Chapter title: Never Be the Same Again
Chapter summary: Casey tries to abort the baby herself, but is caught, and she finally confides in someone about her situation.
Publish date: June 13, 2006
Disclaimer: My roommate and I have an "I get enter name of hot actor" board, and Elliot is on there for me, but that's as close as I'll ever get to owning anyone from the show. Jessica is mine, and she has nothing to do with the Jessica on Conviction.
Note: I know in the first chapter I wrote that Casey hadn't told anyone other than her boyfriend, but as I was writing the subsequent chapters, I changed my mind.
Note 2: The title is (surprise!) a Guster song entitled "The Fa Fa Song."
Note 3: I'm SO sorry for such a long delay! I'm taking two grad level classes right now, plus I'm running a theatre camp, and up until now I've only had time to breathe, eat, and sleep. I hope this chapter (and the next one) was worth the wait.

That Saturday I went to the public library and signed up for a time slot at a computer. I had thirty minutes to figure out what I wanted to do. I went to a search engine and typed in variations of "self-abortion." I looked up on the Britannica Encyclopedia the same thing. The websites were fairly primitive and the encyclopedia didn't give out much information, but from what I gathered I had a few options: I could beat my stomach, hurt myself some other way that would involve my stomach, excessive exercise, or I could take certain medications. Some of the medicines seemed dangerous, and I didn't want to take anything that could harm me or my body. I didn't want the baby, but not enough that I'd be willing to risk my life to abort it on my own.

So that afternoon I started my vigorous exercise regimen. It wasn't easy since I was in terrible shape. My exercise was limited to baseball, which really meant the batting cages since we didn't have enough girls that year to make a team, and the boys were against a coed team. I walked to the school and ran around the track a few times, but I was quickly out of breath and my heart was pounding so hard I could see the vibrations in my t-shirt. Sunday I took a break because I was sore, but the next week I hit the track every day after school. It didn't get easier; I still got winded after four laps, but I knew I just had to build up my stamina. Or maybe being out of shape would hurry it along. So each day I added a lap.

The following week it rained, so I stopped running for two days. But by lunch on Wednesday the rain was still coming down with no sign of letting up. I couldn't take off any longer, so I decided I'd just run in the rain. After school I changed in the locker room – which stays open until 6 after school for sports, even if there are no current team sports or there's bad weather – and headed to the track. It was somewhat liberating. After seven laps (my usual maximum) I had a little more energy left than I normally did, so I went ahead and completed two miles. When I finished I just collapsed in the middle of the track, trying to catch my breath. It hadn't been a good idea to run that last lap. I should have kept doing seven until I was stronger. After a few minutes of just sitting in the rain, I stumbled, dripping wet, back into the locker room.

After nearly two weeks, exercise didn't seem to be working. I figured I could handle bruises on my stomach. Nobody would see them anyway. So I lay down on one of the benches and started to hit myself as hard as I could. It hurt the first few times, but after that my body went numb and I couldn't feel it, only a dull thud every time my fist made contact with my stomach. I must have hit myself ten times when I heard a small gasp. It was Jessica. Startled, I sat up and took off my shoes and socks, trying to appear normal and calm.

"What the hell are you doing Casey?" Jess asked softly. She wasn't accusing me, nor did she sound angry or upset. I didn't answer her. She sat next to me and involuntarily I stiffened. "When are you going to tell me, Casey?"

"Tell you what?" I snapped.

"You know."

I slammed my shoes on the floor. "No. I don't. Enlighten me."

"Why you've been killing yourself on the track the past week and a half."

I must be pretty transparent. Either that or Jessica just knows me too well. But I wasn't ready for this, so without thinking, I stood, with the intention to run off. Jessica, although shorter and smaller, is much stronger, and she caught up with me before I even reached the end of the row of lockers. She grabbed my arm and tried to turn me around, but I fought it and tried to keep going. But she was quick, and embraced me from behind, pinning my arms to my sides. I struggled against her, but she was too strong. I resigned myself to the fact I wasn't going to win and stopped fighting. I let her turn me back to face her, but I looked down, unable to meet her eyes. Jess put her hands on my arms and tried to get me to look at her, ducking her head to see my face.

"Casey, what is it going to take to get you to trust me?" she asked when she finally managed to get me to look her in the eye, her voice cracking. I saw that my lack of trust was hurting her. And I realized I really did need to confide in someone. I couldn't keep this to myself any longer.

And that's when the last bit of strength in me dissolved. I collapsed onto a bench, tears streaming like currents down my cheeks, and Jessica sat next to me, sitting sideways on the bench. She reached behind her and got the towel that had been sitting with my things and wrapped it around my shoulders.

I wanted to tell her what had been going on before I completely broke down, but when I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out, I couldn't find the words. She took my face in her hands and pushed the wet hair out of my face and behind my ears, her movements only causing the tears to come faster. She brushed them away with her thumbs. I couldn't see anything, but I knew she was studying my face, trying to find the reason for the heartache that was written all over it. Finally I was pulled into a hug, with Jessica's arms wrapped tightly around me and her chin resting on the top of my head. She rocked me back and forth, murmuring things into my hair, things I wasn't really paying attention to.

Finally I got it all out of my system and sat up straight, unable to meet Jess' eyes. The intimacy of the past few minutes suddenly made me uncomfortable. I wasn't used to other people witnessing my emotions. She put her hand on my shoulder. "It's Chad, isn't it?"

I nodded, still afraid my voice would fail me if I spoke.

"Talk to me, Casey. What did he do?"

I was quiet for a few minutes, trying to get my thoughts in order so I could speak coherently. And then I told her everything: our accelerated relationship, prom night, the fights, and finally, the pregnancy.

"God, Chad is such an ass. I wish I could have seen through him. I'll go beat the shit out of him, if you want," she offered. I smiled at the thought. No doubt Jess could easily take him out. After a pause, she became serious again. "Casey, have you thought about what you're going to do?"

"Yeah," I said slowly. "I – I've decided not to have it."

"I thought you were against abortions?"

"I was. But it's so hard to make a decision when you haven't experienced something, to put your foot down and steadfastly be for or against something. It's easy to say you won't have an abortion if you've never been in the position where you might need to have one. I think I've just been naïve. I've never had to consider the pros and cons. I'm not ready to be a parent and I'm not ready – hell, I'm not strong enough – to go through a full term pregnancy. I don't think I should be forced to if it isn't something I want. It's hard, but I think I'm making the right decision."

Jessica nodded. "You know I support you no matter what."

"Thanks Jess. I don't know what I'd do without you. I thought I'd have to go through this alone."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, in my current overly emotional state, I thought you wouldn't be my friend anymore. I thought it would be easier if nobody knew and I just moved on with my life after it happened."

"Why? Why doubt me? Have I done anything to make you think that? Because if I have, I'm sorry, and I didn't realize I was doing it." Jessica sounded hurt. It was my fault. I push people away when I need them most, but I didn't know how to explain it to her.

"No, you haven't done anything. It's just me, and that's how I deal with my problems sometimes. I think I'll be better off keeping it to myself and not burdening others with my problems. I know you're here for me and always willing to listen; I'm not doubting your friendship. It sounds stupid, but I guess I doubt my ability to be your friend."

"That's not stupid. But I wish you didn't think that way."

"I do, too."

"Casey, will you do me a favor?" she asked.

"I'll try."

"Will you let me take you to a clinic, like Planned Parenthood, to get an abortion? I don't want you to hurt yourself. The doctors there know what they're doing. You, on the other hand, don't."

I nodded in agreement. Now that I had told someone, now that there was someone on my side, I felt more confident in my decision and knew I could go through with it. Once again we fell into an awkward silence.

"How did you know I'd be here?" I finally asked.

"You've been working out a lot lately, and you were going to run today, even though it's pouring. I knew something was up if you were going to run in the rain – that's just not like you. Plus, you're sitting with us again, we haven't seen you and Chad together for a few weeks, and you're quieter than before. I put two and two together and figured something terrible must have happened between you and Chad. So when I saw you heading out to the track after school, I decided to wait for you and try to talk to you. 'Cause I figured you weren't going to come to me on your own, no matter how badly you wanted to."

I'm lucky to have a friend to see the warning signs like that. "Your instincts were spot on, Jess. Thank you." After a few more minutes of silence, I figured we had said all we needed to say, and changed. Jess walked to our halfway point, and promised she wouldn't tell a soul.

The following Monday Jess and I skipped school to go to a Planned Parenthood clinic. My appointment was at 11, so we'd be done in time to get back for the afternoon. We got there at 10:30 and there were three couples waiting. I wondered if they were all there for abortions or for some other reason. I signed in and filled out the paperwork, then sat silently as we waited for my name to be called. Jess wasn't going to go in with me, which made me nervous, but the nurse was very friendly and chatty, and she made me feel comfortable.

Twenty minutes later I walked out of the clinic, no longer pregnant. Jess took me to lunch and we skipped the rest of the day. I wanted to be alone, but Jess wasn't going to let me sit around and cry or feel sorry for myself, so we walked around the city and hung out on some swings in a park.

I felt this strange, hollow emptiness in my chest, even though I knew I had made the right decision. I felt guilty; I couldn't help it. I pushed any negative thoughts concerning my ordeal to the back of my mind, telling myself I'd deal with them later. Over the next several months it would creep back into my conscious, but I was never ready to think about it, so I never did. Accepting it made it real, and I was too afraid of what would happen to me emotionally when I did. School consumed my life, so putting it on the backburner – ignoring it – was always much easier than acknowledging it. At least at the time. But over the years it started to eat away at me, begging me to make peace with myself. I had gone for so long ignoring it, I didn't realize what the feelings were when they started to resurface.