It took nearly two days for Kaede to recover from the check-up. On the first day, she was dead to the world, though once or twice she thought she felt Hiyori nudge her. On the second, she was able to sit up in her replacement bedroll, later even getting herself into the bathing quarters without too much trouble.
Bathing helped her feel more normal. She thanked her lucky stars - whatever those were - that it was a rest day for the whole Academy. The baths were blessedly empty; she could take her time without wondering how many girls were staring at her Kido markings.
When she got back to her room, she was surprised to see a tray sitting next to her bedroll. Rice, clear soup, tea - all still warm.
"Thought you might be hungry," came Hiyori's voice from her own sleeping area nearby. She was hunched over her asauchi, running a cleaning cloth over the blade. "You didn't eat yesterday."
"Thank you," Kaede rasped out, her voice hoarse from lack of use. She sat down and pulled the tray to her lap. "And…thanks again for your help the other day, with the trash and all that…I owe you."
Hiyori shrugged one shoulder. "Don't worry about it."
"But-"
"I said don't worry about it," she snapped, sending a sidelong glare Kaede's way.
If it had been anyone else, Kaede would have wondered what game they were playing. But Hiyori's prickly response set her strangely at ease - like she could really believe that the blond wasn't going to expect anything in return.
"Well, thanks anyway," she said, resolving to do something for her grouchy roommate. She took a sip of the clear broth, finding it to be surprisingly strong and savory. "…this is good…"
"It's something my Auntie used to give us when we weren't feeling good," Hiyori told her, still focusing on cleaning her blade. "She wasn't really anyone's aunt - we just called her that. She didn't need to eat herself, but she always made sure those of us that did were fed. That soup ain't Auntie's, but it's the closest I've had since leaving."
Kaede made sure to savor the next sip all the more. With Hiyori's story, she could almost feel the warmth of this "Auntie" in the broth. "Do you miss where you're from?"
"Nah. It sucked out there. We didn't even have shoes!" The hand with the cloth slowed over the blade. "I sometimes wonder what Auntie's gotten up to, though."
"Do you ever go visit her?"
"Not like I got the time." Hiyori glanced back toward her. "You got people like that where you're from?"
Kaede paused mid-sip. Her immediate response was that no, she didn't think about anyone in the Nest, at least not like Hiyori thought about her Auntie.
Urahara's face flashed through her mind. Did he count?
"I guess," she answered, swapping the broth for the chopsticks. She quickly shoved a clump of rice in her mouth, hoping that Hiyori wouldn't press for more details.
Thankfully, the prickly blond was true to form, giving a "hmph" and returning to her own task.
At the end of her meal, feeling restored, Kaede stretched and looked at the window, suddenly dying to stretch her legs.
Something caught her eye, hanging off the window ledge. A piece of paper? Kaede reached up and tugged it down.
"Nakamura Kumo…Hanging Dog?" she read, brows furrowing. Before she could examine it further, Hiyori snatched the paper out of her hand and proceeded to tear it into confetti. "Hey! What's that all about?"
"It's nothing, don't worry about it," Hiyori said in a rush - but the way her nostrils flared and her lip curled suggested otherwise.
Kaede crossed her arms. "If it's nothing, why'd you tear it up?" The other girl looked away with a stubborn pout. "Hiyori…"
"Fine," she huffed, speaking in the same low, quick voice she always used when she didn't want to admit to something. "Someidiotswereleavingthese-"
Kaede held up a hand to stop her. "Normal-person speeds, please."
Hiyori groaned. "Some idiots were leaving these around our room. Just a bunch of pieces of paper with names on them. I thought I got them all."
For a second, Kaede was just more confused. Why would Hiyori care about some names written on scraps of paper? And the other part, "Hanging Dog…"
The blood drained from her face. That was the name locals gave to a certain district in South Rukongai. So the person's name on that paper…
Kaede dropped back down to her bedroll. "They're…the people I..."
She knew the numbers from the Catastrophe: 3 districts completely destroyed, over a dozen more left in varying states of devastation. 4,670 Souls officially declared "Missing" - not "Dead," because there were never any remains to identify. Hundreds injured.
And of course, one so-called survivor.
She'd never known their names. Without names, the numbers were bad, but abstract in a way. But names meant faces, memories, connections to other people…people who still remembered them. People who could still be grieving, or maybe unable to even do that because there was no closure, no guarantee that those they missed had truly rejoined the cycle of life and death like they were supposed to.
Her hand brushed over something just underneath a corner of her blanket. Another paper, another name: Kato Hifumi, Windy Hill. South District 79.
"How many were there?" she asked Hiyori.
The blond shrugged and wouldn't look at her. "I dunno. A few. I wasn't counting."
More than a few, then. Kaede imagined it was hard to lose count if it was only three or four slips. "Hiyori…please just tell me."
She didn't answer, but her eyes flicked toward a trash bin near the door. Kaede rose and went to the bin, which was usually pretty bare - there wasn't much for six girls to discard in a room where they mainly just slept and dressed.
Today, it was filled almost to the brim with torn paper. Kaede pulled out a relatively intact slip to find part of yet another name. -giri Ao, Windy Hill.
There had to be dozens beneath this one…dozens of different names, dozens of people she'd…
Kaede had never been particularly claustrophobic - if anything, she found small, dark spaces to be comforting - but six months of being out in open air must have changed that. The room felt too small, the air too still. Pressure was building up in her chest; she had to leave, get away from the names, from this room, from Hiyori.
"I'm going for a walk," Kaede said in a hollow voice, pocketing the papers before Hiyori could see it. "I'll…be back later…"
She stood back up, feeling detached from her own body. She was vaguely aware of Hiyori's large brown eyes watching her, but if the blond tried to say anything else, she didn't register it.
Outside, it was afternoon, and the sun was still high and warm. Normally, Kaede would close her eyes and bask in its rays for a moment before heading off, but today it seemed far too bright. She felt exposed, yet she balked at going back inside.
She took to a shady path without really intending to do so. There was a gentle, cool autumn breeze, but she barely felt it. It made the leaves chatter in the trees above, but she didn't hear it, nor could she see how the sunlight danced off their bright canopies.
She could only see those names.
Kato Hifumi, Nakamura Kumo…who had they been? Someone's father, mother, brother, daughter? From what she understood, "families" in the Rukongai weren't defined by blood, but people often identified each other as though they were. What had these two been to the people who knew them? Were they like Hiyori's Auntie, people who took in strays and helped them thrive? Or were they the strays themselves? Even if they weren't "good" people…did that matter?
She didn't think it did. What she'd done to those districts…there'd been no justice in it. There'd been no reason at all. Maybe that should have absolved her of any guilt, but it just made her feel…empty. Who was she to mourn people she'd never met - people she'd killed, no matter what the reports officially called it? Who was she not to?
She was nothing - merely the cause.
Maybe the people who whispered about her, who left trash in her bed and who looked at her with barely concealed disdain…maybe they were right to do so. How could she deserve to be here when she'd taken away the futures of so many innocents?
With a sharp pang, Kaede suddenly wished Urahara was with her. She didn't know what to think right now, much less what to do. He didn't always have answers, but he usually gave her perspective, something to hold onto or hope for.
Her eyes began to sting. Kaede ducked behind one of the dojos and willed herself not to cry. Crying, in her experience, only made things worse - especially when witnessed by other people. At least the Academy grounds were nearly empty today. Many of the students took advantage of rest days to visit the nearest Rukongai districts or do some extra training away from the main grounds.
For a few minutes, Kaede stayed there in the shadows between the dojos, trying to focus on her breathing and nothing else. Maybe if she stayed still for long enough, she'd melt right into the shadows…that would be nice. Peaceful. She'd even be a comfort to other people for a change, a refuge from the over-bright sun. She closed her eyes and willed herself to drift away.
"Sorano-san?"
Go away… She didn't want to be Sorano Kaede. She didn't want to be anything right now.
"Sorano-san."
Kaede couldn't pretend not to recognize his voice now - he'd come closer, close enough that she felt his physical presence right in front of her. She clenched her jaw to stop her lip from trembling and reluctantly opened her eyes.
Sousuke's face was blurry at first - she hadn't succeeded in chasing away the tears, and now one fell down her cheek. Kaede's first instinct was to run, hide, keep him or anyone else from seeing her like this - but he was standing too close. She shrank further back into the wall, averting her eyes.
Sousuke's hand came to her cheek; she automatically flinched away, but he just used his thumb to wipe away the tear. "What is it?"
Her mouth may as well have been glued shut - and she almost wished it was. She was afraid to speak in case her voice cracked and the floodgates burst.
In lieu of speaking, she produced the slip of paper and let him take it.
"Kato Hifumi," he read. "Windy Hill…that's-"
"79th District," Kaede said, her voice only cracking a little. "South Rukongai."
Understanding passed in a shadow across his face. "Where did you get this?"
She swallowed and looked away. "It was next to my bed. Apparently there were more, but Hiyori…she got rid of them before I knew."
It hit her then that Hiyori had been looking out for her with more than just soup and a replacement bed roll. She'd seen something that she thought would upset Kaede, and she'd taken it upon herself to get rid of that thing.
Kaede's eyes stung all the more. Did Hiyori realize what this meant to her? How could she ever repay her for this?
"I never knew their names," Kaede admitted to Sousuke. "It seems so stupid now - I should have always known them. It's my fault they're…"
She stopped when her voice cracked again. The lump in her throat had grown massive already; she wasn't sure how much longer she could hold it back.
Sousuke frowned down at the paper. "How do you know these are the names of people from the Catastrophe?"
Kaede blinked. "What do you mean? Why wouldn't they be?"
"Aside from the fact that Soul Society doesn't keep detailed records of the outer districts, and since there were no survivors from 78 to 80, there's no way any student here would remember those who lived there back then?" He held up the slip. "People are petty and cruel. They've seen that you aren't a monster, but a person with weaknesses to be exploited. That's all this is: they're trying to wear you down and make you disappear."
She knew that. She was aware of it every time she stepped out of bed. "Maybe they aren't wrong. Maybe…I shouldn't be here at all."
Sousuke's hand dropped to his side, and she could feel something cold radiating from him.
"Do you mean here, at the Academy," he asked, "or here, as in alive?"
Her hand tightened on her arm. She didn't - couldn't - say it aloud, but in her mind, she answered: Both.
"If another incident like the Catastrophe were to happen tomorrow," Sousuke began, and immediately Kaede's heart started to race in panic, "and a child was again found at the center - would you say that child ought to be killed?"
"What? No!" The question was like a bucket of ice-cold water to the face, shocking her into alertness.
"Why not?" Sousuke challenged. "Let's say that child was determined to be the cause. Would that change your mind?"
"No," she said firmly, her eyes hardening. She wouldn't wish her lot on anyone, hypothetical or not - and she didn't care what the situation was, she could never condemn a child to death.
"Don't you think you deserve the same consideration?"
Kaede knew that was what he'd been getting at. Even so, hearing him spell it out…a part of her still resisted the idea that she should be granted the same courtesy that she would show that hypothetical child.
"You told me once," Sousuke continued, "that you are more than some 'freak accident.' I believe that you are - but what changed your mind?"
She did say that, didn't she? She'd believed it back in that moment, too, but now…she wasn't sure why. Arrogance? No…her gut told her it hadn't been arrogance at all. It had been her, or at least, some stronger, harder version of herself that she now wished she could tap into again.
As she tried to find that person that had been so much more resolved, more confident even, she heard, felt Sousuke's low voice seep into her consciousness.
"Will you really let the acts of some petty, insignificant, desperate bigots tell you who you are or what you deserve?"
"No," she said, her frayed nerves hardening into sharpened steel. She was more. She'd come to the Academy to prove that - to Central 46, to the world…to herself.
Sousuke crooked a finger under her chin; her eyes snapped up to his, defiant, challenging his right to touch her at all.
"There you are," he purred, lips curved into a satisfied smile. "Welcome back."
Kaede felt like she really was returning to herself when he said those words, like she'd been in some other person's body since waking up. She realized just how close Sousuke was now too, all but caging her against the wall with his taller form - and while it triggered that familiar fight-or-flight response in her, she also found that she didn't mind it so much. She liked feeling the heat radiating off his body, the way the baggier parts of their uniforms brushed against each other. The way he looked at her right now, she felt truly seen, recognized, and instead of repulsing him, she felt him leaning into her darker corners and sharper edges.
She had to look away. Her mind was too clouded, her body confused by the different signals coursing through it. Run, stay, fight, submit…no, none of those things was right, yet all of them were, and she needed space to sort through them.
Her eyes took in other parts of Sousuke's appearance, the act of cataloguing what she saw helping her focus. His uniform sleeves were tied up, revealing well-toned forearms and a hint of solid biceps - not the point. There was a slight sheen of sweat on his skin too, his hair was a bit mussed; she had the sudden urge to run her fingers through - no!
And there - a bokken, a wooden practice sword, was tucked under his arm.
"Were you training just now?" she asked him.
"I was," he nodded to the bokken. Then he arched a brow at her. "Care to join me?"
Immediately, a calm washed over her, familiar and comfortable. Her own lips curled up a bit. "I'd like that."
He led her to the dojo yard; she tied her hair back while he fetched her a bokken of her own. She did pretty well in Zanjutsu class, but it was quite different from Hakuda; she understood how to use her body when it was her only weapon, but having an outside implement took getting used to. All the same, once she stood across from Sousuke, bokken in her hands, Kaede felt that familiar sense of balance seep into her bones, that pure focus that only came to her when engaged in combat.
This, she knew.
She went in for the first strike; he blocked, the clack of their bokken echoing in the air. She swung back to block his counter-attack - but froze when his bokken tapped her underarm.
"That's one," Sousuke said.
Kaede backed away and reset her stance. This time, she waited for him to come to her. He did, blade aimed straight for her chest. She swept her own under his, forcing it up and away - only for him to pivot and strike her across the abdomen.
"Two."
Kaede narrowed her eyes at him, but refused to be riled. He was likely counting on her getting frustrated; that would cloud her judgment, giving her a dangerous case of tunnel-vision. She knew better than to allow that. Instead, she backed away again, mentally reviewing how he'd bested her both times.
He was fast - much faster than she'd anticipated, considering he was wielding a fully-weighted bokken. She wasn't exactly at her best, either; her muscles were still a bit weak from the Kido tests, and all she'd eaten in the past two days was a bowl of rice and some soup.
None of that was an excuse. In a real fight, the opponent took advantage of such handicaps without remorse; she had to compensate, watch for openings, patterns, anything she could observe and predict.
She feigned a strike, testing his defenses and receding as he reacted. Then she did the same thing again - different response. The next time, she attacked for real. Their wooden swords clashed, and for a second, they both held firm, faces inches away on either side of their blades.
"You're thinking of this like a Hakuda fight," Sousuke breathed. "That won't work."
Kaede leaped backward, disengaging - but he followed, barely giving her enough time to raise her bokken in defense. Another jab of his sword forced her to lean back, compromising her footing to avoid contact. Her bokken clacked against his again, but before she could tighten her stance, he'd already slashed her twice. Had these been real blades, she'd be bleeding out from both sides.
They both took a moment to reset, Kaede already out of breath. He was right - during that whole exchange, all she could see was how she'd have countered him without a sword.
Her eyes narrowed. He wasn't just making an observation; by merely suggesting that she was looking at things from a hand-to-hand perspective, he'd actually made her think in that perspective more. She'd distracted herself from the reality at hand.
Sneaky bastard.
She had to stop thinking in Hakuda terms. The bokken in her hand was her present reality; what could she do with it?
They engaged again and again, and each time, Sousuke had her "bleeding" within a few strikes. But each time, she learned: the timing of his attacks, the angles he preferred. The next time, she blocked and went on the offensive, forcing him back. He met her in an exchange of clacking blows, his movements shifting from the patterns she'd observed, changing…adapting. She scrambled to keep up, returning to defense, desperate to find any openings.
There were none.
His bokken snapped across her wrist, making her drop her own - and then the tip of his practice blade was at her throat.
Kaede stared down the length of the wooden blade and met Sousuke's eyes, as cold and laser-focused as a predator. Then he smiled, that secretive curve that sent shivers down her spine.
"You learn quickly," he commended, withdrawing his blade. "Let's take a break - you look like you need it."
He wasn't wrong. Kaede was panting, and now that they'd stopped, her legs turned to jelly. She picked up her fallen bokken and went to sit on the dojo's platform.
Sousuke was in better condition, despite having probably been practicing for longer today. Sweat beaded his forehead and he breathed a little heavily, but otherwise he kept his perfect composure. He went over to a small bamboo fountain and, after removing his glasses, splashed water over his face. "Would you hand me that towel over there?"
Kaede glanced around, finding a towel neatly folded on the nearby ledge. He splashed more water over his head, slicking back some of his hair before drinking a final handful. She handed him the towel, her eyes glued to the droplets hanging from his eyelashes and a stray chestnut lock that fell just between his eyes. She'd never quite noticed how strong his jaw was before, or how finely chiseled his cheekbones were, or the arch of his brows. The angles of his face were usually softened or obscured by his bangs and glasses.
Another droplet traveled down the prominent tendon of his throat, bobbing along his Adam's apple and settling into the dip of his collarbone. Kaede's tongue darted between her lips, her mouth suddenly dry.
"Feeling better?" he asked, laying the towel around his neck.
Oh, she was feeling something, all right. With a start, she remembered the state he'd found her in earlier and realized that was what he was referring to. "Oh - um, yeah, actually."
"You're a natural fighter," Sousuke said as they retreated to the shade of the platform. "You didn't get flustered, you adapted on the go - you have a true talent."
Kaede flushed in a way that she couldn't blame completely on the exertion. "You flatter me."
"I assure you," he said with a smirk, "I don't 'flatter' anyone - unless there's something I need from them."
"Oh? And what do you need from me, then?"
"Nothing requiring flattery," he replied smoothly. "If you're looking for a critique, here it is: You have excellent composure in a fight, but you did allow yourself to be distracted. Granted, it seems you realized that, and once you did, you adjusted accordingly - but you still think too much in terms of Hakuda. The sword isn't just a tool in your hands; it's an extension of your body, just as the Zanpakuto is an extension of yourself."
"Thanks, sensei." Kaede chewed on her inner cheek, debating with herself. She hadn't talked to anyone about this, not even Hiyori - but Sousuke was older, more experienced…and more importantly, he was honest with her. He was opportunistic, manipulative, definitely not the "nice guy" he pretended to be with everyone else, but he didn't try to hide that from her.
Maybe she could trust him with this. Maybe he'd even have some insight.
"I keep hearing that in class - that we're supposed to imprint ourselves on the asauchi to make it that extension. And I've tried, but…I feel nothing from it." She held her hands up. "I know, I'm just being impatient, it can take years to establish a connection to one's Zanpakuto and some people never even get that far, but…I thought there'd be something."
"There ought to be something," Sousuke mused. "Especially in your case."
She snorted. "I'm not that special."
Sousuke was quiet for a moment. "Let me show you something."
He reached around her, and Kaede noticed for the first time that his own asauchi lay nearby. Only…asauchi were plain, unadorned weapons, symbolizing their "emptiness." This katana had an emerald-wrapped hilt and its tsuba, though simple, was a distinct, bronze hexagon.
Sousuke drew the blade. It sang as it came free, the metallic music of steel and something less tangible.
"This," he said, running his free hand over the exposed blade, "is Kyoka Suigetsu - my Zanpakuto. Here: touch the blade, and tell me what you feel."
Kaede eyed him warily, feeling every bit of suspicion that had slowly evaporated in the last few months return in full force. He wanted something out of all of this. He was baiting her, luring her in, and she still wasn't sure why.
She'd also felt something when he drew the blade, a ringing in her senses that beckoned her closer. Her curiosity got the better of her - or maybe it was something deeper, some hunger that she couldn't begin to define that drove her actions now.
She tentatively touched the blade.
It was like stepping under a waterfall - she felt the rush and weight of the sword's reiatsu so suddenly it took her breath away. It was different from Sousuke's modest output, yet she could feel how it originated from him, the feedback loop of power that existed between the two.
"I feel it," she whispered. "And you…both of you…"
Sousuke's lips quirked up. "Most people might feel a hint of the connection, but you feel more than that, don't you?"
She nodded, then took her hand back. At once, the waterfall was gone, along with the rush. She almost felt a bit dizzy from the sudden change.
"So…that's not normal?" she asked, feeling a little foolish doing so.
"Maybe for someone at a captain's level," he said, setting the sword down. "Not for a first-year student, no matter how deep their reishi wells go." Holding her gaze, he continued with no hint of flattery or hyperbole in his tone. "You are extraordinary, in the truest sense of the word: outside of the ordinary. If the incident from centuries ago is anything to go by, you have a well of spiritual energy that rivals most captains; there should be no reason for you to not be able to turn that into a physical extension."
Kaede's hands traveled to wrap around her wrists. She could think of at least five reasons for her difficulties, and unless Central 46 changed their minds, they weren't going away anytime soon.
Sousuke's eyes followed her hands' movements. "Kaede…forgive me for being so forward, but you aren't yourself today. You seem…tired. Weak. Were you ill?"
She flinched. "Not exactly, no. It was…something else."
"Something to do with Urahara-san?"
Kaede's hands unconsciously tightened around her arms. "It's noth-"
"No," Sousuke interrupted firmly. "Don't say 'it's nothing.' You don't have to pretend with me."
Closing her eyes - because it was easier to speak when she couldn't see him - she tried again. "It was just a routine checkup. They sometimes take a lot out of me. A day or two for recovery is pretty normal, really."
She felt his warm fingers on her wrists. With a flutter of panic, Kaede realized then that she'd forgotten to wear the long sleeved undershirt that had for months been a part of her personal dress code. The cropped, baggy sleeves of her Academy uniform did little to cover the marks of the Kido bindings, especially since she'd pushed them up for their spar.
Once she noticed this, she tried to pull her arms into her body, grasping at the hems of her sleeves to cover the marks - but it was too late. With gentle fingers, he pried her hands away, exposing the chain pattern. He traced one of the intertwined strands from the cuff-like wrapping around her wrists - where her reiatsu vents were - to where it disappeared under her sleeve.
"Tell me about these," he said, soft enough that it felt less than a command but more than a request. "It's a Kido spell, isn't it?"
Kaede took in a shuddering breath, as much from the shivers from his fingertips glancing over her exposed skin as from her own apprehension.
"It's a set of Kido spells," she admitted. She still couldn't look directly at him as she spoke. "Custom-made. You won't find them in any textbook; they don't have numbers."
"They were made for you."
"Yeah," she said. "Because I can't…they help control my reiatsu so I don't…"
"So there isn't another Catastrophe," Sousuke filled in. "Who put these on you?"
"Urahara-san," Kaede answered, a little surprised at how easily her responses came now. "And Tessai-taicho of the Kido Corps. They created them."
"To bind you."
"To keep me from hurting anyone," she corrected. The names on those paper slips may have been faked, but she'd still killed thousands, wounded more even after the original incident. The guilt of that, the shame of it, wasn't so easy to turn away from.
His thumbs ran lightly over her pulse points. "That 'checkup' you mentioned…I assume it was to make sure these still work as intended? And that in order to ensure that, they had to be tested?"
After a brief hesitation, Kaede nodded.
"And that testing is what's left you in a state of recovery for two days."
Again, she didn't want to admit to it - but it was the truth. She nodded again, slower.
"That isn't 'normal,'" Sousuke said, his thumbs soothing over her pulse points. "Nor is being forced to wear binding seals, much less having them etched into your body."
"No one forced me," she insisted - though even in her ears, it sounded weak.
"Didn't they? I'm guessing you were still a child when they started using them, correct?"
"Yeah, but-"
"And if there was any choice in the matter, it was someone else's to make."
"That's not-" She couldn't finish the argument. It only hit her then that really, she'd never been given a choice.
"It's not as bad as you probably think," she said weakly. "I need these to…to protect everyone else. From me. Because frankly, we still don't know how I made the Catastrophe happen, so…"
It had always been a sound argument in her mind, but saying it aloud now…she wondered if it was.
Sousuke turned her wrists over in his hands. "How many are there?"
Kaede took another deep breath. "Five."
"Five individual binders," he said, examining them. "Intertwined, it seems…"
"Yes…" She wished she could stop talking about this and just focus on his warm fingers on her skin - but she doubted he'd let this go yet. "Neutralize. Suppress. Bind. Repel. And…a Failsafe, though that one is a combination on its own."
She brought a hand up to the center of her chest where, beneath her clothes, the central gathering point of the seals sat on her skin. "'Neutralize' just, well, neutralizes most of my spirit energy so it can't really do anything. It circulates pretty normally otherwise. 'Suppress' - pretty self-explanatory. It suppresses the remaining un-neutralized spirit energy without actually trapping it, so it doesn't burn my body from the inside. 'Bind' is similar, but it specifically keeps my spirit energy from being accessed by me, except in small, controlled increments. It's…not very precise, though."
"That must make Kido difficult," Sousuke mused.
"Yeah…it does." Kaede swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. "'Repel' is because…well, they noticed when I was a child that I was pulling in ambient reishi, and it threatened to overload my system. That's actually the closest thing to an explanation we have for the Catastrophe."
"They think you arrived in Soul Society shortly before the incident," Sousuke surmised, not missing a beat. "The atmosphere here is so dense with reishi that your system was overloaded. The energy had to be released."
Kaede finally dared to glance up at him. His expression was one of…excitement? Fascination? He looked like he'd just discovered a brand new puzzle, his brown eyes lit from within as he took everything in.
Sousuke noticed that she had yet to resume, because he tore his gaze from her arms to meet her eyes again. "Go ahead."
She almost didn't want to - not because she was uncomfortable with talking about all of this (she was, but with Sousuke…it wasn't so bad), but because she really didn't like him looking at her like a science experiment. It reminded her too much of another person, of their unblinking yellow eyes and the uncomfortable truths they planted. But she'd started this explanation, so she might as well finish it.
"The 'Failsafe' was made last," she said. "I, um…okay, I'm going to tell you something about where I grew up, but please…I don't want any of this getting around. Some of it…some of it isn't supposed to be known by just anyone."
He actually looked a bit affronted. "Have I done anything to betray your trust yet?"
She glanced away, feeling chastised. "No…but I had to say it."
Sousuke's shoulders relaxed and he lowered his head. "I understand. And I'm sorry you felt you had to preface this. If you'd prefer not to talk about-"
"No," she insisted. "I…I want to."
Sousuke nodded. The cool shade of the dojo helped her breathe a little easier; even having his hands around hers didn't distract her so much anymore.
"For the first several decades after the Catastrophe," she began, focusing her gaze on a knot in the wood of the platform, "I was held in the Central Underground Prison. Not Muken, like so many people seem to think," she added, rolling her eyes. "Level two. It's outfitted with observation rooms that are lined with suppression spells. That's where they take…prisoners…for medical exams or questioning, since the rooms themselves can neutralize and contain most reiatsu."
For a moment, Kaede saw the bright white walls and black, mirrored glass of the observation room she'd just been in days ago - so similar to the one she'd woken up in all those years prior. In a brief flash of memory, she was that little girl again, terrified, alone…
Kaede stopped, closing her eyes and trying to block out the memory. "Sorry, I…"
"Take your time," Sousuke said, his voice low and soothing.
She nodded. Reopening her eyes, she focused again on that wood knot, grounding herself in the present. "The first few times anyone approached me…I hurt them. I didn't mean to; I was scared, I couldn't control my reiatsu, and it just lashed out…"
Breathe, she reminded herself when images of white-clad Kido Corps members and black-robed medics filled her head, always with at least one person clutching a stump where a finger or hand had been.
"Urahara-san was the first person who could get near me without getting hurt," she continued. "He was able to both shield himself and deflect whatever was leaking from me."
She remembered the first time she'd seen Urahara. She'd been huddled in a corner, crying and screaming when anyone tried to enter the room, all attempts to calm her just agitating her more.
After her voice had gone raw and she'd nearly exhausted herself crying, a new person entered the room. He held what looked like a glowing, diamond-shaped red shield before him from one hand. He didn't say anything at first, just sat cross-legged a few feet from the door, his expression unassuming and friendly.
Once he knew she was watching him, he'd reached into a pocket with his free hand and brought something up to his mouth. When he blew into it, it expanded, inflating into a big, pudgy, round-faced cat with large green eyes. He then silently laid it just in front of his shield, nudging it toward her. She remembered how it bounced lightly across the floor, remembered wanting to reach out for it.
But just as she did hold her hand out to greet it, it disintegrated.
Kaede had started to cry again. He, however, simply smiled patiently and took another from his pocket - this one blew up into a puppy. "It's okay. Let's try again, shall we?"
He'd spent hours with her that day, always calm, patiently blowing up animal after animal for her. He treated it like a game: how close could she let the animals get? Kaede caught on eventually, and once she did, she started to calm down. With some focus, she was able to let the balloon animals get closer and closer - though it would be days before she could actually touch one without it popping or disintegrating.
"He helped me rein it in," Kaede said quietly, drifting back from the memory. "It was the first time I was able to control it, even a little."
"And then he bound you," Sousuke stated, "instead of letting you learn how to do it again."
Kaede's jaw tightened. "It had to be that way. Binding was the condition for letting me live."
"Whose condition?"
She couldn't stop the bitterness from seeping into her voice now. "Central 46."
Sousuke's fingers ever-so-slightly tightened around her own. "Of course."
There was a darkness in that simple statement, a shadow that she simultaneously wanted to explore and escape from.
"You weren't kept in the Central Underground the entire time," he surmised, the darkness receding. "Or at least, not in isolation."
"I wasn't completely alone there," she insisted. "Urahara-san visited me pretty often, and so did Tessai-san. They taught me to read, brought me books and drawing materials. Sometimes they played games with me, once in a while they took me outside - always supervised, usually at night, when there were less people around to see. Unohana-taicho came regularly for medical exams; she was always nice, and showed me how to do origami. Urahara-san taught me Hakuda," she added with a small smile. "That actually helped me a lot. He showed me that I can defend myself in a way that doesn't have to kill people."
She had a sudden memory of practicing with Urahara when she was still a child, her fists tiny as they struck against his open palms. Rather than channeling negative emotions like fear or anger, Hakuda gave her a way to separate from them, letting her rely purely on physicality. She'd taken plenty of hits, fallen to the ground plenty of times, but almost always smiled from it - because every time was further proof that she was more than her reiatsu and the harm it could do.
"But yeah, Urahara-san believed it was important that I be socialized, if I was ever going to make it to the Academy." She almost rolled her eyes at how clinical that sounded. "Of course, they couldn't just let me out in the general public yet, so he brought me somewhere he could personally keep a close eye on both me and the people I interacted with."
"Which was?"
Kaede picked at a loose thread in her uniform. "It has an actual name, but we all called it the 'Nest of Maggots.'"
"Sounds lovely."
"Oh, it was. Prime real estate, if you like underground caves and absolutely no fresh air or sunlight." She'd meant to sound flippant, but it came out far more acidic. "Word of advice: don't ever try to resign from being a Shinigami, and never let people hear you conspiring in any way against the Seireitei. If you need to leave this life, let yourself be grievously injured and get a medic to declare you unfit for duty. You'll be retired without much in the way of pension, but at least you won't end up there."
Sousuke's eyes widened, and Kaede felt a bit of morbid satisfaction at discovering something he hadn't known already. Not that it was that surprising for him to not know of the Nest - officially, the place didn't even exist. She was breaking rules set by Urahara himself by evening mentioning it.
Oddly enough, she couldn't bring herself to care at the moment.
"I see," was all he said, veiling his shock within seconds.
"So, that's where I was the last century or so. It took some tinkering to get the original four seals just right…" The memories rose to her mind with the slightest bidding. A cold hand on her arm, a body half-gone…
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…
"I…had a couple of setbacks at first," she admitted quietly.
"Of course you did," he said, almost more to himself. "You were a child who'd barely been around people, thrown into an environment with desperate, borderline criminal individuals."
When he put it that way, it did seem rather absurd. Who would put a child - well, physically and mentally more of a teenager at the time, but still - in a place like that?
As soon as the idea presented itself, she tried to chase it away. It wasn't insane, it was logical. She had a dangerous ability, and at the time, her seals hadn't been tested around large groups of people. Of course they brought her to a place where…
…where the other people didn't matter.
It hit her like a punch to the gut. The inmates in the Nest were Soul Society's dirt being swept under the rug; they had essentially disappeared from the outside world. Within decades, they were probably forgotten by anyone who knew or cared about them.
So what did it matter if a few of them were accidentally disintegrated?
"Are you all right?" Sousuke asked.
She shook her head, her hand flying to her mouth. No, she was not all right. She felt like she was going to be sick. Going to the Nest hadn't been about "socialization;" they - Central 46, Urahara - were conducting a real-time experiment, unleashing a volatile element upon a pack of unsuspecting lab rats to see what resulted.
Before her stomach could turn any more, Kaede dashed over to the bamboo fountain. She splashed the water on her face and neck, then just held her wrists under its gentle flow, letting the cool liquid run over her clammy palms.
This couldn't be right. Urahara had advocated for her life. The seals, the books, hell, even the Nest were all to get her here, to the Academy, where she could finally become more than a dangerous liability. He wouldn't have let her be some living science experiment.
She was aware of Sousuke's presence then, quiet and calm beside her. He passed her his towel and stood silently by as she gathered herself.
"The Failsafe." She grasped onto the detestable thing like a lifeline. She couldn't be right about the motives behind her time in the Nest; that just wasn't possible, not when the Failsafe existed. "It…it helped keep everyone else safe. I mean, the name kind of gives that away, but…that's what it does. The guards were told only to use it if I put people in imminent danger. If my reiatsu leaked through the seals. It basically turns the other seals up to their max strength and paralyzes me at the same time so I…so I can't…"
Trying to explain it all away only made more bile rise in her throat. Every test and exam she'd been put through…it couldn't have all been experiments. Even if it was, it was all for her sake and for the sake of others.
"It had to be done," she whispered - though who she was trying to convince, she wasn't sure. "I mean…I'm lucky, really. Other people have done less than what I did and have died for it, or been locked away for life. I have a chance to be an asset and help people."
"Is that what you truly believe," Sousuke asked softly, "or what they've told you to believe?"
"It's true! I killed thousands of people-"
"You said it yourself: no one knows exactly what happened that day, including you."
She had to calm down - she was getting hysterical, and if she didn't calm down, the pressure inside would grow and she might…
As she tried to breathe and quiet the storm brewing inside, she heard Sousuke's voice, still calm, still steady. "You don't know, and neither do they. Yet instead of trying to understand, they shut you away. Instead of helping you come into your power as a strong Shinigami, they bound your power up so tightly that you can't even use it. How, exactly, does that teach you control?"
He lifted her chin, and she forced herself to look into his eyes. "Be honest with me, Kaede: how much have you truly been able to learn at the Academy so far?"
Nothing, her traitorous brain answered for her. "I know the Kido incantations. I know the theory-"
"Theory is useless without practice," he said. "And your seals don't allow you to access your spirit energy. Isn't that what you said?"
"Yeah, but-"
"And you haven't been able to discover your Zanpakuto's spirit," he continued. "Even though you have more than enough power to have one."
"How would you know?!" Kaede pushed away from him. "You're a student here too! It's not like you know everything!"
"I know that those seals don't stop you from sensing reiatsu," he replied evenly. "It's been theorized that one's spiritual potential directly influences one's sensory ability, and your senses are far above average. That tells anyone with a bit of logical reasoning that you shouldn't have an issue with Kido or Zanjutsu - unless some outside force was holding you back."
Her heart sank, even though this was hardly news to her. She felt nothing from her sword, no matter how often she meditated with it. She knew the Kido incantations, but was barely able to call forth enough reiatsu to pull one off.
"Those seals aren't just for protecting other people," he said. "They're designed to keep you from becoming a true Shinigami. They don't want you to know your power."
That, at least, was an easy argument to scoff at. "That's ridiculous. Why would they let me come to the Academy if they didn't want me to become a Shinigami?"
"To give you hope, because hope keeps you controlled and complacent."
"You're starting to sound like some of the crazies they keep in the Nest."
A shadow crossed his face. "Are you going to tell Urahara-san as much?"
She blinked. "What? Why would I-"
"As a warden of this 'Nest of Maggots,'" Sousuke said lightly, "wouldn't it fall under his purview to identify and detain such 'crazies?'"
Kaede shook her head - but she couldn't deny that he was, technically, correct. Urahara was the head of the Detention Unit, after all, and she'd seen plenty of inmates in the Nest whose theories were even milder or made far less sense than the one Sousuke had just suggested. One word to Urahara, and Sousuke might simply…disappear.
"No," she whispered, her heart clenching. "I'm not going to tell Urahara-san about this." She swallowed, squaring her shoulders. "But I'm not into entertaining conspiracy theories."
She started to walk away, but Sousuke's voice drifted after her.
"How many Kido spells have you been able to cast? How many konso rituals have you performed?"
She stopped, eyes closing in an effort to calm down. Once the questions sank in, though…
"You haven't performed any soul burials," Sousuke said, coming up behind her. "Have you?"
Grinding her teeth, she forced herself to reply with the truth: "I'm not allowed outside the Academy grounds. So no, I haven't."
"So you aren't allowed to learn how to do the most basic duty of any Shinigami," Sousuke summarized.
He didn't have to say any more; she'd already said it in her mind. They - Central 46, the instructors, even Urahara…they were holding her back on purpose. They didn't want her to learn. They didn't want her using her power at all.
Everything she'd endured - all the tests, the bowing and scraping, giving thanks for every scrap she was given…the humiliation, the double standards, having to prove her worth again and again and again…
Was it all for nothing?
Sousuke's velvet-soft voice was in her ear then. "Everything going through your head right now…don't run from it. Embrace it, for it is the truth. It hurts…but if you've proven anything with your life so far, it's that you can handle pain. You can conquer it."
His words seeped into her soul like a balm, or maybe more like fuel feeding the embers she'd long tried to smother. She'd always known these things on some level, but it had been easier to deny them…easier to pretend she didn't know them at all.
"You needed those falsehoods before," he continued, as though reading her mind. "They were your shield against despair when you needed hope. But you're out now. Your freedom is within reach; that shield is just one more chain holding you back."
She wanted to believe him - oh, how she desperately, ravenously needed to believe him. But the memory of people's limbs disappearing, their blood spattered on her face and chest…the knowledge that every six months, like clockwork, she was reminded of just how chained she was to Soul Society's expectations and demands…
"How?" she asked. "You don't get it. I know what they do to anyone who steps out of line. I grew up with that knowledge - it is etched into my skin." She clawed at the Kido symbols on her arms. "How am I supposed to be 'free' of that?"
Sousuke reached around from her back and laid his hands on hers, stopping her from scratching herself. Kaede, shocked at his proximity, stiffened in his hold. Her heart started racing, her instincts demanding she break free.
"You've already begun," he whispered, his breath warm against her hair. "It has to start from within. Otherwise, it doesn't matter if I or anyone else breaks these chains…" He lightly squeezed her arms. "…if you believe yourself to be bound, you will be."
"That's…nice," she bit out, incapable of relaxing when it felt like he was literally caging her in his arms. "But it doesn't help me learn Kido or awaken my Zanpakuto. It doesn't let me leave the grounds to do a real konso ritual."
She felt more than heard his chuckle, the rumble of it against her back making her muscles loosen ever so slightly. To her immense relief, he released her, his fingers sliding back up her arms as he backed away.
"I can help you with that," he said, walking back to the patio platform. "In fact, we can begin in a few weeks. This may come as a surprise, since I'm still technically a fourth-year student, but next term I will be assisting on trips to the Human World."
Finally able to breathe again, Kaede was sure she missed something. "So?"
"So…" Sousuke took Kyoka Suigetsu, which had been sitting out on the deck, and lined it up with its sheath. "I can get you into those trips. Truthfully, one doesn't need to know the name of their Zanpakuto to perform konso - even the asauchi are equipped for the task." He met her eyes with a suggestive grin. "So there is no reason you couldn't perform one yourself."
His sword slid into the sheath with a metallic click.
Kaede stared at him as he secured his Zanpakuto at his side, needing to wrap her head around this. "You're saying…"
Sousuke walked back to her, his smile once again the bland, polite one he so often donned, the sunlight glinting off his reclaimed glasses.
"Come to the north Kido grounds, three weeks from this Friday," he said quietly, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Be discreet, but don't worry too much about being seen. I'll take care of the rest."
At first, Kaede tried to talk herself out of everything Sousuke had said to her. Once she was physically apart from him, it all seemed ludicrous again. Of course Urahara wasn't holding her back; he'd given her every tool he could to help her succeed. He didn't have to lend her books that allowed her to be ahead of everyone in her year; he didn't have to teach her hand-to-hand combat.
But as the weeks went on, other things began standing out to her that strengthened Sousuke's assertions.
First, there was her overall class grouping. At the Academy, every incoming class was divided according to their entrance exam scores. Those with the highest scores - or the most influential families, she learned - were in the most advanced group, and so on going down the line. Kaede was sure she'd scored high in the entrance exams, because when she'd taken them while still in the Nest, they'd felt easy.
Yet she was in the lowest ranking group of her year.
Why? It couldn't be about Kido or Zanjutsu; those things didn't factor into the entry requirements. Only one's measured reiatsu, along with their physical and academic skills, were considered.
Well, her reiatsu was so strong it had to be bound with multiple Kido seals. She knew the academic material so well that she struggled to stay awake from boredom. And Hakuda? She knew she was good at that. She had actual, experience-based skills in that area.
Only her Kido and Zanjutsu were lacking - and with the idea that she wasn't expected to succeed in them plaguing her every waking thought, Kaede began to experiment.
She could perform some Kido, but it was unreliable - because her handle on her own reiatsu was unreliable. It always had been. She'd attributed this to her own ineptitude and lack of control, but when she focused and aligned her power just right…the simpler spells worked. It took a lot of concentration, and sometimes she felt like she was playing tug-of-war with her own reiatsu, but it worked.
The potential was there.
During Zanjutsu training, when the instructors had everyone practicing jinzen - the meditative state for communing with their swords - Kaede tried something a little different. Instead of her previous, frustration-tinged attempts to imprint her essence onto her sword, she turned her attention inward, focusing on her own spirit energy - all of it. There was the familiar, arhythmic trickle of the energy not bound by the seals, and there were the walls created by the seals themselves. At first, she pushed and pulled at them, trying to break through to the power they kept from her - but they stood solid as stone barricades.
But when she stopped pushing at the seals, when she let go and simply sank into herself…there were flashes, fleeting glimpses of something just beyond. Something she couldn't reach yet, but she knew it was there, like looking through a chink in a wall.
And once, just once so far…she had heard a voice that wasn't her own. It was soft, distant, barely a whisper on a breeze that didn't quite reach her and that she couldn't yet understand…but it was there.
It was calling to her.
During those weeks, not once did she seek out Sousuke. Part of her was still angry with him, offended at the insinuations and outright accusations against Urahara. She still wasn't sure he was right about the warden, but she couldn't deny that since that day, she'd come to think of Urahara as just that - her warden. Not her mentor, her friend, or even her ally.
She wasn't sure if she'd ever see him that way again.
There was also a part of her that ached to find Sousuke during those weeks, that missed their other, less charged conversations and craved the validation he gave her. She fell asleep with the image of his glasses-free face imprinted on her eyelids; she imagined what he'd say about the mundane things she observed from day to day, heard him bantering with her in her mind.
And when she successfully pulled off a Kido spell, or caught another glimpse of that other world inside of her…she saw his secretive smile, full of promises about her own potential.
When the Friday in question arrived at last, Kaede had already made her decision. She "borrowed" a hooded cloak from the laundry, not really caring who it actually belonged to, and called on old skills learned in the Nest to make herself "invisible." No Kido or any other sort of spell needed; it was all about presentation, and she knew how to make herself blend into the background.
There were other first-years already gathered at the rendez-vous point Sousuke had given her; at first, Kaede shrank back, suddenly unsure of this plan. No amount of "presentation" skill would hide her from a group of students who were about to go through a highly-regulated gate into another dimension.
But then Sousuke caught her eye and nodded. He was, indeed, part of the trio of upperclassmen leading this field trip, and the only one who wasn't a sixth-year, going by the other two's uniform stitching.
Kaede had long suspected that Aizen Sousuke was something of a model student, but this confirmed it by far - even more so when he took the lead.
"Everyone," he called in the most perfect, polite tone she'd ever heard him use. "Please step forward to receive your Hell Butterflies before we begin."
He was speaking and gesturing to the group, but his eyes beckoned her along. Still not sure how he thought he was going to pull this off, Kaede hesitantly stepped up to the group.
No one even glanced her way. Surely the hooded cloak should have seemed strange out in the open, or someone should have realized she wasn't part of their usual group…but she may as well have been truly invisible. As she inched closer to the open Senkaimon gate - and more importantly, to the white-clad members of the Kido Corps who were handing out the Hell Butterflies - she grew increasingly tense. Her muscles coiled, ready to bolt at the first sign that this was not going to work.
When it was her turn to take a Hell Butterfly, she was sure her heart would burst straight from her chest. Surely the gatekeeper could hear it pounding, and that, if nothing else, would give her away. Or he would sense the seals she bore, or those seals would set off some sort of alarm…
Then Sousuke himself came over and let the Hell Butterfly perch on his finger before turning to her. He held out his hand; apprehensive, Kaede carefully accepted the black butterfly, its spindly legs tickling her finger when it landed. The whole time, he was smiling at her, the same secretive smile that had haunted her dreams these past weeks.
It was a smile meant solely for her it seemed, for when he turned back to address the class, it was gone. "Is everyone ready? Don't be afraid; so long as you have your Hell Butterfly, you have nothing to fear during our passage. There have been reports of a recent battle in the area we're going to, so everyone will have ample practice today. Please, do your best!"
It was so weird to see him act so…nice, without so much as a hint of irony or mockery. This, Kaede realized, was how other people saw Aizen Sousuke - or rather, what he let them see. She'd definitely been right to call him a "bullshit artist" months ago. Yet she no longer felt apprehensive toward him about that. She, after all, got to see behind the mask.
Kaede approached the Senkaimon a bit hesitantly, still uncertain about how this would work. She was the last in line; Sousuke took his place behind her, clearly meant to be the rear guard for the group.
Kaede took a deep breath and stepped into the Senkaimon. There were no alarm bells, no triggered Kido seals…she was in.
"Ready to step out?" Sousuke asked in a low voice that only she heard.
Kaede looked from her feet, standing firmly on the path to the Human World, then ahead at the backs of her classmates - and grinned. Yes. Yes, she was.
So…
So now we - and Sousuke in particular - know what all those seals do. Kaede's questioning everything she took to be true, including the intentions of people like Urahara. She's also starting to break those rules that she used to cling to…what else might Sousuke get her to do in the future?
And Hiyori is just there being Hiyori, which in this story is synonymous with "awesome."
Next Time: Captains Visit. We jump ahead about a year or so to a strange incident, and some more familiar faces start popping up…including a certain contrarian captain. Oh, and someone gets to show off their Shikai~
Stay tuned!