Thursday

Rachel should've died yesterday. Whether she did or not, I'm not sure. I have no proof. But if Katie died then why shouldn't Rachel? If Rachel didn't then why did Katie? It only makes sense that she died.

Melinda came to get me for lunch. On the way to the cafeteria, a boy passed us, he was singing a song. I memorized it and kept walking. I might need it later. When we got to the cafeteria she walked off and let me eat on my own.

I sat by myself. There were others at the table but they were further down. They were talking about me. "She's new." "Eww, look at her." "Someone should go talk to her." "Jimmy, you go." "No way, man, she scares me." They were all around the same age as me.

Someone set a tray down in front of me and sat down. "Hello," it was the boy I saw when I was coming to the cafeteria. "I'm Ryan." I didn't reply, I only stared at him. He was too happy.

"What's wrong with you?" I didn't feel like eating. I wasn't hungry. So I just picked at my salad. I took a few bites just because.

"What do you mean, what's wrong with me?" he looked puzzled.

"You're happy."

"I'm getting out in a few days."

"Oh? My exodus is coming soon as well. But perhaps that's not the same as what you mean." Of course his brain wasn't smart enough to figure out what I was talking about. "That song you were singing, when you were walking down the hallway, what was it?"

"Nothing, just something I heard." I took a few more bites of my salad and then he spoke again. "Hey, you know what else I heard? Someone gave me this video and told me that when you watch it, it'll kill you."

I looked him in the eye. "You haven't watched that tape. Don't."

"Why not? Have you seen it?"

I shook my head. "My friend did. I watched her die. No one believes me about what happened. Don't watch the tape." He nodded and said he wouldn't. Ha. We'll see whether he does or not. Seven days.

My body began to shake. I remembered seeing her face, before she died. My mind's eye remembered the way she looked when she was attacked. I didn't help her. I didn't stop it.

"Becca." I turned to see Melinda. "Let's go." i got up and threw away my half-eaten salad.

"Bye, Becca," Ryan waved.

As I exited the cafeteria I heard one of the others say, "Ryan, what did you say to her?" as if there's something wrong with me. I'm trembling.

When I got back to my room, Melinda left me. I got a piece of paper and wrote down the lyrics to the song. Then I wrote a letter to Melinda.

If need to leave the world you live in, lay your head down and stay awhile. Though you may not remember dreaming, something waits for you to breathe again.

Dear Melinda,

I'm sorry that you have to be the one to find me. Tell Ryan that I said thank you. And to let you know why I'm doing this, it is because of what I didn't do. I didn't help Katie. I'm sorry, Katie.

-Rebecca Kotler

I left it on the table by my bed and went into the bathroom. I reached inside my book for the last time. I took out my X-acto and rolled up my sleeves. I traced the scars where I'd cut before but this time I didn't wash off the blood and I didn't cover it with toilet paper. I didn't put the blade back, I kept it in my right hand.

I climbed up on my bed, my left arm hanging off the edge. I lay on my stomach, my right hand by my hip, clutching the X-acto. I buried my face in my pillow as the tune flowed through my head. Just before all went black, I uttered my last words, "I'm sorry, Katie."

-Becca

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The song referred to is part of the song Imaginary by Evanescence. There is one chapter left. I know that Becca shouldn't be able to write this if she is dead but she is writing these last two entrees from her subconsiousness.