Chapter 12
Narrator: Welcome back mates! Takes a sip of her coffee
This is good coffee. So how is everyone doing? Well I'm just peachy.
Let us see how the stalkers are doing.
Author: Lord Of The Rings belongs to J.R.R Tolkien Shessh.
Man this is annoying saying over again. I'm leaving.
Narrator: Where are you going?
Author: To the bar
Narrator: Okay don't get drunk. .
Author: whatever leaves
Narrator: Okay then let's go to Frodo! Frodo Frodo! I can make up a song about him. So anyway let's see how the stalkers are doing.
The stalkers are on the sidewalk of Casino Boulevard. "Where is Frodo?''
Rachel asked.
"This isn't working, he keeps moving. '' Ann complained.
Finally Frodo's dot stopped.
"Yes I found him!''
"Where?'' Wormtongue asked.
"In the alley by the Hard Rock Hotel.''
"Yes!'' Lonny and Rachel began to Hyperventilate.
"Enough with the hyperventilate!'' Heather shouted.
"Finally Frodo will sign this nude picture. '' Lonny said kissing his face.
"Oh there is no way he will sign it.'' Heather said trying to make Lonny sad.
"Oh I will find a way!'' Lonny said with pride.
"I don't want to know, for safety reasons.'' Wormtongue said curtly.
"Good thinking,'' Kelsey agreed with him.
Lonny and Rachel began to fight. "He's mine you can't have him.'' Rachel spat. "No mine!'' Lonny declared!
"I think he likes me anyway.''
"No way!''
"Yes way!''
'No.''
'Yes.''
Lonny then punched Rachel in the nose. Rachel punched him back.
"Hey this is entertaining. Where is my chair?'' Wormtongue demanded.
Ann ignored Wormtongue but had to agree that this entertaining as they were still fighting.
Kelsey just rolled her eyes." Why did I come here with you idiots?''
"Cause we get to go to Las Vegas, Sin City they call it.'' Heather reminded her.
"I rather go to Ireland.'' She muttered under her breath.
"You know,'' said Wormtongue broke the subject. " Do you think that Eowyn will dig me? ''
"Of course,'' said Ann. "Let's go get them and get moving.''
Rachel and Lonny stopped fighting as she said that, and they left.
Narrator: Well, now it's time for the losers. I think that Saruman will perform his song today.
It is the morning still, as they are in the car. Saruman was alone in the main hallway. He knew that today he had to sing his song to Gollum. He felt all pain in his sides. Butterflies in his stomach as well. "Dam I have to sing the song today.''
Gollum walked in to look for something. This was the time to ask him. He had no other time to do so and then Denathor would still reprimand him about it.
"Hey their Gollum I have something to tell you.''
"What?''
"There is something I have to say.'' Saruman gulped. "Play it Chucky!''
"You got it dude!'' Chucky said then began to play music on the piano.
At this point everyone walked in to see this.
Sam muttered to himself." Boy this will be good.'' Denathor just smiled.
"I call this song:''The Saruman Inside.''
He begins
Saruman:
Gollum, my love,
Since I first met you my love for you grew,
Something from me was missing,
That something was you.
Gollum, my love,
Some say loves nothing but a game,
But then why do these feelings stir within me,
When I hear your name? OHHHHHHHHHHH
Someday I knew I'd find the one that's only for me!
I knew that would find the one to make me so happy!
One day I knew I'd reach the top on life's roller coaster ride,
But it was only you who found the Saruman inside. OHHHHHH!
You found the Saruman inside!
From you I will not hide!
Who says all men need a bride?
You found the Saruman inside!
You were the only one not blinded,
The only who could see,
You were the only one, who uncovered,
The lover's heart in me! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
Although it may not be right,
Although it might be a sin,
I love you for finding my hidden layers,
Buried deep within! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
You found the Saruman inside!
From you I will not hide!
Who says all men need a bride?
You found the Saruman inside!
I've always wanted to wear,
Polka-dot dresses,
Gollum will you let me,
Be your precious?
I'll hold you when you're crying,
I'll catch you when you fall,
Sure we'll have our troubles,
But love will overcome all! Ohhhhhhhhhhh!
You found the Saruman inside!
From you I will not hide!
Who says all men need a bride?
You found the Saruman inside!
You were the only one, who gave me,
The best of all bliss! Take it Kelly!
Kelly Clarkson: Some people wait a lifetime,
For a moment like this!
(10 seconds go by. Everyone waits)
Saruman:
You found the Saruman inside!
From you I will not hide!
Who says all men need a bride?
You found the Saruman inside!
You found the Saruman inside!
From you I will not hide!
Who says all men need a bride?
You found the Saruman insiiiiiiiiiiiddddde!
Music stops
"Thanks Chucky!'' Saruman said.
"Sure thing boss.'' Chucky grabbed his piano and jumped out of the car.
"Thanks Kelly Clarkson!'' Saruman thanked her.
"Saruman you are a great singer, if you were on American Idol you would have my vote.'' She jumped out of the car with Chucky.
Then their was clapping from the background. Everyone turned around to see who it was.
"Hey, you guys are from American Idol. I always watch your show.'' Sam flipped out.
"Yes we are,'' said Randy Jackson.
"Frankly, I believe that was horrible,'' said the voice of Simon Cowell.
Usually this was typical of him to make fun of others. Also he is the only British judge.
"No it wasn't ugly human.'' Gollum hissed. He started to beat up Simon.
"Saruman you have my vote.'' Randy said.
"Same here.'' Said Paula. "Oh Randy we have to go.''
"Yeah, let's go.'' Randy dragged Simon away from Gollum and they jumped out of the car.
Everyone began to start crying.
Sam was still crying. "That song was so sad. What do you think Gollum?"
Gollum through muffled tears couldn't believe anything. "We can't believe this. No one loved us. Our family disowned us. ''
"Saruman I never thought you were a singer.'' Gimli said.
"Saruman is this true?'' Celeborn asked.
"No of course not." Denathor laughed.
"Yes it is wizard said those words to us no one would ever do that.'' Gollum choked on his tears.
"Ah Gollum the song it was for a bet.
"What?''
"See Denathor and I were playing Go Fish. The bet was if I lose I would have to write a song for you. If I won Denathor would massage my feet for a week. ''
"Wizard is so funny telling jokes to us.'' Gollum hissed again.
"Hey a hotel let's stay here at the Holiday Inn.'' Celeborn informed everyone!''
"Stop the car.'' Sam shouted.
"Here we are.'' Celeborn stopped the car.
Everyone gets out of the car and get their bags.
"Pretty hotel!'' Gimli said admiring the outside. It was forest green.
"Yes it is.'' Celeborn said and took out his camera and took pictures.
"Oh no you're turning into my mother. Scrap books frolicking through the flowers. '' Denathor shrieked.
"Shut up you old hag. '' Celeborn snapped
"Do you have my mom's phone number?''
"No."
"Oh forget this I'll check in for us. '' Denathor stomped away.
"What bit him in the ass?'' Sam asked.
"That happens when you're an old hag like him." Sighed Gimli.
"Ok! "
"Oh let's go I'm tired.'' Saruman yawned then left to go inside.
Gollum followed him inside.
Celeborn, Sam, and Gimli headed inside.
In the hotel later on at night.
Celeborn looks at the walls noticing the wallpaper. Also the beds.
"Nice colors they match the beds.''
"Oh stop your scaring me! Denathor got down to the floor and sat in fetal position.
Sam: looked outside. "We should go to bed its late.
Everyone else climbed into bed and fell asleep.
Narrator: Aw look at their so cute when their asleep. Especially Sam.
Takes pictures of Sam What if Author gets drunk at the bar? I'm going to the bar. Runs to the bar Sees author acting very drunk
Author: Oh look at me I'm a little bumblebee up in the tree.
Narrator: How many glasses of wine did you have?
Author: Oh 23
Narrator: Holy Crap!
Author: Hey Lori how about another Martini?
Lori: I think you had enough 23 martinis that's a record Joe over there had 21 martinis. Hey everyone this girl had 23 martinis.
People: Yeah!
Narrator: We're going now. Next time you want to go to the bar I'm going with you.
Author: runs to the stage sings a song
I got a nickel a penny 5 dollars in my pocket. Nickel falls out of her pocket
My nickel has left me. Picks up nickel and put it in pocket
Guy number1: Oh start dancing!
Guy number 2: Take your clothes off!
Other guys: yeah! Chanting take it off take it off!
Narrator: Hell no!
Author: continues singing I think I'll use my dollar to buy a lollipop a juicy lollipop. Suddenly faints
Narrator: Oh no! Runs onto the stage Ok let's get out of here.
Author: wakes up
Narrator: Back to the story let us see how Arwen, Galadriel, Eowyn are doing.
The girls are hanging at the pool just relaxing in their bikinis.
"Ahhhh this is the life.'' Eowyn said breathing the air.
"Oh yeah!'' Arwen holding her drink. "The both of you were right this is the life! To get away from our husbands and just chill.''
"Yeah!'' Galadriel agreed. "I can't believe what Celeborn and Haldir did.''
"That was nasty!''
"Faramir is annoying and immature and stubborn.''
"Bleh Aragorn is barely around. The last time I saw him when he went off to Mordor with Frodo. ''
"Men!'' They said in unison and clinked on the sides of their glasses.
"So how was your ride here?'' Eowyn asked.
"It sucked we played Gold Fish.'' Arwen said dryly.
"Ha poor you I'd love to be with you! '' Eowyn laughed.
"What you did,'' Arwen demanded.
"We sang songs and drove Gandalf and Gimli crazy. Even though Gimli jumped out the window. ''
"I wish Arwen and I could come with you. Lucky bastard...'' Galadriel said sadly.
"Well you can!''
"Yeah!''
"This is fun!'' Eowyn said precisely.
Two minutes later they sat their.
"Oh really, now I'm bored!'' Galadriel said darkly. "Now what are we to do now?''
Arwen got up and jumped in. Eowyn and Galadriel followed. Arwen swam around and Eowyn and Galadriel just hung out by the stairs.
Later on, a couple of guys came up to them.
"Hey there hot stuff.'' One guy said. He short blond hair, thin, blue eyes, and wearing a huge necklace. Tall He was light skin.
Arwen came up underneath the water and looked at him and looked him up and down. She never saw any guys looking like him and the other two in Rivendell.
"What's your name?'' The guy gestured at Arwen.
"My name is Arwen Evenstar daughter of Lord Elrond of Rivendell. '' She greeted him.
"Well my name is Brian.'' Brian said.
The other guy next to Brian was starring at Eowyn. He had black hair with a two earrings in his left ear. He was also tall like Brian. But he had green grayish eyes and was kind of chubby. His hair was also short. He had dark skin.
"Hey cutie what is your name?'' He said looking at Eowyn.
"My name is Eowyn daughter of Eomund, sister of King Eomer of Rohan, shield maiden I might add,'' She bowed her head.
"Oh I have a polite girl.'' he said enviously.
"My name is Darren.'' He replied.
The third guy was looking at Galadriel. He had light brown hair and was tall like Brian and Darren and had brown eyes, light skin. Skinny like Brian and very broad shoulders. Muscular I might add.
"What's your name?'' He asked Galadriel with a deep voice.
"I'm Galadriel queen of LothLorien. All powerful!'' She read his mind.
"Well hey Kyle.''
"How did you know my name?'' He asked bewildered.
"Just guessed.'' she said all innocently.
"That's cool.'' Brian said.
But then, three girls come up to them and one of them smacked Brian in the face.
"Who are you?'' Arwen demanded.
"My name is Dory and my friends Hannah and Kylie. We are their girlfriends. ''
"Baby relax we were just talking.'' Brian said to soothe her.
"Bullshit!'' Hannah said.
"Don't hit on our boyfriends you fucking bitches!'' Dory yelled.
"We can talk to them if we please!'' Arwen said very airily
"Not them you can't.'' Hannah warned them.
"Oh try and stop us.'' Eowyn said.
"Bitch you want us to bring it?'' Dory asked.
"Nah because, I would cut your tongue before you can bring it.'' Eowyn said boldly. She flashed her sword.
"Who are you anyway?'' Kylie asked.
"Well I'm Galadriel queen of LothLorien. These girls are my granddaughter Arwen Evenstar Lady I might add. Of Rivendell. Finally, our friend Eowyn shield madien of Rohan. '' Galadriel introduced her self and Arwen and Eowyn.
Dory then walked up to them closely and said: "Don't ever hit on our boyfriends again or we will come and get you. ''
Eowyn kept her sword out and Galadriel and Arwen drew theirs out as well.
"You wouldn't dare trying to kill us because we would get you first.''
"You know I think these girls are too dumb to fight our way, Arwen stated.'' But I think we should bring it. '' She released her sword and motioned Galadriel and Eowyn too do the same.
The guys just whistled at this. Before you know it people walked over to see what was going on. They bitched slapped each other and they fell into the pool al soaked and wet.
"Oh now my hair is ruined.'' Dory complained.
"Its water you moron it will dry off.'' Arwen said.
"Oh this is a riot!'' whistled Brian.
Dory grabbed Brian by the arm and left the pool and Hannah and Kylie each took Darren and Kyle by the arm and did the same.
"Man what bitches.'' Arwen said.
"Oh yeah!'' Galadriel and Eowyn agreed.
Narrator: Well that was fun watching the girls releases their feminine side.
Author: droops on Narrator's shoulder
Narrator: picks her up Oh please don't fall out on me. drags her outside
runs into Orlando 'Ello Orlando Nice night it is!
Orlando: Yeah so! What's wrong with Author?
Narrator: She passed out because she drank to much Martinis.
Orlando: How much?
Narrator: twenty three
Orlando: That is a bloody record!
Narrator: Yeah anyway let's go see how Haldir and Lalathith are doing.
Haldir and Lalathith are at the Coyote Ugly nightclub. The strippers are and the girls dancing in cages. Also Legolas but we will get to him in a minute.
Anyway, Haldir and Lalathith are in a room. Haldir is pushed against the wall. Lalathith was starting to take off her clothes but Haldir winced.
"What you don't love me?'' Lalathith asked.
"Not any more.'' Haldir spat. "You dumped me, do you really think that I'll take you back after what you did?'' "Lady what drugs are you on?''
"Oh come on, that was the past we can work things out.'' She grabbed Haldir's belt and his pants fell down. Lalathith took off her robe and was in her undergarments already. She ran and locked the door. She still had him against the wall. Haldir pushed himself off and grabbed his belt and tied it around his pants and put them back on.
"Screw this!'' "Do you do this to everyone you whore?''
Lalathith put her robe back on.
Haldir stormed off and shut the door. "What a slut. I wonder what Legolas and Aragorn are doing?''
Meanwhile, Legolas was drunk so he was on the stage singing. "Look at me I'm a kitty!'' He started to stagger and losing balance.
"Take it off all of it!'' The Fan girls shouted.
Legolas spun around and continued to sing. "I see rainbows and dollies. Waiting for me!'' Oh no he was dancing very suggestively. Heh heh
"Take it off!'' the fan girls were still shouting.
"I got me a jolly rancher.'' He now took off his belt from his pants and swung it around.
Now the fan girls were screaming! Some one threw him a dollar. But then he put the belt on. The fan girls were all crestfallen. Then, he fainted on the stage. Haldir looked up and saw him their. He then wondered what Aragorn could possibly be up to.
Aragorn was it a bar. "Hey bartender fix me up a glass of ale would you?''
The bartender gave the glass to him. "Thank you my good man.''
Aragorn gulped a couple of sips. Then he put it down. Now he was drunk.
"Your hot, your eyes are pretty.'' He commented to the bartender. This was kind of ironic since he was a random old guy. The bartender felt all delighted.
Haldir saw him and dragged Aragorn away and got Legolas too.
"Sorry precious but I got to jet.''
"Its ok babe I understand.''
Aragorn left with Haldir. Then he fainted then Haldir dragged each of them to the bathroom. He dumped the water on them. Aragorn and Legolas woke up. "What happened?'' Legolas asked all groggily.
"You were on the stage dancing. Very disturbingly I might add. ''
Aragorn woke up too. "What happened?'' he asked groggily.
"Just hitting on the bartender that's all.''
"Where is Lalathith?'' Aragorn asked.
"She's gone. What a slut.'' He said with a disgust look.
"Oh come on, I saw you too walking together and going into the room. This means you were getting down and dirty. '' Aragorn said.
"Hell no!'' Haldir shouted.
Eventually the left the club and it was night time. They go into the Hard Rock Hotel. They walked into the lounge and everyone else was their.
"Surprise!'' Everyone shouted. "Hey welcome back!'' Arwen said.
"How did you guys know to come here?'' Haldir wondered.
"We just came together and decided to find a place to stay.'' Elrohir said happily.
"Yeah and Gandalf is getting your stuff right now.'' Arwen added.
A few moments later Gandalf came in with their bags and dropped on the floor. "Oh goodness Legolas what is with all of your beauty products?''
"When I go out my hair will look super sexy!'' Legolas said.
Everyone just rolled their eyes.
Later on that night, everyone stayed up and playing truth and dare and games then they each went into their rooms to go to sleep. Except Aragorn, Legolas, and Haldir. "Room for three please.'' Aragorn told the hotel clerk. He also gave money to the clerk.
"Okay you are in room 227 on the second floor. '' He handed the key to Aragorn. Aragorn took the key and went to their room and Legolas and Haldir followed.
In their hotel room they unpacked their luggage and Legolas was sorting his beauty products in the bathroom. 'Oh what a big bathroom.'' He commented. Then, the phone rang. They wondered who it could be at this hour. Haldir went to pick it up. "Hello.'' "Hey their hon.'' Lalathith replied in a sexy voice.
"Lalathith it's late!'' Haldir screamed.
"Want to finish our business at the club if you know what I mean?'' Lalathith said. "If you want my room is 230 I'll be waiting. ''
"No fucking way you faggot!'' Haldir was really pissed now. He hung up the phone and disconnected it.
"What happened?'' Legolas asked still sorting his toilet trees.
"Lalathith called me again.'' He snapped. "I'm just tired and let's go to sleep.'' So they climbed into their beds and fell asleep.
Narrator: Man I can't believe Lalathith! What a slut!
Author: I know. Well I would like to thank my sister Rachel for writing 'The Saruman Inside.'' Thank you thank you and goodnight!
Narrator: Coffee break!