Her eyes are large and beautiful and so honest. There's steel behind the roses in those eyes, though. I think she means it.

They'll protect… me?

What is she saying? They can't- they won't.

"I don't want, nor need your protection." I measure each word. I want you people to understand me. I'm not that feeble; I'm not to be pitied. Don't look down at me. I don't want this. I want you to think I'm so cold that I'm impenetrable. I want the conversation to end. I want to go away.

Don't look down at me.

"Oh, for #&$#'s sake!"

…!

Next thing I know I'm slammed against the headboard.

Cid has me by the collar and very nearly tossed me into the headboard. If I look half as surprised as I feel, my eyes are practically popping out. My ribs are protesting at the rough treatment, but I'm too stunned to speak. Has he gone mad?

"Cid!" Tifa yelps. He ignores her, his fury very much only on me.

"Listen, you stupid sunova- I don't give a rat's ass what you think you want or don't want." He's talking an inch from my face, and all I can do is stare at him. His bright eyes somehow managing to hold mine captive.

It takes a lot for me to be intimidated by another person, but he's pulling it off flawlessly. I hope he doesn't hit me- He looks seriously infuriated.

"We were worried sick about your anorectic ass! You were half dead, for Holy's sake! You were running a fever that'll make Flare look like nothin', and I know you haven't eaten anything!" Oops. "You were running a fever of 111, ok? Do you think I gave a flying #&$#ing shit about what you wanted, you selfish bastard!"

I blink at him, shame slowly creeping into my heart, fighting off anger. Don't go, anger! Don't leave me alone with humiliation. Cid tightens his grip on the collar of my shirt- his shirt.

"If you want to die that's your #&$#ing prerogative-" I wasn't aware he even knew that word. "-Just don't go makin' friends before hand! We'll care about your #&$#ing coat-hanger-for-bones-ass even if you don't!" He's getting pretty creative with those insults. I'm only a little offended, but I am impressed. At least the part of me that isn't worried about getting clobbered is.

Tifa's standing right behind him; I can barely make her out from behind Cid's ear. One of her hands is towards his shoulder, as though ready to stop him if he went too far. I believe she agrees with everything he said or she would have stopped him by now. Cid draws in a breath.
Oh, he's not finished? I find myself cringing.

"I also don't care what the hell was done to you- No, I do, but- We killed Hojo! There's nothin' we can #&$#ing do now. All you gotta do is cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it! Knowing what he did to you just makes me wish you would have #&$#ing told us earlier! That way we'd have stabbed him a few more times for shits and giggles!" This next part he practically screams in my face, "'Cause we're friends, you tragedy lovin', noodle-brained, ass-faced, self-centered asshole! And that's what friends do!" He lets go of me then. I slide down.

Ow.

I'm… I'm humbled. Startled and a little affronted, but humbled.

…Noodle brain…?

I want to retort. I want to say something awfully clever that'll let me save face for my prior outburst. But I find nothing to say, and my mouth opens and closes stupidly.

Oddly enough, I feel as though a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I don't dwell on it- I'm sure it'll pass and I'll feel very bad very soon.

"Why didn't you say anything if you weren't feeling well?" She asks, real concern in her voice and expression. Isn't she afraid I'll scorn her open emotions? I guess she doesn't. I guess even if I do she won't change. I guess that's real courage. Something I could never do- be true to my emotions no matter other people's reactions. Always went with the easy path of apathy.

"I did not think it was that bad."

I deliberately move my attention to the post of the bed. I'm still slumped half on the headboard; I've no energy to move much anymore. Anger's wake had left me drained and pain robbed me of my fervor.

"No shit, Sherlock." Cid says. I dare a glare at him, but I must continue painfully,

"Besides, why should I have mentioned it?" I'm not so spoiled that I would need to whine about every ailment that I feel.

"Because we're your friends!" Tifa exclaims, falling to her knees by the bed, and grabbing my hand. I assume she does it out of impulse, because she holds my hand so tightly.

I refuse to move my attention from the bedpost. She's so compassionate…

"Look at us, you asshole." Cid demands.

I guess he was worried too. I guess I was being an ass. I guess we have become friends even through everything, even though I did anything in my power not to get hurt again.

I feel so happy that they're still here…! A small part in the back of my brain is yelling that this is really good, and that I am happy.

Right now having them here… doesn't hurt. It feels warm. It feels pleasant. They're not causing me grief right now via our friendship… and maybe… that's what it's all about? Maybe they were there for me all along but I was too self-involved to see it?

I look at them: first at Cid, then cautiously at Tifa. Her eyes are like a mirror of liquid. Well, I had all this mess coming and, as usual, deserve all that I bring upon myself.

Holy, my heart is a maelstrom of emotions, swirling and creating whirlwinds as they crash and fight each other. Humiliation, relief, pain, joy, anger, hope, fear…

Let hope win over fear,

Let joy chase the humiliation,

Let relief wash away pain…

Please.

Let me dream.

Let me dream and never wake up from a world where I have something, where I feel like I belong.

Please.

She's still holding my hand, grasping at my fingers and the bandages. I don't pull away. My muscles don't tense.

For the first time in a very long time. I want to try. I want to dare!
Her eyes are searching my face for something. I can see my reflection in them. I look ill. With all that I'm feeling… even I can't find emotion on that face. Can they? I am a cold bastard, aren't I? I'm afraid that if I try making an expression, I'll make the wrong one. Is that even possible?

"I'm sorry, Tifa." I murmur. I meant to say it with conviction, but that's how it turned out. I want to bury myself under the earth and not come out until the Lifestream itself spits me out.

"What are you apologizing for now?" She's half-chuckling and a single tear runs down her face. I follow it with my eyes. It seems to say "your fault" on it. "You're never a burden, Vincent. You're our friend. We care about you and we were worried about you." It still hurts to hear it, though.

"Even if you don't give a flying #&$# about anything." Cid chimes in.

"It's not like that." I mutter, again with less force than I mean. "I'm just not… I just don't know how…" It's not like me to stutter like this. "Just not used to being…"

"Human?" Cid raises an eyebrow.

I thought only I could do that thing with the eyebrow. Copycat.
I look away. What can I say to that? I don't know how to… 'interact'. Stupid Cid.

Yes, "I've lost." I've lost the battle against my pain. I've lost the battle against these two.

Tifa tilts her head just so, still peering into my face. I like the way you look at me. I love it. Don't know why.

"What did you lose?" She asks.

"Everything." Say more! Say what you mean, Vincent! I want to tell you, Tifa, but I don't. I don't know how to line up the words and they just stop right behind my tongue. I can't say them. I'm too scared.

"But isn't it a little like Midgar? Midgar's lost. It's in ruins now- but there are people there- they're trying to help; they're lifting stuff from the wreckage. Just because Midgar lost once, does that mean it's gone for good? It's barren now, but with work- with support from people who care- won't it be alive and sturdy again?"

When did she become so wise?

She's right. I hope she's right. I hope there's something in me to revive. I want someone to care enough to want to help me. I want to believe it.

I think I need help.

I think I need to get myself sorted out. This… Isn't… 'normal', is it? Maybe I have whatever that Doctor said? PTSD?

Now I remember… Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We used to call it 'Shell Shock'.

As I ponder this I discover an additional spike beside my foot. I wiggle my ankle. It's there…! My boot… I can walk again.

I wonder vaguely if it's symbolic, if I'm whole now, but I know it's not as simple. My heart will take a lot more mending than this to make me whole.

I guess Cid had repaired it while I was out. Nice of him. I guess they cared for me while my head was too far up my own ass to notice. Nice of them.

Look at my hands. Look at them. One of metal and one of flesh. Half man, half something else. A hitman who reads poetry, a hopeless romantic stuck in a realist's mind. A fatalist with hope for life.

'They're both yours' Marlene had said. Whichever one I use it's still me, isn't it? If I kill with my flesh hand or heal with my claw, it's still me doing it. I've never looked at it that way.

So… If it's all me… What am I? Half past, half present? Can I be whole again? Can I- do I have the right to try and grasp a portion of the world as my own? Does the tin-man get a heart in the end? Even he had to struggle to find it. My brother used to say 'If it didn't hurt, you didn't learn'.

There's light coming into my room from the window. I think it's not long after dawn.

There's something I want to try.

I gesture for my cape- draped over a chair that had been brought into my room. I try not to think of the doctor. I'm safe. I have to believe it, because I can't believe they are bad people who just promise things. I have to believe it. I want to.

I'm safe.

I feel myself falling asleep again. Good, I'm still not used to feeling so much or so strongly. I'd rather sleep on it than face it.

A perplexed Tifa brings me my cape and I clumsily fish through it until I find what I am looking for. As they stare with astonishment all over their faces, I break a piece of chocolate from the bar and toss it into my mouth.

It melts immediately.

Holy.

I love chocolate. It's just as good as I remember it and more. It's sweet and creamy and makes me want to smile. I give Tifa the rest. They can have it; I got what I was looking for…

Caring… is also as sweet? Is it as great as I remember it?

The only way to know is to try.

I feel the last of my wits leave me, but the sweet taste, and the knowledge that my friends are here accompanies me into slumber.

What do you think?

Another 4 pages and another chapter towards the ending. As things are going now this is the last but one chapter! Seems like next chapter is going to be the last one! Oh no's! I was considering adding an Epilogue, but I think it will bereally unnecessary. After next chapter let me know. It's probably going to be next Saturday, as I want extra time to make sure I get it right. Hopefully I will be able to finish this story well!

Well, about PTSD… Let's just say I've had the chance to see it first hand.

I wanted the name of the story to be something that had 'steps' in the name, because each chapter is supposed to be like a step towards change. Each chapter is supposed to be one step. I dropped that idea and now I'm wondering if I did right. It also didn't help that I could not come up with a good name for the life of me. The story went through, like, 3 different names before I just randomly chose 'Dark Outside' 'cause of Marlene.

Here is a link to LilTigre's deviantArt so you can see the awesome art she drew for me! Thanks LilTigre!
Http/ liltigre . deviantart . com

Thanks for the comments about Italics. I've started using them in a more selective manner. If I hadn't already- I'll re-update the last chapter with fixed formatting and less italics when lets me upload .doc files! Grrr…

Oh, one more thing; I was thinking if the story gets to 300 reviews I'll do something special for you reviewers, but I don't know what. I was thinking I'll take on a writing dare or something, but I don't know what will make people happy.
I want to make the you guys happy because you took the time to help me and make me happy, you know? Please let me know what will be a good idea if I get 300 reviews?

See you next Saturday with what could be the last chapter of Dark Outside!

"Bide your time and hold out hope",
LunarBlade.