Well, I've been getting a pretty warm welcome here. I feel like I've been taking too long...but I know some people who take longer! Here's the responses!
Evil Donut Man Reborn-Thank you. You have a creative name...
japanimeniac-I'm gonna keep on keepin' on...keepin' on.
Knuckles Spyro Fox Link Zidane Sora Artemis-So it's Sora now AND Artemis! Eventually it's going to turn into something like what I told you in my review for Chapter 8. But I don't know how this chapter will turn out...I'm not brimming with as many ideas. You know how explosions are common in your fanfic? I think it might be wormholes with mine.
TempleMaster17-Thanks for the mechanics note. I was never too solid on that whole thing. I don't try to create too many verbs to desribe the dialouge, though, so I'll see if I can avoid that. You sound like a very experienced author, and I am glad to have healthy criticism behind me as I write this fanfic.
Gamer21-Woah! Wasn't expecting you to review! Just one more of my favorite authors and it'll be a party! Expect many more wormholes, black holes, white holes, green holes, and pastrami. Er, not really...and be careful with that bat, you might hurt yourself in that sugar high. The "nihihihi" laugh usually isn't a good sign.
Celebi-You might want to try and read this at home. Or bring a pillow to work and laugh into it or something.
Mecha Scorpion-Ha! I got you to log in! And again, ha!
lil-dragon-blue-Shotgun? You get to sit in the front of the car? Oh, you mean the other shotgun...AAAAH! Your praise can really bring a smile to a downtrodden face...well, you know, if the downtrodden face hadn't been broken by being trodded on. Yay! A perfect score! Wait a minute...did you just call me Teeter Dumbass? Dang! Nobody gets my name right! It's always, "Hey, did you hear about that guy Treedle Dumbass," or, "Tweety Dumbass has done some good work." Now I know how Strong Bad feels about fhqwhgads.
Andrew Kirby-Ah yes, reminds me of my early days of reading random stories that looked good, probably forgetting about them later on...good luck in finding fanfiction!
Ril-0-Wow, that many? I forgot! Sorry! Five of them were just from some other authors who wanted to tell me something, but just did it through review.
Leave luck to heaven...and leave Zelda to Nintendo.
Chapter 3: Snow Fat and the Six Idiots
The pirates' ship was sailing off, everybody on Outset (about nine people) were waving goodbye while shouting goodbyes that no one could hear, and very cheesy music was playing. And Wimpy wouldn't stop banging on a really big gong.
"Ugh...do you know how much longer this is going to last? Can you give me an estimate or something?"
Link looked over his shoulder to see Fatty, er, Tetra, sulkily staring at him. "Probably will be over with pretty soon, seeing as how Wimpy stopped banging the gong.
"MY NAME IS NOT WIMPY!"
Wimpy's shout suddenly gave Link an idea. "Hmmm...I haven't made fun of the other pirates yet...I think I will!"
Several minutes later, Senza, Nudge, Mako, and Zuko were grudgingly awaiting their new names.
After barely ten seconds of thinking, Link looked at them in the order above. "Yes! I know! You can be Beardy, Sissy, Nerdy, and Creepy!
"...," interjected Zuko.
"Link, stop goofing around! Go down belowdecks and bug Niko or something!"
"Okay, Fatso!" Link scurried away before Tetra realized what he had called her.
Belowdecks
Niko was simply standing in one place, as many people in Wind Waker do. Link strolled down, then spotted Niko.
"Oh, I missed one? You can be Stupid!"
"So you're the new swabbie, eh? Give me five!"
Link was only halfway in the process of giving somebody a five when Stupid added to his last comment. "...HUNDRED PUSHUPS!"
"No way!"
"THE ONLY ALTERNATIVE IS TO DO THIS DUMB LITTLE MINI-GAME WHERE YOU JUMP ON PLATFORMS AND SWING ON LANTERNS TO GET OVER THERE WITHIN A TIME LIMIT!"
"Done, then."
While Stupid was making his way to the goal, Link decided to think about how to beat the challenge. He obviously couldn't go the regular way, seeing as how it was a trap. Miraculously, an idea came immediately. Having studied in gemstone class for several years and being an expert at cleavage (I know what you're thinking, you dirty minds, but cleavage is splitting a stone by striking it), he hurled his shield at the Hero's Sword and effectively sliced it in half, including the handle. Huffing and puffing, he blew a small hole right through the side of the ship's hull. He leaped through and stabbed the He's Sword into an unbroken part of the hull. After stabbing his Ro's Sword into a plank further away, he freed the He's Sword and progressed onwards. Thanks to intense mathematical calculations, he stopped right where the goal was. Thanking the goddesses that he always carried garlic taped to the side of his head, he quickly ate it, then breathed on the wood, rotting it away. Link leapt inside onto the goal, and with a burst of Alchemy, sacrificed a couple planks and welded his swords back into one. Stupid was still on the fourth platform or so.
"What did you...how did you...WHAT!" Stupid spluttered.
"Duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh can't touch this!" Link was just bragging all over the place.
"BUT IT WASN'T A RACE!"
"Well, that's what you think."
"I guess you get the treasure...or whatever..."
Link became aware of a menacing-looking chest sitting a couple feet away. Slowly and dramatically opening it to mysterious music, he revealed..."AAAAHAAHAAAA! BLINDING LIGHT! EVERYTHING'S GOING DARK! Or more of a dingy brown..."
"You're not blind. You fell over and are staring at the floor."
"Oh, okay," Link looked in the chest again to find..."A PURSE! I WIN A STINKIN' PURSE FOR CLEAVAGE, HUFFING, PUFFING, MOUNTAIN CLIMBING, BAD BREATH, AND ALCHEMY!"
"Yes."
"This is an honor! Thank you for such a creepy-faced bag."
"Well you know what? You're not welcome!"
"I'm not? You con artist!" Link terminated this statement by kicking Stupid in the shin, after which he ran back abovedecks.
Later, Abovedecks
Tetra was extremely agitated. Not only did she have to babysit this moronic sap, but he was causing mischief all over the place. He wouldn't stop calling her Fatty, he had given some dumb names to the pirates, and now he believed that he was intoxicated from having eaten too much pudding.
Link stumbled over to her. "Hey beautiful," he slurred, "Nice tatas."
Tetra nearly stabbed him out of sheer annoyance, but calmed herself down with a Tae-Jitsu breathing exercise. Eventually, the simple-minded villagers, having barely any Rupees, would have to hand over their island as payment. The pirates would turn it into a fast food community and make millions, all part of their master plan to...to...do something...they didn't know what would happen next, as they didn't think they could get this far. "I will be in my cabin. No disturbances until we reach the Forsaken Fortress." She had some thinking to do.
Link was examining a control panel beside the steering wheel. "Hey, what does this button do?" After pressing said button, the ship incredibly grew ten jet engines and rocketed off to the north.
Twenty Seconds Later, in the Forsaken Sector
Having had no time to think on her master plan, Tetra halfheartedly climbed up the crow's nest. Link met her up there.
"We'd never get close enough to the brittle, unguarded door. How would we get you inside?" Tetra looked at Link with a strange little wink.
"Hey...why are you winking at me like that? It's creepy! Stop! STOP!"
Another Twenty Seconds Later
The pirates had set up their catapult, aiming for the Forsaken Fortress, with Link in a barrel as the ammunition. Link had somehow not realized he was in a barrel, and quickly started making a lot of grunting noises in an effort to get out.
Nudge started dancing. "Hey, it's a new dance beat! Do the Grunt Grunt!"
"Shut up, Sissy."
"Okay, Link, we, as pirates, do this all the time! We have the best aim in the League!"
"There's a league for this?"
"PULL!"
Link was sent flying (and yelling his butt off) into a reservoir of the Forsaken Fortress. It seemed that he had managed to hold on to all of his items, but a mean wormhole materialized, took Link's sword, slapped him, and dematerialized. He could distantly hear the clatter of his sword being dropped somewhere at the top of the central tower. Link had just climbed out of the lake when something in his pants started vibrating.
"NOOOO! MY PANTS ARE ATTACKING MY BUTT! MAKE IT STOOOOP!" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a Motorola RAZR cell phone.
"Ha! The look on your face!" Tetra's voice emanated from the little gadget. "I slipped this thing into your pocket while Sissy was doing the Grunt Grunt. We can communicate through it, and with a new kam-eer-uh, I can see what you're doing, too. Good luck without your sword! Beep...beep...beep...beep..."
"Wow...it sure got dark pretty quickly...hey! Floodlights! Looks warm, and I need to dry off." Link calmly strolled into a searchlight, and...
In the Jail Cell
Link was thrown in to much complaint. "Hey! You don't have to throw me in! I could've walked you...big...poopy! Dah! How could I be so foolish? ...Don't answer that. Wait...I'm an Alchemist! I can turn these hard pillars of wood into soft pillars of...DIAMOND!" With another burst of Alchemy, he transformed the rotting, flammable wood pillars into indestructible diamond pillars. "D'oh, crap! Diamond's harder than wood! I'm such a stupid dumfart!" In his rage, he hurled a stool at a corner of the cell. In fact, he threw it so hard that it collapsed into itself in the manner of neutron star, which, of course, produced a black hole. A black hole so incredibly powerful that it sucked the entire universe in and ended existence.
Then, before time and space existed, there was an appallingly large explosion. The Big Bang that created the Universe. And nearly fourteen billion years into its history...
Link was thrown in to much complaint. "Hey! You didn't have to throw me in! I could've walked you...big...poopy! Dah! How could I be so foolish? ...Don't answer that. Wait...I'm an Alchemist! I can turn these hard pillars of wood into soft pillars of...MARSHMALLOW! With another burst of Alchemy, he transformed the hard, nearly-perfect-material wood pillars into yummy marshmallow pillars.
Several Hours Later
After eating so much marshmallow, Link was the size of a large boulder, and was so blubbery that he could plow right through the Moblins. After rolling (he could no longer walk) back to the area he came in from, he started to think:
"How do they get those searchlights so bright? It couldn't be fire...they must have invented the light bulb!"
Since the light bulb did not yet exist, a plothole opened and destroyed the searchlights, disappearing as unexpectedly as it came.
"That was helpful! Now, to save Piggy! Oh, and Aryll, too."
Link rolled right through the Forsaken Fortress with surprising ease, barreling over all who opposed him. He had almost reached the room where Piggy (and Aryll and Mila and Maggie) were being held captive, but couldn't get past a small ledge that he would normally sidle over. Link began to ponder over it, unaware of the group of Moblins creeping up on him. His stomach began to rumble, and...well, it's said that the stench still lurks there today, but the Moblins were reported to be found six sectors away on Overlook Island, supposedly having died of air poisoning.
Having returned to normal size from the gargantuan outburst of, well, you know, Link sidled along the cliffs to a small enclosure. A Green Bokoblin guarded a large door, and his sword was in the middle of the floor! Doing his trademark jump up and down victory dance, he drew attention to himself, which led to spikes rising up through the floor that blocked the entrance and mysteriously hurt you when you touched the smooth ends. Dramatic battle music emanated from the Bokoblin's boombox as Link swiped his sword back and leapt into battle!
Of course, Battle was very offended, and stomped off to where he wouldn't be leapt into. Nonetheless, Link stood back up and sprinted into combat!
Of course, Combat was very-no, I'm just kidding. Link rushed over to the enemy and pricked him with a splinter. Blood spewed out at an appalling rate, Kill Bill style. Within seconds, the Bokoblin had lost so much blood that his secondary organs were shutting down, he couldn't concentrate very long, and-
Link was still not interested in details, so he just entered the final room. The cell was in the corner, and hope gleamed in Piggy's (and the girls') eyes as he (and they) noticed him. However, the hope was squashed, stamped, stomped, stampeded on, charbroiled, tenderized, glared at, eaten, and killed when The Monstrous and Ugly Helmet...er, Helmaroc King swooped in and abducted Link!
The bird flew over to a wooden ship built onto the central tower. An ominous man in black robes moved his head to the right, at which signal the Helmet...I MEAN HELMAROC King ate Link.
And since the main character's dead...
THE END
Black-robe man sent a death glare at the bird. "I MOVED MY HEAD TO THE RIGHT, NOT THE LEFT, YOU MENTAL BIRD!"
After a great deal of heaving and coughing, the Helmaroc King spit up a Link covered in the slimy substances that have never been identified. Barely giving Link a "Sorry I ate you, I know that hydrochloric acid can sting," the Helmaroc dude grabbed Link and hurled him across the ocean!
Next Chapter: The Prime Minister of Green Giraffes
Holy crap I took long enough...hope you liked it! 7 reviews will earn you the right for next chapter.