I woke up again early in the morning, around nine. Those damn dogs. They never know when to shut up. I was so tired that I could barely stand. But when I tried to go back to sleep I just couldn't, so I sat on the bench to think things over for a while.
Last night The Man had given me a bigger baggie than when I pay with money. I had been careful not to use all of it so that I would have some for today. Even in my miserable state I knew that they way I paid for the smack last night was wrong. And it sort of felt… degrading. Memories came back from years before when I went with Benny from time to time. Do the same things and even more for him. But not for drugs. For other things that I needed. Like a warm coat, new make-up or lingerie for work, a meal. Or maybe even just to feel loved and wanted. Even if just for a night.
That was of course until I found Roger. From the minute I saw him out on his fire escape with his guitar I knew I had to meet him. So when our power was shut off on Christmas Eve last year went and knocked on his and Mark's door. I was half telling the truth and half making up an excuse just to meet him when I told him I needed my candle lit and asked if he would light it for me. That night I walked out feeling hopeful and excited. Maybe this time I would have a real relationship. With someone who wanted to be with me for me and not just the way I look. Of course looks were probably always a part of it anyway. And I had found that. But I ruined it. It lasted only a few months, and they were some of my most happiest months ever. But Roger being an ex-junkie himself defiantly didn't approve of my drug addiction. But the breaking point was when I spent some time with Benny, this time it wasn't even a big deal. Roger found out and got so mad at me. I miss what we had.
I remember my boss from the Cat Scratch telling me what Benny had said about Roger being back. I wanted to see him very badly, and I missed him like nothing else. But like Benny, I couldn't stand to think of his disappointed looks he would give me that would be a guarantee when I saw him. And even if I did go back and got back together with Roger it probably wouldn't last. The way I had been going with the horse the past few days there is no way I could easily forget about it. I would sneak around and steal money from all my friends just to satisfy my selfish needs.
I can't even stand to think of what they all think of me now anyways. Roger, Mark, Collins, Joanne, and Maureen. Who knows if they would even want to be my friends anymore. Who knows if Roger would even want me back.
The rest of the day I shot up and sat on my bench. Again I was so high and so happy. You can't just forget all your pain with anything. You needed something special. Like this junk I was using right now.
All night the only thing I could think about again was Roger. I love him. I love him with all of my heart. If only he could just tell me he loves me. I am pretty sure that he does, but if he could just tell me. I know that an old girlfriend of his, April, killed herself. And that that event has made him tread slowly when it comes to love, but I wish that I was enough. That I was good enough to bring him out of the so called coma he has been living in. I wish that I was enough inspiration for him to right one last song. One last song of glory. I know that to do that is something he wishes for.
The last thing I wish is that it would all end. How much longer can I really have? If I can't have the things that I want, except for the things that just hurt me In the long run, then I just don't see what the point of going on is. I need another hit.
A/N: Thank you for reading! But you guys are sort of slacking on reviews… Make me happy : ) Peace out lovahhhs.