I don't remember going to my room but I'm here now.
Children, when you grow up remember the story of Vincent Valentine; killer, betrayer and loser. Whatever you do, children, do not become hitmen, fall in love with someone else's wife and then lower your guard in front of said husband.
Just say 'no' to adultery.
I'm dizzy, I feel sick. I can't see, I can't hear. My chest hurts again, but I'm too weak to get up from the floor. How did I end up on the floor? It doesn't matter.
I smell blood. My blood. It smells different than other peoples'. It smells rotten. It mixes with the smell of disinfectants.
It's in my head. I'm not there. I'm not on the operations table!
I'm not…
Holy…
The smell brings visions. I close my eyes to escape them, but I'm not seeing them with my eyes, now am I?
Scalpels and knives and pieces of flesh and small tubes that connect me to anguish.
Needles, used and clean.
The sound of flesh opening beneath a blade.
The sound of my heartbeats deafening and thundering.
The sound of my own voice, choking on a scream, stifling a sob.
No escaping it- No matter what I do it's there- He's there- He'll keep on coming until I'm dead or he's done and then I'll wish I were dead.
The knowledge I failed to protect beautiful Lucrecia and that I'll never see her again- He won and I lost. I'm alone. He implants pain in my limbs, monsters in my head and hatred so deep in my heart only his demise would grant me reprieve.
Am I… Here?
I'm alone.
Deserted by everyone I've ever known, left to die in the hands of a madman who will leave me with not a shred of my humanity. He reduces me to an animal, naked and whimpering before my captor. If I could I'd have killed myself by now. But I can't… And I know that when he's done, Jenova will not let me die…
I get these dreams, sometimes… I dream I'm not on the table. I dream about a girl and a coffin and something about saving the world. The dream wasn't that bad. I wasn't here, and I wasn't in this pain. No one was trying to kill me.
He's trying to kill me as much as he can without actually making me dead. How I wish he'd succeed in ending me!
It was a good dream, compared to here. I was away from all this, broken in a foreign world. But I was over the guilt, the pain, the anguish, the terror, the fear… No… Never over the fear… I'm not afraid of solitude… I'm afraid of…
Loneliness.
That all consuming hunger, that desperate need…
In my dream I had new friends. Good ones like the ones in the Turks. They were good people… A blond old pilot and a brunette whose perfect beauty could only be a figment of my imagination… No such angel exists, no such smile. Those dreams are just there to torment me. I miss that dream. I had a chance there, if nothing else.
It's so dark here. It's so alone, I'm so alone…
Somehow saving the world made it all ok. I don't remember how…
I'm all alone here, in the basement of the mansion.
I'm all alone forever. No one will ever come. No one knows I'm here. No one cares about a Turk. There'll be no rescue. I'm so scared- I'm so scared- Please… Please help me… I'm alone…
I'm alone…
I'm so scared…
…
I'm alone
…
Black.
My heartbeats are pounding through my ears.
Make it stop.
Let me just die so that I don't hear them anymore. Let me die so that this headache can go away.
Wait, if those are my heartbeats… Why are they so irregular?
I can't see. My eyes are closed, right? Otherwise I've gone blind. What's going on? Where am I? The basement? The table?
No.
The… The Highwind. I hear it hum. I'm dreaming. Or is this the reality and the other world a dream?
Am I a man who dreams he's a butterfly, or a butterfly who dreams he's a man? I heard that saying once. At the moment I'm not sure I'm even a man to begin with. My thoughts flutter like the proverbial butterfly, and my heart feels like it's on fire.
I hear my name. It's my name, right? …Vincent… Vincent… I had other names but that's the one I have now, right?
He used to talk to me while He did his dreadful work. He used to say things like;
"Can you hear her, Vincent?"
"What does it feel like, Vincent?"
"You're a monster, Vincent."
"Scream some more, Vincent. It's amusing."
"Does this hurt, Vincent?"
"Vincent! Vincent! Are you alright, man!" -Wait, no, he never said that.- "Vincent!"
I hear wood creak, break. I hear footsteps. Get up, Vincent, get up! I can barely move. I don't understand why…! What's going on? I don't want to get chained up again… Not to that table. Not again. I swing and thrash to try to keep Him away. I don't want the pain anymore! I want that dream with the beautiful girl and the gruff man. I want the dream with the little kid who had eyes that chased away nightmares… I want to dream that again, I liked that world. It was good to me, even if I was too stupid all the time to see it.
…
Please.
…
Hands on my back, cold hands. Different cold, though. A gentle cold compared to my skin. I hear that voice again.
…Cid.
His name is Cid. The other voice is… Tifa's.
I'm not there. It was a dream. A dream. Thank goodness. An explosion of relief washes over my body and I slump back to the ground. I don't care about anything for now, just not being there.
Without the guilt burning my chest, without the tubes and needles and terror.
Did you see, Lucrecia? Did you care that I've avenged what was done to you? I know I couldn't stop it. I know. But it'll never happen again. I gave your son peace and a future to all kids out there. Did you see?
Did you care?
No, I guess you didn't. Otherwise you would have been there the second time we came to the cave.
I'm out of your life, and you're out of mine. It's a good feeling to realize this, you know? It hurts, but it's also a releasing feeling; like it's behind me somehow. The two people whose names elude me continue talking franticly. I wonder what's wrong? They mention the word 'doctor' which startles me. I don't remember why.
I think I'm being lifted me up. They put me somewhere soft. It's so much more comfortable than wherever I was until now…
Madness! (re-posted to get rid of a few pesky spelling mistakes…)
First and foremost: LilTigre gave me fanart! It's so beautiful I'm going to re-work so I can put it up there, if it's ok with her! So beautiful…
Now about the story:
Could you believe this chapter originally came right after the confrontation with Cloud? That's where it was in the beginning. Then everything changed and I figured I had to have a bit more Vincent and Marlene moments and it was pushed all the way here. That's why Vincent's mentioning the 'Children, don't grow up like me'. It's a reference to the way Cloud made him feel- like he didn't want to end up like Vincent.
Considering the comments I'll get for this cautiously-posted chapter I'll post the next one on Tuesday- mostly because this chapter ends in a sucky place. ; Let me know what you feel about this.
Holy, it's so hard to write mental breakdowns in first person! Was the madness coherent? Was there order in the chaos? In other words: Did I sort of manage to pull it off? Please let me know what sort of visuals or feelings you got from this chapter.
Next chapter things are going to go 'boom!' as Vincent believes everything is lost. After that things are going to get better and then probably end. I have a few ideas for the sequel. Let's see if I can even pull it off!
Sometimes it's weird… Sometimes I feel like I'm 'in tune' with the story, and then I write with relative ease and I sort of like what comes out. Sometimes I feel like I'm just not in the right frequency with the story, and then I feel like it's super hard to write anything. Even if it's not writer's block, it's still as though my style isn't fixed yet, and wants to change with the weather. Blah.
Have you noticed that when Vincent's coherent he will not mention Lucrecia's name, and while delusional he will not mention Hojo's. I just thought it would help separate the 'present' Vincent and the 'past' Vincent. He will not mention what he fears most in either world. I tried doing that consciously.
Tiramisu, LilTigre, SilverPurity and Darknightdestiny: Thank you time and time again for the great reviews. I look forward to them every week.
I thoroughly enjoy this process- this wheel, if you will: I write a chapter, and then you guys give me another facet of it; a part, an idea or a concept that I did not see in my own writing or its implications. Then I think about it for a while and it adds just that much more next time I write…
I love it. Thanks.