Nick stood nervously outside the door of his boyfriend's hospital room, clutching a bag he had brought to his attention.
He had crossed paths with Tori when she and Michael were finally going home to get some rest and he had been reluctant to enter the room ever since.
It wasn't that he didn't want to see Charlie, obviously he wanted to, but he was still very shaken by the events of the previous night and was afraid.
Deciding after a long breath that he couldn't stay there any longer, he pushed the door and a shy smile appeared on his lips when he met the gaze of Charlie, quietly sitting in his bed. Damn, how relieved and happy he was to see him despite the circumstances. It meant something, right ?
He came to sit next to him, finding him looking less dejected, even if it was perhaps only his imagination.
They looked at each other, each hesitating to speak but Nick ended up leaning in to give his boyfriend a quick kiss. He suddenly felt horrified that he could have never been able to do that again.
His distress must have shown on his face as Charlie gave him an apologetic look.
- How do you… they started at the same time.
They exchanged a smile and Nick's hand came gently to shake his companion's.
- How are you feeling?
Charlie grimaced and chuckled mirthlessly.
- Stupid… and… shocked.. I don't know… I don't know what happened, I don't understand, I don't remember.. and I'm… really, REALLY sorry, Nick.
- Don't worry.
- You and Tori should never have seen this…how could I do this to you? He wondered aloud with guilt. Everything was going so well, I… I don't get it, I swear, Nick, I never wanted to do this to you.
- Alright, I believe you, I believe you. Tried to soothe Nick.
- You don't deserve this...
- It's nothing.
- No, it's not nothing! Charlie exclaimed excitedly. Tori must be furious…I promised her that I would never again…but I…I don't know what happened. And you... you must think I'm crazy..
- No, stop, I'll never think that of you.
- But I'm obviously crazy to do that without even really knowing why!
- You're sick, it's not your fault.
- But then whose fault is it?
- Nobody.
- So I can't blame anyone for being this pathetic, miserable cliché?
- Charlie, don't say that. It'll be fine, you'll be fine.
- I was doing so well, Nick…with OCD and anorexia…I was doing better!
- I know, but you know that we can relapse sometimes, and it's ok, you just have to hang on. I'm here, okay? And I'll be there, every time you stumble.
- But why ? Why are you doing this to yourself?
There was so much desperation in his voice that Nick would have cried, but instead he tried to inject some levity into this surreal conversation:
- Because I love you, you idiot. You are my favorite person on this earth, Charlie Spring.
From the way he was looking at him, he knew that Charlie only half believed him. There was so much emotion in his expression, a bit of amusement and surprise and maybe a tad bit of embarrassment too. More than 3 years that they knew each other, how could Charlie still doubt his feelings? Maybe he would never fully believe it and that thought saddened Nick a lot.
But Charlie backed down and gave him one of his cute little smiles that showed off his dimples.
- You're a real marshmallow… he complained falsely.
- But you like it, admit it!
Charlie chuckled and shook his head. His hand squeezed the blond's again and he asked:
- And you? How are you?
- I'm okay, don't worry about me.
- Nick, Charlie insisted.
He hesitated. He didn't want to add to his burden but he didn't want to lie to him either. He gently leaned his forehead against his boyfriend's shoulder, unable to meet his gaze as he spoke those words:
- I've never been so scared in my entire life.
Charlie bit his bottom lip and gave the rugby player a pained look as he sat up.
- I am sorry.
- I know.
But still, a question was tormenting him.
- Is it… he began before breaking off.
- What ?
- No, forget it, it's nothing, it's stupid.
- Nick… what is it?
The blond looked down, feeling ashamed and dreading the answer to this question that had been torturing him since Tori's call, so he blurted out, in a small voice:
- Did I say.. or do.. anything that…
His voice cracked and Charlie's hand crushed his as he almost shouted:
- NO ! No, no, of course not! It had nothing to do with you.
- I would never forgive myself if I hurt you, even without realizing it, ESPECIALLY without realizing it.
- That's not the case. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. Being with you is the only thing that makes me want to get up in the morning...
- Char'...
He knew Charlie was trying to reassure him but in reality, it only worried him more. He couldn't be his boyfriend's only purpose, could he? It wasn't normal and it wasn't healthy. But he couldn't tell him that, all he could do was be there and try to support him, if not really help him.
- It had nothing to do with you. Charlie repeated with conviction.
- So what ?
- I don't know… he muttered, shaking his head, looking genuinely lost.
Nick's gaze fell on the brunet's bandaged wrists and his stomach twisted at the thought of the wounds they hid. Charlie caught his eyes and pulled his hand free to slip it under the covers.
- Anyway, I brought you something! Announced Nick who preferred to ignore it.
He lifted the bag he had left near his armchair and put it down in front of his friend who hastened to release the jumper it contained.
- You brought me one of your jumpers! He exclaimed with a big smile, putting it on immediately before taking a deep, blissful breath. And he smells like you… Thank you, I love it.
- Well, I knew you would need your daily dose of Nick!
- Shut up!
They exchanged a knowing little laugh, which made them both feel good. Then Nick leaned in to kiss him, but this time Charlie didn't settle for a chaste kiss and pulled him more languidly against him to show his gratitude:
- Best boyfriend, ever!
They shared another laugh, then another kiss, and things seemed to fall into place for a few moments.
- By the way! And your interview! It was this morning, right? How was it? Charlie suddenly remembered.
Nick was moved that he remembered it despite the circumstances and preferred not to mention that he almost didn't go.
- Uh yes, well it went well, I start tomorrow.
- Oh? Already…?
- Yes, but I work from 1 p.m. to 9 p.m. and I have two days off during the week.
- That's great, I'm happy for you.
He was smiling but Nick now knew how to recognize his real smiles from others and this one definitely fell into the second category.
- We can see each other every day, Nick tried to reassure him, and as soon as you go out, you can come home.
- Sure.
- My mother kisses you, by the way.
- How nice.
- Tori told your parents?
- Yes, I got them on the phone earlier, I managed to convince them not to come home right away to not ruin Oliver's vacation. Anyway, I'm stuck here for a few more days so...
- I'll come see you every morning until then. And I'll prepare a little holiday program for you as soon as you get back!
- You don't have to…
- Teuh teuh teuh, I'm not asking your opinion!
- I'm way too lucky. Charlie smiled tenderly.
And this time he was sincere.