Told at an out-of-date French Wizarding Philosophical Salon (Go AP European History childrens!) In a very upper class and deeply Aristo and most certainly Fopish Accent.
Why yes, thank you how kind of you to ask… no I'm not a Frenchy, how on earth could you not tell? Good Heavens! Where am I? In FRANCE! You MUST be kidding me… stupid portkeys… just what I get for collecting souvenirs… no… not "to remember" you frog-eating… no, no! Don't kick me out! I'll be good! Crush that infamous thing! Ha ha ha! No no wait! I'll be good, honest! Honest, I will! Philosophy, eh? I have some Philosophy myself… Lockhart? What the devil are you doing here?... huh? Sent you to France, eh? The Frenchies don't need any more idiot… No no! I'll be good! Stop! Argh! Fine! I'll discuss! I'll discuss!
I totally disagree… you see the definition of evil is most certainly definite… I destroyed evil once… is that brandy? Not too long ago, actually. Thank you. Yes… Voldemort… heard about him then, eh? Well, yes, I killed him… Well, you needn't all look so shocked… you should see all of your faces… Really? Well then, I'll tell you.
It all started one lazy afternoon at Hogwarts… dashed… that sounds far too flowery… no… it wasn't at all lazy… Dear Professor McGonagall made us all come back to the school. I didn't like it… not at all… it was not good for me really, but she insisted that it was the only place that was safe. I could have killed her, but she was too close to Dumbledore and I couldn't very well defy him, even if he is dead. So McGonagall was in quite a tizzy, the poor girl. She seemed quite beside herself in worry. It seems that Hermione ran off again. Quite the rule breaker, she is. Ha ha! I should tell you, she thought the worst of it first year, but when she discovered the thrill of it, she became more of a rule breaker than both Ronny and I. Poor McGonagall was quite put out. So Ronny and I were watching her run up and down the halls searching for the lass. It seems she ran though a sight good patch of bad luck for she was not to be found.
No, Hermione was in no way in deep mental anguish over her parents being Muggles… No "philosophically speaking"… it wasn't the good in her that made her leave… No! She was not being oppressed for being a woman or a witch!... Well, why the devil should I know? Stop interrupting you French huss… alright, alright! I'll be good!
So Hermione ran off. She came back simply drenched to the bones. I asked her, "Hermione! What is the meaning of this?" she smiled at Ronny and I and says, "I don't want to end up in Fran… Franc…Francisco… San Francisco… America…" Yes, that's right, "I don't want to end up in San Francisco, America" Yes, yes I know… Americans… demmed lot aren't they? (And a great sight better than you all)… What? No… um… I'll be good I'll be good!
Anyway, I was deep asleep that night. I had gone to sleep early. I needed my beauty sleep after all. Ahh, the price of vanity. But there was something amiss. That night I had a very disturbing dream, as I usually do without a good firewhiskey to clear my mind so that that devil Voldemort can't get in up here… No, I don't like it when people in power try to take over my brain… Huh? Well, maybe here in France… What? No, I didn't say anything… And In this dream, they had taken something very valuable to me. They had taken it away and they were going to shred it if I didn't come get it. What was it?... Why it was my blue bl… I mean… umm… umm… important… documents… and uh… pic…tures of my parents and Ginny. Lord, Love you! You are an inquisitive lot aren't you?
Ginny is my very lovely fiancé. No, she isn't an alcoholic beverage! Here, I have a picture… Dreamy isn't she? Opps! Not that one… I took that one and it keeps trying to seduce me… no, I didn't charm it to do that… Here. Gorgeous, no? Yes, I thought so, too…
So anyway, I wake up and wake up Ronny who is, quite comically, drooling everywhere. He insists it was he who woke me up, but that is simply not true. I vividly remember having to punch him in the nose to get him up. Must have hurt dreadfully, I daresay.
In my dream, they were in the Riddle Manor, so I tell Ronny this. He strangely doesn't believe me. He rolls his eyes and I remind him ever so courteously that it is I who Voldy would speak through and transmit dreams and such since it was my parents whom he killed. He was the epitome of rudeness. He rolled his eyes again and even yawned during my speech! The nerve! Ronny boy has no finesse around girls. He rudely shakes Hermione awake. I prefer a more subtle approach. I kissed my Ginny awake. I do declare, she just cannot resist my charm. She pushed me off of course, but I expect that's just because she didn't want to show passionate affection to me in front of the others.
So we travel to the Riddle Manor where stands Voldemort holding a very dear possession of mine. Needless to say I was distraught. Then his Death Eaters rushed at us. They insulted us yet again. Have they no end to indecency? I had to defend my honor and my blue… blazes! Look at that!... What? Nothing? How odd… no I didn't say anything about a blue blank… er… blue nothing… I said nothing about anything blue. Magnificent place really. I actually didn't know where Voldy was… It was just my dreams. I had dreamed he was there several times, but I didn't know if he was actually there or not.
So I rushed at them daringly brandishing my wand. They were quite intimidated and fell back, but not before I threw a few choice spells at them. And after I got through all the Death Eaters and the terror of those dashed portkeys. Please, can anyone come up with anything more creative than the Shrieking Shack?
Then there I stood in front of the epitome of evil himself. I threw a confusion curse at him. Ha ha! Twas something I made up all by my very lonesome. It made it so that he could not aim properly and all of his curses went haywire. Actually, that wasn't so very good because he kept saying the Death Curse over and over again so I was afraid he'd hit somebody, but he didn't. Then again, he never was very good at spells and such… he's missed me more times than I can count. I think it was too much for me. My darling sweetheart actually sent a wonderful hex towards him… bats flying everywhere… I know… how terribly romantic.
One of the Death Eaters came right in front of me and stood there cursing at me. I think he lost a hand or something, but I couldn't understand what he said. Then there was that dear old bat, Bellatrix. I hate that wench. She angers me beyond words. Tortures everything. Kills people I've known only a few years and really haven't kept in touch with all that well… I don't think she'd be a Death Eater except for the fact that she likes seeing other people in pain… hmm… good point…
She comes and says "Ha! I have you now Potter-wotter!"
Grr… I hate those baby names she gives everyone when she's trying to be intimidating and mean. I think it shows the soft side of her actually, and how frightening of a mother she'd make. You know… I can just imagine it, 'Oh my darling sweet baby-waby… die! Do you like diaper rash! Well, take that!' shudder yes, I fear for her and her unfortunate husband, what a match she must be in bed… All I know is is that she sucks.
I got rid of her easily. I just went up and hugged her. Those death eaters can't stand love. She actually melted screaming something like "I'm melting, I'm melting! Oh, what a world, what a world! Who ever thought that a nice little boy like you could ruin my beautiful wickedness! I'm melting, I'm melting!" Just goes to show that there is not good in everyone… especially not dear old "Bella-wella"
Hermione and I got sent to, well, what was it? Umm…. The Himalayans? Yes, there was a frightful beast there, but he seemed actually sort of nice. He threw bunny slippers at us though… when we came back, I took refuge behind a statue from the wild hexes and Hermione did too. But he saw, I guess, where she had dashed and he hovered over her and was about to strike when I pointed the death curse at him. It was the first time I had said it and it actually worked. Only, something went funny because instead of dropping dead, he exploded. Odd how these things happen ain't it?
Yes, yes, evil was destroyed… No I don't think that it went out in the world after he died. Where do you people come up it this… Yes, Voltaire and Voldemort start with the same two letters. What does that have to do with the price of batwings in Shanghi?
Well, now, it is your turn to decide. Who really killed Voldemort. I'd like to know who and why you think so.
(Well, this is the end, I hope you enjoyed it. Sorry to all Frenchies! I know quite a few and even took French myself. Four long years of it…)