Chapter title: Were You Always Cruel?
Chapter summary: Casey deals with the aftermath of prom.
Publish date: April 5, 2006
Disclaimer: I still don't own anyone or anything to do with Law & Order, nor do I own Guster or their songs. Chad is still mine, even though he is a pig.
Note: Going with my theme of Guster lyric titles, this one is from my favorite Guster song, "Either Way."

When I got back in bed, I don't even think Chad knew I had left. The entire night he slept with his back to me, and it was almost like he was careful to not touch me. I never really fell asleep that night. I lay there, curled in a ball, until Chad woke up. He got out of bed, put on his boxers and jeans, then did the push-shake thing to wake me up. I rolled over to face him, expecting a good morning kiss. Instead I got a command: "Hurry up and get dressed. I have to take you home." He was already moving about the room, packing up his things before heading into the bathroom to shower.

I got dressed slowly and made coffee, then sat in a chair by the window while I waited for Chad to get ready.

"Good, you made coffee," he said, pouring himself a glass. He took a big swig before spitting it back in the cup and then tossing it all down the sink. "That tastes like shit." He wiped his mouth with a hand towel then threw it on the floor.

"I-I-" I began, trying to make feeble excuse. He cut me off by tossing my jacket to me, grabbing his bag, and heading for the door.

"Are you coming or not?" he asked in the open doorway, his foot tapping impatiently. I nodded and went to get my bag before following him out to the truck. He didn't open the door for me. I don't know what went wrong, but this morning Chad was a completely different person. He's only gotten this way when we've had a big fight, but I can't remember fighting. I just wanted to go home, crawl in bed, and cry.

When we arrived at my house, he made no effort to get out and walk me to the door. "Well, see you later," he said, not looking at me. I paused before getting out of the car, debating on whether or not I wanted to try for a goodbye kiss. Before I could make my decision, he turned to look at me, his blue eyes cold and hard. "Are you gonna get out? I need to be somewhere."

I felt like I had been slapped. "Oh. Okay. I'll see you at school. Thanks for, uh, everything." I hopped out of the truck and closed the door. I leaned in to the open window to say "I love you," but he was already driving off. I stared after him until he turned off my street, then walked slowly up to the front door. It was Sunday morning. That meant my dad and Matt were at church, Evan was working, and Seth was still asleep. So at least I'd have a little privacy. I crawled in bed and pulled the comforter over my head and cried. I didn't want to think about what had happened, but no matter how hard I tried, it was all I could think about. Why Chad had suddenly become this cruel animal, why he didn't seem to care about me. I thought that this whole time he had just been using me, but I pushed the thought from my head. Chad wasn't like that. He coached elementary baseball. He went to church. He was going to college on a sports scholarship and was going to be a doctor. People like that don't use their girlfriends. I comforted myself with these thoughts, but I still felt miserable. I cried myself to sleep.

I awoke later to a soft knock on my door. It was Matt, and it was already dark out. I looked at my clock: 7:30. I must have looked like a train wreck; I know I felt like one. He came over and sat next to me.

"Casey my daisy, what's wrong?" he asked softly, brushing my hair out of my face. Out of all my brothers, I'm the closest to Matt, and his affection was more than I could handle right then. I started to cry again and pulled my comforter back over my head. I didn't want him to see me cry and I couldn't tell him what happened. I was too embarrassed. But he wouldn't let me get away that easily. He pulled the comforter back down. "Come on Casey. Something happened."

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"Girls don't come home after their senior prom and cry."

I bit my lip and sat up. I had to give him an answer otherwise he'd never leave me alone. "I think Chad is gonna break up with me. At the after party, I saw him flirting with other girls."

The way he looked at me made me think he knew the truth, and that I was lying, but he didn't push me further. He just hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder. After a few minutes he pushed me away. "Dad's cooking tonight, do you want to come down, or do you want to eat up here?"

"I don't really feel like company. And I'm not very hungry."

"Casey, have you eaten at all today?" he asked. I shook my head. "You need to eat. And after dinner – you, me, and Seth can go to the batting cages. Work off a little steam. You know that sounds good," he said, grinning and punching me in the arm. I smiled in spite of myself and agreed. He left me alone then, and I showered before joining my family for dinner.

My family didn't ask about prom. I guess they somehow knew that it didn't turn out as well as I hoped it would, and that I'd say something when I was ready. I appreciated that.

After dinner my oldest and youngest brother and I went to the batting cages. I lost myself there. I think I hit nearly every ball that came out of the chute.

"Geez, Casey. What did the ball ever do to you?" Seth asked. He was standing in the aisle behind me, a bewildered look on his face.

"Bad day, Seth. The balls are everything that's happened," I said, not looking at him, just focusing on the making contact. I guess he accepted that answer, and sat on one of the benches and waited for me and Matt to finish. I don't know how many rounds I went through, I just kept going and going. After the last round I realized there was only one other person in the cages. Matt and Seth were sitting on a bench behind me, waiting silently.

"Guys, how long have you been waiting?" I asked, discarding my helmet and stuffing my gloves and bat into a bag.

"Oh, about an hour," Matt said, looking at his watch. "It's nearly midnight."

"You should have said something!"

"Yeah, well, you were pretty hardcore out there. I figured with everything that happened, you needed to get it all out of your system."

I gave him a half smile and the three of us walked to the car. Poor Seth was exhausted. I think he fell asleep on the ride home. I was afraid my dad would be angry for getting Seth home so late on a school night (he's in 8th grade), but he just waved us up the stairs.

That night I lay in bed for hours, thinking that it had only been a day. One day had passed since the night that was supposed to be the happiest of my life. So far, at least. The night that was supposed to be so special, so wonderful, so intimate. Yet it wasn't. It wasn't anything like I thought it would be. I felt disappointed, stupid, and violated, even. I didn't like these feelings and they made me feel sick to my stomach. And Chad and I barely even spoke after it was all over. I didn't understand – if I did something or said something that offended him, or if it was all just in my head. I needed to talk to him. I just hoped that he had been in a funk and would be back to his normal self tomorrow.

I didn't see Chad until lunch the next day, and he barely stopped to say hi as he rushed off campus for lunch. He made it clear he didn't want me to come along, so I sat with my friends, but I felt so out of the loop. I didn't realize how much time I had spent with Chad until then, when I couldn't keep up with their gossip and conversations. I had been a bad friend, a bad girlfriend – what else could I screw up?

"Casey? Casey!" Jessica was calling to me, waving her hand in front of my face. I shook my head and snapped out of my thoughts.

"Yeah?"

"You okay? You kind of started crying."

"I'm fine. Just…bad day." I wiped my eyes and hoped the conversation would continue on again. They knew I didn't want to talk about it so they didn't push for details. After a few seconds of studying me, making sure I was okay, they launched back into their conversation.

Through the lunch room window I saw Chad making his way across the quad. I jumped up, grabbed my bag, and went after him.

"Chad!" I called out. He kept going as though he hadn't heard me. I ran after him, still calling out to him. I finally caught up to him and grabbed his arm. He shook me off. "Chad, I need to talk to you."

"I can't right now Casey. I have to study for a test next period. I didn't get to because of this weekend. I'll call you later," he said, avoiding looking in my eyes. He made it sound like it was my fault. He turned on his heel and walked off, leaving me alone. I didn't want to go back to the lunch room so I sat on a bench and stared off into space until the bell rang.

The next two days were like that. He'd run off campus for lunch and would come up with some excuse for not being able to talk to me. It was a test, he wasn't feeling good, his friend needed help with his French homework. It was always something. And we didn't have any classes together so I couldn't corner him then.

I finally got him after school on Thursday. I managed to get out of my last period class a few minutes early, and waited outside his class for him to leave.

"Not now, Casey." He said when he saw me. He brushed past me and went to his locker. I followed right on his heels.

"Yes, now."

"I can't, I have practice."

"Bullshit, Chad. Bullshit. You don't have practice. You think I don't know your schedule?" The halls were already emptying, but the few people that were hanging around stopped to stare at us.

Chad looked around, leaned in, and whispered, "Coach just scheduled it today. I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"No."

"Casey, I don't have a choice. Now move, I need to get going."

"No!" I yelled, slamming my hand against a locker so hard the one next to it popped open. I slammed that one closed as well. I stepped up to him.

"Don't be so childish," he said, calmly closing his locker.

I stared at him coldly for a second before pushing his backpack out of his hands and it fell to the floor. I continued to stare at him defiantly until he looked away and bent down to pick up his bag.

"Fine. What."

"Let's go somewhere where we can talk."

"No. You were so gung-ho to talk to me, we'll do it here."

Who was this person? Where was my sweet Chad? I took a deep breath. "What did I do, Chad? Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you. I've been busy."

"Call it whatever you want, you don't want to be around me. Tell me, what did I do?"

He looked around then stared right into my eyes. "Why were you so reluctant Saturday night?"

"I wasn't ready. Or I didn't feel ready. I was scared."

"Yeah. You were scared and you didn't trust me. That's exactly what I'm looking for in a relationship – lack of trust," he said sarcastically.

"Chad, we've only been dating for four months!"

"But we've known each other for nearly a year."

"That doesn't mean I'm ready to" I looked around and lowered my voice "have sex with you."

"What does that have to do with anything? There have been plenty of girls who've put out in less time than you."

"So? You want me to be like all the other girls?"

"Of course not." He put his hands on my waist, trying to draw me closer. "You were nothing like them. Not the best, but certainly not the worst."

That stopped me in my tracks. "What do you mean? I – I thought you were a virgin too."

He looked like he had just said something he wasn't supposed to. "Well…I wasn't. I lied. And if you want me to be completely honest, I didn't think you'd do it if you knew I wasn't a virgin." He smiled to himself. "Wasn't it good, though?"

I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. I narrowed my eyes, forcing back the tears. "What a hypocrite."

"Casey," he began, reaching out for me.

"No," I said, stepping back, pulling my arm out of his reach. "Don't you fucking touch me, you hypocrite. You talk about all this trust bullshit, about how it was a problem I didn't trust you because I wasn't ready. The thing is, I did trust you. This whole time. And I shouldn't have trusted you. What kind of relationship did you expect us to have? Certainly not one built on this so-called notion of trust. You lied to me about something huge, and you knew how I felt about it. How do you expect me to trust you?"

"I didn't tell you because I thought you'd go away."

"And that's exactly what you wanted, right? From the start. How could I have been so stupid? That's all I've been to you, right? A conquest. The virgin you got to fuck on prom night and tell all your buddies about it. And then pretend to be busy and don't have time for me so I'll eventually just stop bothering you and the relationship ends. You think I'm that dense? Maybe I am, because I didn't see through you from the beginning. Tell me, did you start planning this from the moment we met or was it when we started to date? 'Show everyone I can get Casey Novak to sleep with me, and then dump her,' was that your plan all along? No. Don't answer that. I don't want to know."

"Casey…"

I slung my bag over my shoulder and started to walk backwards to the exit. "No. Don't talk to me. Don't ever fucking talk to me again, Chad." I opened the door to the street. "Fucking prick." I left, and the door slammed closed satisfactorily behind me.

I walked home as fast as I could. I went straight up to my room and threw my bag on the floor. I just stood there, in the middle of my room, for several seconds, until the reality of what happened sunk in. I collapsed to the floor, sobbing. I pulled my comforter of my bed and wrapped it around myself, burying my face in it to muffle my sobs. I didn't think it was possible for it to hurt this bad. My chest literally hurt. I felt so betrayed, my trust was shattered. I didn't know if or how I'd ever be able to recover.