Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 4: Raven, or: Gently Rapping, Rapping at Her Backdoor
Ever since he was a little kid, Jaune Arc had dreamed of being a hero. His father and grandfather had raised him on stories of heroes both ancient and modern, of monsters slain and maidens saved, of tales of heroism both real and fantastical. Their intention had never been anything more than to entertain, yet they had inadvertently lit a fire in the youngest Arc male's belly, one that compelled him to live up to the example set by both his ancestors and the imaginary heroes in the stories he had been told. When they had refused his request to attend Beacon, Jaune had decided to go against them for the first time in his life and take matters into his own hands, all in pursuit of a dream. Getting into Beacon had been his first step in realizing that dream, and for a while, it had been good.
But soon enough, one big problem presented itself.
Namely, that living with four people – two of them girls – left him with zero chance to deal with his hormones in the way that all teenage boys with a healthy sex drive felt the need to.
The first week had been fine. The second week had been a bit harder, but still doable. The third week was when it started to get unbearable. The fourth week was absolute torture.
And now it was week eight, and Jaune Arc had finally had enough.
Yawning, he cast a glance over at his bedside clock. Seeing that it was just past midnight, he then looked around at his teammates. It had taken him several weeks and lots of careful monitoring to determine when they were all deeply asleep, but he had finally done it.
Ren was pretty much the same asleep as he was awake – quiet, and often hard to tell apart from the drywall. Still, at this moment it was easy to tell by the gentle rise and fall of his chest that he was out like a light.
Nora, on the other hand, slept like how he imagined a gorilla would – constant snoring and thrashing around in her sleep, with occasional mumbles that almost sounded like she was using actual words, but not quite.
Also, she slept clutching a fork in one hand and a claw hammer in the other. This presented a problem, because Nora would often roll over in her sleep, loosening her grip on one of the two objects in her hands and leaving them to fall onto the floor. This would then wake up Ren, who would immediately march over, pick them up, and secure them tightly in Nora's grasp before going back to his own bed and falling asleep once more. It would have been cute if it weren't for the fact that it risked exposing Jaune's one-man sexual escapades.
And finally, there was Pyrrha. Honestly, Jaune liked Pyrrha – she was his partner, and a really good friend... but she was also the absolute worst when it came to sleep. She constantly tossed and turned in her sleep, she tended to babble whenever she was dreaming, and worst of all, she was a sleepwalker. Jaune had caught her doing everything from going to the bathroom to getting up and doing calisthenics or practicing with her semblance in her sleep… which was extra bad because it often resulted in Nora losing her grasp on her fork or hammer, which in turn woke up Ren.
Honestly, it was a wonder that he got any sleep at all given what went on in JNPR's dorm, especially because for some reason Pyrrha often climbed into his bed instead of her own whenever she started to sleepwalk. Sure, she always apologized profusely whenever she woke up and found that she was using him as the little spoon, but that didn't change the fact that she liked to hog the covers and that it was cold this time of year.
Oh, and the fact that it was incredibly awkward, but Jaune wasn't one to complain about a pretty girl holding him close, even if she didn't know she was doing it and even if they were just friends.
Yeah, definitely just friends. Ren and Nora did the same thing all the time and Nora insisted they were just friends, so clearly that was just something friends did together. Yup, there was certainly nothing weird about it, no sir.
What's that? Denial? What does a river in Vacuo have to do with anything?
Anyway, it was now past midnight and everyone was deeply asleep, which meant it was time to put his plan and his hand into motion. Slowly and softly, Jaune rose from his bed, being sure to tiptoe over to the bathroom. He made it halfway there when Pyrrha mumbled something in her sleep, which made him freeze. Thankfully, it seemed like she wasn't about to start sleepwalking just yet, so he resumed his slow march to the bathroom.
After an agonizingly slow twenty seconds, he was there. An involuntary sigh of relief escaped him. Finally, it was time for him to do what he had been denied for eight long weeks. The blonde turned toward the toilet, stripped off his onesie, and tried his best to remember how that smut he had stolen from Blake went.
He hadn't even gotten a stroke in when a noise from inside the shower caught his attention, making his heart jump into his throat and his spaghetti noodle go from al dente to overcooked. Briefly, he was afraid that the noise might have awoken his teammates, but the lack of any commotion from outside the bathroom meant he was still safe. He sighed, then turned back towards the toilet. Normally he would have investigated what caused that noise, but he had more pressing matters to attend to at the moment. Besides, it was probably just a shampoo bottle falling over or something.
Blake's porn had just popped back into his head when another sound emanated from the shower, one that he was sure wasn't actually a shampoo bottle falling over or something. In fact, it sounded more like a hiccup than anything.
Quickly, Jaune reached for his onesie, pulling it up with one hand so it just barely covered his lower body. Then, tentatively and with his heart pounding, he reached for the shower curtain and pulled it back.
Honestly, he wasn't sure what he had been expecting. Yang playing another of her stupid pranks, maybe? Some new type of Grimm that liked to hide in people's showers? He didn't know.
What he did know is that he would never, in a million years, have expected the noisemaker to be a strange woman.
Jaune blinked. So did she. Then, a wide, lecherous grin crossed her face.
"Heeeey, Tai," she slurred, swaying from side to side. "'m back. And I brought the milk like I said I would seventeen years ago."
She held up a bottle of milk in one hand. Jaune didn't care about that, though; he was far more concerned with the bottle in her other hand, which looked to have once been filled with bourbon and was now almost completely empty.
Geez, milk and bourbon? It was like his mom trying to breastfeed his younger twin sisters all over again.
Jaune adjusted his grip on his onesie to cover a bit more of his twig and berries, trying in vain the whole time to process what was happening. Clearly, this woman was drunk and thought he was someone else. That still didn't explain why she was here, or how she even got here in the first place. Frankly, Jaune didn't care about that so much as he cared about the fact that a strange older woman he had never met was now staring at him like a piece of meat. It was almost enough to make him call to his teammates for help. Almost, because then they would burst in and see him naked, and that would only make things worse – the last thing he wanted was to make his friendship with them awkward due to them having seen him naked.
He could just imagine Pyrrha's disgusted face when she caught a glimpse of his erection. It looked similar to the look on Saphron's face when she had walked in on him choking the chicken that one time back in middle school.
Now, Jaune wasn't saying that his older sister catching a glimpse of his junk had turned her gay, but he was willing to bet that it had definitely played a part somehow.
Returning to the situation at hand, Jaune swallowed nervously, then decided the only appropriate thing to do was get some answers.
"Um… who are you, and why are you in my shower watching me masturbate?" he asked.
The woman blinked again before giggling. "Tai, don't act like you don't rec… uh, recon… recognize me. It's me, Raven! And as for why I'm here..." She paused, then scanned over his whole body before licking her lips. "...It's been too long since I got some, so consider this a booty call. And I must say, you have aged amazingly."
If he hadn't been trying to cover himself, Jaune probably would have slapped himself to wake up. An older woman suddenly appearing in his shower and soliciting him for sex? Why, it was pretty much Blake's porn come to life.
The one exception was that this was far creepier in real life than in porn.
Like, really, this woman was not only old enough to be his mom, she was also drunk enough to be his mom after having spent the entire day wrangling eight kids.
Again, Jaune swallowed nervously. "Uh, I think you might have confused me for someone else."
"What? Don't be stupid, Tai. You've got the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the…" She squinted at him, then shrugged. "Well, you look like a young Tai. And anyway, my semblance brought me to you, so you have to be him."
"I mean, you are drunk."
"Are you implying that my semblance messed up because I was drunk and that instead of sending me to my ex-husband it sent me to some younger kid who just so happens to look like him? Please. I think I know how my own semblance works, and besides, that sounds like the sort of thing that would only happen in some bad story or something." She crossed her arms over her chest, letting out a small hiccup in the process. "Anyway, I'm drunk and horny, but most importantly, I'm here after seventeen years. You gonna drop 'em or what?"
Ignoring the fact that they were pretty much already dropped, Jaune had no intentions of actually sleeping with this woman. Sure, it was every teenage boy's dream come true, but it still felt wrong. It was wrong in the same way that jerking off to one of your teachers was wrong.
...Unless that teacher was Professor Goodwitch, because holy shit, she had it going on. A body like that should have been illegal to have at her age, and those leggings with that pencil skirt was downright unfair. Add in those glasses and the riding crop, and-
Focus, Jaune. You're trying not to nut right now.
Sighing, the woman – Raven, he remembered, and why did that name sound familiar? – uncrossed her arms, then leaned over and placed both bottles she was holding on top of the toilet before turning back to him.
"Apparently, I need to remind you what you're missing out on," she slurred.
Then, to Jaune's amazement, she reached up and began to undo her shirt. Before his very eyes, she freed herself from the confines of it, exposing her bare chest to the world.
Jaune had heard stories of the Promised Land before, but none of them compared to what he was seeing now. It was even better than one of his Mistralian animes.
"Like what you see?" the woman asked, smirking.
No, he didn't. Of course he didn't; that would be wrong. This woman was clearly drunk out of her mind. His parents would disapprove. His first time would be in a bathroom with his three best friends within earshot.
...But then again, he had been pent up for eight weeks with no release and now there was a hot older woman showing her breasts to him and soliciting him for sex.
Now, Jaune was many things – a teenage boy, a Huntsman-in-training, and a big brother among them… but above all else, he was horny as hell. If he had still been wearing his onesie, he would have been tenting like a madman – like, picture the CCT tower in his pants and you've got a pretty good idea.
Alright, that tore it. It was time to make a decision. Either he was going to smash, or… uh… trash? Fuck it; it worked well enough, and he was too busy staring at tits to care that it was mostly awful.
It didn't take long to choose.
Jaune shook himself out of his stupor, then turned his attention away from her tits and back to her face. Slowly, he nodded.
"Fuck it."
So they did.
As awkward as having Raven appear on him while he was beating his meat had been, the morning after had been even worse.
As usual, Pyrrha had been the first one up. She had risen from her bed still half-asleep and immediately stepped into the bathroom to take a shower and start getting ready for the day. Naturally, that meant she had gotten a face full of ass – Jaune's ass, that is, because him and Raven were wound together in the bathtub, both very asleep and very naked.
Her scream had, of course, awoken Ren and Nora, but not before the sound of what he believed to be a scroll camera activating awoke Jaune… though he was quick to write this off as a sleep-and-sex-induced hallucination, because Pyrrha was far too nice to take pictures of him for blackmail, and why else would she take pictures of his pasty white ass if not for blackmail?
All of the commotion had then awoken Raven. Being hungover, she was pissed off. And being pissed off, she promptly went on a rampage, one which ended with all of Team JNPR save for Jaune unconscious once more. That had left just her and him… though not for long, as she was quick to thank him for his services ("You were fine, even if you were obviously a virgin… though I appreciate you standing in for the man I really wanted at the time, since it kept me from doing something I would regret.") and then try to use her semblance to leave.
And then her semblance had failed, presumably because she was hungover or something. He wasn't sure on the specifics; the anime bullshit that was aura and semblances barely made sense to him on a good day, and the finer points were the last thing on his mind given that Raven had still been naked when she had tried to leave.
Sure, she had just finished laying the fucksmack on his best friends in the whole world, but her body was almost as rockin' as Goodwitch's. He was willing to look the other way so long as said way looked suspiciously like a pair of fat titties.
Anyway, Raven being unable to leave had, of course, left them at an impasse, though one that was quickly resolved when Raven had simply shrugged and asked him if he had anything to eat.
And that was how Team JNPR plus one had found themselves in Beacon's cafeteria, eating through a small mountain of food.
"Hey kid, you gonna eat that?"
Jaune shook his head and passed his waffle over to Raven, who proceeded to scarf it down in about three bites. He had no idea why she had even asked – Nora had sat down with a big plate of pancakes and Raven had promptly stolen them before she could take even a single bite, then dared her to do something about it. As much as she loved pancakes, Nora was not that dumb, and had instead resorted to sulking while Ren rubbed her back and glared daggers at their uninvited guest.
It was like watching a very large dog steal an entire steak from another, much smaller dog, though that didn't quite do it justice – Raven ate less like a rabid animal and more like a starving man walking into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Jaune could feel something sticky in his hair, and he was reasonably sure it was syrup. Like, ninety-five percent sure. At least, he hoped it was syrup.
Because the alternative was that it was jizz or something, which would have been concerning both because that's kind of gross, and because the less said about the contortionist shit he had to do in order to make sex in a bathtub work, the better.
That wasn't to say he regretted it, of course – the herniated disc or four and the semen in his hair were definitely worth the loss of his virginity. Ten-out-of-ten, would cum inside again.
Pyrrha cleared her throat. "So, Miss Raven-"
"Just Raven," she grunted. "Calling me Miss makes me feel old. Do it again and I'll cut you."
Never mind that she was old compared to everyone else there. Still, Pyrrha nodded, both because she didn't want to get cut and because she was so nice that she couldn't help but be civil even with somebody who was incredibly delusional.
Oh, and also violent, couldn't forget that.
Man, now that he thought about it, it actually felt really good to look at a tough-as-nails, no bullshit woman like Raven and say 'Yeah, I tapped that'. Sure, she had been drunk and moaning someone else's name the entire time and also wouldn't stop asking for a finger in her ass, but Jaune wasn't about to be choosey. He was going to take what he could get.
He was also going to wash his finger with soap until the water ran red just to be safe, but that was neither here nor there.
"Right… so, mind reminding us all how you got here again?"
She shrugged. "Semblance acted up. Sent me to the wrong person. Didn't realize until the morning after because I was drunk. Why do you care?"
"Oh, I was just trying to piece together what happened last night."
Another grunt. "Shoulda just asked. First, I got hammered for the first time in years. Then, I tried to use my semblance to make a booty call, but accidentally walked in on this one-" she gestured to Jaune with her fork, "-greasing the goblin in your bathroom."
Pyrrha choked on her mouthful of oatmeal while Jaune went red-faced. "I was using the bathroom!" he protested.
"While completely naked? Yeah, I bet. Kid, I went to Beacon too, and lived with two guys – if you're in the bathroom past eleven on a weeknight while everyone is trying to sleep, it's for one reason only."
The redhead blushed. "...Right, well-"
"Mom?!"
Raven immediately froze, her eyes widening. "Oh, shit…"
Everyone else turned to see none other than Yang Xiao Long standing in the doorway to the cafeteria, looking as if she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. Slowly, as if in a daze, she made her way over to where they were all sitting. Once she was there, she stopped, looking Raven up and down before settling on her face.
"It really is you..." she said in amazement. Slowly, her face contorted into an expression of sheer rage. "What, you thought you could just come marching back into my life after seventeen years?!"
"Actually, I didn't come back here to see you; I was just trying to get some," Raven said, before going for a sip of her coffee.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"It means I got drunk and decided to take a portal over to your father for the night, but the alcohol messed with my semblance and dumped me next to someone else instead."
"First off: gross. Second off: who?"
Raven motioned with her head over to Jaune, who suddenly did his best to look like he wasn't there.
How come even when things went right for him, they still went wrong? Did the universe hate him or something? Apparently, every win had to come with a loss as well.
One of these days, he was going to track down whatever cosmic entity was responsible for putting him into these messes and get his revenge.
Slowly, Yang turned back to her mom.
"You're joking." Raven shook her head, and Yang frowned. "Well, at least you didn't-"
"Oh no, we did," Raven said matter-of-factly.
"What?!" Immediately, Yang whipped around to glare at Jaune, her eyes flashing red. "Jaune, you banged my mom?!"
"I didn't know she was your mom!" Jaune said frantically. "I thought she was just some random woman who appeared in my bathroom while drunk!"
"And you still decided to have sex with her?!"
That actually sounded pretty bad when she said it out loud.
"She offered! It's not like I forced her or anything! If anything, she forced me!"
Somehow, his excuse only made it sound even worse.
Raven scoffed. "Please. All I had to do was show you the goods and you were like putty in my hands."
Yang looked like she was going to be sick. "Can you not talk like that?"
"Why not? Afraid of the idea of your mom getting laid by one of your friends?"
"More like getting laid in general."
"Well, it happens. I have needs, too. Luckily I ended up in the bathroom of some horny teenager instead of some idiot I had to fight off."
Jaune had to share Yang's opinion on this one: Thinking about a mom having sex was kind of gross, if only because it reminded him of the fact that his mom was also no doubt very sexually active.
Also, you're all now wondering just how much sex your parents actually have. Here's a hint: if you have a sibling that's approximately nine months younger or older than you, they not only have a fuckton of it, they also more than likely had it on either your birthday or your sibling's birthday.
Sweet dreams.
Raven turned to Jaune. "You're welcome, by the way. Without me, you'd have been stuck with your hand for the night."
Jaune flushed red. "I was using the bathroom, okay?!"
"Keep telling everyone that, kid. Maybe eventually they'll actually believe it."
He sure hoped they did. Fucking your friend's mom was one thing, but the last thing he wanted was for anyone to ask him what kind of porn he liked.
There are some secrets that men are destined to take to their graves, and the contents of their spank bank is one of them.
Ruby cleared her throat. "Um, what do you mean he would have been stuck with his hand?"
Everyone immediately froze. Yang's eyes flashed red, and she turned towards Raven, as if daring her mom to actually explain to her sweet, innocent younger sister just what she was trying to say. Slowly, Raven reached for her coffee mug, took a big sip, then set it down, smacking her lips slightly.
"...Well, if there was ever any doubt that you were Summer's daughter, I think it's gone now," she said.
Ruby beamed at that, apparently taking it as a compliment. Nobody had the heart to tell her that it wasn't.
Nobody except the heartless bitch that is Raven, that is.
"That wasn't a compliment, Mini-Summer. Your mom was as dense as they come. Tai probably had to give her The Talk before they could consummate their marriage on their wedding night."
"Hey!" Ruby protested.
"Okay, that's enough!" Yang shouted, slamming her hands on the table. "You show up, have drunken sex with one of my friends, insult my baby sister to her face, and you think you can just get away with it?"
"Yeah," Raven replied nonchalantly.
Okay, this whole conversation was quickly turning into an ongoing train wreck. It was like watching Blake trying to chase a laser pointer, only awkward and cringe-inducing rather than hilarious and DustTube revenue-inducing. Jaune exchanged a glance with his team, and each of them nodded, having thought the same thing. The four of them stood up and tried to walk away, only for Raven to reach over, grab Jaune by the shoulder, and force him back into his seat.
"And where do you think you're going?" Raven asked.
Jaune froze. "...Um, class?"
She scoffed. "Oh, I'm sure. You're not leaving until you've repaid me for the night we spent together."
"...You want me to pay you for sex?"
"Obviously. What, you thought a night with me would come for free?"
Yang smirked, then crossed her arms. "Asking someone to pay you for sex, Mom? Doesn't that make you a prostitute?"
"Doesn't that make you the daughter of a prostitute?" Raven asked, raising her eyebrow.
Yang's smirk faded as quickly as it came. Jaune did his best not to laugh. He probably should have felt bad, but he was just glad someone was giving Yang as much shit as she gave everyone else.
The Vomit Boy nickname hurt more than he let on, you know.
Raven turned back to Jaune. "Anyway, pay up."
"...Uh, I don't really have much of anyth-"
"Damn, that's a shame." She looked into her coffee mug, tutting when she saw it was empty. "Luckily for you, I take payment in the form of favors. So, from now on, you owe me three favors."
"T-three?!"
"One for every cumshot. You're lucky giving birth to Yang tore me up down there, otherwise we might have to worry about a kid."
"Mom!" Yang shouted, retching slightly.
Jaune was fairly sure that wasn't quite how vaginas worked, but he wasn't stupid enough to say anything.
"Yang, what's a cumshot?" Ruby asked.
"Not now, Rubes!"
Swallowing nervously, Jaune nodded. "O-okay, then. Three favors."
"Good. Next time I need something, I'll teleport over here and-" Raven paused. Suddenly, she clutched at her stomach with a groan. "...Just a minute."
As quick as possible, the older woman rose to her feet and hightailed it over to the nearest bathroom. Everyone watched her go in confusion.
"Huh," Pyrrha observed. "Guess all that breakfast food caught up to her."
Yang scoffed, crossing her arms. "Couldn't have happened to a better person, if you ask me." She turned her attention to Jaune. "And I've got a bone to pick with you, Vomit Boy. If you think you can sleep with my mom and get away with it, you've got another thing coming."
"I didn't know she was your mom!" Jaune protested.
"Doesn't change the fact that you still slept with her, and therefore I am obligated to kick your ass."
Ruby tugged on her sister's sleeve. "Didn't you tell me, Dad, and Uncle Qrow that you considered my mom to be more of a mom to you than your mom?"
"They're both my moms, okay?! I have more than one mom!"
"Your guys' family situation is really messed up," Weiss observed.
Jaune refrained from pointing out the inherent hypocrisy in Weiss saying something like that. It was like a White Fang member calling someone else a racist, not that he was naming names or anything. That definitely didn't apply to anyone in his group of friends, no sir.
Raven returned a minute later, wiping at the corners of her mouth. She settled down into her seat with a small groan, glaring at all her uneaten food before pushing it away.
"Eat yourself into a coma, Mom?" Yang prodded.
She was asking the wrong person that question. Jaune's tongue was still sore from the previous night.
"Fuck off," Raven growled.
Yang held up her hands. "I'm just saying, you could do with a little self-control."
"The tribe doesn't have food like this. Had to take advantage of the opportunity when it arrived."
And she most certainly had, having eaten her way through a solid third of Jaune's meal plan in a single sitting. Honestly, that alone probably could have covered the cost of their night together, not that Jaune was stupid enough to point that out.
Raven rose to her feet shakily, groaning as she did so. "Anyway, I've had it with you losers. I'm out."
"What, leaving so soon?" Yang asked. "Going to raid a village for some antacid tablets or something?"
"Fuck off, Yang. Vernal is a better daughter than you."
"That would be a lot more effective of an insult if I knew who Vernal was."
"She's you but better, because she knows her place and doesn't spend every birthday wishing for Mommy to come."
Huh, that sounded like all of Saphron's birthday parties once she turned eighteen and started having her female friends spend the night in her room, which was right next to Jaune's room...
Why did he suddenly feel like he needed to see a therapist and also vomit?
Yang's eyes widened. "How did you- you were spying on me for that long and never stopped in to see me?!"
Raven paused. "…I'm out," she said, quickly drawing her sword and cutting open a portal. "I'll be in touch, Jaune."
Yang let out a scream and lunged for her mom, only for Raven to disappear into the portal and close it before Yang could reach her, leaving the blonde leaping towards nothing. She ended up banging her head on a table before she picked herself up and dusted herself off.
"Whatever..." Yang muttered. "Didn't want her back, anyway..."
With that, the blonde skulked off, sulking the whole time. Ruby wasted no time in rushing after her sister, leaving just Weiss and Blake there with the team.
"...Right," Weiss said. "We should probably go make sure that Yang doesn't kill someone in her anger."
"Understandable," Pyrrha said. "Good luck."
With that, they left, leaving just Team JNPR and awkward silence. After a moment, Nora cleared her throat.
"So, Jauney, about those pancakes you owe me..."
Jaune groaned, then smacked his head against the table.
It was two months after the Bathroom Incident, as it had been called. Note the capital letters – there had been other bathroom incidents, such as the time when Nora tried to cook pancakes with a curling iron, but only one was known as the Bathroom Incident.
Anyway, Jaune was now in the shower. And no, he wasn't jerking off… anymore. He had finished a few minutes ago.
Hopefully nobody used a blacklight in the bathroom, because it was going to glow like a thousand suns in there. Shower wanks weren't his favorite, but a man had to do what a man had to do.
A shame that it had taken him so long to catch onto the fact that he could actually just jerk off in the shower, though. It made him feel like an idiot. Also kind of disgusting because he had to share the shower with two women, but at least he cleaned it up afterwards.
Anyway, it had taken a while, but he had stopped expecting Raven to pop in on him. And not because he expected her to want round two, either – he had fully expected her to come collect on those favors he owed her.
Of course, he still did, but he figured that she had just put them off until after he graduated from Beacon. That made the most sense; it wasn't like he could do much for her while he was still a student, especially when he was still a first-year.
With a sigh, he finished washing the soap from his body, then turned the water off. He reached for his towel, only to find that he had forgotten to sling it over the top of the shower. Exhaling softly, he cracked open the shower curtain a bit and groped blindly for the old towel that was drying on the rack next to him. Someone handed him a towel, and he muttered a small thanks before wrapping it around his head.
Then his brain caught up with the rest of him, and he peered out of the shower a tad to see what was going on. To his shock, it was none other than Raven, and she looked surprisingly bashful.
Also, very sick.
"We need to talk," she said.
Jaune blinked. "I assume you want to cash your favor?"
"In a roundabout way."
"...You couldn't have waited until I was out of the shower? I mean, it's kind of weird that you only ever seem to appear when I'm in the bathroom-"
"Jaune, I've seen you naked, and we've had sex before. Stop being a little bitch about it."
"Right..."
He dried himself, then wrapped the towel around his waist and stepped out of the shower, standing in front of her. "So, what did you want to talk about?"
"I'm pregnant," Raven said bluntly.
She said something after that, but Jaune didn't hear it, as he passed out after the first two words.
When he awoke, he found himself lying in his bed, fully dressed and surrounded by his team.
"Jaune?" Pyrrha asked, concerned.
"Ugh..." Jaune sat up, rubbing at his head, which hurt really bad for some reason. "I had the strangest dream. Raven was there, and she said she was pregnant."
"Oh, that happened," Nora interjected nonchalantly.
The blonde blinked. "I'm sorry, what?"
"Nora is correct," Ren added. "Raven appeared in the bathroom and told you she was pregnant. You passed out and hit your head on the toilet on your way down. She dressed you and brought you in here."
"Ah." He was almost afraid to ask the next part. "...And Raven is…?"
The sound of the toilet flushing caught his attention. He turned towards the bathroom and found Raven stumbling out, wiping at her mouth with a grimace.
"Damn morning sickness..." she grumbled.
On second thought, this wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. His life was officially a visual novel, and he had just unlocked the bad ending. Jaune groaned, burying his head in his hands.
"Oh, Gods… Mom is gonna kill me..."
Suddenly, the door flew open, and Team RWBY jumped in.
"Ha! I knew it!" Yang said, pointing an accusatory finger at Raven. "My daughter senses were tingling! I knew you were here!"
Raven shuddered. "Please, never talk about any part of you tingling ever again."
"Oh, shut up! Anyway, why are you here?"
The older woman shrugged. "Oh, nothing much. I just came here to tell Jaune that I'm pregnant, and he's definitely the father."
Yang balked. "...Seriously?"
Raven raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean, 'seriously'?"
"…I mean, how can you be sure?"
Red eyes narrowed. "Are you implying what I think you're implying?"
"That depends entirely on what you think I'm implying. 'Cuz, if you think I'm calling you a whore, then yes."
Raven huffed, crossing her arms and turning away. "Whatever. And yes, I'm absolutely sure it's Jaune."
"What? How can you be sure unless-" Yang trailed off. Slowly, a smirk crossed her face. "I get it now. The reason why you tried to teleport over to Dad, the reason why you settled for Jaune, the reason why you're so certain Jaune is the father..." Her grin widened. "...You're having trouble getting some, aren't you, Raven?"
Raven grumbled angrily, but didn't reply. Yang guffawed loudly.
"No way! That's hilarious!"
"Say another word and I will cut you," Raven threatened, putting a hand on her sword.
"Go ahead, it won't bring you out of your dry spell."
"Well, she is here to see Jaune," Weiss pointed out.
"Don't remind me..." Jaune said softly. Pyrrha gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder, like the good friend she was.
She also went a bit too low and accidentally touched his nipples, but he wrote that off as her hands slipping, because what else would it have been? He wasn't dumb enough to think she had a crush on him.
Raven rolled her eyes. "Alright, that's enough. Let's go, Jaune."
Jaune raised his head to look at her. "Go?"
"Yes, go. I'm here to take you with me to the tribe."
"What?!" Pyrrha shouted. "Why?!"
Everyone looked at her strangely, but Raven shrugged. "You can't honestly expect me to raise a kid by myself."
"Why not? You didn't seem to have a problem with making Dad do it," Yang pointed out.
"...That was different."
"Different how? From where I'm standing, it's-" Yang paused. "...No way. No fucking way, Mom."
"What?" Blake asked, taking a break from transcribing the events unfolding before her in her smut diary for later use to actually ask a question for once.
"I've figured it out," Yang said, her voice carrying an equal mixture of disgust and awe. "This isn't about the kid at all. Mom just wants a way to keep Jaune nearby, because she's ridiculously thirsty and can't get anyone else to sleep with her."
Everyone looked at Raven with pity… except Jaune, because as bad as it sounded, being a cock concubine to a dick-thirsty bandit leader was still better than his mom finding him at this exact moment.
Mama Arc was many things, but tolerant of Jaune when he did something stupid was not one of them. He was already having flashbacks to that time he tried to take the neighbor's cat for a walk, only for it to run away.
Huh. A cat heartlessly abandoning a blonde… why did that seem so familiar?
The bandit leader growled. "Alright, fine, you figured me out," she admitted. "There, I admit it. Happy now? Turns out that nobody wants to fuck a middle-aged bandit leader who abandoned her kid, so I've got to take what I can get."
She stepped forward and grabbed Jaune by the arm, pulling him to his feet. "Come on, Jaune. Let's go."
To everyone's shock, Jaune simply nodded and followed after her.
"Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted. "Don't tell me you're actually going along with this?!"
"Well, it's not like I have a choice," Jaune said. "I can't just leave her to raise my kid on her own."
Also, again, staying risked his mom finding him, and that was a special kind of hell he didn't want to wish on anybody.
His asscheeks were still sore from the spanking he got several years ago when he had made his younger sister Janet cry by lying and telling her she was adopted, and that they were eventually going to return her. He couldn't imagine the punishment Mama Arc would give him if she found out he impregnated an older woman.
"Why not? She'll just run off and stick you with it once it's born," Yang said.
Raven scoffed. "This time will be different."
"No it won't. Don't believe her lies, Jaune."
Jaune sighed. "Guys, I appreciate all of this, but this is something I've got to do. I'm not going to leave the woman I got pregnant, and I'm not going to abandon my child."
"You're stupid," Yang said.
"Well, at least Pyrrha is with me. Right, Pyrrha?"
"I couldn't be less with you, Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted. "This is the dumbest thing you've ever done!"
Jaune frowned. "...Ruby, then?"
Ruby blinked, then rubbed the back of her head sheepishly. "….Uh, why is everyone talking about babies? I don't see a stork anywhere..."
Everyone gave Yang a weird look. The brawler just huffed and crossed her arms. "Oh, like any of you would be any more willing to give her The Talk than my family was."
"Pathetic," Raven said, scowling.
"You didn't give Summer The Talk," Yang pointed out.
"...Okay, point taken."
"...Alright, then," Jaune said. "Anyway, I'll be seeing you all later."
"Bye, fearless leader!" Nora called out. "Remember to use a rubber next time!"
Jaune had just enough time to hear Ruby ask what rubber gloves had to do with anything before he stepped into the portal, ready to start his new life.
And what a life it was.
"Jaune, we're out of diapers again."
Jaune groaned, bringing a hand up to his face. "I told you to grab some during the last raid."
"There's just one problem with that," Raven began.
Jaune leaned in expectantly, desperately wanting an answer as to why his baby momma had refrained from picking up something so crucial.
"...I forgot," she finally finished.
Jaune groaned tiredly. Whipping around, he locked eyes with Vernal. "Give me your shirt."
"Fuck you," Vernal replied. "Just because Raven is the leader and she let you nut inside her doesn't mean I have to listen to you."
"Would you rather listen to Robin cry for however long it takes Shay D. Mann to get some diapers?"
Robin, of course, was their kid. She was cute as a button – she had Jaune's blonde hair but Raven's red eyes. Jaune honestly loved her, even if she could be kind of a pain in the ass and was also the reason why he was now living in a bandit camp instead of at Beacon.
But at least Raven was personally training him.
Not for a good reason, mind – she just wanted to keep her sole source of penis in the world alive, which was going to be hard to do if he couldn't even stand up to basic Grimm.
Vernal, meanwhile, frowned. "Read my lips: you're not getting my fucking shirt."
"Please," Jaune said, taking a step forward and placing a hand on his sword, "do not cuss in front of the baby."
Vernal sneered at him. "What, you gonna try to attack me? That's a fight you know you can't win."
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "You really want to be the one to risk injuring Raven's man?"
Immediately, Vernal's expression fell. Wordlessly, she looked over to her leader, who just shrugged.
"He's got a point," Raven said, though her attention was split between listening to them bicker and doing something on her scroll.
"Wha… but I… Y-you can't do this!" Vernal said, turning back to Jaune. "I'm the Spring Maiden!"
"Yeah, I don't know what that is," Jaune replied. "Explain why I should care."
"You shouldn't," Raven grunted. "She's trying to pull rank on you when she isn't even the person who holds that rank in the first place."
Vernal looked downright shocked. "Raven!"
"What? Don't look at me, you're the one who tried to lie. If you were my daughter, I'd bend you over my knee for that."
"B-but..." Vernal sniffled. "...I… I thought I was… y-you were my mother figure..."
Raven waved a hand dismissively. "Whatever you say, Mommy Issues."
"You trained me yourself! I'm your second-in-command!"
"Third-in-command now," Jaune interrupted. "And I still need your shirt, please."
Vernal wiped at her eyes. "F-fu-"
"Please don't cuss."
"...Frick you, Jaune! You're not my real dad!"
"And Raven's not your real mom. Now, your shirt?"
Reluctantly, Vernal peeled off her shirt before handing it to Jaune, who nodded appreciatively before tying it into a diaper and placing it on his daughter. Vernal watched the whole thing with a mortified expression, one which went ignored by Jaune.
She was a complete kiss-ass, and he had no sympathy for kiss-asses, especially when they were trying to kiss Raven's ass, both because they should have known better and because he was the only one who got to do that.
Hey, he may have been stuck in this situation, but he was going to take advantage of the free poon while he could… which probably wasn't that long, given Raven's age.
One of the downsides of banging a MILF, he supposed.
His work now done, Jaune picked up his daughter and carried her over to the makeshift crib in the tent, gently laying her down before pulling the blanket up to cover her. Humming a lullaby, he gently rocked her to sleep before turning to Raven, a scowl on his face.
"You could help, you know."
"But you do such a good job of it," Raven replied, not taking her eyes off her scroll. "Why would I get in the way of that?"
Jaune rolled his eyes. "What's on your scroll, anyway?"
"Mind your own business, that's what."
Well, if she was going to be like that…
"Fine, then I guess I just won't sleep with you tonight."
Raven chuckled. "Oh, please. Like you have a choice in it."
"...You know, even in a backwoods hick country like Mistral, I still have a strong case for sexual assault going here."
"You realize I can just kill the judge, right?"
Well, she had him by the balls there… which meant she was also going to have him by the balls later, in a much more literal sense. Sighing, Jaune slumped down into a nearby chair.
This was his life now, unfortunately.
"Jaune, wake up."
"Wha-" the blonde said, cracking both eyes open. "Vernal…? What's going on?"
"It's Raven," Vernal replied, urgency in her voice. "She left."
Jaune blinked. "Left?"
"Yeah, left. She said she was going out to buy milk and cigarettes, but that was hours ago."
Well, shit. Obviously she was lying; Raven was a bandit leader and didn't know the meaning of the word 'buy'.
Oh, and it shouldn't have taken her that long.
Jaune blinked. "Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I figured you'd know where she went, idiot!"
"Why would I-"
Vernal facepalmed. "Just check your scroll."
Sighing, Jaune did as he was told, reaching for his nearby scroll. Opening it, he found a few unread messages.
Mom: It's been almost a year, where the fuck are you? You're grounded when you get home, mister!
Delete; he wasn't about to open that can of worms.
Yang: i'm still gunna kick ur ass
Delete; he was far away from her with no intention of going back, and he already dealt with enough mommy issues from Vernal.
Blake: Jaune, I'm writing a book, and I need you to go into detail about your sex life so-
Delete; his sex life would stay between him, Raven, and the camp, since the tent had no soundproofing at all.
Pyrrha: Does this string bikini make me look fat?
Delete. She was obviously fishing for a compliment because she looked amazing in that bikini and she clearly knew it, and Jaune got enough narcissism dealing with the mother of his kid every day.
Weiss: I demand more baby pictures of a cute nature and in a timely manner.
Delete; he had sent her three-dozen the day before. She had a problem, and the last thing he should be doing was indulging her.
Ruby: Please come back :( I miss u
Delete; he'd like to come back, but until he established what was going on, he was currently being held hostage by a cock-crazy MILF, so that was a bit out of the question.
Ren: Just a question, but do you know anything about Kuroyuri?
Delete; Jaune wasn't about to talk bad about Ren, but the man had some weird hobbies. He wasn't sure what the 'kuro' part meant, but that porn stash under Ren's mattress told him everything he needed to know about the 'yuri' bit, and he wanted no part of it.
Nora: You missed a really epic food fight.
Delete; the mere act of reading that message saddened him enough to shorten his lifespan by a few years.
Finally, he came to the last unread message, which happened to be from Raven.
Raven: I found another source of dick thanks to this dating app I've been using, so I'm leaving you with the kid.
Frowning, Jaune typed out a message.
Jaune: Who is it?
Raven: That's what you care about? Really?
Jaune: Just tell me.
Raven: Some farm boy in Mistral. Does it matter?
Jaune: Just making sure he actually exists.
Raven: Fuck you.
Jaune: Not anymore, apparently. So, what now?
Raven: I don't care. You're in charge, or whatever. Have a nice life.
With that, the messages stopped. Jaune stared at his scroll for a few seconds in silence, trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Slowly, a grin began to grow across his face.
"Well, looks like I'm in charge," he announced loudly.
Vernal's jaw dropped. "W-what?! B-but Raven said I would get to be-"
"Cheer up, Vernal – you can be the lead babysitter. Isn't that nice of me?"
"Jaune, please listen-"
He didn't. Instead, he pushed past her, stepping out into the camp. Cupping his hands around his mouth, he spoke.
"Alright you lot, listen up! Raven's left for good, so I'm in charge, and that means there's gonna be some changes around here!" he shouted. "From now on, you are all my personal lackeys, so I have this to say."
Everyone looked at him. He cleared his throat, then pointed to the blacksmith.
"Fuck you."
He pointed to the chef.
"Fuck you."
He pointed to one of the guards.
"Fuck you."
He pointed to Shay D. Mann.
"You're cool."
Shay D. Mann gave him a thumbs up. He pointed to Vernal.
"And fuck you, I'm out!"
With that, he mimed dropping a mic. Turning around, he stepped back into his tent and picked up Robin, then turned to walk out, only to be stopped by Vernal, who stood in front of him with her arms folded.
"So, you're just leaving?" she asked.
"Uh, yeah? Why would I stay?"
"So, who's leader, then?"
"Well, I am."
"…But you're leaving."
"Hey, Raven named me leader, so I've decided that I'm going to rule all of you by absentee. If you have a problem, take it up with her."
"How about no? I'll just take over-"
"Actually, no, you're coming with me." At her stunned expression, he added, "Lead babysitter, remember?"
"Well, why don't I just kill you?" Vernal questioned, pointing her weapon at him.
"And what if this Mistralian farmboy thing doesn't work out? Raven could be getting catfished for all we know. She'll need a backup dick if that's the case, and you know there's only one option there."
"...Gods dammit," Vernal sighed. Slowly, she lowered her weapon. "Alright, fine, I guess I'm going with you."
"Awesome." Jaune paused, sniffing the air, his nose crinkling in disgust. "...Before we set off back towards Beacon so I can re-enroll, we're out of diapers, so I'm gonna need your shirt again."
Vernal's scream of rage echoed through the wilderness for miles.
Where are they now?
['Don't You Forget About Me' starts playing in the background as still images of each character appear.]
Jaune Arc: Re-enrolled in Beacon Academy after a year-long absence. Was initially turned away due to said absence before Professor Goodwitch intervened on his behalf, declaring that if she didn't get to see his baby on a daily basis that she would throw Ozpin out of his office window. Eventually became a strong Huntsman and a great dad, though he was forced to dodge his mom for years. Continues to hope that child support will eventually come in the mail, even though it never will.
Raven Branwen: Was arrested for statutory rape. Insisted that it was consensual; nobody bought it, as the lawyer for the state managed to successfully convince the jury that nobody would willingly sleep with her. Has since been released from prison and forced to register as a sex offender. Went on to disappear somewhere in Atlas; authorities believe she may have moved on to Whitley Schnee, but these rumors are currently unsubstantiated.
Yang Xiao Long: Died in a motorcycle accident during her second year in Beacon. Went to her grave proclaiming that she was right and that her mom was a bitch and also a thot.
Pyrrha Nikos: Stayed an incredibly thirsty old maid until she died alone at the age of seventy-four. Was found in bed cuddling a faded and heavily stained body pillow of her old partner. The body pillow was removed by a HAZMAT team and disposed of in an incinerator.
Ruby Rose: Finally got The Talk when she turned thirty.
Lie Ren: Eventually married his true love, Velvet Scarlatina. Nobody realized they were a thing until the wedding.
Nora Valkyrie: Eventually married her true love, Beacon's resident pancake chef. Nobody was surprised.
Taiyang Xiao Long: Still planting some seeds… in his garden, that is.
Zwei: STILL.
TOO.
DANK.
Everyone else: Who gives a shit?
['Don't You Forget About Me' increases in volume as credits rapidly scroll across the screen.]
Host: Obsequium Minaris
Executive Producer: Glynda Goodwitch
Director: Mercury Black
Assistant Director: Emerald Sustrai
Dialogue Coach: Neo Politan
Camera Operator: Salem Ozpin
Grip: Scarlet David
Focus: Cinder Fall
Costume: Coco Adel
Colorist: Summer Rose
Makeup: Roman Torchwick
Hairdresser: Shopkeep A. Bald
Safety Adviser: Neptune Vasilias
Sound Effects Engineer: Flynt Coal
Foley: Ozpin Ozpin
Camera Operator: Velvet Scarlatina
Gaffer: Cardin Winchester
Best Boy: Qrow Branwen
Worst Boy: Adam Taurus
Pizza Boy: Sun Wukong
Lonely MILF Housewife: Kali Belladonna
Lead Fluffer: Winter Schnee
Backup Fluffer: Obsequium Minaris
Cast
Jaune Arc: As himself
Raven Branwen: As herself
Robin Arc: As herself
Vernal: As herself
Roman Torchwick: As himself
Pyrrha Nikos: As herself
Lie Ren: As himself
Nora Valkyrie: As herself
Ruby Rose: As herself
Yang Xiao Long: As herself
Whitley Schnee: As Weiss Schnee
Blake Belladonna: As herself
…
'Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls' will return in, 'Chapter 5: Sienna, or: Snake Eye of the Tiger'.
There it is, the dumbest ending I've ever written. I promise I won't write anything this stupid ever again.
Also, holy fuck this thing got way out of hand. I didn't intend for it to be this long, but here we are, I suppose. This is almost as long as a standard-length chapter for The Seventh Circle (my other fic), let that sink in.
Anyway, besides all that, someone wanted to know if I was going to do a chapter on the Malachite Twins, and if so, if I was going to do them together or separately. Normally I would reply to this via PM, but they're a guest and I can't do that, so I'll just reply to it here: Yes, I will eventually do a chapter on the Malachites when inspiration for them strikes, which could be the next chapter or could be ten chapters from now depending on how my muse feels. And as for the second part of that question… well, the working title for that chapter is something along the lines of 'Sharing Is Not Caring', so you can probably use your imagination.
Also, please don't take this response as an invitation to make requests. I love and appreciate the hell out of you guys, but I will do characters when inspiration strikes, and not a second sooner. Requesting characters will not change that, and I'd appreciate it if you refrained from doing so. Requests for me to do a certain character will be met with refusal and "It's done when it's done".
Anyway, I suppose now would be a good time to ask a few questions of you guys. For one, would you all be interested in possible Part 2s for certain characters? Like, if I felt a character would be worth revisiting/continuing the plotline of their first entry, would you be open to it? Obviously, this wouldn't happen until much later on, but is this something you would like to see?
For another, would you be interested in Rule 63/genderswap versions of male characters? I wouldn't do it for every male character, but there are a few that I think have potential. Again, I wouldn't do this until much later, but if it's something you'd like to see, I'd be willing to give it a shot.
Anyway, just let me know how you feel about those.
Until then, I've got nothing else.
Next update: Saturday, January 25.