And The Hourglass Shatters. . .
Part 1
Since the dawn of time, human beings strived for acceptance from their peers. It may be a social mechanism that enabled them to survive in a group, but more likely it is simply that they feel better that way- when they are respected and loved. Their self-value grows and in the end, they might actually even accept themselves.
It's a load of bullshit, really, but one you can relate to. You tried living in a world where all compassion was being uprooted but discovered it to be faulty. You didn't know you felt that way before you encountered the alternative, but once you came and found the love your family could give- you were hooked. There's no way that you can succumb to compromising any longer. Why should you when everyone else in the world is allowed to be loved?
More than that, you love your family. You don't want to hurt them anymore, for you have come to really see them as who they are; they are more than the mere strangers that you were led to believe they were most of your life.
You came to care about Phoebe with her blunt honesty, her will to help everyone and optimism for the best. She was the goddess of love when the Titans came in this world and you can't think of better a description that would fit her.
It's impossible to not care about Paige with her utmost loyalty toward everything magical, who will sacrifice her very soul if it would only help those she loves. She's not a quitter either and deep inside you hope that this annoying stubbornness of yours was actually her influence. The same stubbornness that lurked in your genes without you ever even knowing.
Mom…how different she is from the mother you grew up with; less hysterical and more willing to openly show her love. She will fight for you and you know with a new clarity that you are now being blessed with that maybe your mom was like that as well. Maybe you have wronged her. You refused to listen to anything she said your entire life because you thought Wyatt and Adam meant more to her. Little did you know as a child that a blind son simply requires more care than a normal one does. If you had known it is not about different love but about making a choice, would you have been different as well?
And Leo…Dad…how is it that in the long years he was with you he never said that he loved you, but now he tells you it all the time? Were you wrong all these years, or was he wrong and cooped inside himself all the things he never dared to say? How could he have let you hate him like that and act as if it didn't mean a thing when it's obvious now that such hate killed him inside? How could he let you hate him?
You wonder and know that this is mystery that will have to be revealed the same way that everything else is- in time. After all, trust must be regained and nightmares must be abolished once again. Then, and only then, will there be an era of healing.
You tiptoe on the stairs of your house, trying to come inside without alarming any of its residents of your arrival. You don't really hope to postpone the revelation eternally; you are realistic and know that at one point or another you will meet your family and then, oh, your ears will burn. But after the truth is told, maybe there will be peace. The calm that comes after a storm.
"Where in god's name have you been?" Mom greets you at the door, her face sorrow stricken and gray. She was worried about you and that hurts more than most of the things you have endured; you know that such level of care comes only once in million years, and you are about to lose it.
You tell her the truth, "I had to go." There is no point in lying anymore, even if it sounds as if you are. Even if they think you are stalling or being your usual evasive self, even so, you will tell them the truth from now on. In bits, maybe, but in the end- the whole truth. "Can I come in, please?"
Maybe it's the "please" that does the trick; Mom always had a soft spot for manners, probably because you never managed to acquire them. So you get into the house- that warm, loving, so great house- and you hope that they will hear you out until the end, and only then will they kick you out. You dare not ask for more of them because you don't expect much more. You deserve everything they do, even not hearing you. Still, you hope they hear you out.
But also that they won't because that way all the incriminating things you have done will rest in peace in your heart and not in theirs. Maybe this way their love is still salvageable and you won't be so empty. It's what you hope for, but it's not what you deserve.
You don't know what will happen if you look into your parents eyes. You can tell them the whole truth- the truth they have never suspected or have suspected but left to themselves out of love for you- and then see all their love evaporate into thin air, into nothing, into hate.
Yet courage is doing the things you need to do even if you don't want to do them, or so you were told. You always considered yourself someone who did what was essential, what the world needed but never had the courage to do itself. You always had courage. You will not become a coward now.
So you swear here and now in this place that you will not take the easy way out. You will not hide things from them nor beautify yourself in words. You will let them see the real you, the one even you do not want to see, but you'll let them, because you love them even though you've never deserved an ounce of their love.
"Are Paige and Phoebe here?" you ask and ignore for a moment the suspicious look that she is wearing, for all will be revealed soon.
"Yeah, should I call them?"
You think for a minute whether it will be a good idea, or should you tell Mom first and let her tell her sisters. Maybe that way the hatred wave will lessen.
But no, you will not be like that. You swore. "Yeah," you take a big breathe, dreading what you are about to do. "Please do."
and she's calling them and they're coming down the stairs andreaching you andtheir eyes arefinding yours, and they are quiet. They're not asking what you need, what's the rush or any other questions from the gazillion that they could have asked and that you anticipated. They're not letting you get away with the confession, you realize. You respect them for that, but also hate them for that. Because even when you were little, before you found out about everything, before nothing ceased to matter, you prayed. The prayers held the essence of your childhood dreams of the innocent that's now long gone and you know that even if you wanted to, the ability to get on your knees and pray for absolution from the mighty power that lies in the heavens has forsaken you. Yet you are not beyond asking for mortal forgiveness. You need it, you pray for it.
"Mom, Aunts, I've got something to tell you."
There is no question in their eyes, only warmth. They probably did sense that something was wrong but let you handle it on your own terms. They believed in you; that when you need help you'll come to them and they believed they wouldn't judge you but help you and be beside you all the way. They believed in themselves and in you. They thought it will be easy and even if not easy, manageable. And even if not all of those, they thought they would be able to deal with that, to help you. But how can they help you to cease being yourself?
They are waiting patiently even though the silence stretches to uncomfortable lengths. You see Paige rolling her eyes at something that Phoebe must have whispered and you know that it's not the right time, you aren't ready.
But it will never be the right time. You will never be ready. This is as good as it's going to get.
"I lied." You take another huge breath, trying to calm yourself and them. Maybe if they see how hard this is for you they will understand. "My world is not like I told you it is."
"Oh, honey, we know." Paige comes and taps on your head, near the scar. "We just didn't want to push you to tell us, but we're ready to listen whenever you need to talk."
"It's easier sharing the burden." Phoebe looks at you and there's compassion in her eyes. They think you live in the world the other Chris lived in. You suddenly understand- that's the way out!
You can back off now before...before they find out. You can stop everything from coming to light. You can hide from them, you can hide your secret forever and they will never know. They can protect you, you will protect them, and nothing will ever need to be uttered. You can become really theirs, your heart swells in realization. You've lied to your mom before, what's it matter if you do it again? What is it about second chances that makes you want to cleanse yourself from past sins?
Yet you cannot forget that you killed Mom for you see her lifeless corpse looking at you behind your eyes and you know in that second thatlying will never be an option for you. You cannot lie to them. You cannot lie to yourself.
"No, it's not what you think. . ." you admit and find that your voice is shaking, but you do not see a point in concealing it. So what if your voice is shacking? Who does it hurt thatfor the first time in your life you'll show emotions?
"Honey, you don't have to explain anything to us, really. We worry about you, that's what parents do." You can tell that Mom is burning inside; wanting desperately to know what is it that you conceal but is afraid to push you and by that make this worse. Only, she doesn't know she can't do anything to make it worse. This is the worst, as low as it's gonna get.
"What family does." Paige murmurs and you can detect the hurt lurking behind her words that she wasn't included, as if she didn't matter. Your aunts were always that way, as long as you can remember. Your aunts were part of your family, not as aunts, but as second and third mothers. It confused the hell out of you when you were little.
Piper shots Paige an irritated gaze and Phoebe looks annoyed. Either they've talked about it, which is very doubtful considering this is them, or they are on to something. Your Halliwell radar is at full range and all the plans you have made to come clean and tell the truth are being abandoned for a while. Something is definitely going on, something big.
"What's going on?" You never were the type to beat around the bush.
They look confused for a minute but then Mom shakes her head in Phoebe's direction, obviously telling her to get on with what they planned all along.
"We're so sorry, Chris." Phoebe comes close and you can now see there's a bubbling vial in her hand. God no, the figured you out! They are going to vanquish you! All the thoughts and dreams you have weaved are now gone for good.
Your heart beats faster and louder as your mouth becomes dry. You don't know what to do as your body and mind are sending mixed signals. Run! the body screams, Live!
But the heart, the bastard, is trying to sooth you, Hear them.
But it's an organ, something that belongs to you. Your heart should follow you, not the other way around. Only, it doesn't. Your feet are rooted to the floor and all the blood goes to your ears, a strange buzzing filling them and you fear you will faint.
They are chanting something- something about the power of three and freedom from evil and you can't breathe. There's not enough oxygen in the whole world and your starving lungs are begging for more.
Help! you cry without words, without mouth movements and even without looking with your eyes. Your soul itself is breaking free from your body and trying to run, knowing you deserve what you will get and what hell will bring, but also knowing you cannot possibly face it alone. First, you need their forgiveness and that's the one thing you will never get.
"I'm sorry." You hear Mom's muffled words and her cold hand resting on your forehead. Only her hand isn't so cold anymore, it's warm, it's burning. It's you who is cold and who will never be warm again.
In a single moment, the entire world shatters into tiny pieces of lost dreams that you know you will never be able to recover. Not even time will be able to get those dreams back, they are doomed.And you are now doomed with them.
TBC