Marlene is asleep. She had made me stay there until she did. Said it made her 'not scared'. How can my standing there make any difference? I guess it proves to her that I'm there. I guess the worst time in the company of a stealth killer is when you don't know where he is. I doubt that's her reasoning, though. Maybe she's afraid of the dark. It's odd- I'd consider myself one of those things that go 'bump' in the night. I used to sneak up on people and kill them in their sleep, not lull them into it.

Ignorance is bliss. She just doesn't want to be alone.

Don't we all?

After she had fallen asleep I pointed my finger at her. I knew all it would have theoretically taken is to squeeze my finger. Simple as that. Looking at her sleeping face I remembered all the sleeping faces. I never really asked who I was sent to kill. It was none of my business. Just like in Avalanche. I never asked why all these bandits, soldiers or SOLDIERs had to die.

As a Turk I had often wondered at the unfinished books and projects on the tables, but was never brave enough to check them. I had known that tomorrow this person will not see the sun shine. Tomorrow all those projects will have remained forever unfinished, never another page turned in the books, not a line written in the diary…

"We're friends, right?" Marlene had looked at me with big worried eyes before she fell asleep. I said 'yes' because I was tired and it was late and wanted her to go to sleep.

"Will you ever leave?" She then asked. I said 'yes' because it was the truth and I didn't want a scene later. She seemed saddened by it, but then declared with a smile, "But you'll be back." It wasn't a question.

It was odd. It had never happened before. Even though all I had pointed at her slumbering form was a finger… even though putting my thumb down will not harm her in the slightest…

I couldn't do it.

I don't know if I lost my touch, or forgot what it had felt like. What did I used to chant to myself to pull that trigger? I remember I used to say something over and over. And in the end all it took was one moment of strength and the silencer would spit out one death.

I'm still not sure if I should be appalled that I lost it, or that I would even pretend to shoot her.

I'm back on the deck now, thinking.

Why did I try it? What was I trying to prove? That even I can't kill kids these days? That I have a heart? When I was pointing at her… I saw the fingerless glove on my hand; I could feel the weight of my P-99. Was it easy then? No, I don't think that it was any easier, but it was as necessary for me to do my job then as it was for me to do it recently. History marks the villains, and when I was a Turk I fought against those who stood against Shinra because they were 'wrong' and 'bad' and I was trying to help the world. As a member of Avalanche I killed because I was trying to save the world from the 'bad' and the 'wrong'.

Yes, I used to get paid for it. But we did get 'paid' even in Avalanche. Our Materia would grow, and we would learn to become better fighters.

It's all in your point of view.

Before every mission I would have this little idiosyncrasy/ritual I'd do: I'd lay out the clothes for the day after, and I would leave the book I was reading deliberately open on the bed with no bookmark. That way if I died and someone closed to the book, they will never know of me. They will never know what page I was on and what page I will never read. It made me feel like I had to come back.

Will I be back if I leave here? Will I ever return to the Highwind were I to leave it? It's a cold night, overcast with clouds promising rain. The air feels like something's about to break. The cold, still air chills me to the bone and feels awful against my skin. I feel like my internal combustion is burning with ice, not fire. Shivers run up my spine.

Yet I remain here because I want to feel something. I want an answer. For what? For the hunger, and the pain and the burning in my chest. I want to know what will happen if I step away from Avalanche; the only thing I've known for the last year and a half, my only 'home'.

An explosion lights up sector 2. I think one of the reactors gave in.

Damn! Are they ok? What sector did they say they were working in? I don't know! I hope Tifa's alright. She has to be. Cid, Barrett, Red…

…Yuffie, Reeve & Cait…

They're strong. They're very strong. Stronger than me, stronger than I ever could be.

They're ok, they have to be. I know in my brain that even if a building fell on them they'd be all right. It takes a lot to kill us these days.

…But since when does logic affect feeling?

What would happen if they got killed? Crushed by some falling debris massive enough? Then I would be…

I don't know why, but it stabs me through the heart.

I double over.

It's dark outside.

They might never come back.

They'll never come back. Either killed by some force of nature, or they'll find out they don't want me as a companion… I will expect to see them again, but I never will. I will never see them again.

I could look towards Midgar forever and never see them again.

It is like a slap to the very chambers of my fears, from which they are then released like the Titans from their ageless prison.

Alone.

When it's dark outside, it's so much easier to be alone. And I remember now… Remember with painful clarity…

Hojo, when he was having his sick fun: "You can scream all you want, we're alone down here."

Her, choosing Hojo: "You'll be alright by yourself? You're always so strong."

My brother, before he left: "You'll have to take care of yourself now, hear?"

The Turks and Aleonde: "You work well alone."

My mother, when I left home for the Turks: "Will you be alright on your own?"

Why do they think that!

I was never alright alone!

Never…! I never wanted to be alone. I never wanted to be lonely! I was always too much of a coward to tell them 'no!'. I was always just too stupid and proud to know how to make or keep friends. They were always bright enough to see me for what I was, always turned away…

Even my own blood, my family. I can barely register the meaning of the word.

Now everything is gone and I'm the last thing left in my entire generation.

I was never alright.

Never.

I'm lost. I'm gone. I was put to a jail and not let go until everything I've ever known has past under the bridge of time. I had everything taken from me. My time, my youth, my love… Before now I had had my hate, my absolute desire to end Hojo's life, and in a way She had accompanied me to the fulfillment of that dreadful oath. Now She's gone. Gone from my heart and from my life. There's nothing holding her memory to me now. There's nothing left for me to do for her. That was my only worry for so long… I'm the type of person to which a pleasant day just puts in contrast all that I've lost. I'm a wretched soul who cannot find happiness without blemish. I haven't had the time to realize the enormity of the loss until now. Hadn't had the courage to face it. Simple things like meeting someone you know when you walk down the street, going to your regular restaurant or finding someone who remembers you when you were "this small". I've tried to atone for my sins, and I even dared to think I might have succeeded, but that doesn't mean that my punishment should not be eternal.

Right?

Holy, it hurts.

Who would have thought that such a small question could cause me such pain? Such bittersweet agony tearing my heart from my chest. Ah, to feel so strongly- how long has it been?

For the first time since I woke up… for the first time I can remember since I was on the operation table…

…I'm crying.

On my knees, on the deck, at night.

Right…

So…

This is where it's going for now. Please let me know your reactions! It's very important to me to know how this chapter affected you and what you felt. The point of writing in first person is to make the reader feel what the character is feeling, right? Well, I want to know if you could identify with him, if you could feel for him.
Please let me know. If this chapter has too little emotional impact, then I've failed.

I wanted to show Vincent as human as possible, because he is, and if he's not, there's no sympathy or empathy for him.

LilTigre: You want to draw a sketch? I'd love to see it! Feel free to draw whatever you want, just please show it to me!

Really the whole hiding things in his cloak got stuck in my head after watching Advent Children. When Marlene asks him if she can use his cell-phone he lifts his cloak to show her that he doesn't have one. It seems an oddly 'revealing' thing to do, you know?
Originally I thought she was asking if he had Cloud's phone, so when he lifts his cape I thought he might have hidden things in there before…

Myhi: Yes, I'm a perfectionist…! sigh I don't do it on purpose. But you're right! I should take it easier and just write for the fun of it! That's why I write! I'll do my best. Thanks for reminding me.

SilverPurity: That's an interesting idea for a sequel! I'll definitely consider it! I like it. I mean, Cloud's back, right? What's Tifa's feeling through all this?

Ninja Rikku: I reckon it'd be 6 or 7 more chapters yet! Remember that most of them are pretty short like this one. I wouldn't be too surprised if the story will hit chapter 20. So… You can look forward to a bit more story yet! I hope you'll enjoy.

Eternal thanks list grows ever larger! Makes me happy!
ArcBus, Indigo Angel, Just Jill, Myhi (Did I already thank you? Well, I'm thanking you now. ), Tolea (I didn't thank you? I was certain I did, but I couldn't find it- well- here you go! ) & Ninja Rikku.
Know that you've moved and affected me. You and all those who've taken the time to just drop a line. You give me courage.