Chapter 63.

Anael was silent when she saw the rhinos. She seemed to be deep in thought and less joyful than she had been watching the other animals. Dean was torn between wanting to ask what she was thinking and giving her some space. It was often the same with Cas, trying to work out whether talking or silence would help him most.

A memory came to him, as vivid as it was unexpected, of being at a zoo with his parents, his mother heavily pregnant with Sam, his father carefree, as he had never been after her death. His mother had pointed to a rhino and said, "Look, Dean! Isn't the rhino big and strong?"

How had he forgotten the zoo? It was one of the precious and very few happy memories of his childhood, but it had been pushed aside by less pleasant memories of musty motel rooms, his father passed out on the couch and Sammy asking him for reassurance that he wished someone could give him.

She had worn a pale blue dress, that day and she had constantly talked to him, telling him what animals she liked best, asking him what he thought of them. Both his parents had laughed so much that day and he had enjoyed it, but he had somehow neglected to focus on remembering it, on holding that happy memory more tightly. He had not known it would be such a rare thing. He had not understood that it revealed a side of his mom and dad that he would barely get a chance to see.

Anael suddenly turned to look at him. "What is it?" she said.

"My mom liked rhinos." he said. It sounded lame to him. To any human, it might give away all his feelings.

To her it did not. She nodded. "I do too." she said.

He knew he was not the only one feeling deeper feelings, thinking more complicated thoughts, but maybe it was best not to open either can of worms. Wasn't it always safer to keep things superficial? The deep stuff hurt.

Then she threw her can of worms open onto the ground. "Why do humans care so little?" she said, "Evolution made them amazing, but humans just let them almost die out."

"Humans are jerks." he said. What excuse could he offer. Human greed, cruelty and indifference had ended so many species, most of them, he suspected, more worth saving than his own.

"It's sad." she said, "Do you think Jack will save the endangered species?"

"I don't know. He's fairly non-interventionist. He doesn't like to interfere with our free will. Maybe we could bring him to the zoo nd talk him into it."

She smiled.

"What?" he said.

"The way you talk about the ruler of Heaven, like he's a little boy."

"He is a little boy. I mean, fine, he's also the supreme being and everything, but his heart is the heart of a pure, loving child. He's a lot like his father."

"Lucifer?" she said, seeming shocked.

"No, Cas! There is no-one less like Lucifer than Jack."

"In a way, you're all his fathers." she said.

"Yeah, in a way, but mostly Sam and Cas and that's good." A flicker of sympathy in her eyes made him feel understood on far too many levels and normally that would have scared him into silence, but it didn't. Instead, he found himself saying, "I forgot that I once went to a zoo with Mom and Dad. How do you forget something like that?"

"You must have been very young." she said.

"Yeah, three or four."

"You probably don't remember much from that age."

"I remember the fire." he said.

She took his arm. Normally, he would have pulled away and pretended he didn't need her support, instead, he leaned into the contact. "I can't forget it." he said.

"I remember everything, good or bad." she said.

"I know." he said.

"But you remember the zoo now." she said, "That has to be a comfort."

"I wish I could remember more of the good days." he said.

"At least you have good times to remember." she said, "You remember being loved by your parents." She sounded sad.

"I guess God wasn't much of a hugger."

"Understatement. I never even saw him in Heaven. It's pretty clear to me now that we were never worth a thing to him."

"I'm sorry. You deserved better."

She rested her head on his shoulder. "I have better, now." she said.

He was aware that there were people walking past, looking at them and he didn't care. Let them look! Against all odds, she loved him and he no longer doubted that she knew her own feelings. She was not playing at being in love. She cared about him.

Which was good, because his feelings for her ran deep. He had never so much enjoyed not having sex with someone. Night or day, being around her felt good and knowing that she chose to hang out with him, even better.

"I hope you know now how it feels to be loved." he said quietly.

She nestled against him. "I do," she said, "And it feels good, especially at times like this."

"Like this how?" he said.

"When you let me see the man behind the myth, when you let me try to offer comfort. Don't get me wrong, I love hero Dean, Saviour of the World, but real Dean is so much sweeter and stronger and being able to support him, being trusted to see who he really is, that's so much better."

"I try to be honest with you and the others. I do try. I'm just not good at it."

"Your instinct is always to protect us, so you hide your insecurities and stay strong for us."

"You put a better spin on it than I can."

"Because you're always looking for the bad in yourself. I know there isn't any."

"There's bad in everyone." he said.

"You're so afraid I'll think you're better than you are."

"Yes and then be disappointed." he admitted. Then, because he knew she wouldn't judge him too harshly, he said, "The fire shouldn't still get to me the way it does. Mom came back. She was living with us in the bunker and I swear I was more haunted by her death than she was. I heard her scream. I'll always hear that scream. Makes it kind of hard to remember the laughter."

She kissed him, brushing her lips lightly against his. It was unexpected, but very welcome. She didn't speak. She waited for him to say more.

"When she first came back," he said, "I wouldn't let myself believe it was real. Then she needed time away and it felt like it wasn't and I didn't even want the real Mary Winchester. I wanted the one in my head, the one who never said a wrong thing. We pushed each other away, because she wasn't the only one who had a Heavenly holodeck in her head."

"Only at first." she said and he knew that she had heard the subtext loud and clear. She knew what he needed her to say.

"I love you." he whispered and he didn't worry that it was unwise to say that, unwise to feel it. If he had known how little time he was to have with his mother, either time, would he have held back from loving her? Well, he had, a little, the second time, but by the time of her second death, they had been closer than ever and even if he had known it would end as it did, he would have clung to every second with her, as he wanted to cling to every second he could have with Anael.

"I love you forever." she said.

"I really shouldn't lay all this stuff on you." he told her, "It's all long in the past."

"So is your day at the zoo with John and Mary, but it matters, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, it does." he said.

"And you telling me this stuff, that matters too. So, you tell me anything, anytime. I want to be a part of your life, the good, the bad and the scary. I never had anything like this before and you have no idea how good it feels now. I can handle anything, if it lets me be close to you."

"I have a lot of abandonment issues, daddy issues, guilt, shame and irrational bursts of anger."

She nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Just as you are, with all the baggage, I love you and I'm proud to be with you."

He looked into her eyes and believed her and he hugged her tightly. Voices that sounded far too much like Lisa and Ben and Cassie told him it was impossible, but a louder, clearer voice that he recognised as his own was countering with "What if?"