Sarah had been attentive and understanding, as always. Nick and her started looking online for professionals in the area, and after consulting a few sites, Nick chose a psychologist who was used to working with teenagers. He had called and made his first appointment for the following week and the simple fact of doing it was already making him feel better.

He went back to see Charlie at the hospital who was looking forward to his morning visit. The latter still wore the sweet that Nick had brought him. It was too big for him so it hid his wrists in addition to bringing him a little comfort. The brunet was starting to get severely bored sitting in his room all day and the hospital shrink thought that was a good thing. He would surely be home before the weekend.

In the middle of their conversation, Charlie looked a little uncomfortable, like he was hesitant to say something to his boyfriend, but eventually he did.

- Ben wrote to me.

Nick flinched and repeated, surprised:

- Ben ?

He tried to ignore the lump that formed in his stomach at the mere mention of the man he had once believed to be a friend. One of the rare people he viscerally hated now.

Charlie nodded shyly as Nick continued in a voice he wanted neutral:

- What did he want?

- Check in on me, apparently he found out I was in the hospital.

How the hell could he have learned it so quickly? The Paris squad had only known about it for two days and it's not like any of them would tell him.

- I didn't know you were still in touch.

This idea made him sick.

- We're not ! Hastened Charlie to correct him. I didn't hear from him for years, I hadn't seen him since he left for college.

Nick knew it should have reassured him but it didn't.

- Did you answer him?

The brunet shook his head negatively.

- Are you going to ?

- I don't know, Charlie grimaced, taking Nick's breath away.

He wasn't expecting this answer. And he really, really didn't like it.

- Oh. Okay .

- Would you rather I didn't ?

- Well, it's not my job to tell you what to do, Charlie. He answered with more coldness than he intended. You are a big boy, you can make your own choices.

- Yes I know but…

- Can we talk about something else? Nick cut him off abruptly.

Charlie fell silent, looking embarrassed and worried, which immediately made his boyfriend feel guilty. Damn, why was he reacting like that? He never got annoyed with Charlie usually! He felt so on edge. He didn't want to be the kind of guy who got angry or kicked the people he loved. It wasn't him. They were supposed to be able to tell each other everything.

- I'm sorry, I can't stand this guy, I really thought I'd never hear from him ever again.

- Me too.

The silence stretched between them, uncomfortable. Nick hated it, their silences had never been so heavy before. He didn't want it to be like that between them. They had promised each other a long time ago to tell each other everything and even if it was hard sometimes, he tried to stick to it, to be honest, to share his fears. But Charlie had tried to kill himself and Nick still thought he was partly responsible, so he was being more careful, more distant probably too, because he was afraid to cause something to sink his boyfriend again. He knew, however, that it would only create more difficulties if he could no longer open up to the man he loved, so he sighed and whispered:

- He hurt you.

- Aww, Nick…

- He doesn't deserve to be part of your life, you don't have to forgive him.

- I know, but it was a long time ago. I am no longer the same, he no longer has a hold on me.

A few weeks ago, Nick would surely have agreed, but there had been that suicide attempt and part of him didn't trust Charlie anymore. But that, he couldn't tell him, because he knew Charlie would be devastated.

He felt like he had regressed, when he had been so certain a few days ago that everything would be fine for them.

Damn, he was really looking forward to meeting this shrink, because he didn't feel able to live with all this fear, guilt and anxieties all the time. But that too, he had decided not to tell him for the moment. He didn't want to arouse his boyfriend's guilt; it had already marked out their relationship far too much. Nick was going to wait to see how his appointments went and when he felt ready, and ideally better, then he would tell him.

- I just want you to be careful, okay?

- I Promise.

They embraced and Nick tried to convince himself, for the thousandth time in a few days – but in vain – that everything would be fine.