Usagi's funk persisted into the following morning, looming over her like a gruesome specter, souring her thoughts, her motivation, even her hunger. It did not go unnoticed by her family; her mother finally gave up asking Usagi to come down for breakfast and left her a tray on the nightstand, which the girl very reluctantly picked at, and only because Luna badgered her to do so. The cat was unwavering when Usagi suggested she get some fresh air, never once leaving Usagi's side. She secretly was glad for the company, even if she still wanted to be alone. It was a confusing dichotomy of feeling, but maybe it was because Luna offered something no one else had -
Patience.
She wasn't hurrying Usagi out of bed, trying to get her to go about her day like usual. She understood that Usagi needed this time to grieve; to heal... That it was okay not to be okay. And she was showing her, in her own small way, that she would still be there whenever Usagi was ready to face reality.
It was a welcome relief from the way her parents were acting, their hounding at her door becoming so incessant she wanted to bury herself under the covers and scream.
Her father was the first to start the cycle.
"Ah... sweetheart... hi..." Kenji said, cracking open the door while knocking, a habit Usagi had always hated. She rolled over to gaze in his general direction. "How... how are you?"
"Fine," the girl answered automatically; dully.
There was a lengthy pause, and Usagi was pretty sure she heard her father tugging at his tie; his nervous tell. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "...that's, er, that's good. Your mama just sent me up here to remind you that you have your first session with Chiba Mamoru-san this afternoon and she thinks you ah, might want to be getting up now. Alright? She's got lunch cooking downstairs... will you be wanting any?"
"I'm not hungry," Usagi sighed, words she was wearing out today with their use.
There was an even longer pause and even more rustling. The girl almost felt bad for causing him so much discomfort - this really wasn't Papa's area of expertise - but she just felt so darn listless.
"Okay," Kenji replied at last, his tone vaguely defeated. He started to close the door with an, "I love you, sweetie."
"Love you too, Papa," Usagi whispered back, but he was already gone. She sighed a second time, nestling herself deeper into the pillow, still very aware of Luna's eyes on her. Usagi was sure she was positively bursting with admonitions, but mercifully, the cat said nothing. So she shut her eyes, and forced herself back into a restless slumber.
The next series of knocks was far more jarring than the last.
Usagi groaned audibly, yanked from the dregs of a lovely dream about living in space and being able to watch the sun rise over a young earth, but it was quickly escaping her as her mother's shrill voice rang out.
"Usagi!" she was calling, the same way she would whenever Usagi had dozed a little too long past her alarm. "Usagi! Your lesson is in an hour and I'd like to hear some signs of life in there, please!"
The fourteen-year-old scowled groggily. "I don't want to go."
"What's that?"
"I don't. want. to go!" Usagi cried, sitting up. She heard the bedroom door moan inward as her mother entered, and crossed her arms obstinately over her chest. There was a brush of fur past her leg and she felt Luna's cold paw rest against her, but whether it was in solidarity or as a warning, she didn't know. "Why do I have to!"
Ikuko's voice was carefully measured when she responded to her fuming daughter, but it was not the 'Because I'm telling you so' Usagi was expecting. Instead, she caught Usagi off guard with the very thing she had been wrestling with more than anything these past few days, and it hit her like a ton of bricks to the gut.
"Do you not want to help yourself?"
Usagi fumbled for words, her mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water, but nothing came. It seemed very uncharitable to let on to what she was really thinking, and that was that maybe she would rather live out the rest of her days here, in bed, a recluse. What would be so bad about that? Safe from the perils of the world; never having to navigate the many unknowns that right now just seemed so insurmountable. And most of all, she wouldn't need Chiba freaking Mamoru to show her the way.
"I... I don't know."
Ikuko's voice was a rough mixture of disappointment and sorrow as she addressed Usagi, and it was as if she knew exactly what her daughter was not saying. "Well I hope you figure it out. You have so much life left to live, Usagi, and you won't do any of that cooped up in here."
Usagi was surprised when she heard the sound of retreating footsteps and the door swinging shut on her. She felt very cut down to size, and shrunk in on herself, still sullen. What did Mama know? She really didn't need anything else other than this room. No school. No fighting monsters. No friends. After all, they wouldn't be bothered to come and visit her anyway. Yes, she was perfectly happy here.
Here... there was no chance to be hurt again.
Clinging to this small solace, Usagi rolled over onto the cool side of the pillow and, knees to her chest, attempted to escape reality one more time. It was hard, because she'd slept so much already, but she was Tsukino Usagi after all, and she could probably win a napping marathon with both eyes open, ha. There was also a desperate lingering hope inside her that she might have another dream. She knew that was counterproductive, that it was just her brain playing tricks on her, but it was the only time she got to see again... and bittersweet illusion was better than nothing. So she settled down with eyes squeezed tight, and tried to ignore the unspoken sentiments in the sigh Luna let out, too similar to her parents' own.
oOo
Usagi was having another dream about space, and weirdly enough she could see earth from the same vantage point as in her other dream, except this time there was someone with her. She couldn't quite make out her companion, but his profile was distinctly male, and an attractive male at that if his sharp cheekbones were any indication. They didn't talk - they didn't have to, there was just as much comfort between them in perfect silence as there was in idle conversation - just gazed down at this majestic planet with hands clasped, and an overwhelming awe in her heart.
"I want to live there with you," she told this shadowy man with breathless yearning, and he chuckled deeply, a gentle rumble that bubbled up from out from his chest and made her feel weak at the knees.
"Don't you have a certain responsibility here?" the voice, also indistinguishable in her muddled dream state, inquired just as longingly.
"I don't care."
"Wake up..."
"We can run away. Far away, where they'll never find us! Build a cottage on some far-flung island by the sea, just you and me, growing old, not a care in the world..."
"Odango..."
"It's a lovely dream, isn't it?"
"Jesus, Odango, you sleep like the dead. Wake. Up!"
Usagi grunted, the beautiful images in her mind beginning to slip away as the darkness crept back in, and with dawning awareness came a certain irritation with her mother for beckoning her away from this pleasant other realm...
Wait.
Her mother never called her Odango.
Usagi's eyes snapped open, and she jerked up out of bed, dragging the blankets with her, gathering them at her chin. She stared uncertainly towards the direction of her door, heart beating very uncomfortably fast. She could have sworn...
"Ah, there you go. That wasn't so hard was it?"
Definitely not Mama's voice. Usagi's tone was pure venom as she spat out, "You! What are you doing in my bedroom?"
Chiba Mamoru's voice was a concerted attempt at suave as he replied, "Actually, I'm not in your bedroom, if you er, can call this mess a bedroom?"
Usagi could feel her cheeks flushing hot pink, wondering just what state she left her room in before engaging in that fateful battle and what personal effects were undoubtedly lying out in the open, but she didn't let her embarrassment dissuade her from her initial fury. "And just who told you you could come in here!" she shouted. There was movement at her arm; Luna was beside her again, tail flicking, primal animal instincts kicked into first gear - ready to protect her charge if need be.
"Again, I'm not in here, I haven't set a foot over the threshold, but if you must know it was your mother who asked me to see if I could retrieve you for your lesson. Something about depressed, refusing meals or even to leave the bed, and needing a different kind of encouragement than she felt she was able to provide? But, clearly, she was wrong," Mamoru said, in a disbelieving drawl so weighed down with sarcasm it should have collapsed the floor around him. Was it possible to blush even harder? Usagi could feel the way his eyes were appraising her and her undoubtedly very disheveled state; a week without a shower had certainly done her no favors. And if that wasn't bad enough, Mamoru continued to shine the proverbial spotlight, knowing all too well which buttons to push and push he did. "You ever heard of the Kübler-Ross model? The five stages of grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Any of those sound familiar right now?"
Usagi grit her teeth so hard it hurt. How dare he encroach on her personal space - her safe space - and preach to her about how she should or shouldn't be handling her blindness? It was infuriating to a whole new degree; she didn't think she'd ever been this angry in his presence before.
"You don't have a clue, Chiba. Not one damn clue! And just because my mother is head-over-freaking-heels for you, don't you think for one single second that you will ever in a million years get the same from me!"
"Truly, I'm hurt. But as I was saying, what you're going through is a very natural process-"
"You can drop the condescending tone and get the hell out of my bedroom now, Mamoru-baka. There will be no lesson today," Usagi growled, slicing across him like a machete through soft flesh. She could feel it, a powerful something building inside her, and she shook like a leaf in a storm... only the tempest was her. Mamoru was either oblivious of the impending danger, or he didn't care.
"You can't avoid this forever, Odango. You can't hide from your family and friends, you can't stop eating, you can't sleep your life away... none of those will bring back your sight, no matter how hard you try. You have to face this-"
"I said. Get. Out." Usagi's voice was colder than she'd ever heard it. Beside her, Luna hissed - a low warning. Usagi appreciated the back-up, but knew if push came to shove, she could definitely hold her own against this man. After all, who among them was the superhero with celestial powers?
"Odango," Mamoru sighed, and he sighed it like he was exasperated with a misbehaving toddler. After the same puerile treatment from her family, that was the final straw for the odangoed fourteen-year-old. She shrieked in fury and grabbed at the first thing she could get her hands on. A drugstore plushie from the brief feel of it - the cute rainbow colored donkey, a very fitting selection if she did say so herself - before she sent it sailing toward her archnemesis.
"GO AWAY!"
She heard the fwop! as Mamoru's hand connected with the plushie and he redirected its flight, and his mumble of, "Scary." But she was far past the point of no return, and completely unable to see the humor in this situation. Her blood was positively boiling as she continued to scream,
"GO AWAY, AND DON'T COME BACK! I hate you so much! You're horrible! Your parents must be so ashamed of what an ass you are!"
Oddly enough - just like she had known of Luna's vigil over her last night without truly being able to visualize her - Usagi sensed Mamoru's bristle. It was like a change in the air; a sudden chilly pall that had descended over the two, and whereas before Mamoru had kept a tight cap on himself, now Usagi heard real anger in his voice.
Good, she thought bitterly. A taste of his own medicine.
"You are a coward, Tsukino Usagi. A crybaby and a coward. So go ahead. Lie here and rot in this bedroom. Why should I care," Mamoru sneered. "I never wanted to be in this position in the first place. You were the one who had the chance to say no, to choose someone who could coddle you back to life or whatever the hell you want right now, and instead - for some unexplainable reason - you still picked me. I don't know what you expected from this... what you hoped to achieve here. But if your goal was to humiliate and insult me, bravo. You win. Now I'm going to take my leave, before I do or say anything brash, and you can take solace in the fact that your last wish to me the morning before the 'Downtown Debacle' came true. You never have to see me ever again. Have a nice life, Odango Atama."
It took supreme effort not to slam the door in his wake, but Mamoru was trying so hard to take the high road here; to not stoop to the levels of petty Odango had just displayed. Inside, he was fuming.
The comment about his parents had been utterly uncalled for. He knew Usagi had no idea about them, about the accident and how horrible and lonely his childhood had been ever since, but it still didn't justify what she'd said.
He wasn't an ass.
Well... he wasn't always an ass.
He certainly had his moments, and somehow it was usually her who brought that acerbity out of him - why was everything intensified around this small fiery blonde? - but he really had been trying to help her. Had he been going about it all wrong? Was she right to have taken offense with him? Mamoru sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, taking extra care to massage the aching synapses long and hard as he slowly, defeatedly, made his way back downstairs.
He was a very factual learner. A sensate through and through. He thrived off of being handed the 'how's and 'why's of a problem, which then allowed him dive in and dissect the issue, and only then once he understood every piece of the puzzle could he hope to solve it. That's what he had been trying to do with Usagi... give her the keys and see if she might've unlocked it herself... but maybe, Usagi didn't operate that way. She was after all his opposite in most things... perhaps she learned best by looking at the puzzle in a different way. A 'bigger picture' way. So while he tackled life's little obstacles with all the mental acuity he'd been given, perhaps she was more of a tactile learner. If they ever were to continue their lessons, he would need to think of more hands-on activities to get her brain whirring, back on the track it needed to be if she was to have any hope of making progress.
That was a very big if.
Bordering on never the hell again.
Mamoru wandered into the kitchen to find Ikuko nursing a chamomile tea, her body slumped over the cup and the counter like she had barely the strength to sit with her normal grace. Still, she snapped to attention when Mamoru entered, plastering on a brilliantly fake smile.
"Mamoru-san! That was quick! How did it go?"
"Er... not well. She... didn't feel up for training today."
Ikuko immediately deflated, sighing, her dull blue eyes dancing a wayward path back to the curls of wispy steam making their way out of her mug. "Yes... I thought I might have heard her raised voice. She's... still struggling to come to grips with it, I think. I'm sorry you came all this way. I'd see if I could coax her out but I just- I don't know what to do to help her. She's shut us all out."
Ikuko looked so lost, so completely set adrift, that Mamoru wanted to give her a hug. But she wasn't one of the few close to him, and he knew it wouldn't have been proper, so he fought the urge - his only tell a slight twitch of the fingers. The eighteen-year-old then bowed deeply, murmuring, "Thank you for having me, Tsukino-san. I'm only sorry I couldn't do more. If... if she happens to express an interest in trying-"
"You'll be the first person I call," Ikuko said, and this time, her smile was genuine. She stood up and went to stand in front of him, reaching an arm up to pat his cheek in a gesture so motherly, it brought a pang to Mamoru's chest and a lump to his throat. He swallowed it away. "And please. None of this Tsukino-san nonsense. Call me Ikuko-san."
Mamoru blushed, ducking his head as he turned for the door. This time, the lump was more difficult to chase away. "Good afternoon, Ikuko-san."
He ambled out onto the porch and down the front walk, feeling the tension in his shoulders beginning to release as they sagged forward, and he groaned.
Well... that was a disaster.
The more Mamoru reflected on what had just occurred with Usagi, the more appalled he became with himself. He usually had so much more control than that. He often prided himself on his compartmentalization; his ability to hide his emotions inside a box, to be taken out and examined at a later point, once he was alone. Safe. It was a coping mechanism he learned long ago, at the orphanage, and it was really what allowed him to function all these years. Otherwise, the sheer monstrous pain of his past would have surely struck him down, far before he had the chance to make something of himself. But this... this had just been so inappropriate on his part. Wasn't he supposed to be the teacher here? He was supposed to keep his cool, maintain his professionalism, no matter what his student - his patient - threw at him. It was one of the most important aspects of his job.
Mamoru resolved that should Usagi ever reach out to him for training, he wouldn't let it devolve like that again. Wouldn't let her get under his skin... even if she inadvertently brought up the sore subject of his parents. There was no excuse for how he acted. Though... Mamoru cocked a wan smile, musing with chagrin as he remembered the frighteningly dead look she had greeted him with, I suppose at the very least, I did manage to light a fire in her.
It was not a fire Mamoru had lit in Usagi.
It was an inferno.
Everything from the past week - the arrangement with Mamoru, her friends' distance, her family's endless clucking over her, but most of all, the pure 'why me' terror of having to be blind - was swelling and seeping within her like fast-moving cancer. She was an arrow upon a bow, pulled taut... A frothing pot, about to boil over... her whole being screamed for release but there was no relief for her, no, not now that she could not cry. So Usagi just stood there, shaking, fists squeezed so tightly she felt her nails drawing blood, all the while gasping as if on the verge of hyperventilation.
Luna was saying something, and Usagi strained to hear her over the thunderous pulsing in her ears.
"Usagi-chan... he's gone now... it's alright. Let go. Just let it go."
Luna's gentle encouragement resounded over and over in her head. Let go... just let it go... Usagi hiccupped once, then twice, then three times... and suddenly, it was as if the dam inside her broke. She let out a visceral howl, lunging for the first thing she could find - her chicken cuckoo clock, unused since last week, and she sent it careening across the room. It made a startled chirp as it hit the wall, and wow, did that feel good.
She fumbled some more; alighted upon another hapless victim. This time, her school pencil holder, and it too suffered the same fate. On and on it went, as she systematically began to destroy her room, a manic satisfaction stealing over her as Usagi heard every thud, crack and splat.
Her bedroom door went flying open.
"Usagi! What-"
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Her mother sounded horrified. "But-"
"GO!"
Ikuko made a hasty retreat. Usagi continued to rage, all of her raw, pent up emotions finally finding an outlet. She didn't need most of this junk anyway; everything was either useless to her in her sightless new state, or, it could easily be replaced. What mattered more was that at last, she was feeling again. She was healing. Usagi didn't know how it was possible, but somehow Luna - that wonderful, smart, sassy cat, currently perched in the corner monitoring her charge to be sure she didn't accidentally harm herself - must have known what she did not. That this catharsis was exactly what Usagi needed. She had been bottling everything up for too long, but now, it was out in the open for her bedroom to receive. And she?
She was free.
It was relieving. Exhilarating. And very exhausting.
Usagi eventually lost steam, her body protesting weakly after its weeklong stint of inactivity, and so she collapsed onto the bed with a marveling chuckle. "That... felt really good."
"I figured perhaps now that you could not grieve in your usual manner, you had let it sit and fester inside you... and that perhaps you needed a more physical way to express your pain," Luna whispered, her voice like a soft caress within the shadows of Usagi's mind. The teen smiled brightly and opened up her arms, willing the cat to come cuddle with her a bit.
"Well you were right. I do feel loads better. Now... just a short power nap and then I think I might go downstairs and see what's for dinner," Usagi said, wrapping her arms around the ball of fur that had slipped into her waiting embrace. Luna kneaded her claws playfully into the fabric of Usagi's shirt.
"I think the more appropriate term would be cat nap," the ebony feline giggled, and Usagi had only the strength to snort drowsily before she began to drift. It was in the bewitching state just before sleep had her in its snares, when one's vulnerabilities are bared to the world, that she murmured,
"I'm not a coward, am I?"
"No. You are definitely not."
"I'm not. I need him to know that."
"He'll know."
oOo
She woke to hands carding through her hair, and the warm, familiar scent she'd grown up with her whole life; the one she associated with comfort... safety... provision... love.
"Well now... this is a little bit of a mess, isn't it?"
"I was re-decorating," Usagi quipped mildly, floating back to awareness with a cockney smile.
"I think you missed a spot," Ikuko returned the good humor, and Usagi had to laugh. "You seem in better spirits. I'm glad."
"I do feel better! More like... me again. Whatever had hold of me before, it doesn't anymore." Ikuko helped Usagi up and gave her a fierce hug; the kind Usagi had always sought out after nightmares or a broken heart. She nuzzled into her Mama's protective grasp. "Sorry I've been a bit of a... well, you know... lately. I guess I've just been angry at the situation."
"Don't apologize, sweetie. You of all people shouldn't apologize. It's me who should be sorry. I pushed you into that lesson with Mamoru-san today, and I should have known it was too soon; you weren't ready. I just... I don't know. I feel like a terrible mother. I don't know what you need. I'm hurting you more than helping you, seems like."
Usagi sighed. "It was just... you guys were treating me so differently. I'm still me. I'm not glass. But... I don't want to pretend nothing's wrong, either. If that makes sense?"
"Perfect sense."
"Really, I just wish everything would go back to normal," Usagi admitted, in a small voice.
"Oh honey," Ikuko gathered her back in, "We all wish that. More than anything. But you can't change what is, only how you react to it, and what matters now is that you keep on keeping on. I guess part of why I was pushing so hard was I just... didn't want to see you giving up."
"I won't give up. Promise," Usagi said, meaning it with every fibre of her being this time. "Which is why... I'm going to start up my lessons again tomorrow. For you... and for me."
Ikuko made a thrumming noise of approval Usagi felt deep into her chest. Her mother untangled them to gaze delightfully into Usagi's countenance; her daughter knew because the joy was positively emanating off the woman. "You will? Oh Usagi. I'm so proud. You'll learn so quickly, I know you will. And you'll have such a kind, sweet, handsome teacher to boot."
She could hear the suggestive wink in Ikuko's teasing last remark, and it took all her willpower not to gag openly. "Ewwww, Mama! He's... he's old!"
And a smarmy, cold-hearted, fashion-deficient jerk!
"Hey, you're almost fifteen. That's what, three and a half years? That's nothing when you're adults. Your Papa and I are five years apart!"
"Mama, please..."
"Not your type?"
"Not even a little bit."
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Note: *cracks knuckles* Well how 'bout them apples? What did you all think? Hopefully it packed the punch needed to push Usagi into the cathartic moment she so needed. It's all uphill from here ;) I would definitely appreciate feedback on this one given how intense it was. It was hard, but hopefully I succeeded in setting the stage for Usagi and Mamoru's tumultuous beginning that will eventually grow into more? They had to be a little harsh with each other, but not too harsh, if you know what I mean.
I also hope you guys enjoyed the longer than usual length! I wrote so much because there might be a delay given the holidays, and I wanted to tide everyone over until I can update again. There were also some big things that happened in my life... on November 24th, I GOT ENGAGED! My sweetheart and I are over the moon. I CANNOT WAIT to be his wife! But... I guess this means... I have to plan a wedding!? (*runs screaming because that is just way too much adult responsibility for this Angel*) So... yeah. Things might be a little busier on my end than usual, and it could definitely affect my writing time. But I will try!
Most gracious thanks to the following reviewers of last chapter: Moon Bunny, Oreo596, Guest (x2), phillynz, Jenbunny, SaphireShimmer, tryntee13, missmartian369, ZeroAmada, Rufael, cimmimon, NikkiBC, jessielee14, karseneau1, MyIndy13, crystaltokyo123, and TinkStar87. I am eternally in your debt for keeping me going on this! I only feel bad that I didn't have the time to reply to each and every one of you, but know that I cherished every review! Big kisses!
Happy Holidays and Best Wishes for 2019!
AngelMoon Girl