Chapter title: Everything Starts Today
Chapter summary: Going back about 15 years, Casey relives the night of her senior prom.

Pairing: Casey/Chad
Publish date: March 21, 2006
Disclaimer: Ownership of Dick Wolf & Co. characters are not mine. I do, however, own Chad Jackson. The chapter title is yet another Guster lyric from "Keep it Together." I don't own Guster or their lyrics, but I do own their CDs. :)

Note: Sorry, the first chapter had spoilers for "Rockabye," not "Runaway." I think because the girl was considered a runaway, that was what popped into my head. slaps wrists with ruler for not double checking

Note part 2: Maybe Casey IS making a big deal out of telling Olivia. But think, have you ever had a secret – big or small – that you worried once you told someone, they'd see you differently? That's all I'll say for now, I'll address those concerns in another chapter.

Thank you Kim for your insight and background. That website was very helpful.

Prom night. It's the night to look forward to all year, hell, all four years of high school. My high school had the best proms. I'm sure every school claims that, but ours was truly amazing. Granted, I had only heard about my own school's proms, so I really don't have much to base it on. But the point is, prom is a big deal at my school. I'd even go as far to say it's bigger than the Homecoming game. At any rate, it was my senior year, and I had been looking forward to this night for years. Freshmen were absolutely not allowed, only a handful of sophomores were invited, most of the juniors, and all the seniors. I didn't have any sort of date my junior year so I didn't go. This year, however, I was going with Chad Jackson. We met during the summer when we co-coached the elementary school's summer baseball camp and started dating sometime around the start of spring semester. Our school was fairly big, which is why we never ran into each other or had classes together before. We officially became boyfriend and girlfriend around Valentine's Day. By that I mean we had "the talk," the discuss-the-relationship talk. We decided we really liked each other and from that point we were practically inseparable. There were times when he tried to act all macho in front of his friends, which always hurt, and we had our share of fights, but when he'd bring me flowers I'd melt and remember why I was so in love with him.

I was a little sad as I was getting ready that night. This was one of the many times I longed for my mother (she had taken off before my younger brother Seth turned one) to be there with me, to paint my nails or curl my hair, or help me zip up my dress. My dad and brothers were great, but it wasn't the same. My oldest brother, Matt, must have sensed something was wrong and went out to buy me a dress. Bless his heart, he brought back a bright pink dress with long sleeves and so much tulle Chad and I would have to stand an arms length away from each other. When I tried it on he realized his mistake and took me with him to pick out a dress. My find was an emerald green, satiny dress. It had tiny straps and the zipper was covered by a length of fabric that matched the color of the dress. I felt elegant and beautiful, and for once my red hair and pale skin worked in my favor.

Chad picked me up early for a dinner at a nice restaurant. I had my duffel bag packed for the evening. We told our families we were going to the after party and were going to crash at a friend's house. But really, our plan was to be cliché and stay at a hotel and spend our first "real" night together. I was nervous and for a big chunk of dinner my mind was focused on the upcoming night. Chad was the decision-maker, and I had little to no input in it. I tried to object but he never listened. I didn't want to be a baby about it, but I didn't feel quite ready to give such an important piece of myself over to him. At least not yet.

At the party we played blackjack for awhile and raked up lots of money/vouchers/points. After that we hit the dance floor. I'm so uncoordinated, and I'm sure I made a fool out of myself the way I was dancing, but I didn't care. I was having so much fun. At some point Chad disappeared for a few minutes and a few minutes after he came back the DJ played our song. Chad led me to the back of the dance floor where only a few people were standing. He wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest. I could hear and practically feel his heart beating, fast and strong. When he kissed the top of my head I felt this surge of love for him. It was different than anything I'd felt before. I knew right then that, for me, this was the defining moment of our relationship, and it would be the most precious moment I'd remember. After the song was over we just stood there for several seconds, embraced in each others arms. I don't know about him, but I didn't want that moment to end. When we finally pulled apart, he led me to a corner where we made out until a chaperone admonished us and we went back to the blackjack table. The rest of the evening we alternated between gambling and dancing. At the end of the night was the auction, and with our winnings pooled together we won dinner at a nice restaurant and theatre tickets.

We went to an all night diner and had pancakes – in our prom attire, might I add – then changed into comfortable clothes before heading to the hotel. We wanted to be discreet about it, so we didn't wear our fancy clothes to the hotel. We hoped people would think of us as a college couple on a weekend trip, not awkward high school students having sex after prom. Chad didn't want our first time to be in a seedy motel, so he fished out some extra money and we stayed somewhere nice. Well, nicer than a seedy motel. Not nice like a fancy chain such as the Marriott or the Hyatt.

When the door closed my apprehension returned. I didn't want to do it, I wasn't ready. But I knew Chad would be furious with me for copping out at the last minute, especially after he paid for the hotel room and dinner. And I didn't want to ruin what had been a perfect night up to this point.

I sat on the edge of the bed, unsure of what to do and just plain nervous. Chad sat down next to me and we started kissing. His hands ran down my chest and stomach and he unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the floor. He pulled his t-shirt over his head and tossed it next to my shirt. He kissed my shoulders and neck as he unhooked my bra, then sat back to examine me. We had never actually seen each other naked. We'd messed around plenty of times but it was always touching under the clothes. The greedy way he looked my breasts made me uncomfortable and I had to resist the temptation to cover myself up. He was starting to undo my pants when I placed my hands on his shoulders and pushed him away.

"Not yet," I whispered. His hands lingered on my zipper before moving to my waist and we lay down on the bed, kissing like it was the last time we'd ever be together. After several minutes he made a trail of kisses down my stomach and to my jeans, where he once again tried to take them off. I patted his head. "I'm still not ready," I said when he looked up. Something changed in his face then. He straightened up and sat back on his heels, almost pinning me beneath him.

"What do you mean, you aren't ready?"

"I thought I was, but I'm not."

"Casey, we planned this together. You agreed!"

Only because you kept pressuring me, I thought. "I know, but I've thought about it and I'm not ready yet. Can't we wait?"

"Wait?" he asked incredulously. He snorted. "I've been waiting long enough, Casey. Don't you love me?"

"Of course I love you, Chad."

"Then let's do it."

"I don't know…"

Then he hit me. Not a punch or a slap, but a backhand on the right side of my waist. I froze and willed the tears back. "Bitch, you don't love me," he said, spitting out each word. He rolled off me and sat on the edge of the bed. I was hurt by his words and his actions, but I was terrified he'd leave so I got up and put my arms around him from behind and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Baby, I do love you."

"If you loved me, you'd have sex with me."

I bit my lip. Lose my virginity or lose Chad? "Okay."

"Good." He turned around and pushed me down on the bed and pulled my pants and underwear off. He was no longer gentle and loving but rough and animal-like. I was almost afraid of him. If he didn't get his way I wouldn't put it past him to take off with my clothes and leave me to fend for myself. I tried to convince myself he was only frustrated with me at the moment and it would change. I realized as he was lowering himself on top of me we didn't have any protection.

"Wait, Chad. Wait. Do you have a condom?"

"No."

"Maybe we should-"

"No, we aren't waiting. Besides, you can't get pregnant the first time."

"I don't think that's true."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it is. I heard it somewhere. Health class, I think."

So I nodded. It was all I could do at this point. When he entered me, it hurt. It hurt so much more than I expected it would, and I bit my lip to keep from crying out. From my non-existent experience, it seemed too rough – to the point where it was painful. He wasn't touching me or kissing me. Sex wasn't supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be wonderful and gentle and feel good – the complete opposite of what I was experiencing. I wasn't enjoying it at all. Chad, on the other hand, was a different story. I couldn't look at him, so I closed my eyes and just lay there, waiting for it to be over. When he finished, he collapsed on top of me and didn't move for a few minutes. I started to cry silently and tried to push him off me. He grunted and rolled over, mumbling something that sounded like "that was good." He rolled over, his back to me, and after a few minutes he began to snore softly. When I was sure he was asleep, I slipped out of bed and into the bathroom.

I turned on the hot water until steam filled the tiny bathroom, and then I stepped in. I washed myself and when I was done, I was hit with this overwhelming sadness. I didn't like it. I didn't like the person Chad had become. I almost felt violated. I sank to the floor of the tub and wrapped my arms around my knees and cried. I cried until the hot water ran out.