they?
Her eyes are swollen and bloodshot. She looks miserable, but past the worse of it for now. I just meet her eyes and wait. She muses,
"Sometimes it's like you couldn't care less about any of us, and sometimes you're so kind…"
I remain silent. I don't like talking about me. I don't know how people see me. Yes. I admit that I might care for Avalanche, no matter how much I deny it. But I don't want to get too close because the separation is inevitable and I don't want it to hurt any more than it aught to.
I'm not afraid of solitude, as I said. So what am I afraid of?
What am I afraid of?
The question is not one to which the answer is a mystery. I fear many things. The real question is dare I admit them. At the moment I'm afraid of feeling too much, and by fearing it, I feel too much. A lethal situation, that.
"You're so secretive." She continues, "I can never tell what goes on in that head of yours." She snuggles into my cape, the pink toes are gone, and I drop whatever thoughts I had of taking my cloak back. It is still slightly warm from the dryer- let her enjoy from it the warmth that I cannot offer. I haven't the heart to take it away from her.
…Heart. Bah. Mine has withered away long ago. But she reminds me of times when it beat with excitement, with feeling, with passi-
"Secretive?" I ask, deliberately stopping that train of thought. "It is not my intention."
"It isn't? You could have fooled me." She smiles. I don't talk if I have nothing to say. Is that being 'secretive'? If there's a box in front of you, and you don't upon it, is the box being secretive?
"If you have a question I'll answer it." I dare her. Most of Avalanche wouldn't know what to ask, anyway. Most of them will fear the answers I might give. Few would dare open the box, fearing to find it once belonged to a girl named Pandora.
Besides spending a few months as a human pincushion I'm not a very interesting person, I'm afraid.
She thinks about it for a moment, looking at me thoughtfully. I try not to squirm. Tifa, if you look too hard you'll see the sign that says 'Here there be monsters'.
"I think I might." She takes up the challenge with that grin that looks so… "Someday I'll make you sit down give me your life story." Gulp. Why on Planet would she want to hear about that? "But first; I want some of that left over macaroni that Shera brought."
I automatically get up, and she raises momentarily, concern on her face. I believe she meant she will go and grab it, but I won't let her. I fight back a wave of nausea as I straighten. I'm feeling gradually worse, but it's probably because it's getting late. I'm not an invalid. I can get you something from the kitchen. I'm not useless, nor am I that weak that I would need help doing something so simple.
I hop to the kitchen. She leans back unto the couch but keeps a wary eye on me. I open the fridge (what a useful appliance!) and take out the requested leftovers.
"You're very graceful- I could never move so well on one foot." She comments. I really need to make her stop complimenting me. It makes me uncomfortable.
"I'm an acrobat." I answer, "Aerobatics is what I do."
"What does it feel like?"
It takes me a few tries to open the plastic container with my claw and hurt arm.
"Pardon?"
"The… Your legs."
I empty what's left of the macaroni and cheese on a plate. It's sort of amusing that the cold contents are still shaped like the container. Upside down cake of noodles and cheese, wobbly and semi-solid. There must be something very wrong with me if I'm amused by cheese.
I stare at the next appliance in the process with suspicion.
"Feels like walking on stilts." I answer with deliberate lack of infliction, remembering despite myself the dreadful feeling of waking up and finding myself a double amputee. Reduced to an animal…
"Does it hurt?" She asks carefully. I poke at the contraption a few times, trying to coerce it nicely to work with me. It bleeps in protest, but remains otherwise unimpressed by me.
"Only in the beginning." Why won't this thing work? It's bleeping and beeping, but not working. I don't understand it.
"But when you joined us-"
"I faked it." Would this damn thing stop making noise and start warming food? I've never used it myself, but I've seen Tifa and them use it. It didn't seem this complicated. One of these buttons should start a fire, or something.
I can feel Tifa's surprised look on me.
"I didn't learn how to walk properly until we got to Rocket Town." That's why I spent so much time in the air, jumping and suchlike. It was easier than trying to maintain a good walk cycle on these things. It was less painful.
She's staring at me, I can feel it, but I can't tell what she's thinking. When I glance at her, her expression is just thoughtful and tired. They probably thought I was showing off, when in fact standing was the only thing I could have done without fear of falling on my face. I'd jump from place to place. Silly, yes, but got me mobile again.
"'Cook', 35 seconds." She pipes in. Thank you, Tifa, maybe you can speak the magical language of this piece of technological refuse, but I can't. It takes a few moments of scanning the various buttons to find 'cook' and it all works out from there. Oh. That was easier than what I was trying to do. I guess there's no fire in it. Nothing needs to heat up? Really? How novel.
She's kind enough to cover her mouth with my cloak as she laughs.
Everything happens so fast in these times. From the changes in the world to the cooking of the microwave.
I bring her the food and she eats quietly for a while, chewing and looking at me. She looks rather small in the folds of my large cape. I'm glad to see she's feeling better, or at least not thinking of her troubles for now.
"Thanks for your help." She murmurs between bites. Even I'm feeling better at seeing her better.
"I've done nothing worthy of note." Holy, that sounded stuffy.
"What are you going to do when it's all over?" She then inquires. "I mean, in an ideal world, what would you like to do?"
I swallow hard. Why did she have to go and ask that? She's probably just trying to think about other things, and not him. I know how you feel, Tifa, but you can't escape the pain. When you ignore it just builds a home in your heart and before you know it there're penthouses of pain. What would I do in an ideal world? The first answer that pops in my head is not the right one.
Be with Her. Make Her happy.
That's what I would have answered every moment of my life from the moment I set eyes on her. But is it really what I want these days? Or is it what I'm used to thinking? She's… She's made it clear what She wants with me when I saw her again in the cave.
What do I want?
What do I want?
"I… Don't know." I say. "I want somewhere quiet to think, I guess." Somewhere people don't ask me questions I don't have the answers for.
"I think that's the first time I ever heard you say that you want something."
I look at her inquiringly. What does she mean by that? I wanted plenty of things since I've woken up.
"You never ask for anything." She explains, "You never complain, you never demand, you never yell." She takes in a breath; her eyes are half-closed from exhaustion. She's beautiful. "You're never angry or sad, you never give up, you never stop fighting until you're down…" Yes, well, the line between bravery and stupidity is thin, and I am well past it. What's with the psychoanalysis? I guess even talking to me is better than a heartbreak. To my discomfort she says, "Remember that time against the Tonberry? In the Northern Cave? You took that Knife attack for me."
"The Cover Materia made me do it."
"Liar." She smiles. Her eyes are closed and her voice is soft, "I know for a fact Cloud had it…" And she's asleep.
Thank goodness, I sigh in relief. Sleep is the only reprieve from the pain of the heart. I'll let her sleep as much as she wants.
She complements me far too much and for things she really aught not. Heaven's forbid, I'll get used to it, and there where will we be? We'll have a big, fat, spoiled Vincent, that's what we'll have.
.
Another Saturday update. Slowly working our way forward, we are. As the story's shaping up right now, we're at about the half-point. Considering the slow pace of the story- the next half builds towards the climax. I hope you'll enjoy it.
I opened a forum called 'Soul Writing'. I don't really know why I opened it, and there's nothing in it, but I thought maybe I could open a more… well… open channel to talk about creative processes. I'll be checking it at least once every two days, so it'll be a much faster way of communicating than this 'afterthoughts' section. So… If anyone wants to say something there or ask me anything at all:
http/ story is such a challenge for me! I hadn't had this much fun writing in a long while. My question to the readers today is: In the beginning this story was in your usual past-third person style. Then I decided to change it to present-first person. Do you think the story would have worked in third person? Do you like the fact the Vincent's talking about what's happening now? Please let me know what you think. You can answer in the Forum or in your review.
Darknightdestiny: Congratulations for the new baby! I'm sure he/she will have a great life and grow up to accomplish great things. Please let me know if it is a boy or girl, ok? Health and happiness ahead!
LilTigre, thank you for your intelligent comments. I re-read that many times, trying to internalize and learn from it.
DemonSurfer: It is an honor for me to receive your 1000th review! Thanks. It means a lot that you should choose my story. Thank you.
Tolea: Vincent/Aeris? I don't know. I could never really see anything between those two. I mean, I love 'I Know What's Beneath the Snow Fields', but that's about my extent of the pairing. What I'm trying to say is I like reading certain stories about it, but never really thought of attempting one myself. I guess if an inspiration bunny bites me I'll write something.
I'm glad how people really liked the 'I'll pretend until I'm dead' comment. It's interesting how I can write something and not think much about it, and then see how people react to it. Please continue letting me know the phrases and sections that affect you. It is such a good feeling to know, and I feel that by studying these and their location and pace, I can learn how to become a better writer.
And since I got positive feedback; I will attempt to add insightful author's notes at the end of every chapter. By 'insightful' I mean I just ramble. As always.