Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 2: Ruby, or: When the Cinnamon Roll Is Too Sweet
Jaune stood in front of the mirror, looking himself over. Hoodie? Check. Dad's old jeans? Check. Two belts, for extra style? Double check. Armor set he had picked up from an old pawn shop on his way into Vale? Check. Funny-smelling cologne his mom had given him when she finally figured out that he was actually into the opposite sex? You'd better believe that's a check. Suave factor: off the charts. He was going to have to be careful, lest he end up with too many women hanging off his arm.
Unfortunately for those hypothetical harlots, Jaune Arc had eyes for only one fair maiden in all of Beacon.
He took a moment to pose dramatically before pushing his way out of the bathroom. Everyone's eyes turned to him, and he couldn't help but sport a cocky smirk. Sure, it might have made him come off as a bit of a jerk, but as far as he was concerned, he had a right to – he had a date tonight.
Oh, that reminded him: week-old condom in his wallet that he had grabbed from the bowl the professors had left in the common area, just in case? That's a check, and another check just for being so safe. Not that he intended to use it, of course; he was a classy guy. It was just a precaution, nothing more.
...But if she was the one pushing for it, then…
Shaking that thought from his head, he turned towards his team. "How do I look?"
"Like you always do," Ren said.
Jaune frowned. "You didn't notice my haircut?"
Ren squinted, then shrugged. "Not at first glance, but now that you mention it..."
"You look amazing, Jaune!" Nora interjected. "Like a… well, not quite a million lien; maybe more like a thousand lien. But still, that's a lot of lien!"
"Thanks, guys," Jaune said. They always knew what to say to him. Turning to his partner, he asked, "What do you think, Pyr?"
Pyrrha blinked, surprised at being singled out. Then, slowly, a wide smile crept its way across her face.
"You look great, Jaune!" she said through gritted teeth. For some reason, her whole body was shaking Slowly, she gave him two thumbs up. "Have a good time on your date tonight!"
"I will, thanks." With that, he turned and pushed his way through the door, heading towards his girlfriend's dorm.
Huh, that was funny. For just a second, he thought he heard someone sobbing as he left his dorm room. Ah well, it was probably nothing. Brushing a stray strand of hair into place, Jaune approached his date's door, then rapped on it twice.
The person who opened the door was not Ruby. In fact, it wasn't a person so much as a fist headed for his face at the speed of light. Jaune narrowly ducked out of the way, then stared at the door, perplexed.
Hate-filled lilac eyes stared back. Yang stood there, her fist outstretched.
"Oh, whoops," she said nonchalantly. "Sorry; I tripped while opening the door. Didn't mean to almost hit you."
"Ah, that's okay," Jaune said, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. At least it was just an accident. "Is Ruby there?"
Yang's gaze narrowed. She opened her mouth to say something only for a red blur to come crashing into her and knock her over to the side and out of view.
"Jaune!" Ruby said, rocketing towards him and wrapping her arms around him. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you!"
She broke the hug, then met his gaze with a wide smile. She clasped her hands behind her back, then began to slowly rock back and forth on her heels. "So, what was the plan for tonight?"
Gods above, she's cute, Jaune thought. A bolt of pain lanced through his chest, causing him to wince and clutch at his heart. Ruby was upon him in an instant, but he waved her off.
"It's fine, Rubes; probably just heartburn," he said. His girlfriend gave him a concerned look, but he simply shook himself off before giving her a wide smile. "Anyway, I figured we'd start with the arcade, then maybe get some pizza, and finish the night with some ice cream. That sound good?"
Her smile grew wider and she nodded frantically. "Yes! Let's go!"
She took one step out before her eyes widened and she let out a gasp. Quickly, she darted back into the room, then began rooting through the bookshelf.
Yang sauntered back into view, clutching at her head with a wince. When she saw Jaune, she glared at him, her eyes flashing red.
"Hey, Vomit Boy," she said, her tone accusatory. "Try any funny business and I'll-"
"Zwei!" Ruby called.
"Zwei?" Yang asked.
A black-and-white mass suddenly collided into Yang with a loud bark, sending both of them tumbling end-over-end into the desk where Weiss was studying. The heiress let out an irritated shout, though Yang was too busy being unconscious to hear it. Zwei, meanwhile, picked himself up, shook himself off like nothing had happened, then walked over to where Ruby was rooting through the bookshelf and sat down expectantly.
"Good boy," Ruby said before reaching into her pocket and retrieving what looked suspiciously like a peanut butter cookie, all without looking away from the bookshelf. "Your payment, as agreed upon."
The corgi barked happily, then began chowing down on his cookie with gusto and in the way that only a dog eating peanut butter can – namely, for a very long time, with lots of tongue movement and lip smacking for like the next hour. Blake watched the whole thing from her bed with a disgusted look on her face.
Jaune, meanwhile, stood there perplexed. He liked Ruby – really liked Ruby – but she could be pretty weird at times. So could Yang. Maybe it ran in the family or something.
"Found it!" the redhead announced happily before zipping back over to Jaune in a cloud of petals, then happily presenting him with what she had been looking for.
"A book?" Jaune asked.
"Not just any book! This is a copy of Ozymandias' collection of fairy tales! Pocket-sized, so it's easy to carry around!"
"I see." He paused. "And you're giving this to me because-"
"Duh, because you're my prince charming!" She grinned a wide, toothy grin.
Jaune felt his heart flutter… right before that damn heartburn came back with a vengeance, causing him to double over in pain. Suddenly, trying to prove his masculinity by dumping sriracha sauce all over his spicy curry at lunch didn't seem like such a good idea.
...To be fair, it hadn't been a good idea at the time either, but at least now he wasn't crying.
Again, Ruby was upon him, and again, he waved her off.
"You know, if you're not feeling well-" she began.
"No way, Rubes," he said firmly. "This is a special night, for both of us. I'm not going to let a little heartburn ruin it."
"Well… okay. But if you feel sick, then we're coming back right away, mister!"
Jaune laughed, then tussled her hair. She squirmed, batting at his hands as she let out the most adorable little whine, and he winced as he felt some of the leftover stomach acid rise up again. Seriously, what was going on? Maybe he should stop for some antacid tablets at a drugstore once they got to Vale.
"Alright, let's go," Jaune said. He tucked the book into his pocket and offered his arm, and Ruby graciously accepted, hooking her own around his with a wide grin. The two set off towards the airship, their spirits high.
This was going to be awesome.
This was not awesome.
"So, you're the guy, huh?"
The stench of liquor, stale body odor, bad decisions, and a lifetime of regrets filled his nostrils as the strange man leaned forward, inspecting him with hate-filled eyes. Jaune resisted the urge to gag, instead pressing himself against the wall of the alley he had been dragged into.
The scary-looking man glared at Jaune before pulling away, though he kept the blonde pinned to the wall with his scythe all the same. After a second, he let out a hateful snort.
"Seriously, you? I don't get it. You're a noodle; Ruby herself has more muscle than you. You look like a heavy wind would send you flopping to the ground."
"How do you kn-" The man suddenly pressed the blade of his scythe up against Jaune's throat, cutting off his airflow.
His gaze narrowed dangerously. "I talk, you listen. Got it?"
Jaune frantically nodded. The man seemed satisfied and pulled his scythe far enough away that Jaune could breathe again.
"Right, so I've got one question: what does she see in you?"
Jaune blinked, but stayed silent. The man sighed.
"Obviously, you can talk now."
"Oh. I just figured that, since you said-"
"Answer the damn question!"
"AlrightPleaseDon'tHurtMe!" Jaune said frantically. "Uh, I think she said I'm her prince charming?"
"And why would she say that?"
"I think-"
"Do you?"
"Yes." The man's eyes narrowed. "Sometimes." They narrowed even further. "...Rarely."
He grunted in understanding, then motioned for Jaune to continue. "Uh, I think she said she liked my personality?"
"Your personality? Kid, you're a socially awkward mess, even worse than Rubes herself – and before you ask how I know, I've been tailing you since the drugstore."
Jaune nodded in understanding. Okay, so he had been so nervous about having to stop by a drugstore with his date that he had accidentally asked where the pregnancy tests were kept instead of the antacid tablets, but come on, he was sure plenty of guys did that. It wasn't that bad.
"Also, when Rubes told you that she had to stop by the ladies' room, you asked her why."
What was wrong with that? He just wanted to know if she would be taking a while, so he wouldn't get worried.
"And then you asked her if she needed you for anything while she was in there."
Okay, that one was a bit less forgivable, but it was just a slip of the tongue! It wasn't that bad!
"...Okay, so I'm a bit awkward," Jaune admitted. "But I have good aspects too."
"Name one."
"I'm brave."
"You almost peed yourself when I pulled you into this alley."
Actually, a little pee really did come out. Like, three or four drops. Maybe five. Definitely no more than seven. But come on, he had thought he was about to be mugged and killed! That was a perfectly acceptable reaction!
"...Okay, so I'm not brave," he admitted. "But I'm-"
"Nope."
"Nope?"
"Nope. Whatever you're about to say, you're the opposite."
"...Starting to get the feeling that you don't like me very much."
"Gee, what gave it away? Besides the big-ass scythe ready to cut your head off."
"Jaune!" Ruby called from outside the alley. "Are you in there?"
The drunk man's eyes widened slightly, though he was quick to replace it with a glare as he turned to Jaune. "Try anything funny and I'll hunt you down, cut all your limbs off, and leave you in the Emerald Forest for the Grimm to enjoy." He paused. "After I send your scroll history to your parents. Understand?"
"Y-yes, sir!" Jaune stammered fearfully. The last time he had been so afraid was when he ran into the Death Stalker during initiation. Threatening to cut his limbs off and let the Grimm eat him or whatever was one thing, but sending his browser history to his parents first? That was a whole new level of terrifying.
"Good. Now, this conversation never happened, and you never saw me."
"What conversation, and with who?"
"Hm. Maybe you actually are smarter than you look."
With that, the man collapsed his scythe and placed it on his belt, then turned and began to saunter away, turning the corner and disappearing out of sight. Jaune breathed a sigh of relief as he watched him go, slumping down slightly as he did.
"Jaune!" Ruby called once again.
"Over here, Rubes!" Jaune called.
Ruby immediately sped over to him using her semblance. "Oh, there you are! What are you doing here? It's all gross and filled with garbage." She sniffed the air. "Why does it smell like some old, homeless, and drunk vagabond was just here?"
"No idea. I was just out, uh… dumpster diving."
"Dumpster diving?"
"Yeah. You never know what you might find."
"O...kay..." Ruby said. "...What did you find?"
"...Stuff."
"Like…?"
Great, his cover-up had just spiraled out of control. Why did this always happen whenever he tried to lie? It was like that time when he accidentally caught Weiss walking out of the bathroom clad in only a towel all over again, though thankfully this time there weren't any windows for him to be thrown out of.
Think, Jaune. What would someone find in an alley like this, besides empty forties, dirty needles, and used condoms?
"...Food," he finally said.
"Food?"
"Food," he repeated, much more confidently. "You know, sometimes grocery stores will throw out stuff that doesn't sell, even though it's still perfectly edible."
To prove his point, he sauntered over to a nearby dumpster and, after a moment's hesitation, plunged his hand inside of it. He fished around for a moment before he felt his hand close around something that felt vaguely like food, and that he really hoped wasn't something like a dirty diaper. He counted to three in his head before pulling his hand free, sighing in relief when he found a half-eaten hot dog instead.
Ruby looked disgusted. "Okay, point proven. You weren't actually going to eat that, were you?"
"What, this? Pssh, of course not." He shrugged.
She breathed a sigh of relief, though it was quickly replaced with confusion. "...But wait, if you weren't going to eat it, then why were you in this alley looking for food?"
"...I was going to save it for later."
"But we're getting pizza and ice cream later. Unless… you don't want to go on a date with me..."
Her lower lip began to tremble and she wrapped her arms around herself for comfort. Jaune took one look at her, then at the half-eaten hot dog in his hand, wincing when he saw the latter covered in some kind of miscellaneous dumpster fluid.
"...Actually, I think I'll eat it now," he announced. "I'm pretty hungry, and I want to make sure I don't eat all the pizza and ice cream later. You know, because that's for us to share. On our date. Which we're definitely still on, and which I am definitely not canceling, because I like you. A lot."
He cast a glance back at the hot dog, then sighed.
The things I do for love.
Then, slowly, he opened his mouth, bringing the dumpster food closer and closer. Ruby watched in a mixture of shocked awe and morbid disgust as it inched closer to its destination.
Then, after several seconds, Jaune took a big bite.
"Are you feeling better now?" Ruby asked, concerned.
Jaune wiped the last of the vomit from his mouth before standing up straight and flashing her a smile and a thumbs-up. "Never better!"
He felt horrible. The one saving grace was that the airship ride had forced him to empty out the contents of his stomach before arriving in Vale, so there actually wasn't much for him to throw up this time. Still, that hot dog was easily the second-worst thing he had ever eaten, with the first being one of Ren's 'healthy' concoctions that the Mistralian boy had dubbed the 'Natural Herbal Surprise'.
The 'surprise', it turned out, was that it tasted like Jaune's old cat. That had certainly been a conversation and a half.
"It tastes like my cat, Ren."
"It tastes like everyone's cat, Jaune."
How that was supposed to be a positive, Jaune had no idea.
Shaking that thought from his head, Jaune turned back to his date and tried his best to put on a confident look for her. It was hard to do when it felt like there was a swarm of rapier wasps in his stomach, but he tried his best.
"Anyway, let's not worry about me," he announced. "Instead, why don't we head on over to the arcade and play some games?"
Ruby looked hesitant, but he put a hand on her shoulder and smiled at her. "C'mon, I'll win you a prize and everything."
She gasped, seemingly happy at the idea of her first date ending up like a standard storybook romance. Nodding frantically, took Jaune's hand, much to his confusion.
Seconds later, he realized what she was planning to do.
"Ruby, wait-"
But it was too late. She sped off using her semblance, leaving a trail of rose petals and vomit behind.
Aside from once again having to throw up for several minutes, the arcade was just like Jaune had expected: loud, filled with kids and teenagers, and riddled with video games. It was essentially the perfect spot for two awkward teenagers to have their first date: with all the kids around making a ruckus, nobody would give them a second glance when they got too into a game. With all the teenagers around, they wouldn't look out of place. Finally, with all the video games, they both had something to do together.
"What do you want to play first?" Ruby asked, positively jittering with excitement from her spot at his arm.
"I don't know, Ruby. What do you want to-"
She suddenly let out a loud, drawn-out gasp, her eyes lighting up. Jaune followed her gaze and found what she was so transfixed on: an arcade cabinet with the image of a zombie on it, and the words 'Mansion of the Undead 2' emblazoned overhead.
Ruby turned towards him, fire blazing in her eyes. "We're playing that!"
Jaune smirked. "You sure you can handle a horror game, Rubes?"
She let out a little whine. "Jaaaaaune! You promised you wouldn't bring that up!"
Jaune winced as he once again felt a pain surge through his chest, but he simply pushed the feeling away and popped a few antacid tablets. Turning back to her, he smirked once again.
"I'm just saying, the last time we tried watching a horror movie together, you didn't do so well."
"Because you picked a really scary one, you… you bully!" She turned away with a huff and crossed her arms. Again, Jaune found himself forced to take some antacid tablets. "This game isn't scary at all!"
"You've played it before?"
"I've played Mansion of the Undead 1. I can handle it, Jaune! Please?"
Jaune chuckled. "I'm just messing with you, Rubes. Of course we can."
She let out a small cheer, then darted over to the machine and beckoned him over. As he approached, Jaune felt his heart sink into his chest.
It was a light gun game. As in, a game with lots of shooting in it. And if there was one thing Jaune was bad at, it was shooting. He still remembered the time Pyrrha had let him try out her rifle. It had ended with him somehow accidentally shooting her in the head (luckily her aura was up), and also with a hot shell casing bouncing down into her bra.
Unfortunately, the 'hot casing dance', as it was apparently called, was nowhere near as funny or entertaining as it sounded when you were on a firing range surrounded by loaded guns.
Oh, and he had shot her in the head, which was also really bad.
Needless to say, they had both earned a temporary ban from Beacon's gun range that day.
Swallowing nervously, Jaune stepped up beside his girlfriend, picking up the orange plastic handgun in front of him as he did so. "Okay, so how does this work?"
"Easy: you aim at the monsters and shoot. If you need to reload, you aim off screen and pull the trigger. If you get hit by a monster or accidentally shoot a civilian, you lose health. Lose all your health and it's game over. Got it?"
"I think so."
"Alright!" Ruby fished out a few tokens from her pocket and stuffed them into the machine, then took up a low ready stance with her handgun pointed down and her finger off the trigger.
Jaune tried to copy her stance, but somehow he knew he wasn't doing it right.
"These zombies won't know what hit 'em," Ruby announced, a savage smirk crossing her face.
"Game over!"
Ruby stared at the screen, slack-jawed. After a moment, she cleared her throat. "Uh, Jaune?"
"Yeah, Rubes?"
"What was that?! We barely got past the first few screens! It's been-" she checked her scroll. "-Barely three minutes! What happened?!"
Jaune chuckled nervously, rubbing the back of his head. "I… kinda shot a few civilians."
"A few?! You shot them all!"
"They looked just like the zombies, okay?"
"Jaaaaaune!" Ruby whined.
Man, that spicy curry at lunch must have hit him a lot harder than her thought. Still, at least it was just heartburn; it could have been so much worse, like at Saphron's sixteenth birthday party, where she specifically requested spicy Vacuan food for all her guests.
The thought was enough to make him shudder. That toilet was never the same again.
"I'm sorry, Rubes." She pouted, which only made her look cuter. "Look, I'll make it up to you. How about I win you a prize?"
Instantly, she brightened up. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes!"
Jaune laughed, ruffling her hair. She squirmed and groaned, but otherwise didn't react. Looking around, the blonde found the perfect machine with which to achieve his goal: the classic skee-ball machine.
He inserted his tokens, then picked up one of the balls with a cocky grin.
Time to show this arcade what he was made of.
"Your prize, sir: one candy ring."
"Yeah, yeah..." Jaune muttered.
Okay, so apparently he wasn't as good at skee-ball as he thought he was. Still, at least he had won something, so his pride wasn't completely broken, even if it was a bit cracked in places.
Unwrapping the candy, Jaune took hold of his date's hand, then got down on one knee. Their eyes met, and he slowly slid the ring onto her finger. Ruby giggled as he did so, which made him grin.
"Jaune, you're such a dork," she teased.
"Yeah, but I'm your dork."
That earned another giggle. "You sure are, Prince Charming." She brought the ring up to her mouth and licked it. "So, pizza?"
He actually perked up a little. "Pizza sounds great."
That was just what he needed: some greasy, unhealthy food. His date hadn't gone perfectly like he had wanted, and this would be just the thing to raise his spirits.
Also, there was still a bit of vomit in his mouth, and he really needed something to wipe away the taste.
They had only been in the pizza shop for a few minutes and already Jaune felt better. The smell of melted cheese and red sauce was enough to perk up any teenager, and it was doing wonders for both him and his date.
The two of them settled into a booth, menus in their hands. They had both agreed to split a pizza on the way there; it was cheaper, and according to Ruby, it was tradition that couples split one up rather than order two separate ones, and he wasn't about to argue.
"You go ahead and order, Rubes," Jaune said, placing his menu down.
Ruby gave him a tentative glance. "You sure?"
"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"
She fidgeted uncomfortably. "Well… Yang says I have weird tastes in pizza. You might not like what I get."
"What, do you like anchovies or something?"
"Ew! Jaune, I'm not Blake! Don't even joke about that!"
"Alright, alright." He held his hands up in surrender. "Look, just order whatever you want. I'm sure I'll like it. It's pretty hard to ruin pizza, after all."
"Well… if you're sure."
After another minute, their waiter stopped by the table. "What can I get you two?"
"One large pineapple-and-ham pizza, with extra pineapple!" Ruby all but shouted.
Instantly, Jaune felt his expression fall. Somehow, Ruby had managed to do the impossible: all but ruin a perfectly good pizza. Honestly, he should have figured this would happen – she had the biggest sweet tooth in Beacon, so if the option to eat something sweet presented itself, she was going to take it. Never mind that it completely clashed with the rest of the pizza – if Ruby wanted some sweetness, that was what she was going to get.
And he was going to have play along, lest he both look like an idiot and accidentally offend his girlfriend by insinuating that her taste in pizza was awful.
Which it was, but he wasn't about to tell her that.
Why, Ruby? What did pizza ever do to you?
"Jaune, are you okay?"
"I'm more than okay!" Jaune announced. "I'm just… so excited to eat some pizza!"
Ruby giggled. "Yeah, I figured; you kind of threw up everything else you ate during the day already."
She didn't have to remind him; that extra-spicy curry did not taste any better the second time. Easily the third-worst thing he had ever eaten… though something told him that it was about to have a strong rival in the next few minutes.
The two exchanged a bit more idle small talk over the next couple of minutes, mainly about their families and their lives at Beacon. Apparently, that drunk guy that had accosted Jaune earlier was her uncle (though not by blood; honestly, her family situation was kind of weird)… which made sense, since Jaune had honestly thought it had just been some drunk homeless man who happened to know Ruby. At least now he knew what to expect during family gatherings.
Oh, and apparently her dad could also be really overprotective, so that was fantastic. Honestly, how come all the sweetest girls had the most ridiculous families? Was it really too much to ask for a drama-free relationship? It was like they wanted Ruby to stay single forever.
Finally, their pizza arrived. Both of them stared at it as it sat cooling on the table – her with ravenous hunger in her eyes, and him with apprehension and regret in his.
They had absolutely gone all-out on the pineapple, just like Ruby had asked for. There wasn't a single square inch of the pizza that didn't have a big chunk of the strong-tasting fruit on it. Sure, there was also some ham, but apparently they had decided that if they were going to put on extra pineapple, they had better leave most of the ham off.
"Well, time to dig in!" Ruby announced with glee, cutting herself a big slice and tearing into it with gusto. A wide grin crossed her face and she hummed in satisfaction. "Delicious!"
Jaune gulped nervously. He went to cut himself off a more modest piece, only to catch Ruby staring at him in confusion.
"Yes, Ruby?"
"Didn't you say you were really hungry earlier?" she questioned.
"...Yes?"
"Then why are you cutting yourself such a small piece? C'mon, eat up! You must be starving; I mean, you said you were hungry before you threw up a few more times! That must mean you're really extra hungry!"
Jaune fought back a wince. Yeah, she had him dead to rights on that one. Reluctantly, he cut himself off a big piece. He was about to reach for the parmesan cheese and red pepper flakes before he caught himself; those would probably only make the concoction in front of him taste even worse.
Well, it looked like he was going to have to go in raw, so to speak.
Forgive me, taste buds.
The two of them pushed their way out of the pizza joint a short while later, both of their stomachs full… though only one of them was satisfied.
If I have to eat pineapple again at any point in the next month, I'm going to blow my lid.
Ruby hummed to herself as she walked alongside him, a wide grin on her face. At least she was happy.
You're lucky you're so cute and have such a great personality, Ruby. Otherwise, I don't know if I would be able to subject myself to that kind of punishment again.
One slice of pizza was bad. Two slices was worse. Three slices was torture. And yet, he had forced himself to eat half of the pizza, both because he really didn't want to risk upsetting his date, and because he still needed to act like he was starving.
Why do I even bother to lie at this point? I can't get away with anything.
"Sooo…" Ruby began, "I know we both just had a bunch of pizza, but are you still down for ice cream?"
Oh, he was – the pizza may have gotten the taste of vomit out of his mouth, but now he needed something else to get the taste of pineapple out as well.
"Sure, Rubes. I mean, I did promise, after all."
She nodded excitedly, taking hold of his hand once more. She was about to take off running when she caught himself, turning to him with a sheepish grin.
"Heh, sorry – almost forgot."
"Ah, don't worry about it," Jaune replied. "We'll just walk. That way we can work off the-"
"Ruby?" Someone called from across the street.
Jaune paused in surprise. He looked over at his date to see that she had buried her head in her hands.
"Oh, no..." she whispered.
"Ruby!" the person shouted again. They began to to cross the street heading towards them; Jaune was able to make out a tall blonde man wearing a vest and cargo shorts.
As he approached, Ruby raised her head, giving a sheepish and awkward grin. "H-hey, Dad!"
Jaune's face fell. Dad…?
The man paused in front of them, beaming widely. "Hey, kiddo!" He reached out and ruffled her hair. Unlike earlier with Jaune, she didn't react. Apparently, her dad thought this was strange, as he gave her a weird look; it was quick to disappear when he looked over at Jaune. "Who's this? Friend of yours?"
"Y-yeah! Just a fri-"
"Actually, I'm her date tonight," Jaune announced proudly.
Okay, that sounded a lot better in his head. He had figured that since lying had done nothing but make things worse, he might as well tell the truth for once. It was supposed to make him sound confident, as if he was saying, 'Yeah, I'm taking your daughter out for a night on the town, and there's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well leave us alone, old man!' At least, that was the plan.
In practice, it sounded more like Jaune had just signed his own death warrant.
Ruby's dad blinked. "Oh." He gazed at Jaune for a second, then looked back to Ruby. "So, where were you two headed?"
Ruby sighed. It was the sigh of someone who had given up on everything and just wanted the world to die already. "We were going to get ice cream, Dad. We went to the arcade, then got pizza, and now we want to eat some ice cream and head back to Beacon."
"Okay, cool. Let's go."
She looked at him incredulously. "'Let's go?'"
"Yeah. I'll go with you."
"Dad, please-"
He held up a hand. "Look, I'll buy. I just want to talk to your date for a bit. Figured you might want to come along in case you're worried I might try and kill him."
"Daaaad!" Ruby whined. "Jaune's not like that guy Yang dated back in Signal! He's different!"
"He'd better be; I'd hate for another person to fall down our stairs and accidentally cripple themselves for life."
Jaune felt himself choke. Suddenly, it seemed like a very, very good idea to leave.
...But at the same time, he knew Ruby would be crestfallen if he just cut their date short because he was scared. Plus, for all her faults, he actually really did like her a lot.
Besides, if everything else that had happened tonight was any indication, this was probably only ever going to end with him going to the hospital anyway. At least this way, he could say he did it in the name of a girl he really liked instead of because he did something extraordinarily stupid.
"Lead the way, sir," Jaune said.
Ruby stared at him, wide-eyed. "Jaune, I don't know about-"
He waved her off gently. "Oh, I'm sure it's fine, Rubes. Your dad seems like a stand-up guy; I mean, if he raised two amazing daughters, he has to be."
"Flattery will get you nowhere, young man," her dad warned. "And by the way, call me Taiyang, or Tai for short – it's easier than calling me 'Ruby's dad', and 'Mister Xiao Long' makes me feel old."
Ruby grumbled something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like 'You are old,' and Jaune had to stop himself from snorting, and also from wincing at the sudden burning in his chest.
Seriously, what was up with that? Maybe he should go see a doctor…
"Okay, Jaune: let's not mince words," Tai said. "You're dating my daughter."
Jaune looked up from his bowl of chocolate ice cream. He had been looking forward to using it to rid his taste buds of the crime against pizza he had consumed earlier, yet somehow he couldn't bring himself to eat even a single bite. Next to him, Ruby had practically inhaled her strawberry ice cream, and judging by the irritated look on her face, she hadn't been able to enjoy it.
He couldn't blame her; if he was a girl and his dad was interrogating his date, he would probably be similarly upset.
Jaune nodded. "Yes, sir. I am."
Tai leaned back, crossing his arms. "I see. And you're treating her right?"
"Of course, sir. Wouldn't dream of treating her any other way."
Suddenly, he was kicking himself for putting that condom in his wallet. Obviously, he was only trying to be safe just like his dad had always told him to be ("Remember, son: wrap it before you tap it, unless you want eight kids and a hip replacement before you're thirty-five"), but he suddenly felt supremely guilty about it. Ruby was a sweet girl; she wasn't a piece of meat for him to enjoy.
Taiyang nodded. "Good. That's good."
Suddenly, silence reigned over the table. Jaune softly cleared his throat. "That's it?"
Tai eyed him warily. "Were you expecting something more?"
"Kind of? I mean, I figured this was the point where you'd tell me to stay away from her or you'd pull my skull right out of my head and beat me to death with it."
That didn't seem physically possible, but somehow Jaune suspected that if anyone could do it, it was a father trying to protect his daughter's innocence.
Tai chuckled. "I mean, I could, but I don't think that would solve anything. For one, I'm pretty sure Ruby is tougher than you. She certainly has more muscle, in any case."
Taiyang may not have killed him, but he had certainly killed his pride. And here Jaune was, thinking that he had been making good progress in the weight room.
Though admittedly, his only real indicator as to that progress was the fact that Pyrrha couldn't seem to stop complimenting his arms. Apparently, she hadn't been completely truthful about that; he was probably going to have to talk to her about it when he got back to Beacon.
In any case, that wasn't important right now.
The veteran Huntsman continued. "Anyway, I don't see what the problem is – Ruby seems to like you, and you aren't a pig like some of the guys I've had to fend off from Yang. It may not seem like it, but that alone puts you head and shoulders above like ninety percent of the guys who have approached my daughters."
Well, confidence restored, then. "So, why sit me down for this little talk, then?"
"Honestly, I just wanted us to be on the same page. Ruby and Yang are all I have left. Yang can take care of herself, but Ruby is a bit more delicate."
"Daaaad!" Ruby whined.
Jaune winced, but did his best not to react. He was tempted to take some more antacid tablets, but decided against it; if they hadn't helped before, they wouldn't help now.
"Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I just want to make sure you're taking care of her. Treat her right, don't try and push her into doing something she doesn't want to do, and we'll get along just fine," Tai said.
Jaune grinned. "Of course. I wouldn't even think of treating her any other way."
Taiyang relaxed at that. "Good. After all, you're a young guy, and I'd hate to have to kill you." He checked his watch. "Well, I guess I'll leave you two alone, then. Try not to stay out too late."
"We won't," Jaune replied, only slightly scared.
With that, Tai rose from his seat, and with a wave goodbye, stepped out into the night, leaving the two of them alone. When he was gone, Jaune turned back to his date.
"Well, that was nice of him. Mostly."
"I'm actually surprised. I was expecting him to threaten to cut all your limbs off and feed you to some Grimm, or something."
Jaune laughed nervously. "Heh, yeah. Thankfully he didn't do that, right?"
"Yeah." Ruby looked down at his ice cream. "...You wanna split that?"
The blonde chuckled. Typical Ruby. "Of course, Rubes."
The two finished their ice cream together, then stepped out into the night. Suddenly, Jaune felt on top of the world – his date's overprotective dad had given them his blessing, he had finally eaten some good food, and most importantly, Ruby was happy.
Nothing could possibly ruin this moment.
"Jaune?" Ruby suddenly asked softly.
Jaune stopped, looking down at her. "Yeah, Rubes?"
"I… had a great time tonight."
Suddenly, Jaune noticed a steady blush creeping across her face. She looks so cute…
Ignoring the pain in his chest, he smiled at her. "I did too, Ruby."
She fidgeted in place. "I… want to give you something." Jaune raised an eyebrow, but before he could ask what, she suddenly stammered out, "C-close your eyes and lean down a bit!"
Blinking, Jaune did as he was told. Seconds later, he felt something press against his lips.
Strawberry and chocolate…
He suddenly opened his eyes, only to find himself staring into Ruby's face. Her eyes were closed, and her lips were pressed against his. His heart began to pound, and suddenly his heartburn returned, worse than ever.
Ruby opened her eyes, giving him a sheepish look. "Was that okay…?"
"It was… great, Rubes…!" Jaune managed to stammer out. It was so hard to breathe, and his chest felt like it was on fire. What was going on?
His date suddenly looked concerned. "Jaune, are you okay?"
"'m fine, let's… get back… to Beacon..."
He took a step forward, only to suddenly fall flat on his face. Ruby was at his side immediately, screaming his name. The pain in his chest began to intensify, and it was now impossible to breathe.
Wait a second: pain in the chest, shortness of breath… was this a heart attack? It felt like a heart attack.
Apparently, all that Pumpkin Pete's had finally caught up to him.
Betrayed by my own desire for comfortable clothing.
With black spots dancing on the corners of his vision, Jaune rolled over onto his back. The last thing he saw before he lost consciousness were twin pools of silver looking down at him. In his delirium, he couldn't help but think they were the most beautiful things in the world.
"Wake up."
Jaune groaned, clutching at his head as he sat up. He opened his eyes, only to recoil in surprise when he found himself staring at a lush green field instead of busy city streets.
"Where am I…?" he asked aloud.
"The afterlife. You died of a cuteness-induced heart attack. I don't know how you didn't notice what was going on earlier; the signs were all there."
He frowned. So that was it, then. Honestly, he felt like he should have been sad or disappointed at how he had died, but he really wasn't. At least he had gone out feeling somewhat fulfilled; that was better than most people got.
"So, is this the part where I reincarnate into another world?" he asked, only somewhat jokingly.
"No, this is the part where I kick your ass."
Well, that was certainly an attention-grabber. Jaune whipped around, only to pause with wide eyes at what he saw.
"Ruby…?"
No, even he could tell that wasn't right. This person looked very similar to Ruby, but she was very clearly not her. Whoever she was, she was wearing her hair a bit longer, she was a fully-grown adult, and she was wearing a white cloak as opposed to Ruby's favorite red cloak.
Also, a golden halo was floating above her head, though somehow he could tell it wasn't a part of her usual attire.
The stranger smirked, waving at him. "Hello, Jaune. My name is Summer Rose."
Summer Rose… "You're Ruby's mom!" Jaune said.
Huh. So he really was dead, then; it wasn't just some elaborate prank.
Damn. And he still had all those X-Ray and Vav comics to read.
Oh, and a date to finish.
Summer smirked. "Yes, I am." She brought her hands up and cracked her knuckles. "And I've decided to be nice and give you a ten-second head start."
Jaune blanched. "Uh..."
"Oh, don't play dumb. The afterlife does have some degree of omniscience, you know. We know more than mortals think we do." Her eyes narrowed. "Which is how I know about that condom you put in your wallet."
Uh oh. "Uh, Missus Rose, please! This is all a big misunderstanding!"
"Oh? So you didn't put a condom in your wallet, hoping to get lucky with my little girl?"
"No! I mean, yes! I mean, I was just trying to be safe!"
"That's what they all say." She smirked. It was a predatory smirk, with way too many teeth. "And here I was thinking this eternity was going to be boring. Luckily, I've got a brand new punching bag to alleviate some of that boredom. Also, your ten seconds are up."
As he ran, Jaune couldn't help but reflect on all that had happened. Sure, he had died and was now going to spend an eternity being pummeled by Ruby's guardian angel of a mom, but you know what? It had still been worth it just to make her happy for a bit. And while it may have been the thing that ultimately killed him, that kiss was going to stay with him for the rest of his un-life.
"Come back here and take it like a man, Arc!"
Assuming Summer didn't kill him a second time, that is.
This one is a lot longer than the first chapter, but I definitely don't plan on having most of them be this long – this one is kind of a fluke. I came up with a three-part date, not realizing that it was going to take this much to fill it, but eventually decided that I liked the idea too much to abandon it.
Also, Lancaster just so happens to be pretty easy to write comedy for – I mean, it's two socially awkward dorks dating, so comedy is bound to follow. Of course, Ruby didn't seem like the proper girl to do a really raunchy chapter for, so I went for something a bit more grounded and much less perverted than I did with Blake to compensate.
That being said, you can absolutely expect the return of the raunchiness starting next chapter. It will go on for a while, too. I should also mention that I'm quite excited for it – it's certainly proven to be a fun one to work on. I'm also going to go out on a limb and say that it's most likely someone that none of you would expect. Here's a hint: It's not a RWBY member.
Next update: Saturday, December 28.