Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls

Chapter 5: Sienna, or: Snake Eye of the Tiger

Jaune Arc had many regrets in his life. There was that time he had let Saphron pick out some clothes for him when he was six, and she had ended up getting him a dress (she still liked to show people the pictures). There was that time Yang had dared him to sneak a sip from Ozpin's coffee mug (he woke up on top of the CCT the next morning). There was also that time Ruby had asked him to take Zwei out for a walk, and the corgi had immediately tried to chase after a squirrel, bringing him along for the ride until they reached the Emerald Forest (Zwei, of course, emerged unscathed; Jaune, meanwhile, was bitten in the ass by an Ursa and required many, many stitches).

But among all of them, the one that stood out the most was that time he had decided to celebrate acing a big test in Oobleck's class by going out for drinks with Yang. He had no idea why he thought this was a good idea – any situation he got into with Yang tended to end horribly for him – but he had done it. And for the first couple of drinks, things had been okay; he had probably had a bit too much to drink, but it wasn't anything he couldn't sleep off.

Then she had challenged him to a drinking contest, and unfortunately for him, Arcs never backed down from a challenge.

That wasn't the correct family motto, but he was already pretty toasted by that point and it sounded close enough, so he decided to just roll with it.

He immediately regretted all his drinking when he woke up in the morning only to find himself naked, with a mysterious and equally-naked woman draped over him, drooling on his chest.

Jaune blinked, just in time to feel his hangover hit him. The events of the previous night came rushing back… at least, those he could remember, which is to say they started with him and Yang arriving at Junior's, and ended with him downing his sixth shot of cinnamon whiskey.

That stuff was straight nasty, by the way. It also burned all the way down. Never again.

The woman mumbled in her sleep and nuzzled into his chest, and Jaune froze as the gravity of this situation hit him. He was hungover, recovering from getting blackout drunk the night before. He was naked, with his clothes draped all over the room. There were miscellaneous fluids covering his entire lower body, and they were all quite sticky. Finally, there was a strange woman draped over him, apparently having spent the night with him if their mutual nudity was any indicator.

Mom's gonna kill me.

At least he wouldn't die a virgin. Unfortunately, he couldn't actually remember anything that had happened, but judging by the state the room was in, it must have been good.

I hope I didn't sign into this place with my real name or credit card, because there's no way I can afford to pay for this kind of damage.

Pushing that slightly disturbing thought from his mind, he turned his attention to the woman lying over his chest. She was… actually pretty hot. Huh. Well, that was certainly a good confidence boost; either he was more attractive or more suave than he thought, because this woman was easily out of his league.

Or she had been just as drunk as he had been, but that wasn't as nice to think about, so he ignored it.

Anyway, she was really hot. Definitely much older than him – probably close to Professor Goodwitch's age, if he had to guess – but admittedly, he wasn't one to consider that a negative, though he refrained from letting anybody else know about it because they would never, ever let him live it down.

They had already figured out his fetish for Faunus women, and that was bad enough. Blake was still giving him the stink eye whenever she saw him.

In his defense, they were the ones who had stolen his scroll and looked through his browser history. He was a seventeen-year-old teenage boy, what the fuck did they think they were going to find in there? Frankly, they were just lucky he wasn't in a relationship with anyone, otherwise they might have gotten his dick pics instead of just his browser history.

Speaking of, why did people even take dick pics? Did they really think the girl they were sending them to was going to masturbate to them instead of just use them for blackmail? Fucking stupid.

Anyway, speaking of Faunus women, this woman was one. By the looks of things, she was a tiger Faunus – she had the ears and the stripes to prove it. Weird, since he thought Faunus only had one trait, but he wasn't going to complain since she was totally rocking that look, holy hot damn he was a lucky, lucky man.

He was going to have to figure out what he did to get her into his bed, because this was absolutely too perfect. Whatever it was, it must have been good.

She began to stir, letting out a little murmur. After a few seconds, she sat up, yawning cutely before cracking open her eyes. Seeing him, she froze. Then, to his relief, she smiled, wrapped her arms around his neck, and pulled him in, nuzzling his cheek with her own.

"'Morning~" she said.

Okay, was he really awake, or was he still dreaming? Did he die and make it to the afterlife? Was this a glitch in the system, and he was about to wake up in Zion? This was almost too good to be true.

"'Morning, yourself," he replied. "So, uh… what happened last night?"

She looked at him in surprise. "You don't remember?"

"Ah, no. I was… a little drunk."

He winced. Hopefully, that wasn't a deal-breaker; this woman was basically his dream girl just in appearance alone, and it would suck to not only be incapable of remembering the night they had spent together, but to also never get to experience another with her.

To his relief, she giggled. "Yeah, I could tell." She stretched out a bit before lying down against him, idly tracing circles over his chest with one finger. "Anyway, you stumbled into my safe house by mistake."

Jaune instantly paused. Safe house? That was a bit of a weird thing to say.

"Ah, your safe house?"

"Yes, my safe house. My guards were ready to shoot you on sight."

Guards, too? This was just getting weirder. "Uh-huh. And, ah, how did I manage to avoid that?"

She smirked, then leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "Oh, you were amazing! When you saw we were all Faunus, you proceeded to inform us that you were also a Faunus!"
And there's the catch. "I did?"

She nodded. "Yeah. You said we couldn't see your trait – apparently, it was in a weird spot." Her smirk turned lecherous. "Though I think it's safe to say with how big you are that you've got at least a little rhinoceros or elephant in you."

He would be a lot more willing to take the compliment if doing so wouldn't dig him an even deeper hole than he was already in. Instead, he nodded, numb. "And then…?"

"Then, you proceeded to launch into an impassioned speech about Faunus rights. It was… it was breathtaking. I've never heard anything so beautiful in my life." She sighed fondly.

"I knew then and there that I had to have you by my side. I offered you a spot, and you accepted. Then, I invited you back to my room to finalize our agreement. And now, here we are."

"Your group…?"

She grinned widely. "Don't act like you don't know. I'm the leader of the White Fang, Sienna Khan. And you are now my second-in-command."

It took a moment for the full weight of her statement to register. When it did, Jaune had only three words to say.

"Oh, fuck me."

Sienna took it as an invitation. Jaune didn't stop her.

If he was going to die because he lied to Remnant's worst group of terrorists, he was at least going to do it with empty balls.

Sometimes, Jaune had to wonder how he got himself into these messes. The initial part was understandable enough – he made the mistake of getting plastered and had paid the price for it (though at least he had gotten laid). Everything past that was still a mystery. Like, say, his current situation.

That being, sitting in on a White Fang meeting alongside Sienna.

Jaune blinked, looking out over the assembled crowd. They all glared back at him. Slowly, he leaned over to whisper in Sienna's ear.

"Why am I here?"

"Because you're my second-in-command," she replied.

Oh yeah, right. Unfortunately. "...I don't think they like me very much."

"They just don't know anything about you. Give it time; they'll come around."

"...I don't think that's the reason, Sienna."

She gave him a sideways glance. "Jaune, are you seriously trying to pull that whole 'I'm a human' prank again, now of all times?"

That was also a thing. At some point, he had come clean to Sienna, telling her that he was actually a human. It had been done for a few reasons – first to clear his conscience, since as hot as Sienna was he didn't want to be in a relationship if it was based on such a big lie, and second because he was honestly afraid if he dug himself too deep that it would end up with him being murdered or something. So, he had nutted up, set up a meeting with Sienna, and confessed everything to her.

And she hadn't believed him.

That hadn't been the expected result, so Jaune tried again later. This time, he brought along a picture of his family, along with a copy of his family tree, in order to help prove to her that he was actually a human, just so this whole charade could end.

Again, she had refused to believe him.

By that point, Jaune had gotten fed up with it and decided to stop messing around. He went out and got a DNA test, therefore conclusively proving beyond any reasonable doubt that he was a hundred percent human, that there wasn't a single drop of Faunus blood in him, and that Sienna should stop sending him nude pictures of herself already because it was never going to work between them.

She had replied by telling him that his joke, while funny the first two times, had gotten stale, and that he needed better material.

And now he was here. When she had invited him over to her safe house, he had done so intending to break up with her… not that it was much of a break-up; past their first night of drunken debauchery together, there hadn't been any hints of a relationship beyond her sending him naked pictures of herself. Imagine his surprise when a whole bunch of dangerous-looking Faunus started to show up.

It had taken just a few minutes before the house had gone from 'safe' to a proverbial (and, though he would never say so aloud, somewhat literal) kennel filled with rabid dogs, and Jaune didn't need to guess about whether or not he was stuck in it and wearing bacon pants; the looks he was being given answered that question for him easily enough.

Sienna clapped her hands together. "Right, everyone is here. Now we can get started. First order of business: our recent raids on the SDC. Does anyone have anything to report?"

Jaune had honestly forgotten that Sienna was the one ordering terrorist activities to be done. It was hard to imagine her demanding violence be committed when his scroll had several dozen pictures of her flashing her cooch to him.

A big guy in the back raised his hand, and Sienna motioned towards him. He stood up, and in a loud, booming voice, asked, "What's with the human?"

Sienna scowled. "I don't know what you're talking about, Banesaw."

Banesaw? Okay, he got that the White Fang was a terrorist group, but that was just cartoonishly evil. What next, Death Guy? Mister Kill? How about Captain Murder?

Banesaw returned her scowl, motioning to Jaune. "That human, right there. What's he doing here?"

"That 'human' is Jaune Arc," Sienna replied. "And you would do well to remember his name, as he is my new second-in-command."

"What?!" came a voice from the back of the crowd. Squinting, Jaune could make out a mop of red hair, adorned with twin horns.

"You heard me, Adam. Jaune is now second-in-command. Consider it your demotion for letting Ghira's daughter run away instead of bringing her home."

"That's impossible! He's a human; he can't be in the White Fang!"

"I assure you, he's no human."

Jaune was tempted to correct her almost every time she insisted on that point. This was the one exception, because he very much liked being alive.

Just this once, he prayed to whatever gods existed that Sienna continued to play dumb.

"Oh, yeah? Then what's his Faunus trait?"

"He'd show you, but it wouldn't end well."

"And why is that? It sounds to me like you're just trying to cover for him. If this is your idea of a prank-"

"It's not. His trait is just in a spot that cannot be shown. You see, if I were to reveal it to you, it would end badly – all the women here would swoon, and all the men would feel really self-conscious."

"That's ridiculous," Adam growled, placing a hand on his sword. To Jaune's horror, a few others, Banesaw included, did the same. "If you can't even show us his trait, then we'll just have to assume that he's a human, and you're a race traitor."

Sienna pinched the bridge of her nose, exhaling sharply. "You know what? Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Then, before Jaune could stop her, she reached over and pulled his pants down to his ankles.

The crowd's reaction was instant. Everyone's eyes widened in shock. A fierce blush crept across the faces of most of the women (and, Jaune noted with a bit of discomfort, a few of the men), and they began to fidget in place while sighing softly. The majority of the men, meanwhile, looked away, grumbling under their breath. The one exception was Adam, who was staring in disbelief.

An evil thought crept into Jaune's head. It was needlessly cruel, but Adam had just tried to have him and Sienna killed. If Jaune could take him down a peg, he would.

"What? Doesn't yours get smaller when it's cold, too?" Jaune asked to Adam.

Immediately, the bull Faunus bared his teeth in anger, though he did drop his hand from the hilt of his sword. "Fine," he acquiesced.

He said something else, something that sounded suspiciously like 'Three inches isn't that small', but Jaune was too far away to make it out with complete certainty.

That didn't stop him from feeling smug about it, though. Something about Adam just rubbed him the wrong way, and not just because the bull Faunus had just tried to have him and Sienna killed. Maybe it was the edgy outfit or the stupid mask he was wearing, but Adam just seemed like a complete psycho. He was honestly about two steps away from being a crazy terrorist to being a crazy ex-boyfriend to some poor girl, whom he had traumatized so much that he had essentially turned her gay, only she didn't realize it yet so there was going to be some stupid-ass forced love triangle with another guy that nobody cared about for a while until it just sort of ended. And then Adam's ex and her new girlfriend would get together and double-penetrate him with their broken swords of thinly-veiled homosexuality before pitching him over a cliff like the garbage he was, and nobody would care that he died because does anyone even like Adam, even as a bad guy? Seriously, the girl from Haven was more compelling than him, and he still wasn't sure what her deal was other than she loved to light things on fire and the way she spoke sounded like someone was constantly eating her out.

Sienna cleared her throat, a luminescent blush on her face. She wiped a bit of drool from her face, then spoke. "A-as you can see, Jaune is clearly either a rhinoceros or elephant Faunus – he isn't sure; his family has a very mixed heritage."

Okay, now she was just telling complete lies. Did she even believe what she was saying? Was she just in really deep denial? He had no way of knowing for sure. Still, it was keeping Jaune alive and making Adam look like a bitch, so he would accept it.

"In any case, he is clearly one of us. I trust that there will be no further objections to his inclusion here?"

Most people shook their heads. The one exception was Banesaw, though even he looked unsure.

"How do we know he isn't just a human with a big dick?" Banesaw asked.

Sienna growled. "Now, you listen here," she began. "I first met Jaune Arc when he stumbled into my safehouse a few weeks ago. I too mistook him for a human, to the point where I almost had him killed. And let me just say, after he stopped crying, Jaune was completely fearless. He revealed that he was actually a Faunus, and even when faced with overwhelming doubt, he refused to break. He was staring down the barrel of a gun and certain death, and you know what he did? He gave the most beautiful, breathtaking speech I have ever heard about Faunus rights."

She looped a hand around his waist. Jaune noted that she was suspiciously close to copping a feel. "I know Jaune Arc better than everyone here. It is my opinion that he is the most brilliant, most uncompromising, most militant Faunus I have ever encountered in my life. If he isn't fit to serve as my second-in-command, then who is?"

By this point, the crowd was looking much more uncertain. Even Banesaw seemed to be regretting what he said.

Jaune, meanwhile, was simply trying to keep himself from sweating through his hoodie.

Easier said than done when you're not only lying to an entire crowd of people who could easily kill you if they found out, but you're also doing so with your dick out, and are next to a very pretty woman who keeps trying to grope you while speaking.

Seriously, this was almost as awkward as that time Cardin stole his clothes and towel while he was using the gym showers, forcing him to walk out naked.

At least Pyrrha wasn't around to see this time. Poor girl; that had been a really bad nosebleed. Hopefully she didn't secretly have hemophilia or something.

Sienna waved an arm out over the crowd. "I ask you, is there anyone among you who still doubts this young man? If so, speak now! Speak, and make your voice heard, so that he may prove you wrong the same way he proved me wrong!"

Hopefully not the exact same way; some of these people were beyond saving even with beer goggles, like that spider Faunus in the back.

He may have had a Faunus fetish, but he drew the line at banging a spider-girl. For all he knew, she was into some pretty fucked-up bondage stuff.

Why does that sound like part of the plot of an utterly sinful anime?

At least there were no fish Faunus with a fetish for NTR present in the crowd, at least as far as he could tell. Truly the worst girl, by the way.

Out in the crowd, nobody spoke. Silence reigned over the room. A smug grin crossed Sienna's face.

Then, quietly, a voice spoke up.

"Arc! Arc! Arc!"

Jaune blinked, surprised. So did everyone else.

Then more people joined in. Soon enough, they were all chanting his name. Jaune noticed he was still exposed and quickly pulled his pants up, though he had to fend off Sienna's prowling hand as he did so. Relieved, he allowed himself to bask in the (highly undeserved) glory.

And then the chant changed to something much less confidence-building.

"Speech! Speech! Speech!"

His smile faded. He looked to Sienna for guidance, but she simply nodded, waving out to the crowd. Clearly, she was intent on encouraging this madness. Jaune swallowed nervously, then took a step forward.

Okay, Jaune. You're all alone, surrounded by a room full of people who were willing to kill you until they saw your penis. They now want you to give a speech. You haven't rehearsed, you're socially awkward, your cock was just out, and you got a C in public speaking class last semester.

Act. Natural.

Jaune cleared his throat. The crowd quickly died down, looking at him expectantly. Again, he cleared his throat.

He wasn't sure what had been a worse idea: wearing a hoodie or pulling his pants back up. Either way, he was sweating so much by now that the inside of his pants felt like he was swimming in testicle soup.

But there were no other options than to run with it. These people were demanding a speech, and that meant they were gonna get one.

"Right..." he began. "So… my dad always used to say that there were two kinds of people in this world: the people who got pissed off, and the people who got pissed on.

Granted, he used to say this while he was really drunk, but still…

"Anyway, he once told me, 'Jaune, life is gonna piss all over you. Live long enough and eventually you're gonna get pissed on real bad. The only question is what you do afterwards. You can either take it like a bitch, or you can be a man and get pissed off and mad about it'.

"Looking out over this crowd, I can see that we've all spent our entire lives being pissed on. Well, no more! Now's the time we get pissed off! We're covered in piss, and we're pissed about it! And we're gonna make sure humanity knows it! We're gonna take to the streets and piss on them for a change! Who's with me?!"

A loud cheer erupted among everyone in the room. Jaune nodded in understanding.

Holy shit, I can't believe that worked. I just completely made all that up as I went.

He turned to his side and found Sienna grinning widely at him. "Well, it was a bit more low-brow than usual, but we can work on that. At least you know how to work a crowd."
He most certainly did, by the looks of things. Apparently a few of them had taken his advice a bit too literally, as they were now taking out pictures of the Schnee family, and-

I didn't need to see that.

"...You're going to discuss their, ah, 'methods' with them, right?"

"Yes." Sienna frowned. "But that can come later. For now, I think it would be best if we gave them some time alone."

Looking out over the crowd, Jaune was inclined to agree.

Waking up, Jaune rubbed the sleep from his eyes with a sigh. Glancing over at the clock, he saw that it was just past nine – a bit late for him to wake up, even on a Saturday, but Sienna had really worn him out last night.

Normally, it would have felt wrong for him to enter a relationship with somebody built on such a huge lie… but was it really still a lie if he tried to tell her the truth multiple times, and she simply refused to believe him no matter how much he insisted he wasn't lying? Seriously, it was like she was actively incapable of admitting that he was a human, presumably because then she would have to face the fact that there was actually a human in the world that she liked.

Well, he wasn't going to complain. The White Fang could pound sand for all he cared.

What was the deal with the White Fang, anyway? They claimed to be fighting oppression and all that shit, but was there even anything that bad in Vale? Like, he could maybe understand Atlas or Mistral, but Vale? Really? And for that matter things still didn't seem all that bad - it wasn't like they were being hunted down and lynched or anything like that. Hell, Jacques Schnee himself apparently hired Faunus to work in his mansion, and he was quite fucking literally the CEO of racism. Honestly, the whole thing just seemed like a thinly-veiled excuse to kill people and cause property damage. It was almost like it was a shitty story element designed purely to cause melodrama, but that was ridiculous because he wasn't in a story.

Every with Sienna was too fucking crazy to be anything but absolutely real.

Speaking of Sienna, he had to admit that he had neglected to spend a lot of time with her recently... outside of bed, that is. It was tough, trying to balance a relationship alongside his life at Beacon – so far, he had been limited to seeing her on weekends. Conveniently, this left him out of most of the White Fang's meetings, though none of them seemed to mind.

Of course, it also helped that he was actively unhelpful to them whenever they were actually in a meeting. It wasn't as if he wasn't sympathetic to their cause, but terrorism was where he drew the line, both because he didn't want anyone to get hurt and because he was too pretty to go to prison – he had read about prison, and it wasn't fun. They would eat him alive in there, both in the figurative and literal sense, if you catch his drift.

That hadn't stopped Sienna from trying to get him involved anyway, but she had at least taken a break after her last attempt.

"Okay, we've got an SDC warehouse we need to hit. It's carrying a contingent of guards, multiple Atlesian Knights, and at least one Specialist on-staff. What do you suggest, Jaune?"

"Why are you asking me?! I want no part of this!"

"Jaune, I understand that you're nervous-"

"Nervous, nothing! I'm not a criminal!"

She laughed, clapping him on the back. "Oh, you're so silly! Everyone else here thinks so, too!"

She was the only one laughing out of everyone at the table, so he somehow doubted that.

Sienna wiped a tear from her eye, then turned back to him, her smile fading slightly. "Okay, seriously. What do you suggest?"

"...You're really gonna make me do this?"

"That depends on if you like having sex or not."

Let's see, a few lives or never having sex with her again? Damn, she had him there. "...Okay, uh… What if – and hear me out on this – we create a diversion, then sneak in and steal the Dust without anyone noticing? That way nobody gets hurt, there's no risk of us losing men, and it looks even more embarrassing because the Dust was stolen right from beneath them."

"A stealth approach, huh? That'd be a first. What'd you have in mind?"

"This is going to sound crazy, but just give it a chance..."

And that was the story of how Operation Create-A-Giant-Fake-Beowolf-And-Stuff-Like-Eight-Dudes-Inside-And-Then-Deliver-It-To-The-Front-Door-So-They-Bring-It-Inside-And-Leave-It-Unattended-And-Our-Guys-Jump-Out-And-Sneak-In-Then-Steal-Everything-Not-Nailed-Down started.

Needless to say, it was a colossal failure. It was as unfortunate as it was unforeseen. Jaune definitely hadn't intended for it to fail, no sir.

Funnily enough, despite that failure, it was still a bigger success than most of the White Fang's operations, mainly because most of those operations were being run by Adam, who was a complete tool who only cared about his ex.

Hey, what do you know? Jaune was right again. Turns out Adam was never anything more than a psycho ex-boyfriend. Amazing how he could have mistaken him for anything else when he kept ranting about how he was going to destroy everything his girlfriend loved when he thought nobody was listening.

Man, what a tool.

That being said, it was actually a miracle how nobody in the White Fang had tried to murder Jaune yet for his continued failures. He understood that the White Fang was basically the short bus of terrorist groups, but even they had to have a limit to how much incompetence they could tolerate.

...Or maybe not, considering those two pederast-looking guys walking around in robes and acting like the group was their religion were still running around acting like idiots. Luckily they stayed far away from him - the last thing Jaune wanted was to step into Sienna's headquarters and find one of them with a ten-year-old glued to their crotch.

Anyway, what was he talking about? Spending time with Sienna? Yeah, he hadn't really spent any time with Sienna aside from when they met up for sex. Perhaps he should change that?

He glanced down at the woman resting her head against his bare chest, his expression softening. Softly, he ran a hand through her hair, being careful to avoid her ears. Sure, she was a terrorist who routinely orchestrated the deaths of innocent people. Sure, she had deluded himself into thinking he was a Faunus and therefore the whole relationship was based on a lie. But you know what? Nobody was perfect. Even bad girls deserved love.

Or, in this case, really bad girls who routinely ordered the deaths of innocent people, and who would likely kill him herself if she ever decided to stop being in denial.

But she was smoking hot and down to fuck, so it was okay.

He would just have to be careful not to let his mom find out, because that would not go over well; Saphron had once brought home a girl with a history of misdemeanors and his mom had chased her off with his dad's shotgun, so it didn't take much to imagine what she would do if she found out her only son was dating Remnant's most wanted terrorist.

He would play it safe, then. It would be like that old book with the two dumb teenagers from warring families who fell in love, only hopefully neither him nor Sienna ended up killing themselves over it.

Sienna let out a small murmur, then slowly began to open her eyes. Her gaze met Jaune's and a small smile crossed her face.

"Morning, Jaune."

"Morning, Sienna."

The two leaned in for a kiss. After a few seconds, they pulled away. Sienna hooked her arms around his neck, then laid back down and rested her head on his chest once more. Jaune rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, we have to get up."

"I would, but you're too warm. Stay like this for a bit."

"I'd love to, but there are things I want to do today."

"Oh? Like what?"

"Like a trip to the park, with you."

"Trying to do couple things, now? I thought we had skipped past that stage already."

"Well, I figured now would be a good time to start acting like a real couple instead of just, y'know, banging like animals all the time."

She giggled. Silently, Jaune was thankful that he now had a blank check to make racist jokes, because otherwise that would have been bad.

Thank the Gods that Blake didn't know about this, because that was one speech he didn't want to sit through. She had already given him one after seeing his bookmarked websites, and he could go the rest of his life without experiencing another.

And as long as he was thanking the Gods, he was going to thank them a second time for somehow giving him the ability to keep Sienna from being killed a few weeks ago. It would really suck to have just met her only to have her instantly be cut down by some edgelord weeb bull Faunus. Good thing nothing that fucking stupid had happened.

"You know just what to say to me," Sienna said with a slight grin. Reluctantly, she sat up. "I'll go get ready."

She rose from bed, purposely putting a bit more sway in her step as she did so, knowing that Jaune was fixated on her rear. He stared until she had disappeared into the bathroom to take a shower… and then, a second later, she surprised him by sticking her head out.

"You planning on joining me?"

He blinked. Well, not at first, but if she was the one offering…

He rose from the bed as fast as he could, darting into the bathroom and stepping under the shower with her. The whole time, there was a small voice in the back of his head, asking one simple question.

Sienna Khan and the park… why does it seem like there's something wrong with that?

As it turned out, it seemed like there was something wrong with that because there was something wrong with that.

Namely, that parks sometimes had police officers patrolling nearby, and that police officers in Vale tended to be on the lookout for criminals.

Criminals like, say, an internationally wanted terrorist.

Jaune dove behind cover as a bullet impacted right above his head. His shield was clutched tightly in one hand, though his sword remained locked in its sheath – the last thing he wanted to do was antagonize the police any further by actually attacking them, so he had spent the entire time focused purely on blocking gunfire.

Sienna, however, did not have the same qualms, if the officer that spontaneously went flying over his hiding spot was any indication.

Movement from his left caught his attention, causing him to whip around. To his relief, it was just Sienna, settling into cover next to him. Their eyes met, and she wasted no time in pulling him in for a kiss.

He pulled away after a few seconds, surprised. "What are you doing?!"

She looked at him like he had grown a second head. "Kissing you."

"We're being shot at!"

"I know, isn't it great? You know just how to make a girl happy, Jaune. What's a date without getting into a fight with some humans?"

A normal one, but he never got a chance to tell her that before she leaped out of cover with a shout and jumped right back into combat. Two more cops went flying overhead, and he sighed.

How did he get himself into these messes?

...Oh, right; the booze. Why did people drink that stuff, anyway? It never led to anything good, and it didn't even taste that good either. The only reason he could see as to why people liked it so much was if they were trying to numb the pain of a lifetime of working for an enigmatic wizard and being unable to connect to their loved ones for fear of their shit-tier semblance destroying everything they cared about, or if they had to spend an entire day wrangling a school full of shithead teenage Huntsmen-in-training because their boss didn't do jack shit except complain about his ex-wife when he thought nobody was paying attention, or because they had given birth to eight kids and just wanted to not feel anything for the rest of the night after having to deal with them for the entire day, or because they had to deal with the existential nightmare of the story they wrote for fun being infinitely more popular than the one they put months upon months of work into but it's okay because I still love you all with all my heart.

Silently promising never to consume alcohol again and also to never let his life get as depressing as those hypothetical people who totally didn't exist, Jaune looked around for Sienna. She returned after a few seconds, jumping behind cover and grabbing him by the hand, then pulling him to his feet. She motioned for him to follow her, and with no other options, he did. The two of them sprinted through the park, weaving their way through stray bullets and groups of police, the former no match for Jaune's shield and the latter proving to be little more than an annoyance to Sienna's combat prowess.

It was as frightening as it was sexy.

Damn, she's got the looks, the age difference, the skills in bed, and she can kick my ass? Sienna, where have you been all my life?

He thought for a moment.

...Besides behind a desk, planning to assault members of my race. ...Uh, gonna pretend like I didn't just realize that and instead focus on the sexy tiger in front of me.

So he did.

Damn, even attached to an outspoken racist-slash-terrorist-slash-probable murderer, that ass was fine.

"Sienna, where are we going?" Jaune asked, taking his attention away from her behind for a moment.

"Out of Vale!"

"Out of Vale?! But I can't leave Vale! I'm a Beacon student!"

"Jaune, ask yourself what's more important: your life as a student, or me!"

...Why did he like Beacon, again? Sure, there were some cool people there, but there were also a lot of assholes as well. The only exceptions were Ruby, Ren and Nora, and Pyrrha - Weiss was a frigid bitch, Yang wouldn't stop making terrible puns and calling him Vomit Boy, and Blake just kept bitching endlessly about 'muh racism'. Not exactly the most compelling cast of characters.

"Okay," he said, "where are we going once we leave Vale?"

"Menagerie! That's where my primary base of operations is! Don't worry; you'll fit right in!"

He was sure he wouldn't, but at least she would stick up for him.

The last couple of weeks had certainly been crazy. He had gotten shitfaced, gotten laid, gotten himself involved in a world-spanning terrorist organization, gotten a girlfriend, and as of now had probably gotten himself put on the most wanted list right alongside said girlfriend. Despite all that, he couldn't help but feel a striking lack of regret.

Is this what it feels like to be in a relationship? Do you just stop caring about everything else?
He supposed he would find out just as soon as he got out of Vale and started his new life with his hot girlfriend.

Gods damn, that feels good to say.

Meanwhile, many miles away, a young blonde girl was watching TV while eating her Pumpkin Pete's, a bored expression on her face.

"Mom, do we have to watch the news?" she asked, swallowing a spoonful of cereal.

"Yes, June. It's important to know what's happening in the world," her mother replied.

"But it's so boring! I wanna watch cartoons!"

"In a bit, sweetie," came the response. "Anyway, be a dear and watch your sister while I go help your father with the laundry, okay?"

June looked over at Jade. The toddler grinned at her from atop her high chair, then smashed her sippy cup of milk against the tray. Luckily, the lid stayed on this time. Still, June groaned.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes, honey, you have to. It'll only be for a minute."

June crossed her arms, but reluctantly nodded. Her mother smiled at her, then ruffled her hair. June pushed her hand away, grumbling under her breath the whole time.

Her mother left the room, leaving Jade alone with June… and nobody around to witness what she was about to do. A mischievous smirk crossed her face as she reached for the remote. Her finger hovered over the guide button, and…

"We interrupt this broadcast for a special news bulletin!" the man on the TV suddenly said. June jumped, startled, and accidentally flung the remote from her grasp. Grumbling, she turned to look for it, the TV playing in the background the whole time.

"White Fang leader Sienna Khan has been spotted in Vale! Authorities are baffled as to why she has suddenly left Menagerie, but are currently too busy fighting her to ponder that question for very long! As you can see here, she is effortlessly tearing through squadron after squadron of Vale's finest! Oh, the humanity! Oh, the violence! Oh, the sudden spike in ratings! Whatever will we do?!"

"Blah, blah..." June said, continuing her hunt for the remote.

"We have just received word that Sienna Khan appears to have an accomplice with her, and that the two of them appear to be romantically involved somehow! The identity of this young man is currently unknown, and the VPD is requesting any information you may have on him! Here is a picture of the two of them!"

Finally, June found what she was looking for. Triumphantly, she turned around, prepared to finally change the channel… only to pause at what she saw, her eyes widening at the sight of what was unmistakably her brother locking lips with an older woman.

"Mom!" she shouted. "Jaune's on the TV, and you'll never guess what he did!"

"Oh? Did he accidentally get himself recruited by an international terrorist organization, and was then forced to go on the run when he unintentionally antagonized the entirety of Vale's police force in a single morning with one poorly-calculated plan?"

"No! He kissed a girl!"

"WHAT?!"

Juniper Arc stomped into the room, dragging her husband Jack Arc along with her. The two of them stared at the TV, freezing when they saw the image plastered across it.

Jack Arc whistled approvingly. "Damn, son. And here I was thinking you might be gay, yet it looks like you scored a perfect ten outta-"

He paused when he noticed his wife wasn't saying anything. Turning, he saw her staring at him with the kind of expression that indicated he would be sleeping on the sofa if he said another word. Slowly, he swallowed.

"I mean, wow she's a lot older than him. I'm pretty sure there are laws against that. We should probably do something."

"You're damn right!" Juniper Arc shouted, turning and beginning to walk away. "Where did you put the shotgun?!"

"In a box under the bed, next to the-" He paused when he noticed Jade and June staring at him. Slowly, he cleared his throat. "...The, uh, items we use for, uh… marital enhancement. The plastic ones that take batteries."

"Found it!" There was a loud ch-CHUNK from the other room, indicating she had indeed found it. "Honey, book us passage on an airship! We're going after him!"

Jack Arc sighed, bringing a hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose. "Yes, dear."

Sure, he could have tried to talk his wife out of it, but therein lied madness, as well as a night in the doghouse rather than on the sofa. Plus, his dad had once given him advice specifically for this situation.

"Son, there will eventually come a day when your wife finds out your son has shacked up with a much older woman, and she grabs a shotgun and tries to kill her. When that day comes, you mustn't get in her way."

"How do you know this, Papa?"

"Because it happened to me when your older brother shacked up with that girl from Mistral and I'm still picking buckshot out of my asscheeks, the same way it happened to my father when I shacked up with your mother. You see, it's sort of an Arc family tradition, trying to stop your wife from doing something crazy and getting shot in the ass for it."

"Why are you telling me this? I'm only twelve."

"When the time comes, you'll understand."

Well, the time had finally come, and he had finally started to understand. He sighed to himself.

"Guess I should pack some medical supplies for the buckshot..." he muttered to nobody in particular.

"It's just Sienna, it's not like I can make this all that weird just by virtue of her being a bit character. Pretty sure this one will be pretty tame compared to the last one."
- Me tempting fate shortly before Jaune's 'Pissed off or pissed on' speech.

Now would be a good time to mention that I don't really plan too much of these things out and am often just as surprised by what I write as you guys are.

Less of this chapter was inspired by Coeur than you may think. I somehow didn't make the connection between this chapter and 'A Rabbit among Wolves' until after I had already finished the scene with Jaune being introduced to the White Fang. The last part with Jaune's family was definitely inspired by it, but the rest really wasn't, as weird as that may seem.

Also, no joke at Pyrrha's expense this chapter, because I've been very mean to her so far and she deserved a bit of a break. Instead, she gets a glimpse of naked Jaune, making this the most Pyrrha has won in this story so far. We will return to your regularly scheduled Pyrrha bullying shortly.

Oh, before I go: The people have spoken, so there will be sequel chapters and R63 characters! So far everyone seems to want a sequel to Cinder, and I might go ahead and do a continuation of the Raven chapter when it comes time to do Vernal. For R63, I really want to do Qrow, Cardin, and Adam, among a few others, but there are some other characters who also have potential as well. We'll just see what my muse has to say about them.

Next update: Saturday, February 8th.