I'm awake.

Again.

Holy, my head hurts. Can I not wake up, please?

No? Oh, well.

Ow.

At least I can think now. Last… night? I don't know how long I was out- Last night was pretty hectic. My mind feels spread thin, like too little butter on so much toast.

I start hearing voices in the room. Maybe if I pretend that I'm asleep enough it'll become reality. I'm drugged again, which is probably for the best. There are marbles where my brain should be. I feel like I've been flogged. My eyelids are sealed with the strongest glue, and my heart beats with heavy, weary thumps.

The voices belong to Cid, Tifa and another person I don't recognize. My battered mind takes a moment to transform fleeting syllables into words.

"--is he?" Tifa asks. She sounds concerned. I wonder what's wrong? Is she ok? There was the explosion back in Midgar… The unknown voice says,

"I think he's been dragging this for a couple of days." Is he talking about me? "This is a pretty bad fever, but we caught it in time." I don't think Tifa and Cid would call a doctor. Not after knowing how much I despise them. This is probably just a knowledgeable person. He must be. They wouldn't. Besides, I'm fine.

"He'll be fine." See?

I'm glad they're alright. I… I guess I was worried about them.

"…I think he is also dehydrated… and… suffering from PTSD"

I hear Tifa gasp. Why? What's PTSD? Is it contagious?

She was worried about me?

I'm sorry.

Cid grunts. Oh, if you are a physician, beware. Stop saying things. Stop talking. Stop reminding me of where I just escaped from. Don't talk about these things. Don't talk about me, about how weak I was. Don't ruin what I have here by shining light on the shadows behind me.

"Alterations were made to his body… Forcefully, if you know what I mean… I'm not sure he's… entirely human anymore."

This man is a physician, isn't he? Holy, just let me die. No, just let me have the strength to kill him. I like this place. Don't take it away from me.

Please.

"Were you aware of this? Did this happen recently?"

"No!" Tifa exclaims on both questions. She sounds vastly distraught. Great, you idiot- like she didn't have enough worries already!

"I think he's up." Cid says. My grimace probably alerted him. I don't want to open my eyes. I don't want to see what they will look at me with.

I force my eyes open anyway. There's no use.

I don't want to see fear or pity in their eyes.

Worse case scenario I leave here tonight. I can make myself disappear. They'll never find me. I will run away to the farthest ends of the Planet- I'll build a house in the snow and find a living fishing and clubbing baby seals to ease my fury.

Tifa has worry etched unto her charming features. Cid is biting down on an unlit cigarette. The third person is dressed like a doctor. I hate him.

I don't care how chubby he is, I will always see that gaunt, speckled face when I see a lab coat. Holy, get him away from me!

"Get out." I tell him. Maybe 'tell' isn't the right word; it turned out more like a growl.

"Sir, you shouldn't-"

"Get out!" I bark at him, half raising from the bed.

'Never gets mad', Tifa? Allow me a display of wrath. My life is crumbling around me. Can I be thrown any lower?

The physician exchanges looks with Tifa and Cid. Don't look at them- just leave! Leave before you get any ideas. Tifa nods once and he closes the door behind him. I sit up fully.

No, I don't care that you're hurt, body, I really don't.

I'm so tired of everything. Tired of being tossed around like my opinion doesn't matter.

I'm tired, tired, tired of people playing with my life, telling me where to go and what to be.

Sick.

Of.

It.

Let me, for once in my life, take control. It will start now. I will make it as clear as possible, and then I will probably leave.

The doctor will be back. I need to get a head start.

I glare at both of them without actually seeing them; I'm too angry.

First I stare at one and then at the other. They know how much I hate doctors. They're fully aware of it. I've made it quite clear. I don't have this body out of my own free will. I'm sure even the stupidest of Avalanche could imagine how I got it. Their wildest, darkest imagination cannot compare to what it was like. Hojo did not only rip humanity from me, but also my dignity. He has ripped the very possibility of friendship from me, and I'm helpless before his powers.

I feel the events of the last while running through the feebly reconstructing corridors of my self-esteem and knocking down the walls like an unruly child. I broke down. I cried. I lost my dignity, my strength, my time. I can still feel my defeat in my eyes- that sticky, swollen feeling you get when you cry, the bad taste in my mouth. They probably know.

They can see. It's all their fault. If they had just left me in the coffin, if they did not make me want to become something more than I am… I would not be feeling like this!

The Vincent approach glare works on Tifa, as I see her almost visibly shrink before my fury, but it never works on Cid.

"What's your problem?" He asks defensively. Tifa's just staring at me. She's scared; I don't blame her. I'm mad at you, Tifa and Cid. I don't know why you would betray me. I really don't. I thought…

I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but I don't, of course.

I imagine I'm hurting myself sitting up. I can feel every cell in my body protesting, but I'm done being weak in front of them. Look where it got me- deceived twice over. I feel my lungs protest as I breathe. I can't tell if it's pure anger doing this, or a symptom of this affliction.

What's my problem? I guess I could spell it out for them, but I know I'm too furious to say what I mean. I'm too livid not to say things I might regret.

"Oh, no you don't." Cid scowls back at me- Like I might have offended him. "You're not retreating into your #&$#ing shell after scaring that poor guy half to death. You're talking if I have to wring it out of you"

Tifa tries to protest, but Cid stops her.

"We woke that guy up at 5am and rushed him here, Tifa! He was doing us a favor! He had no right to yell at him like that"

"No right!" I find myself retorting. I'm sorry, but I can't just sit here and take it! I'm sick of people telling me what I should do, where I should go, what I should feel. My voice is cracking. Everything hurts.

"No right? You had no right calling him here." I'm practically talking through clenched teeth. A part of me wants to shut up, but my anger is too much. I'm afraid I'll say too much.

Why do people always have to leave? Why am I always the one left behind, betrayed?

Why?

…Mother…
…Brother…
…Aleonde…
…Lucrecia…

But what do I have to lose at this point?

"It does not matter how bad my condition was. I do not care if I was dying. People of that profession sicken me with their hypocrisy. They'll heal you one day and kill you the next!"

I'm shaking and I'm scared. So scared of that table, and those needles and those smells. You have no idea…Hide behind your anger, Vincent, that's what you always do. Cid says,

"Those are strong words coming from a #&$#ing Turk."

Insufferable man! You're just adding insult to injury. What do my years as a Turk have to do with anything? He continues,

"We ain't exactly good friends with the Turks, you know? They tried to kill us more than once! From what I hear they kidnapped the flower girl and delivered her to Hojo! They brought down the Sector Seven plate- killed hundreds- you think we like the Turks? Do we want anything to do with them? No! But you don't see us judging you 'cause of what they did!"

I'm stumped for a retort there, Cid. You're right; and I hate you for it. But I'm still angry. It's not the same. It's not. I did not take enjoyment from their deaths; I did not torture them just to see them squirm. I did not do it for my own direct gain. It's not the same.

But you don't understand-

"What?" Cid bellows with obvious frustration, "Don't just think it- say it, you lousy recluse!"

"You don't understand!" I almost yell, and cringe because I need to explain myself now. I lost! I gave in to tears and to the pain! I'm not strong like Tifa- I'm a disappointment! It is my fault I am put in these situations. It is my weakness that made it possible then or now. I was not even able to go and check on them in Midgar. What if something had happened to them? I would be…devastated.

I want to be with you, guys. I don't want to be left alone.

If Tifa finds out she'll turn away because I'm not as strong as she wanted me to be. I've got nothing… The doctor will come back with others of his type and they'll make my nightmare a reality. They shall bring me to hell on earth and never let go until my soul has departed, and then hell itself will seem like a welcomed reprieve.

"You don't understand."

There's a moment of silence, then Cid growls,

"Then tell us, you idiot. We can't read your &ing mind, ya know."

I cover my face with my good hand to try and stop the shaking in my body, to calm my nerves. I don't want to show them that I'm shaking, or that I'm terrified. I don't want them to see the coward, "They'll tear me limb from limb to find out what he did." I manage to control my voice a little better for this next part. "I'm not strong enough to fight it again. I'm not." Take in a deep breath, Vincent, don't let your voice shake so much. "They'll take away my freedom and what's left of my humanity. They'll dissect me like I was nothing more than a monster…" Inhale slowly, don't hiccup. "Never- I never want that again." There. I said it. Turn away if you want. You can look down at me if you want.

I've lost everything, now I've lost my home, too.

Home? Did I just call it home? I guess it was. 'You only know something's worth when you lose it' as Aleonde used to say. I enjoyed staying on the Highwind. I enjoyed spending time with Tifa. I can even tolerate Cid these days.

I'm relieved to be away from the dream- this world had the potential to be good to me. It really did! I blew it. I wanted to dare dream that I'll be able to rebuild, I wanted to believe that I can keep Tifa and Cid from finding out who I really am and what I've been through.

I'm sort of glad I said it. I'm glad I don't have it over my head anymore. I don't need to worry about it anymore. Like the bullet through the chest: whatever happens now, at least they know the truth.

A part of my brains is still crying, begging that whatever happens, they will not turn away. They will not leave me

"We…" Tifa starts. I'm afraid of what she might say. "But we'll protect you"

They'll… protect… me?

I lower my hand and slowly turn to stare at her.

Re-uploaded with (hopefully) fixed formatting and less italics. Yay!

Ok, guys- you got 4 pages today! I hope you are pleased with the result. Part one of Catharsis is what you get.

Are we getting a sort of released feeling? I want Vincent to be sort of 'let off steam'. Letting go of fears or facing them. They say that when it rains it pours, right? Poor Vince.

The words "We'll protect you" should show in Vincent something he has never considered- that he can rely on other people. He never really has until now.

Aleonde, by the by, was (in my world) his old leader in the Turks. Their relationship was a peculiar one. Vincent viewed him as a sort of father figure, and Aleonde enjoyed teasing Vincent and was secretly very proud of Vincent's intelligence and sharp wit. He was the first person to really give Vincent a chance and try and help him. Whether he died or not I leave to the sequel, since I was thinking of talking about Vincent's past in a different way than popularly portrayed.

My question for you in this chapter is: Are the italics working? Should I keep making things slanted? Are we getting different intonations from it? Different emphasis? Would the story be any different without them? Please let me know what you think.

SilverPurity and Myhi mentioned that the continuity is a little off here. Yeah, I guess it can come off like that.
A tough thing I have yet to find my way around is that when Vincent's out of it, I can't write what happens! It was hard enough to squeeze in the part where he's lifted onto the bed and keeping it believable and… well… sufficiently crazy. So I wasn't sure how to get a dazed walk to his room and all that in. I mean, at the end of the last chapter he's already woozy and disoriented.
Any ideas on how to pull that off? Please let me know so I might make things flow nicer next time I have him go mad in first person. Heheheh…
Don't worry- he's done being kooky in this story. :)

That it for now from yours truly. Please keep the comments coming- I'm learning so much every time! Loose and lose- English is so mind-boggling sometimes!

Hope you enjoyed the chapter and look forward to Catharsis, Part 2 on Saturday!

LunarBlade.