Problems With Dating the RWBY Girls
Chapter 6: Qrowe (Qrow R63), or: (In The Spirit Of This Chapter) I Wrote This While Drunk
Jaune liked to think that he consistently made good decisions, and that his parents would be proud of him. For the most part, he tried to live up to the example they had set for him – be responsible, ethical, and trust in your loved ones. Sure, he occasionally did stupid things, such as applying to Beacon with forged transcripts or going through initiation without aura, but they were generally for a good cause – the world needed Huntsmen, after all.
Pay no attention to the fact that he more than likely stole someone else's spot at Beacon in doing so.
Anyway, the point was, he prided himself on being responsible.
But even he had his limits.
Jaune looked down at the glass in front of him, debating whether to just try and knock it back. The music reverberating through his skull wasn't helping things – he could barely hear himself think. It would have been a much easier decision if he had known what to get, but this being his first time at a bar, he had been clueless, and had trusted the bartender to set him up with something good.
He had received straight gin.
Naturally, the first sip had been a struggle, him being a new drinker and all. But ultimately, he wasn't here for the taste – he was here to drown his sorrows.
Cardin had him dead to rights. When knowledge of his transcripts came to light, that was it – his Beacon career, short-lived as it was, was over. He was going to be kicked out and forced to go back home as a failure. His dream was going to be dashed before his very eyes.
"Damn, someone's looking a little depressed."
Jaune blinked, turning around to see who was talking to him. He was taken aback by what he found – a tall, long-haired ravenette, staring at him with piercing red eyes. He felt himself swallow nervously.
He had never considered himself a connoisseur of older women before, but damn, this woman was hot. Even in her wrinkled dress shirt and… corset? Well, he wasn't going to complain with how it accentuated her chest...
His heart just about skipped a beat when she pulled up a chair next to him.
"Hey, bartender," she called, "give me a double whiskey, neat."
The bartender grunted, then slid her over a glass that was filled to just over midway with straight whiskey. Jaune stared at her incredulously – there was no way she was actually going to-
And she did, knocking back half the glass in one gulp. She exhaled loudly, licking her lips before setting the drink down on the countertop.
"Man, that hits the spot," she exclaimed.
Turning, she found him staring. She smirked. "Like what you see?"
Jaune instantly looked away. Nope, no way was this happening. No way was a hot older woman actually hitting on him. Even if she was, she was out of his league, so the only reason why she would even acknowledge him was because she wanted to get him hot and bothered, lure him to her bedroom, and cut out his kidneys to sell on the black market.
He wasn't about to let that happen, since he kind of needed his kidneys. Sure, he had two, but he was saving his spare for if he ever accidentally knocked a girl up and needed to pay for a shotgun wedding.
Some might have called him paranoid for that, but those people hadn't been there for the fiasco that was Saphron's wedding.
How a woman like her managed to get another woman pregnant was a mystery for the ages. Apparently alcohol was involved, but he wasn't privy to the details… not that he minded. The last thing he wanted to think of was his older sister having sex.
Oh, look, there were those traumatic images he wanted to avoid tonight. Good thing he had some brain bleach right in front of him. Jaune picked up his glass and swallowed a mouthful of gin, choking once it hit his throat but somehow managing to keep it down. Next to him, the woman frowned.
"Not much of a drinker, eh?"
Jaune shook his head, coughing as he pounded his chest, trying to get the burning to go away.
The woman scowled, then turned to the bartender. "Hey, gimme a screwdriver down here."
Jaune heard something slide across the countertop, and to his surprise, it was another drink, though this one looked much more his style than the last one. It looked like a glass of orange juice, and was even garnished with an orange slice. Perplexed, he glanced over to the woman, who motioned towards it with her head.
"That's on me. Try it – you'll like it." She raised her glass. "Cheers."
Jaune blinked, then turned to the drink. Well, if she was paying for it… Hesitantly, he picked it up and raised it.
"Cheers."
Moment of truth, then. He brought the drink to his lips and took a sip… and to his surprise, it wasn't completely disgusting. In fact, it tasted just like orange juice, though it had a bit of a bite to it. Surprised, he looked over to the woman, who shrugged.
"Orange juice and vodka. Good choice for a novice drinker."
Jaune had to agree – trying it again, it tasted pretty good. He took a few more sips, then set his glass down.
"Thanks."
She nodded. "Don't mention it." Taking a big gulp from her own drink, she once again looked over at him, her gaze settling on his hips. "Nice sword."
Jaune looked down at Crocea Mors. "Heh, yeah, she is pretty nice, isn't she?"
"Wrong sword," the woman said, winking. Jaune felt himself blush, and instinctively drew his legs closer together, causing her to bark out a laugh.
Was this what it felt like to get hit on? It was… honestly kind of creepy when an older woman did it.
...Or rather, it would have been if she wasn't the very definition of a cougar, because damn, she had it going on. And she knew it, too – that corset along with those knee-high high-heeled boots was just unfair. And then she had on a choker as well…
Okay, there was no mistaking it: she was out looking for some dick. And apparently, this cougar had found her prey for the night.
And honestly, Jaune was torn between calling for an adult and just letting it happen, because an opportunity like this came along maybe once a lifetime if he was lucky. Swallowing nervously, he turned towards her, trying his best to show no fear.
"...What do you want?"
To his surprise, she shrugged. "Honestly, I'm just here to have a good time. Whatever happens afterwards, I won't argue."
"I see…" He paused. "Then why are you here, talking to me?"
She swirled the alcohol in her glass before drinking from it once more. Placing it back on the counter, she turned to him.
"Because I can tell when a Huntsman is feeling down, and that's never a good combination."
Ah. Well, he never was one to avoid wearing his heart on his sleeve. People tended to read him like a book.
...Why had it taken him until now to realize that? No wonder Weiss had seen right through his fake confidence and manufactured machismo.
"That obvious, huh?"
"Oh, yeah." She kicked one leg up, crossing it over her other. Jaune caught a flash underneath her skirt as she did so and just about fainted. "So, talk to me. What's the problem?"
"...You want to talk to me?" Jaune questioned.
"Nobody else around, is there? Look, I get you're depressed, but all I want is to talk."
"...Really? Because you were hitting on me earlier, so-"
She rolled her eyes. "It got you to drop your guard and start talking, didn't it?"
"...So, you don't really think I'm-"
"Look, forget about that," she said. "Focus on this conversation. Talk to me, will you? I just want to know what the problem is."
"You promise?"
"I promise."
"You swear you won't try to take advantage of me?"
She stared at him incredulously. Okay, he had to admit, that sounded a lot more pathetic when he said it out loud. Sighing, he took a big sip of his drink before turning back to her.
"...So, I go to Beacon, right?" She nodded. "Well, to make a long story short, I didn't get in fairly. I forged my transcripts. Well, someone found out, and now they're threatening to reveal them to the headmaster."
The woman paused, taking it all in.
Then, to Jaune's surprise, she began to laugh.
"H-hey!" he protested. "What's so funny?!"
She wiped a few tears from her eyes. "N-nothing," she assured, "it's just… Are you seriously concerned that you'll get kicked out over something like that?"
"Of course!"
"Oh, man, that's rich. Man, these new trainees get better every year."
"How can you laugh about this?!"
"Because it's funny," came her reply. "Look, I went to Beacon. I can assure you that nothing gets past Oz. He definitely knows your transcripts are forged."
"No, he doesn't!"
"He goes over each application personally, you know. He knows how to pick apart the fakes. I know because I got in with fake transcripts all those years ago."
"That's-" Instantly, Jaune paused. "...What?"
She picked up her glass, drinking from it once more. "You heard me. I got into Beacon using forged transcripts. Had to, given where I was coming from."
"...Then, you mean-"
"Yes, Ozpin definitely knows. He just doesn't care."
"...Why wouldn't he care?"
"Well, you made it through initiation, didn't you?" Jaune nodded. She grinned. "There you go, you've already proven yourself."
"Then… even if someone tells him-"
"He won't care, because you've earned your spot at Beacon." She raised her glass to him. "I'll drink to that."
She drained what was left in her glass, but Jaune barely noticed. He was too busy basking in the feeling of relief that had settled over him. Slowly, a grin crossed his face. He turned to her, then nodded appreciatively.
"Thank you, Miss-"
"Qrowe," she replied, "Qrowe Branwen."
Branwen…? Somehow, that name sounded familiar. Had someone at Beacon mentioned it to him? He couldn't remember… anyway, that wasn't important right now. At the moment, all he cared about was the fact that Cardin had basically just gotten cucked.
Suck it, Winchester. Looks like everything is coming up Jaune.
He went to rise from his seat, only for her to stop him.
"Whoa, what's the hold-up?" she questioned.
Jaune paused. "...I'm heading back to Beacon?" he ventured. "Thanks for the help, but I've really gotta-"
Qrowe shook her head. "What you've gotta do is celebrate! You're a free man, you know." She gestured towards his half-finished screwdriver. "Plus, if I'm paying for it, you're drinking it."
Jaune stared at the drink, blushing slightly. Well, she had paid for it…
Settling back down into his seat, he watched as Qrow called the bartender over, again getting herself some whiskey. She raised her glass.
"To passing initiation."
"To passing initiation," Jaune repeated.
Both of them took a long drink. Jaune placed his empty glass on the counter, smacking his lips.
...You know, that was actually pretty good. Qrowe seemed to realize this, and smirked.
"Care for another? Maybe something a bit different, and a bit harder?"
Well, he shouldn't… but honestly, it was a Friday night, so he didn't need to be back at school just yet. Plus, he wasn't sure if he was ready to face Pyrrha – their last conversation had gone poorly, and even though he knew he was going to have to do it eventually, he wasn't too keen on pressing on without thinking it through first.
Fuck it, one more wouldn't hurt, especially not if it was something new that she thought he would like. He nodded. Qrowe's grin widened.
"Whaddya say we try something a bit different, then? Hey, bartender! Another screwdriver here, and make it a slow comfortable screw up against a fuzzy wall!"
Jaune didn't know what any of that meant, but if it was another screwdriver, he was all for it. The drink arrived, and he brought it to his lips to take a big sip.
And that was where his memory of the night ended.
Sometimes, Jaune wished his parents had done a better job of warning him about the dangers of the world. As it was, he was utterly unprepared for most of what he ran into outside home. He loved his family, sure, but they had coddled him, and it had left him worse off than if they had tried to toughen him up. For one, if they hadn't been so overprotective, he might have actually shown up to Beacon with his aura unlocked, maybe a little training under his belt.
For another, he would have stayed the hell away from any and all alcohol, because it was a dangerous beast.
Of course, that was only sometimes. Other times, Jaune was glad that his parents had insulated him from the world. Because if they hadn't, things might have turned out a bit differently.
"Oh, Jaune..."
Very differently.
Thank the Gods they had, then.
He felt Qrowe reach up to grab him by the chin, turning his head around so she could kiss him. Their tongues fought for dominance before she won, taking the opportunity to put a hand on his chest and gently push him backwards onto the bed. She smirked as he went down, positioning herself properly.
"Ready for the main event?" she asked.
He simply nodded, watching with apprehension as she began to lower herself down. As she did, his gaze drifted to her left hand, settling on the ring on her finger.
When the two of them had first discovered they had been drunkenly married, they had considered annulling it… but eventually decided that, maybe, they should give it a shot. Not the whole 'husband and wife' thing, but maybe just a date or two – after all, they had enjoyed each other's company at the bar that night, and if they had already danced the horizontal boogie, a date would be mild by comparison.
Neither of them had expected to hit it off like they had, but damn if they hadn't. They got along really well, even with the age difference. Qrowe, it turned out, was someone Jaune could be comfortable around… probably because hanging out with her was like hanging out with one of his guy friends. She was a huge tomboy, despite not looking the part. Then again, the same could be said of Yang, so this wasn't exactly unique, he supposed.
Huh, that was weird. Now that he thought about it, there were quite a few resemblances between the two of them… ah well, he was sure it was just coincidence.
Aside from that, Qrowe, surprisingly, seemed pretty open to the idea of dating someone more than half her age. He had asked her why, but she had simply avoided the question for some reason. He hadn't asked again.
Mainly because, that night, they'd had sex for the first time since being plastered, so his mind had been elsewhere.
And speaking of sex…
The two of them moved their hips in rhythm, low gasps and moans escaping both of them. Gently, Qrowe cupped his head and angled his face up, then brought their lips together, the two of them moaning into the kiss.
Yeah, this was the life. Porn had nothing on this. Though, he had to wonder what Qrowe's angle was – they had barely gotten through their second date before she had pushed for sex, and ever since then, every night had basically been a non-stop fuckfest. He wasn't complaining, but it was weird how quickly things had progressed between them, and also how uncaring she was about the whole 'drunkenly married' thing. Then again, that was kind of her nature – she didn't seem to take much of anything all that seriously.
Still, he supposed it was to be expected – the two of them, despite having dated for a few weeks, having had sex multiple times, and even being married, still didn't know each other all that well.
And to think he had decried hookup culture not too long ago. If that made him a hypocrite, then he didn't want to be… uh… whatever the opposite of a hypocrite was.
He didn't really care at this point, because he was too busy going balls deep.
With one final thrust, Jaune loudly moaned into the kiss, feeling himself be pushed over the edge. Qrowe held him as he shook, and after several seconds the two of them pulled apart. He was panting heavily, and she simply smirked at him.
"Done already?"
Jaune shook his head. "I can go again."
"Whoa there, lover boy – it was just a joke. No need to push yourself."
"No, I mean it – lots of aura, remember?"
"I know, but still, take it easy. We have all night."
She gently raised herself off of him with a gasp, then once they were separated, reached for the bottle of water on the bedside table. Uncapping it, she handed it to him,
"Drink."
He did as he was told, draining half the bottle in a matter of seconds. Handing it back, she replaced it with a glass.
"Drink."
Again, he obeyed, enjoying his slow deep screw. Ironic name – if he didn't know any better, he'd say she planned it like that, but he knew she hadn't; dropping hints wasn't her style. If Qrowe wanted to fuck, she came right out and said it, she didn't bother with subtlety. The drink was just something she knew he liked. The fact that it fit so well was just a bonus.
Jaune handed the glass of alcohol back to her, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. She laid down next to him, resting her head on his chest with a sigh. He looped one arm around her, then leaned his head against hers.
"I meant what I said," he told her. "I'm good to go whenever you are. All I need is another condom."
Again, she smirked. "I know you are. But for now, let's just take it easy. You'll have all night to get me off."
Gods damn, that was fucking hot. Why hadn't he tried this whole 'dating' thing before?
...Oh, right; he had, but nobody had ever given him a chance. Well, fuck them… or, rather, don't fuck them; he had someone else now, and she was way better than all of them.
Sure, her breasts were a little saggy, and she wasn't as in-shape as some of the Huntresses his age, and she had wrinkles and crow's feet, and she constantly smelled of booze and bad decisions…
...You know what? He was just going to stop there. This was a good thing he had going on, and he didn't want to ruin it by focusing only on the downsides. Everything had a pro and a con, and the con with dating a mature woman was that she was, you know, mature.
Oh, and she was also a hopeless drunk who spent every waking minute completely shitfaced, but that was neither here nor there.
Man, his mom would freak if she could see him now. Normally that would have scared him, but at this point he didn't even care. She could do what she wanted with him, for he had already won.
Also, his dad wouldn't care. Hell, his dad would probably congratulate him for doing the deed. Papa Arc was cool like that.
But only until Mama Arc found out, because then he would be sleeping in the doghouse after burying Jaune in a shallow grave… and then digging him up and killing him again before burying him once again – that was the beauty of a shallow grave, you see.
It was probably weird of his parents to have thought far enough ahead to tell fourteen-year-old Jaune about what would happen if he ever banged an older woman while shitfaced, but then again with Saphron in the family, it most likely paid to be prepared.
Seriously, that girl had a delinquency streak a mile long. It was a wonder that she was married with a kid rather than in jail somewhere.
Anyway, that wasn't important right now. Right now, all that mattered was that Jaune was on Cloud Nine – he had a hot older woman in his arms, he had just nutted, and he was about to nut again in a few minutes. Life was good. And absolutely nothing could ruin this moment.
A distorted guitar riff filled the room, and Qrowe frowned. "That's my scroll. Hang on while I take this."
Jaune watched as she stood up, purposely putting a bit more sway in her step as she did so. She picked up a nearby bottle of beer, chugged it, then tossed the empty bottle into the hotel room's trash can before reaching for her scroll and answering it, putting it on speaker.
"Hey, Ruby."
Immediately, Jaune paused. Ruby? Huh, that's a weird coincidence – didn't think there were that many people named Ruby out there.
"Hi, Aunt Qrowe!"
The blonde's face fell. Aunt…? ...No, this has to be a mistake.
It was delusional of him to even entertain such an idea – that was clearly Ruby's voice, after all – but he still had to hold onto hope that this wasn't as it seemed.
Qrow grinned. "So, what's up? Everything good at Beacon?"
Oh, Gods...
"Your sister giving you trouble?"
Oh, Gods…!
"You know, your sister, Yang Xiao Long? Blonde hair, lilac eyes, two years older than you, on Team RWBY, who are all first-years at Beacon Academy and are led by you, Ruby Rose?"
Alright, I get it!
There was a pause. "...Aunt Qrowe, are you drunk?"
Qrowe hiccuped. "Guilty as charged," she said, absentmindedly scratching her asscheek with her free hand. She let out a small burp.
Normally, Jaune would have reflected on the fact that he liked that she was comfortable enough around him that she didn't feel the need to act girly and instead just acted like herself, but he was too busy having an existential crisis.
Okay Jaune, think. So it turns out the hot cougar you've been banging and accidentally got drunkenly married to is actually your best friend's aunt, and more importantly her overprotective sister's aunt. How can you get out of this without having her hate you and without having Yang knock your block off?
Truthfully, he didn't know. There were a few ways he could think of, but all of them ended with him breaking up with Qrowe, and he wanted to avoid that because he liked her, the sex was great, and he didn't want to lose half his stuff in the divorce.
Not that he had much of anything to lose, but still. It was the principle that mattered.
Plus, he was certain she would try and take his Pumpkin Pete's hoodie, and he'd be damned if he let anyone take his hoodie. Eating all that cereal had almost given him diabetes, so anyone who wanted the hoodie was going to have pry it from his cold, dead hands.
Turning back to Qrowe, Jaune found her chuckling at something Ruby had just said.
"And then I said, 'Now that's a katana!" There was a pause. "...Promise you won't tell Dad or Yang."
"Don't worry, kiddo," Qrowe said. "Your secret's safe with me."
"Oh, thank the Gods. They both still think I don't know what sex is."
"Wow, that's stupid."
"You're telling me. Wait until they find out how much I masturbate."
Oh, Gods! Why, Ruby? You were supposed to be innocent, not some insane schlick-addicted pervert!
Qrowe frowned, casting a glance back at Jaune out of the corner of her eye. "...Might wanna put a lid on that kinda talk, kiddo – I get that you're comfortable with your body, but that's not the kind of thing you go around telling people."
"Pssh, like you care – you're the one who taught me how to delete my browser history. Don't act like you didn't know exactly what I was gonna do with it."
And just like that, Jaune's world was turned upside-down. What insane thing was going to happen next? Was Pyrrha going to turn out to have a crush on him? Was Weiss going to fall for some charmless tryhard fuccboi from another school? Was Ozpin going to turn out to secretly be some wandering soul, damned by the Gods to continually possess and assimilate new host bodies over and over whenever he died until he finally convinced his immortal bitch of an ex-wife to stop being such a spiteful ho and just accept the no-fault divorce already?
...Okay, that last one was ridiculous even for him, but his point stood, that point being that his vision of the world had been completely and irreparably fucked. At this rate, a corgi was going to fight a giant robot and actually win or something, and that was just stupid.
"Anyway, I've gotta run, so I'll talk to you later."
"Alright, Rubes. Good talking to you."
"Bye, Aunt Qrowe! Come visit soon!"
"I will, Rubes. Bye."
With that, Qrowe ended the call, then placed her scroll down and turned back to Jaune. A smirk crossed her face.
"I think I'm ready to go again."
Normally, Jaune would have been ecstatic to hear that, but not now. Now, he was too busy thinking of all the ways Yang would kill him. The blonde swallowed nervously.
"So, uh… Ruby, huh?"
Qrowe nodded. "Yeah, she's one of my nieces. Sweet girl, though a bit of a spaz. Likes sugar and her weapon a bit too much."
Yup, that was definitely Ruby. Jaune groaned, bringing his hands up in a facepalm.
"I'm so dead…"
"How so?"
"Because I know Ruby and Yang…"
A pause. "...You do?"
"They're my friends."
Again, Qrowe paused. Neither said anything for a few seconds before Qrowe spoke again.
"Well, this is awkward."
She had no idea.
The next week had seen them being very careful. The two of them had gone from seeing each other pretty much every night to only seeing each other on the weekend, mainly because Jaune was concerned that the others – Ruby and Yang in particular – would start asking too many questions about why he kept going into Vale and coming back late at night.
They had bought the 'I'm going to a comic book convention' excuse once, and he wasn't sure he would be able to pull it off again.
On a side note, thank the Gods that neither of them were into comics as much as he was. Ruby dabbled in them, but according to her, cosplay was for nerds, and she didn't want to be stuck in an entire convention center full of unwashed greasy neckbeards and weebs.
Bit of an ironic statement coming from the girl dressed like an edgy anime character, but whatever.
Oh, and she had also complained about the overwhelming spergery of the shipping community, who apparently looked for any excuse to pair up two characters together and refused to fucking keep it in their pants, but even worse, who ended up creating an entire community of anti-shippers who existed purely to argue with and spite them, and who had no qualms with starting drama for laughs.
Thank the Gods he didn't actually know a damn thing about comic book conventions, because they sounded like a fucking nightmare.
Anyway, the point was, Jaune had managed to keep his relationship a secret for the time being, and all it had cost him was a bit of his dignity because now the others thought he was a huge geek.
But that was okay, because he got to bang a hot older woman on the regular. He would gladly sit there and endure Yang's terrible jokes at his expense if it meant he got to keep fucking her aunt.
Wow, that was weird to think about.
Currently, Jaune was sitting on his bed, trying to do some homework for Oobleck's class. He had fallen behind, as his continuous trips to Vale the week before as well as his nightly training sessions with Pyrrha had eaten away at his schedule, and now he was paying the price.
Still totally worth it, though.
He had just managed to think of the answer to one of Oobleck's essay questions when an ear-piercing squeal echoed from across the hall, making him jump. As he tried to still his pounding heart, Jaune considered his options.
That sounded like Ruby, but then again the last thing I want to do is to walk in on Blake and Yang naked wrestling again.
Seriously, they still hadn't let him live down when it had happened the first time. What the hell did they expect, anyway? Who wrestled while naked? Why were they both moaning so loud?
...Why was he just now realizing that they were totally banging and not actually naked wrestling? Fuck, and to think that he had missed out on all that fap material for so long.
But at least now he didn't need it.
Anyway, he decided that he should at least knock this time. Waiting a moment for his boner to recede, Jaune rose from his seat and crossed the hall, then knocked on Team RWBY's door.
"Everything alright in there? I heard-"
The door came flying open, just barely missing him. Jaune took a step back, surprised. Ruby stood in front of him, a mile-wide smile on her face.
"Uh, Ruby? Everything al-"
"MyAuntIsComingToVisit!" she shouted.
Jaune blinked. "...Uh, say that again? You spoke a little-"
"She said our aunt is coming to visit," Yang said, stepping into the doorway and leaning on it.
"WHAT?!" Blake shouted.
Jaune paused. "Uh, why is Blake acting like she's deaf?"
Ruby and Yang exchanged a glance. "...Oh, you know Blake," Yang began, "she's super weird."
"WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU – THE OVERTONES IN RUBY'S VOICE WERE TOO LOUD!"
"Just ignore her, she doesn't know what she's saying."
"THEY MIGHT HAVE BURST MY EARDRUMS."
"Ah." Jaune said. "...Should I be concerned?"
"Oh no, nothing to be-"
"YOU KNOW, MY EARS? MY FAUNUS EARS? THE ONES UNDER MY BOW?"
Again, Jaune paused. "...Wait, Blake's a-"
"OH SHIT, IS THAT JAUNE? HI, JAUNE! EVERYTHING'S FINE HERE!"
"...Right, I'm just gonna go now, before-"
"No!" Ruby said, taking him by the arm. "My aunt is gonna be here any minute, and you have to meet her! She's super cool!"
Uh oh. "Your aunt?"
"Yeah, my Aunt Qrowe! She's awesome, she taught me everything about how to use a scythe! You two have to meet – I'm sure you'll love each other!"
Oh, they were already way ahead of her, if the previous night was any indication. "...Well, I'd love to, but-"
Ruby shook her head. "No buts, mister! You gotta meet her, c'mon! Please?"
And there it was – the puppy dog eyes. Jaune tried his best to resist, he really did, but it was impossible. Sighing, he resigned himself to his fate.
"...Alright, I'll go."
"Yes!" Ruby said, pumping her fist in victory. She turned back to her team. "Let's go, guys!"
"Ruby, why do we have to go?" Weiss complained. "I have work I want to get done."
"Because I'm the leader, and I say you have to meet my super-cool aunt! So let's go!"
Weiss sighed tiredly, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Alright, fine, I guess I can spare a few minutes."
"ARE WE LEAVING?" Blake shouted. "SOMEONE WRITE THE ANSWER ON A PIECE OF PAPER, ALL I HEAR IS TINNITUS."
Oh great, now the whole team was getting dragged into this. Could this get any worse?
Ruby suddenly frowned, looking at his hand. "Jaune, why are you wearing gloves?"
And it just got worse. "...Uh, it's cold?"
That was just about the worst lie he could possibly think of, but it was better than admitting that it was to cover up his wedding ring. He could have just taken it off, but he was afraid of losing it, and it seemed like it was expensive… and because it was like superglued on or something and refused to come off, and he was afraid to pull on it too hard because he had heard about degloving and it scared the piss out of him.
Do yourself a favor and don't look up what that term means if you don't already know. Like really, this isn't even reverse psychology. Trust me, if you don't know, you're better off not knowing, because it's both awful and will give you a lifelong fear of lathes. You have been warned.
The girls (sans Blake) all gave him a weird look.
"Jaune, it's like seventy degrees in here right now," Yang pointed out.
"...I get cold easily," he lied. "I mean, have you ever seen me without my hoodie? It's because I'm always freezing."
Nice save, Jaune.
"...Right," Yang said. "Anyway, let's go."
Jaune didn't bother to argue. There was no getting out of this one, and it was better to just get it over with.
"WHAT?" Blake asked.
"Aunt Qrowe!"
Jaune watched as Ruby launched herself forward with her semblance, wrapping her arms around her aunt's torso. Qrowe stumbled before stabilizing and looking down at her niece. Ruby grinned widely.
"Did you miss me? Did you?"
Qrowe blinked, then smirked. "Nope," she said, popping the P. She ruffled Ruby's hair, then placed her down on the ground and approached the group.
Her gaze met Jaune's, and both of them froze. Ruby dashed back over to Jaune, looping an arm around him.
"Aunt Qrowe, this is my friend Jaune! I brought him here to meet you! Say hi!"
To her credit, Qrowe regained her composure pretty quickly, offering a hand to him. "Hey there, String Bean. How's it going?"
Jaune took her hand, trying not to react when he felt the ring on her finger through her gloves. He leaned in to whisper in her ear.
"Seriously? 'String Bean'?"
"Just play along."
"Why are you even here?"
"Why are you even here?"
"Because Ruby brought me along and I couldn't say no."
"Puppy-dog eyes?" He nodded, and Qrowe sighed. "She gets those from her mother. Suddenly, I don't blame you, and not just because that's why I'm here." At his confused glance, she added, "Made the mistake of doing a video call with her a few days ago and she asked me to come visit. Couldn't say no."
"Ah. Well, things just got harder, didn't they?"
"Oh, you have no idea."
"Whatcha talking about?" Ruby said, popping up between them, causing them both to quickly separate.
"Oh, uh, nothing," Qrow said, perhaps a bit too quickly. "I, uh… I just happen to know his, uh… older brother?"
Jaune very nearly facepalmed. Seriously, that was the best she could come up with? Was she trying to expose them, and not in the good way?
Weiss gave him a questioning glance. "I thought you only had sisters."
"I do. Qrowe must have mistaken my dad for my older brother, somehow."
"Because she's drunk," Yang pointed out.
"WHAT ABOUT CRUNK?" Blake shouted. "I CAN'T STAND HIP-HOP."
Qrowe gave Blake a questioning glance, but ultimately said nothing, instead just shaking her head and reaching for her flask with a smirk. "Guilty as charged." She looked up, frowning. "Hey, Jaune, you might want to take about four steps to your left."
"Why?"
"Just do it."
Jaune did so, just in time to dodge a nice pile of bird shit that would have landed directly on his head. He gave Qrowe a questioning look, while Yang facepalmed.
"Oh, here we go..." the blonde brawler said.
"What do you mean?" Jaune asked.
"Qrowe's semblance is bad luck. She's literally a walking bad luck charm. Expect stuff like that to keep happening for as long as she's here. And no, she can't turn it off."
Okay, what the fuck? Jaune would be the first to admit that he wasn't exactly up to snuff on his aura studies, but how did that work? Semblances were supposed to be the manifestation of your soul. What the hell did a bad luck semblance say about Qrowe's soul, besides the fact that she had apparently treated LCK as her dump stat and instead put it all into CHA or something? Was this just the universe's way of saying 'fuck you in particular, enjoy causing pain and suffering for others'?
If that was the case, no wonder Qrowe drank so heavily. He couldn't imagine going through life being constantly worried that his own soul was going to cause him nothing but pain, to say nothing of what it would do to his loved ones.
Man, I sure hope that ends up not being as bad as Yang makes it sound like.
Turns out, it actually wasn't as bad as Yang made it out to be.
"Sorry, we're out of Pumpkin Pete's."
It was even worse.
Dejected, Jaune simply took a carton of milk and strode over to the table where his friends and secret girlfriend-slash-wife were sitting.
It had been a day since Qrowe had shown up to Beacon, and things had been absolute hell. All it took for things to go completely tits up was for Qrowe to get within about thirty feet of him, and since she spent most of her time hanging out with her nieces in their room, that meant that she was pretty much always within thirty feet of him. It had been an exercise in frustration, from pencils breaking whenever he tried to do homework to the shower suddenly refusing to run hot to the toilet no longer flushing to Nora accidentally getting a sock into his laundry and turning all his underwear bright pink.
People in the laundry room saw.
"Nice uindies, Jauney Boy."
Cardin may not have been able to leverage his transcripts against him, but that didn't mean he was suddenly out of material. If anything, he now had something even worse to work with.
Still, at least if he tried anything, Jaune could send Qrowe after him. Not to beat him up, mind you, but instead just to hang out outside his team's dorm for like an hour or something. See how they liked a bit of bad luck.
Why was Cardin even in Beacon, anyway? He was nothing but a huge asshole, and it wasn't like nobody knew it either. The teachers totally knew, how couldn't they with how much he bullied people? You'd think they'd crack down on that since negativity attracted Grimm and also because it was only a matter of time before some bullied kid had enough, took their stupid transforming mecha-shift spork or some shit, then went postal on the entire fucking school.
Then again, maybe that wasn't as much of a concern if everyone had aura and weapons of their own, since they could just fight back.
Even then, it was still enormously irresponsible of the teachers to just let that shit go on. You'd think with how strict Goodwitch was that she'd deal with it before it became a problem, but apparently not.
Thanks for nothing, bitch.
Settling in next to his team, Jaune glanced over at Qrowe. Their eyes met, and both of them turned away. It sucked to have to keep their relationship a secret from everyone else. Like, it really sucked.
But that was still no excuse for Qrowe to be drinking at nine in the morning.
"Uh, Aunt Qrowe?" Ruby asked, concerned. "You should probably slow down."
Qrowe pulled her flask away from her mouth with a satisfied sigh, wiping her lips on her sleeve. "Wuzzat, pipsqueak?"
"I said-"
"Yeah, I know. I should slow down. Heard you the first time."
"Then why did you act like-"
"I mean, I'm not gonna listen, but I heard ya."
Ruby pouted, prompting Yang to step in. "Aunt Qrowe, you really should take it easy."
"Whyzat?"
"Because it's starting to look like you have a bit of a problem."
Was she serious? Qrowe was like three drinks in and it wasn't even ten in the morning yet. If that wasn't a problem, Jaune didn't know what was.
And given how much his mom tended to drink back before half the kids had left the house, he was pretty sure he knew how to recognize a drinking problem when he saw one.
Right, time to play the part of the good boyfriend and try to help. Even if nobody else realized what was happening, he should probably step in just to keep his girlfriend from getting alcohol poisoning.
"Uh, Miss Branwen," Jaune said, "you might want to listen to your nieces. Drinking like this can't be good for you."
Qrowe turned towards him, cross-eyed. She squinted. "Izzat Tai?"
"Who?"
"Tai, you big oaf, the fuck're you doing here? Shouldn't you be back on Patch, caring for the mutt and mourning over your two missing loves?"
"Hey!" Yang protested. "Zwei isn't a mutt!"
"Yeah, and Jaune isn't Dad," Ruby added.
Qrowe giggled. "Really? 'Cuz he can be my daddy any time."
Jaune went beet red as the two girls began to dry heave and protest loudly. Weiss, meanwhile, decided to step in, reaching for the bottle in Qrowe's hand.
"I think you've had enough, Miss Branwen."
Qrowe scoffed. "Your mom's had enough."
Weiss sighed. "Yes, I know."
"'Cuz she's an alcoholic."
"I'm aware, and I'd thank you not to bring it up."
"Like, she drinks more than I do."
"Yes, she does."
"I know because we met up in a bar in Atlas and she drank me under the table."
"Yeah, sh- wait, what?"
Qrowe nodded. "Yeah, she got me totally fucked up, and then she took me back to a motel and rocked my world. Shit was intense."
Jaune suddenly had the image of Qrowe in bed with an older-looking Weiss and found himself forced to cover his groin.
Ruby and Yang, meanwhile, exchanged a nervous glance.
"Uh, Aunt Qrowe?" Ruby asked. "Did you… did you really do the dirty with Weiss' mom?"
Qrowe grunted. "Oh, yeah. Shit was so cash. And that means that I'm officially an SDC-approved slam piece. But she never called me back because she's a bitch. And that's why I can't stand the Schnee family, and why Winter doesn't like me."
Weiss closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and released it before opening her eyes once more. "...Okay," she announced. "I think I'm going to leave and go make a scroll call."
"Man, you're taking this pretty well," Nora observed.
"...Right after I TEAR HER THROAT FROM HER NECK!" Weiss shouted, leaping towards Qrowe. Ruby, Yang, Ren, and Pyrrha sprang into action to hold her back. She squirmed in their grip, thrashing around to try and break free. "LET ME AT HER! I'M GONNA GOUGE HER EYES OUT!"
"Suck it, mini-Winter!" Qrowe shouted. "I banged your mom, and it was good! The carpet matches the drapes! She tastes like vanilla and rum down there!"
"That's kind of hot," Blake observed, her hearing apparently having come back at precisely the wrong time.
"You're not helping!" Yang said through gritted teeth. Turning to Jaune, she said, "Get Aunt Qrowe out of here before Weiss gets loose! Go!"
Jaune didn't need to be told twice. He took Qrowe's hand, ignoring her sultry comment about how handholding was oh-so-very lewd, and booked it.
He knew from experience that the only thing worse than bitchy Weiss was angry Weiss, and he would do whatever he could to spare Qrowe from her wrath.
Jaune had heard about how there were different kinds of drunks, but he hadn't ever really thought about the implications of it.
As it turned out, he probably should have.
"Man, look at that guy! Fuckin' ninja!"
Maybe then he would have known how to handle a combination funny-slash-mean drunk like Qrowe.
Jaune sighed. "Ren doesn't like being compared to a ninja, actually. He's Mistralian, so he finds it sort of offens-"
"What?! C'mon, he's totally a ninja!" Qrowe cupped her hands around her mouth. "Hey, ninja boy! Use a jutsu! Make some shadow clones! I wanna see a rasengan!"
Ren looked up towards the stands in confusion, just in time to take a shot to the head courtesy of his opponent. Jaune couldn't help but wince. Down at the arena, Professor Goodwitch scowled.
"Miss Branwen, if you'd please be quiet-"
"What? I'm just excited to watch a match! Haven't seen one in ages!"
She took a huge swig from her flask before pulling it away from her lips, letting out a huge burp that was so loud, Blake was forced to cover her ears with a small whimper. Goodwitch's scowl deepened.
"Miss Branwen, if you'd please-"
"Hey Glynda, what's up with the outfit?" Qrowe asked, raising an eyebrow. "You trying to seduce me?"
"I'm trying to-"
"I knew it! You've got it bad, got it bad, got it bad, you're hot for Branwen!" She turned to Jaune, a huge smile on her face. "Gimme five, husband!" She froze. "...Uh, not that I'm gonna cheat on you or anything..."
Paling, Jaune turned towards Ruby and Yang. "I swear, I have no idea what she's talking about."
Glynda grit her teeth. "Qrowe, I'm warning you. One more outburst-"
"Sorry Goodbitch, but I'm a married woman," Qrowe said proudly, before turning back to Jaune. "Anyway, like I was saying-"
"Okay, that's it," Glynda announced, pushing her glasses up slightly. "Be sure to take notes, class – I'm about to give you all a lesson."
Again, Jaune paled. Oh, Gods, no.
Next to him, Qrowe grinned widely. "Here we go! Ruby, make sure to record this!"
"I don't think-" Ruby began.
She didn't get any farther before Qrowe stood up and launched herself towards Glynda, a cry of 'RemnantStar!' echoing from her lips. The two of them collided in a massive cloud of dust, one which quickly dissipated as they came to blows. A few seats away, Ruby fumbled with her scroll, trying her best to follow her aunt's wish and record everything. Jaune, meanwhile, just sighed.
Can this get any crazier?
"So, would now be a good time to mention that I can – hic – turn into a bird?"
For what had to have been the thousandth time that day, Jaune sighed tiredly. "Yes, Qrowe. You've mentioned it."
"Okay, just wanted to be sure. ...Wanna see me try do it?"
Jaune rolled his eyes. "Okay, let's see it."
Qrowe hiccuped before grinning sheepishly. "Ah, I might be a bit too drunk right now..."
What was it Jaune had said a few weeks earlier – something about being glad his parents hadn't ever taught him to stay away from alcohol? Well, fuck that – now he was glad that he wasn't stupid-slash-depressed enough to chug that shit the same way Qrowe did. If being an avid alcoholic meant being reduced to the state she was in, then he was never going to have another drink for as long as he lived.
Right now, it was just the two of them, in Jaune's room. Ruby and Yang had stayed behind to do damage control with Professor Goodwitch, while everyone else was focused on keeping Weiss away from Qrowe since she was still very butthurt about the fact that Qrowe had – to quote her – taken a ride on the Willow Express.
Jaune, meanwhile, had taken the opportunity to get her away from everyone else, both to keep her from doing something stupid and to protect his own sanity, because dear Gods, he couldn't take much more.
If this was what he could expect from married life, then he just might have to start looking into a divorce. The sex wasn't worth the headaches. She could have his Pumpkin Pete's hoodie if it meant regaining a normal life.
Qrowe coughed. "So, big man, we're all alone. What are we gonna do about that?"
"You're drunk," Jaune deadpanned.
"I'm your wife. That means you've gotta do what I say, and I say drop 'em."
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but sex is the last thing on my mind right now."
"What could be more important than sex?"
"Well, there's the fact that Goodwitch and Weiss probably both want to kill you right now, and Ruby and Yang are probably going to want to kill me if they find out we got hitched, so forgive me if I'm not exactly that horny."
Qrowe pouted. "Way to kill my libido..."
She reached for her flask, only for Jaune to quickly tear it from her hands. Qrowe glared at him.
"Give it back."
"No. You've had enough."
"You don't understand. I'm a drunken master, incapable of performing at my best unless my BAC is at least two times over the legal limit."
"You're a functional alcoholic, and as soon as you're sober, I'm looking into putting you in rehab. How Ruby and Yang haven't already done that is beyond me."
"'Cuz I'm the cool aunt who does all the fun stuff, duh."
"That seems like an awful reason to enable your addiction."
"Hey, you're the only one complaining. Now c'mon, mommy needs her fix."
Jaune raised one eyebrow. "'Mommy?'"
Qrowe instantly froze. Sheepishly, she grinned. "...Uh, surprise?"
Jaune blinked. Was she really saying what he thought she was saying? How did that work, anyway? Hadn't they used a-
Immediately, realization dawned. He groaned, bringing one hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose.
"...When were you planning to tell me the condom broke due to your semblance?"
"Soon, I swear."
Well, there goes one of his kidneys. Mom was going to be pissed.
"How soon?"
"Really soon. Like, really really soon. Now, please-"
"No!"
"But why?" she whined.
"You're pregnant, you dumbass!" Jaune shouted.
Qrowe paused. "...Oh, yeah. Guess I probably shouldn't-"
"You're damn right, you shouldn't!"
"...Sorry."
Jaune sighed. "You're done drinking, you hear me? And not just because you're pregnant. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we're tired of cleaning up after you."
"Alright, you've made your point. No more booze."
"Good."
Jaune pitched the flask over his shoulder. Qrowe winced when it hit the ground, but made no attempts to go after it, much to his relief. He sighed.
"What am I going to do with you?"
A knock at the door interrupted him. Casting one last glance at his wife, Jaune stood up and marched over to it, throwing it open. He found all of his friends and Weiss standing there.
"Aunt Qrowe here?" Ruby asked.
"Inside. Figured it'd be best to get her away from Goodwitch."
"You thought right," Yang replied, stepping into the room. "You have no idea the grilling session we just went through… which is extra embarrassing because it wasn't even our fault this time."
Jaune actually felt bad for her. It was one thing to get chewed out by Goodwitch, but quite another to get chewed out by Goodwitch when what she was chewing you out for wasn't even your fault. Honestly, being Yang at this point was nothing but suffering – like really, her aunt was a drunken mess who thinks she can turn into a bird, her biological mom abandoned her family, her stepmom fucking died, her stepdad lost both of his loves, and her sister was a socially awkward sperglord who probably had diabetes. What next, was she going to fucking lose an arm or something, then have all her friends abandon her? It'd be par for the course at this point.
Truly, being Yang was nothing but suffering.
"Well, that's done and over with," Nora observed. She stepped into the room, then flopped down on her bed. "Anyway, Jauney, how's the wife?"
Instantly, Jaune froze, as did everyone else. They all looked at Nora in shock. The ginger blinked, then grinned sheepishly.
"...Was I not supposed to bring it up?"
"H-how… how did you know?" Jaune asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
"I mean, we all knew," Pyrrha said.
"Yeah, but how?"
"Well, you're both wearing matching gloves that you've never worn before, for one. Plus, we can clearly see the outlines of wedding rings on both of your fingers."
Oh, gods damn it. Serves him right for cheaping out on gloves like that. Groaning, Jaune facepalmed, then turned to Yang and Ruby.
"Right, so this is the part where you both beat me senseless, right?"
The two of them exchanged a glance. "Why would we do that?" Ruby asked.
"...Because I banged your aunt? I drunkenly married your aunt? I kind of got your aunt pregnant by mistake?"
"What?! How did-"
"Semblance broke the condom," Qrowe interrupted.
"...Oh." Ruby looked grossed out for a moment, but quickly shook it off. "Anyway, we don't really care. Qrowe's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions."
Well, that was a relief.
Yang nodded. "Plus, we figure that getting hitched is probably the best thing that could have happened to her. Maybe now she can actually get to work unfucking her life." She turned towards her aunt.
"Hey, I've tried before," Qrowe protested.
"Yeah, but you're a belligerent drunk asshole pseudo-MILF, so it was never going to work. Luckily Jaune's nice, and also desperate enough that he doesn't care you're ridiculously thirsty and willing to settle for a guy a few decades younger than you, to say nothing of how absolutely fucking desperate you had to have been to even go through with this whole marriage thing in the first place. Just how drunk were you two, anyway?"
"On a scale of one to ten, I'd place it at around your dad and Raven's wedding."
Yang's jaw dropped. "...Holy shit."
"Yeah, I know."
"I feel like I should be offended, both at the fact that you're insulting me and that you're insulting my wife," Jaune pointed out.
"Oh? And what are you gonna do about it?" Yang asked.
"You're grounded."
Yang blinked. "...On who's authority?"
"Mine, since I'm your new uncle. Now go to your room."
Yang's jaw dropped. She looked over to Qrowe, who shrugged.
"He's got you there."
Yang pouted. "...Gods dammit."
Reluctantly, she turned and stomped over to her room, then slammed the door shut behind her. Jaune smirked softly.
After months of being called Vomit Boy, it was good to finally have Yang's kryptonite.
He didn't get a chance to enjoy it before Ruby launched herself at him, wrapping him up in a big hug.
"Wha- Ruby! What are you doing?!"
"Uncle Jaune!" she shouted. "I have an uncle now!"
"Why are you all so okay with this?!" Jaune shouted.
"I'm not," Weiss pointed out.
"Why is everybody that actually matters so okay with this?!"
"Hey!"
Jaune wasn't sorry. Honestly, did anyone even like Weiss? Somehow, he just knew that even if they were to all go to Atlas, she would still be nothing but a supporting character in the cast of life.
Man, speaking of, it would sure be embarrassing if they all had to go to Atlas at some point and Weiss ended up being upstaged by literally everyone else in her family. Then again, that would just be Weiss meeting expectations yet again – she was such a jobber that losing even when it was her time to shine would surprise literally nobody.
Man, forget Yang - Weiss' life was nothing but suffering. But she was kind of an asshole, so it was fine.
Everyone ignored Weiss' seething in favor of answering Jaune's question.
"I'm just happy to have more family!" Ruby said.
Blake shrugged. "I don't really care because none of this affects me in any way."
Ren was stone-faced. "Hey, whatever makes you happy."
"At least you're actually getting some now," Nora said.
Pyrrha poked her index fingers together. "...You know, I could probably hook you up with a great lawyer if you ever wanted a divorce."
Man, talk about something that had started off weird and just kept getting weirder. Yet somehow, Jaune felt that something was missing.
"You know, it's funny," he said aloud.
"What is?" Qrowe asked.
"I can't explain it, but I can't help but feel like this is all really… I don't know, benign? Like something a lot crazier should be happening right now, possibly something so crazy that it just fucking kills me."
"That's dumb."
"Is it? Because I'm sure that I've experienced something like this before, I just can't place where."
"Well, I think you can rest easy, knowing that nothing weird is about to-"
The sound of running feet from down the hall caught their attention, causing them all to turn towards the door. To their surprise, it was none other than Winter Schnee, who paused in the doorframe with her sabre in her hand, glaring at Qrowe.
"Qrowe," she growled. "I've finally found you."
"Hey, Winnie," Qrowe greeted.
"Shut up, homewrecker! I'm here to kill you!"
Jaune blinked, then turned towards Weiss. "Scroll call?"
"Scroll call," she answered.
"Wait, Aunt Qrowe and Winter don't like each other?" Ruby asked. "But I thought they kind of had a crush on each other."
Now, Jaune liked Ruby, but that was one of the dumbest things he had ever heard anyone say.
Honestly, who thought that two people hating each other was evidence of them wanting to bang? That was just stupid. What next, was Cardin going to ask Velvet out?
With a shout, Winter launched herself towards Qrowe, point-first. Unfortunately, she was in such a hurry that she didn't notice one of Nora's old syrup bottles lying on the floor, likely there because of Qrowe's semblance. She tripped over it, causing her to tumble out of control, her course irreversibly altered. Instead of skewering Qrowe, her sword ending up buried in something else.
Namely, Jaune's chest.
Jaune blinked at the sword protruding from his chest. Slowly, he looked towards his wife.
"Hey, Qrowe?"
"Uh, yeah Jaune?"
Clearly, she was unused to staring at someone with several feet of sharpened steel sticking out of them. Jaune took a deep breath.
"I just want you to know, I want a divorce."
With that, he keeled over. Just before the life left him, one final thought raced through his head.
Wow, this drunken marriage thing sure was fucking stupid.
Somehow this ended up being way longer than I intended, but them's the breaks. So much for "chapters will most likely stay under 10k words", I guess.
Anyway, here's the first R63 chapter. I tried to do a bit more with Qrowe than just focusing on her perpetual drunkenness, since I felt like that would get stale very quickly, though I made sure to include some of it because come on, how can you write something for Qrowe and not include her being drunk? That's just wrong.
Speaking of wrong, I should take the time to say that there are certain characters I will definitely be doing, which includes Salem. I'm specifically pointing out Salem because a few of you seem concerned that I won't do her, and while I understand your concern, I'm going to state flat-out that it would be just plain wrong of me not to include Salem in this fic. She will be done eventually, but only when my muse decides to cooperate, same as any of the other characters. And if you're wondering why I keep using that as an excuse, it's because the last thing I want is to force out a chapter - I'd rather be in the zone for the character and write what comes naturally, since I think those chapters tend to turn out better. Still, I appreciate that you're all looking forward to that chapter, and I will be working to get it out as soon as I possibly can.
I'd like to give a quick shout-out to everyone who pointed out that Stress Relief is something I should read, because you were all correct, and it was fantastic. Definitely one of my new favorite Coeur stories.
Other than that, I don't have much else.
Next update: Saturday, February 22nd.