Everything Burns
Summary: The Doctor is dead, that is all Jackie knows - she tries to help Rose who is barely clinging on to sanity.
This is for Romana I - please enjoy everyone!
Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who nor the song.
Song lyrics from everything burns by Ben Moody
She sits in her corner
Singing herself to sleep
My only daughter had returned nearly a month ago, she'd walked through the front door tears staining her face and no words to say. Only one
'Mum?' she had called out in her voice which took me back to when she was five years old. She looked so sweet, so innocent, and so tired. She couldn't speak all she could do was throw herself into my arms and sob quietly for hours at a time. He was gone – that much I knew – her Doctor had left her.
For the next few days she barely spoke a word – it was all she could do to nod her head, she would just cry and cry her eyes becoming red and her face blotchy. I have to admit – I cried as well. I cried for the man who had sworn to protect my daughter, the man who had saved us so many times, and for the man who had broken my daughters' heart and caused her so much pain.
Wrapped in all of the promises
That no one seems to keep
A few weeks later she began to speak again – I was so happy to hear her angelic voice – only it had been hardened by grief and pain. I thought she would talk to me, tell me what had happened but there was only one thing she could say over and over again
'He promised me' she would whisper with all the pain in her heart.
'Promised you what, sweetheart?' I would ask carefully as I tried to hold her to my breast as I did when she was a child. Her eyes would stare vacantly ahead as though she was really in some distant place a million miles away, and remembering a pain she couldn't speak of. All she would reply was
'He promised me' in her emotionless voice. I wished that I knew what he had promised her – that damned Doctor always upsetting her.
She no longer cries to herself,
No tears left to wash away the pain
She just sits in her bed, rocking backwards and forwards slowly and gently – some days I despaired of her – I would call the Doctor but I feared they might locked her away and after getting my baby back I wasn't going to let her go again. I would bring her cups of tea, and when I'd return an hour later they'd still be sitting there cold and untouched – she wouldn't eat nor would she drink. Once she had tried to sleep but his face haunted his mind so she no longer slept, she just sat there – thinking.
'He promised me' a small voice would call out in the darkness – in my mind she would flash back to being five years old and wanting to hide in my bed during a storm or a bad dream – but I knew this was a nightmare that would never end.
Just diaries of empty pages,
Feelings gone astray
'I know sweetheart' I would soothe her as I stroked her hair, it was best not to irate her by asking questions – it just upset her more. So I did all a mother could, hold her, sob for her, sob with her, whisper soothing words into her hair as I stroked it – what else could I do except to break down? One day she added something to her phrase
'He promised me…' she whispered, I rose prepared to hug her until the moment passed but she had stepped back – her eyes watering and filled with pain and emotion
'He promised me he'd always come back' she whispered as she raised her hands to her head
'You promised me!' she shouted at the Doctor she could see in her mind – I didn't know what to do
'Okay sweetheart – do you want to have a lie down?' I asked. She turned to me, that look in her eyes – I'll never forget it. Words couldn't possibly describe it, all I can say is that it haunted me right through my heart and into my soul – this was the first time I ever feared my daughter.
'He promised me he'd never leave me' she whispered as she fell back against the wall, her head falling into her knees. I knew how much this hurt her – I also knew that in moments like this the Doctor would have always been there to comfort her and hold her.
'Till everything burns
While everyone screams
My poor Rose just sat by the window now, searching the sky for him, checking every cloud for a sign that he existed. She would wait there for hours and hours, days and days looking for the Tardis – I knew he was never coming back, on some level I knew she did too but she wouldn't give up on him. She would remain silent for days, nothing to say, no emotions to flicker across her eyes but I knew that she was screaming inside. Screaming as she saw him in her mind, as she watched them together so happy, so carefree, so alive. I knew how she felt – losing someone you love, each day I saw Rose like this I lost a little bit more of her and it was slowly killing me.
It was pointless cooking for her, meals that would just be thrown away, she didn't even come to the table anymore – she just stared out that window, all day and all night fearing to sleep in case she missed something. Her face had become pale, her eyes hollow and withdrawn, her gaunt cheekbones stuck out from under her skin as she slowly wasted away – she was slowly killing herself.
Burning their lies
Burning my dreams
One day she was so sure she had seen him in the fireplace, she lent into it reaching out for him – her hand in the flames searching. I'd walked in the flat to the smell of burning flesh and that's when I saw her, my daughter reaching into the fire. I dragged her out of the fireplace as she screamed and hit me trying to escape, trying to return to the Doctor she was so adamant she had seen. I finally got her away and managed to wrap a blanket around her before convincing her to come to the hospital – she didn't speak, nor did she protest – she couldn't believe he would leave her again. At the hospital they all eyed me suspiciously, I told them she had fallen in to the fire, that she'd been in a bad place for the last couple of weeks but it was all getting better, that she wasn't normally like this and she was just suffering because she had lost a friend. They all raised their eyebrows at me and wrote in their notebooks before letting me take her home. I'll never forget the sight of her on that hospital bed, soot staining her face, scorched skin; red and inflamed, her arms wrapped in bandaged to protect the burns. I walked her out to the car thanking everyone, giving false reassuring smiles as I tried to get my baby back to her bed where she could just lie and whisper to him.
All of this hate
And all of this pain
She was quiet after the hospital incident; she just lay in her bed staring out of the window at life – something that was just passing her by as she lived in the past. These months had taken their toll on her, Roses' skin was blemished, dull and grey, lines of pain and worry marking her face and her hair hung limp and dead from her head. She didn't know what it was to smile, she didn't know how to speak, how to laugh – she didn't even know how to cry anymore. Some days I just couldn't be near her, I would lock myself in my bedroom and cry letting out all of the pain and emotion that she couldn't. Each day I was finding it harder to get out of bed, to see my daughter who wore the face of death,harder to watch her dieing in front of me – I even asked myself on occasion if it would have been better for her to die with him. At least this way she would be happy, she wouldn't be alone, she would be with him forever.
I'll burn it all down
As my anger reigns
'Till everything burns
And that's when it happened – if I thought she was crazy before then I was wrong – this was past crazy. She thought she heard him taunting her, teasing her through the fire place like he had done to a French woman – she was so sure of it. She thought if she could make the flames big enough then there would be enough energy for him to come through – so he could come and save her. My poor baby. She took the logs out of the fire whilst I was sleeping, threw them all over the flat, burning her pain and anger along with her memories. The furniture caught fire easily you see, the fire spread rapidly as smoke billowed through the house – that was when I woke up. I smelt the smoke before I felt the heat of the flames, I ran out of my room to see her just standing there. Her frail body shivering in the night but her eyes dancing as she watched the flames – she truly thought he would come back for her – she didn't understand that he was dead. The fire brigade came, put everything out – but I'd lost it all. All of our memories, the photos of Pete, Rose, Mickey…. everything gone in a moment. I was truly hollow inside by this point – everything was gone.
Walking through life unnoticed
Knowing that no one cares
They took us both to the hospital, checked us over – I was fine – it was Rose they were worried about. 'So thin' they said 'Gaunt and hollow' they whispered to each other 'hasn't eaten in weeks' they wrote 'severally dehydrated' they decided 'poorly looked after' they judged – but they didn't know what she'd been through – why this had happened, they were so quick to judge. They carted her off to the 'special section' they called it – stuck drips into her tiny fragile arms, drained blood and ran test after test but all she could do was stare ahead, her eyes wide and frightened.
'Mum' she whimpered – I swear my heart skipped a beat the moment she said that 'he promised he wouldn't leave me – that he'd always come back' she whispered as she cried in my arms – it felt so good to hear her again, to hold her again. But my joy was short lived.
Too consumed in their masquerade
No one sees her there
And still she sings
They carted her off soon after that – said they needed to run some tests. Sent her to a special hospital, I visit her daily but she hardly recognises me anymore – she just sits in her corner waiting for him. She was such a sweet, loving, loyal, faithful person and that's what she still is – to him. I know he must be dead, he wouldn't stay away otherwise, he wouldn't do this to her – I know he must have had a reason to send her back, if only he had known what it would do to her – how it would tear her apart. So there she sits day after day calling his name, smiling as she lives in her memories, they bring Rose her medicine and smile sweetly waiting for it to take effect before they carry her back to her room. That is what the Doctor has reduced my beautiful clever daughter to.
Everything burns
Watching it all fade away
Burning my dreams
So there she sits, alone just waiting for him to come to her. I will never know what happened in those final moments, nor will I know why he left her – if it was to die or if it was to escape. I won't even know if he made that final promise – the only person who knows these things keeps them locked inside her head, for they are too horrific and painful for her to recall – and if she speaks of them that will mean they are real, if they are real then he must be dead. So she will never tell and I shall never know. The one thing I do know is this: the day the Doctor died he took my Rose with him for she is gone – dead inside. My beautiful, brave, daring daughter is as dead as him.
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