Welcome to my land of chaos. You have entered and there is no going back now that you've come.

Story told in a Wizarding nail salon.

I was walking around one day on my usual quest to find the answer to nuclear physics when I stumbled across something very interesting in a history book, which was ironic considering that I was looking for a science answer. Voldy's favorite food happens to be the magically delicious Lucky Charms. It was terribly unfortunate for him because I know how to charm Lucky Charms which is considerably easy considering that… well…. you know… they're Lucky Charms. So, putting all that aside, I finally found out that no one in the magical kingdom knows how to do nuclear physics except Dumbledore and he's… a bit stressed… being "dead" and all. I sighed and walked out of the library and went on a quest to find the magical Lucky Charms. Thank God I'm a mudblood… that's at least the one thing that we have in common, Voldy and I. We're the few and the proud who know what Lucky Charms are. I decided that this was a good time for chaos and escaped off of the Hogwarts campus.

Really, they should make it harder… this is what? The billionth time I've gotten off campus without anyone noticing me? Naturally everyone was looking for me, but I really didn't care. Prof. McGonagall was supposed to be watching us, but hey! If she can't keep track of the "Golden Trio" as those idiot fans like to call us, then nuts to her. No, I really like McGonagall, but really, the old girl is losing her touch… even though she's the headmistress… y'know, she really hasn't been the same since those buttmunchers hit her with those stunning spells.

Anywho, I snuck off campus and went into the nearest grocers and it wasn't very useful. I decided that being the fabulous seventeen year old that I am, to go to America… Why? I have no idea… just kinda popped in there… so I flew… y'know with a broomstick and all… because I don't like apparating over long distances, that's why. I fell into the ocean a couple of times… the Atlantic is cold in the spring. So I had to use drying spells and that did nothing for my hair. But uh… so then I walked into the closest liquor mart and wouldn't you know it? The age requirements in America are different… 21! Ugg! I couldn't even get a bottle of brandy and heavens knows I needed it after falling into that freezing water like… five times… BUT they did sell Lucky Charms… how does that work? I can get a box of Lucky Charms in a liquor store and not liquor! The world has gone mad… I really have no idea why I went to America… It seemed like a good idea at the time.

So I fly back… I told you! I don't like apparating over long distances… it makes me nervous… I might end up with body parts in… like… France or something… and who wants to be in France?

So I come back. I had a spendiforus charm to work on… and I did… and I came up with amazing exploding marshmallows. It was incredible. So Voldy, because he's so special, keeps coming up with these "Oh-so-creative" ways of capturing us. This time, he decided to plant portkeys all over his special little fun house while we were looking for a Horcrux so we kept landing in dorky places like… oh… Hogshead and because he can't come up with any thing different the Shrieking Shack and once we got sent to like… Mongolia… no… it was the Himalayans… the Abominable Snowman was there… nice guy actually… gave us bunny slippers… so anyway… as if that slowed us down. I mean, it's like the guy has never even heard of apparating. I mean, he's like… "The Dark Lord" and the Mastermind of Evil and all that jazz… but really, Voldy is a few tacos short of a combo platter… a few bricks short of a load… the lights are on upstairs, but nobody's home… you get the idea.

I wanted red… this looks pink.

So we apparate back, and the dude is flipping out and cursing at us and stuff… I dunno how many times he said the death curse, but the man does not have very good aim… he's like… only good at short range. I really couldn't say why he's so feared… get twenty feet away from him and there is no way he can hit you. So anyway, about an hour of all this back and forth cursing and hexing… oh! That's the other thing, Voldy can't hex worth beans. He can curse like a drunken sailor, but he can't hex... throws a decent Crucios actually… hmm… but he can't hex… Ginny had bats flying around his head for ten minutes before he finally found the anti-charm.

So I'm sitting there waiting for Ron to come back from Timbuktu because he stupidly grabbed an African mask off of the wall to throw at Old Snake Face and went portkeying to Africa. So I'm waiting behind a statue of… someone or other and I'm like… what I wouldn't do for a bowl of MY magically delicious bowl of Lucky Charms… and then I'm like… DUH ACCIO you idiot! After forcing yourself to learn that dumb charm by yourself you can't even use it… so I said the charm and there came MY magical Lucky Charms. And they're floating through the air and Voldy catches a glance at them and starts drooling. He's completely dazed watching the Lucky Charms pass his face and then he watches where they go to and I think to myself "Oh CRUD! Now he's going to find out where I'm hiding! I better had move," but it was too late.

So there was Voldy… I've never seen a man so pitiful before. He's standing there like a puppy begging for just a bite of Lucky Charms. And I'm thinking, "This guy is pathetic! He's supposed to be like… the most powerful Wizard ever and I have him at my very fingertips and command with a bowl of Lucky Charms… so sad," so he starts hissing at me with his stupid language thing and I'm like, "Oh please, you don't scare me," and conjure up some milk and pour it in.

It crackles a little, but I know that's just the way lucky charms are, because they won't explode until they hit his stomach and start digesting … Because my charms are so cool that way. And like some sort of merciful mothers, I beam down at him in this kind of smile at his pitiful stature… he's like… kneeling before me with his hands folded, begging like a dog!... So I give the bowl to him and he scarfs them down like there's no tomorrow… well, there isn't for him.

Just as I'm handing him another bowl, his poor little tummy starts rumbling and I'm like "OH CRAP! HIT THE DECK EVERY ONE!" and I run for cover behind some furniture. Ron returns from Timbuktu just as Voldy spontaneously combusts. It was nasty!

And that's how I defeated Voldy… oh stop cringing… the dude is dead already…