Told in a Russian Wizarding Saloon (as they say in real estate: location, location, location!)

I think I'm drunk… but sure! I'll tell ye what happened. More vvvvodkaaaa So there we were… waiting at school for something to happen… Hermione was missing again… that girl… for someone so intent on not breaking the rules she's even more of a rule breaker than we are.

So like McDoogals… sorry… I'm drunk… McDonald's… Mcglonagal… dang! McGonnagol… McGonagall! There! That's a mouthful. Is going crazy like "Aaaaaa! Aaaaaa! Where is that giiiirrrrl! Aaaaaah! Must protect the students! AAAAAAAAH!" Honesthly, I think she went a li'l loopy after Dumbledore died… She's still like "AAAAAAH! AAAAAAH!" And Harry and I are watching her run up and down this one corridor doing that like Crud man… this is stupid. See, she's stupposed to be watching us like… twenty four seven… really annoying. So we have to follow her around and stuff and sleep in this like… charmed room and stuff… very strange…

And then Airy sees Her-my-own flying back on a broom stick and she's all wet and we are all wondering why… and I'm like what the crud is she doing on a broom? She gets back and is all like "I don't want to end up in France…" yeah, I have noooo idea… but she's right… no one wants to end up with those frogs…

She's fine and back in her room and everything is yust spiffy until night fall. In the middle of the night, Hairy's all thrashing around going "My blue blankie! Gimmie my blue blankie! Aaaaaaaah!"

Oh! sorry abouth that… more vodka! No, I have not had enough.

And I'm going "Haaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrryy, what the bloody heck is going on?"

… Thank you! No! Never mind! Gimme the whole bottle! Drinks all around!... sorry about that shirt…

And he smacks me in the nose and keeps screaming about his blue blankie. Then he wakes up and I'm like, What the hell was that? and he's all "uuuuuuh… ummm… it was…. uh Vol…demort… yeah, that's it Voldemort… and he ummmm…. he's… in the uuuhhh Riddle Manor yeah… yeah… in the Riddle Manor…" I'm like, "Mate, you were saying something about a blue blankie… what was that?" He began pouting, "Are you going to believe me or not? After all, I'm the only poor little boy in the whole wide world whose parents have died and I'm the one with the scar on my head and no one else has to go through the eternal agony that I have to go through!" and I can see the big fat crocodile tears welling up in his eyes and I'm thinking, "oh no, not another temper tantrum" which drag on for forever so I'm like "fine."

We sneak out of our charmed room… not very charmed I suppose… yeah, I thought that was weird too… and go into Hermione's and Ginny's charmed room which is even weirder because it was supposed to be protective of anyone not Hermione, Ginny or of course McGone-again… Mc Glontagal… McGonagall!... Ginny is in there because for some stupid reason, Micky-G decided that my liddle sister had to be in the same room with her to keep her company or something. I wake up Hermy and tell her what Potter said and she's like "I need some Lucky Charms," I'm going look girl, you don't need charms, you need some coffee.

I can tell that Harry is getting sulky again so we depart from the castle after getting on the invisibility cloak… y'know… it's funny that McGlonagal hasn't found it and taken it away from us yet. Anywho so we go to the excellent Riddle Manor and there's this strange green glow thing going on inside. I'm going "This is a baaaad idea…" but we go in anywho.

And there Voldy is and he's going grrrr grrr grrrr… like foaming at the mouth or something. And there are all his special death eater things like, "Roar! How dare you enter our secret head quarters! Die rebel scum! Blah! You are so inferior! Aaaaaaa! Weasleys! You are so poor and we are so rich! Your family is so pointless! Gaaaaa! Granger! You are such a Mudblood! We are so pure-bloods! Potter! You are so unmagical and stupid! Your parents are so dead and we so killed them!"

Ugg! Tell us something we didn't know… but Potter took the bait anyway he runs at them crying and screaming like, "Waaaaaaaa! waaaaaaa! You killed my paaaaaaarents! Waaaaaa!" Hermione and I look at each other and just roll our eyes like "here we go again," And then something catches Hairy's eye. He's like, "My bllllllllllaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!" Yeah so there Voldy is holding a blue blanket in his hand. I tried my hardest not to laugh. Harry rushes at him like "MY BLANKIE!" and Voldemort starts hissing at him and Harry hisses back. And then all the death eaters are like "Grrrrrowl!" and attack.

So there are spells flying everywhere. It was fun… but the most fun was when we found the portkeys that were everywhere… like we would touch a desk and it would be a portkey or brush against something and it would be a portkey. Stoopid porkeets.

Then I found myself in front of Voldymoret himselft who had these bats flying all around his head. Good shot Ginny… speaking of a good shot of Ginny… can I get a good shot of gin? When the bats stopped he pointed at me like, "You! Roar!" and he started like throwing all these curses at me and stuff. He was only like ten feet away… I dunno what his problem was, but he kept missing. So He backs me up against a wall where there is this sweet African mask and I'm like duuuude… so I pick it up to throw at him and…

I can hold my licker juuuuuuus' swell!

Sure! I go flying to Timbucktoo. Literally. It was really hot. and there were these people in the screaming at me all around. I think I landed in the middle of some street or something. I waz like "What the crud is this!" So I pick the mask back up and get back jus' in time to see him towering over Hermione and I'm like "Nooooo! you can' hurt my potential fiancé! So I hit him with like 'Voldemortus explodicus" and he exploderated.

Anti-climadic I know but that'sa way it was… I killed Woldermort and I'm here to sellerbrate… now dooI get another drink'er not?

He said as he passed out.

(All spellings and grammar errors are intentional. The man is scathingly drunk.)

(P.S. If you can't understand what he's saying half of the time, try to read it out loud as if you were seriously drunk… I find it works… and do understand, I hold dear McGonagall in the highest regard.)