Problems With Dating The RWBY Girls
Chapter 10: Eve (Adam R63), or: This Chapter is Bullshit
Jaune was no stranger to a lot of things. That was just nature of being on a team with Nora, he supposed – weird shit tended to happen to you. Sometimes you woke up and stepped in syrup. Sometimes Nora tried to break your legs for some imagined slight. You know, the usual. Point is, he thought he had experienced pretty much everything. Today had proven him wrong, though.
Because nothing could have prepared him for this.
Not even his hours upon hours of playing erotic visual novels, despite how similar this situation was to some of them.
The woman in front of him leered at him from behind her mask, placing one hand on the hilt of her sword. "What is this, Elisa? I hate everything I'm looking at."
Behind him, the massive woman leaned on her chainsword. "We found him snooping around the warehouses, Eve. We think he's a spy."
Okay, that was about as far from the truth as it got, because he didn't even know who these people were. The truth was, he was just trying to clear his head with a walk around town – Cardin had him on a tight leash thanks to that garbage with his transcripts, so he figured a good stroll would clear his head. Without thinking, he had stumbled into the bad part of town, and apparently accidentally interrupted some meeting between various masked individuals.
Now, Jaune would be the first to admit that he wasn't the most astute person in the world, but even he knew that when you accidentally stumbled upon a group of angry-looking people decked out in masks and huddling over a table in some warehouse somewhere, you didn't stick around. So he ran, definitely without leaving a trail of pee behind him.
Unfortunately, they ended up catching him anyway. He was pretty sure one of those girls (they were all women) was part cheetah, so it only made sense.
What? Don't look at him like that – he may have been sheltered growing up, but even he knew what a Faunus was. He wasn't completely stupid – not knowing aura was pretty stupid, he would admit, but not knowing about Faunus? That would have been downright retarded.
Anyway, needless to say, they had caught him and dragged him back to their base. It was actually kind of hot, being bound and gagged by a bunch of women who could kick his ass. Like something out of Blake's porn.
It stopped being hot when they had dropped him in front of the big woman with the massive chainsword, massive muscles, and massive double-D titties, mainly because she was awful at interrogation.
"You see this chainsword?! I'm gonna cut off your little bitty testicles with this chainsword!"
If he weren't gagged, he would have told her to stop trying so hard, because it was unbecoming of a majestic creature such as herself.
Hey, she may have been holding him hostage, but he had a type, okay?
...Though, if he had to admit, the redhead in front of him was doing all sorts of things to his tombstone. Like, come on, she was basically wearing a bathrobe. Sure, it marked her as a huge weeb, but it was also showing off the top of her breasts slightly, and hot damn, it was nice.
It was also ridiculous as hell. Like, really, a robe? What next, a black-and-red leather suit? Come on, dude.
The woman scowled, then motioned towards the big woman. "Leave us, Elisa."
Elisa nodded. "By your command."
The door shut behind her, leaving just Jaune and the redheaded bull Faunus. She stared at him from behind her mask; he blinked. After a few seconds, she scowled, then approached him and reached for her sword.
"Stand still."
His eyes widened. This was it, then – here lies Jaune Arc, he never scored and he got killed by a smoking hot redhead. He closed his eyes, waiting for the end to come. The sword whistled through the air, but rather than kill him, he felt the gag fall away from his mouth. Confused, he opened his eyes, only to find Eve sheathing her sword.
"I have questions for you," she stated.
Okay, obviously she was trying to be all ominous and shit, but Jaune was going to have to pump the brakes, because now he wanted some answers.
"Did you really have to do that?"
Eve paused. "...What?"
"That thing, with your sword," Jaune asked. "Like, I get that you were trying to be cool, but it just made you seem edgy, you know?"
"What are you-"
"Also, what if you had missed? You could have cut me, or smashed some of my teeth in. If you're trying to interrogate me, that would have been a good way to end it quickly, you know?"
"I'm not sure I-"
"And speaking of that, I'm not sure what you expect me to know, considering that I just kind of stumbled upon you all."
"Shut the fu-"
"All I'm saying is, this operation has been pretty sub-par from the start. You've all been trying to scare me, but all you've managed to do is give me a fetish for femdom, so-"
"Enough!" Eve shouted, finally getting him to stop talking. She exhaled sharply. "Here's how this is going to work: I'm going to ask a question, and then you're going to answer."
"And then you'll let me go?" Jaune asked, hopeful.
"No."
Well, it was worth a shot. "...Alright, ask away."
"What were you doing at the warehouse?"
"Going for a walk, I swear," Jaune said.
"A walk?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"A walk that just so happened to take you to our headquarters, where we were planning an in-depth operation?"
"Affirmative."
"A walk that took you past our sentries, none of whom saw you enter?"
"Correct."
She scowled. "That's bullshit."
Heh, bullshit. Get it?
He bit his tongue to keep from making a jab at her Faunus heritage. "...I mean, it kind of sounds like it, but it's true. Would you believe me if I said that I had no idea where I was going?"
"No."
"Well, I had no idea where I was going. 'Cuz, you know, my mind was elsewhere. I'm a Beacon student, you see, and-"
Immediately, Eve perked up. "A Beacon student?"
"Uh, yeah. So, there's this guy-"
"Do you know Blake Belladonna, by any chance?"
Well, that was just rude. He was trying to tell a story, and this incredibly attractive bitch kept interrupting him. "Yes, now if you don't mind-"
"What is your relation to her?"
Wow, that was annoying. Was this what it felt like earlier, when he kept interrupting her? Suddenly, he felt a lot more sympathetic towards her. Frankly, it was a miracle she hadn't bashed his teeth in with her sword then and there.
"She's a friend, okay?"
"A friend?"
"Yeah, she-"
He paused. Actually, were they even friends? They didn't exactly do friend things together – you know, chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, maybe shooting some b-ball outside the school? They didn't really do any of that; all Blake really did was read porn and write angsty poetry that she thought nobody else knew about, but that they all actually knew about, and occasionally read aloud to each other when they wanted a laugh. Come to think of it, when was the last time Blake did anything with anyone? She spent most of her time by herself, with her only interactions with people being to shoot Weiss sideways glances for some reason. Did she even talk with Ruby?
Did anyone even like Blake? Jaune was honestly starting to wonder. Now that he thought about it, she was kind of a shitty person.
Also, her bow sometimes twitched, which was just weird. Nobody else had brought it up though, so it must not have been important.
Coming back to reality, Jaune shook himself out of his stupor. "...Yeah, I know of her."
"You know of her," Eve echoed.
"Yeah, she's… a person. That I'm aware of."
"There's no relationship between you two?"
"No, there's not. Not even a little."
"Did you even know she was a cat Faunus?"
She was? Huh. Guess that explained the bow.
...Now that he thought about it, man, that was a shitty disguise. What kind of asshole tried to hide their kitty ears with a bow that looked just like kitty ears? Fucking stupid.
"...I mean, I do now," Jaune answered.
"Really?"
"Honestly, I'm not even sure if I like her or not – she's said like two sentences to me since I've been at school."
Behind her mask, Eve scowled. "...I think you're lying."
"Lady, I couldn't be telling the truth any harder if I tried."
"You're really laying it on thick."
Well, it was starting to look like he wasn't going to be able to convince her, and that meant he was probably a dead man. But if he was going to die, he could at least figuratively spit in her eye first.
"So are you, you fucking hot edgelord," he countered.
"...What?"
Jaune froze. That seemed like a pretty macho thing to say up until he actually said it and realized it likely meant she was now going to kill him twice as hard.
Well, shit. Better think of something smart to get yourself out of this mess, you dumbass.
What he thought of was 'Hey, I think Blake is outside, and she's not wearing any underwear'.
What he said wasn't that.
"Uh, nothing."
Smooth, Jaune.
"You're shit at lying, you know that?" Eve said, shaking her head. "Anyway, I can tell how this is going to go, so I guess I should just kill you now."
She began to unsheathe her sword, and Jaune's eyes widened. "W-wait!"
To his surprise, she did. "Yes?"
"...Don't I get a last request?"
She exhaled. "...Fine." Her sword slid back into place with a click. "What do you want? And make it fast."
Be smart about this one, Jaune. Stall for time – maybe Pyrrha will come investigate, and then they can take her hostage instead of you.
"...Uh, well, why don't you explain just what's going on here?"
Gods, it felt even dumber to say it out loud. He could have sworn his IQ just dropped ten points, merely by saying that.
Again, Eve blinked. "What?'
"Yeah, you know, you're about to kill me, but I don't know anything about this organization, so why don't you fill me in? You know, like a James Pond movie – the villain always explains their plan, only this time you actually kill the hero instead of letting them escape."
"...This is your last request?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Really?"
"Lay it on me."
She breathed heavily. "Alright, fine. We're the White Fang, a Faunus supremacy group. We're dedicated to the eradication of humanity due to centuries of our species' mistreatment at their hands. We will accomplish this by committing a multitude of terrorist acts, all of which will serve to set humanity back and doubtlessly lead to many dead people. Faunus akbar, inshallah, salil al sawarim, and all that." With that, her hand drifted back down to her sheathed sword. "Now, if you don't mind-"
Jaune blinked. "...That's your plan?"
Eve facepalmed. "Yes, now shut up so I can-"
"Well, it's a stupid plan."
"Oh? And I suppose you have a better plan?"
"Actually, yes."
"Well, this'll be good." To Jaune's relief, she took her hand off her sword.
But to his horror, she cupped her hands around her mouth, then shouted.
"Hey, Elise! Get the girls in here – the human said our plan is stupid and he has a better one!"
Well, shit. So much for his plan of getting out of this with his dignity intact. White Fang members began to file into the room, each of them taking up positions around him to listen in. Suddenly, Jaune felt a lot more apprehensive about his plan.
"Well?" Eve said. "We're waiting."
Well, no sense in postponing it. Jaune swallowed nervously. "...So, your plan is to kill all humans, right?"
"Obviously."
"...There's a better way, you know."
"Oh? Do tell."
Suddenly, he was having second thoughts. This was a fucking stupid plan. They would probably kill him the instant they heard him say it, and he couldn't blame them. Hell, he wanted to kill himself just for thinking of it, it was so stupid.
But desperate times called for desperate measures, so here went nothing.
"...Well, when a Faunus and a human breed, Faunus genes are dominant, right? So, if a Faunus got together with a human, it would almost certainly result in another Faunus. So why don't you all just woo however many humans you can, then outbreed them over several generations?"
He expected laughter.
He was terrified when he didn't get any. Instead, looking around, he saw all the White Fang deep in thought.
Including Eve, much to his horror.
"...You may have a point," Eve conceded.
"O-of course I do!" Jaune shouted, seizing the opportunity presented to him. "Why risk the lives of your own people trying to fight humanity when you could subvert them in a non-violent way? Spread love! Demographics, destiny, all that bullshit – ah, no offense."
"...None taken," Eve said, much to his surprise. "You've… given me a lot to think about, human."
Seriously? Just how stupid were these people? Nevertheless, Jaune nodded. "So, does this mean you're still going to kill me?"
To his relief, she shook her head. "No."
He breathed deeply.
"But I'm not letting you go, either."
"...What."
Eve flashed him a grin, one with far too many teeth. "No, I have other plans for you, human. After hearing what you had to say, I must admit that you're right – there is a better way, one that doesn't expose my people to danger. And who am I to turn my nose up at an opportunity like that?"
Jaune felt a chill go down his spine. Suddenly, he felt like he might have just made things worse.
Eve turned to the crowd around her, stretching out her arms. "My sisters, you know what you must do! Go out, and be the best waifus you can!"
A loud cheer went out through the crowd before they all went stampeding out the building. Jaune felt his heart sink into his stomach.
What fresh hell had he just unleashed on Remnant?
He heard something come clattering to the floor in front of him; turning, he found that Eve had dropped her sword. He swallowed nervously.
"Uh, Eve? What are you doing?"
Again, she grinned at him. Somehow it had even more teeth than before. "Don't play dumb – you were the one to recommend this course of action, so it's only fair I use you as the test subject."
Oh, Gods, she was going to rape him. Could this get any worse?
"Also, you're clearly Blake's boyfriend, so I'm going finally going to get my revenge on her for breaking up with me by stealing her from you."
Oh, Gods, it just got worse. She was delusional and horny.
Oh, and she also wanted to have sex, too.
Again, he swallowed nervously. "Now, listen-"
She gently shushed him as she stepped in close, cupping his cheek with one hand and smirking at him. "Shhh, my little human – soon, you will have done your part to secure a future for our people. It will all be over soon. Who knows, you may even find that you like it."
With that, she put one hand on his chest and gently shoved him backwards so he was lying on the floor. Jaune struggled against his bonds, but it was no use – Elise had tied him up tight. There was no escape. He watched with horror as Eve removed her belt, then began to tug at her robe. Slowly, she pulled it off.
And almost instantly, Jaune's struggles stopped.
Oh, she had been hot before, but now? She was like the surface of the sun. Toned, yet also curvy; a perfect hourglass figure, her abs faintly outlined against her stomach, and most importantly, what little carpet there was absolutely matched the drapes.
What's going on in my pants? Mission Control, we have liftoff.
Eve stared at him, licking her lips. "Like what you see?"
He didn't. Of course he didn't; that would be wrong. She was a terrorist, one who until he popped a stiffy had been about to force herself on him in order to get him to impregnate her, and-
...What was the problem with this, again? Obviously there was one, but all the blood had gone from his brain to his dick, so he wasn't thinking clearly at the moment. Instead, he nodded. Eve's smirk widened.
"Then you're going to love what happens next."
Oh, he most certainly did.
It took a few weeks, but Jaune was finally able to go back to Beacon. Not because Eve was holding him hostage or anything – he just didn't want to leave, mainly because they had done nothing but fuck for the last few weeks, and aside from being very dehydrated, he felt great. But all fun things had to come to an end, and in this case, the 'end' was in the form of Pyrrha somehow tracking down his mom's number and threatening to call her if Jaune didn't come back to Beacon right now. So, he had reluctantly called an end to his and Eve's weeks-long fuckfest, much to both of their displeasure – him because the sex was coming to an end, and her because she wasn't pregnant yet.
That was a weird thing to say about the woman who had captured him and tried to kill him, but he had stopped caring after his fifth orgasm.
Of course, going back to Beacon wasn't going to be as easy as he initially thought, mainly because Eve had a condition for him going back.
"Jaune, what the fuck is this?!" Blake screamed, drawing her sword and pointing it ahead with shaking arms.
Behind her mask, Eve rolled her one good eye. "Oh look, Blake is here to play the role of the crazy ex-girlfriend. How nice."
"What?! You're the crazy ex-girlfriend, you psycho bitch!"
"I'm not the one pointing a weapon at somebody. I get that I broke up with you and cucked you by stealing your man, but there's no reason to get violent about it."
"I broke up with you! And Jaune isn't my boyfriend!"
Yup, this was already a disaster. Tentatively, Jaune took a step backwards to try and get away, but Eve simply reached out and grabbed him by the shoulder, holding him there. He heaved a sigh of resignation, knowing that this was only going to get worse.
They hadn't even made it off the airship landing zone yet. Just his luck that he would run into Blake on the way in.
Eve suddenly smirked, then turned towards Jaune. "Hey, I have an idea."
Oh, Gods… "Do I even want to know?"
"Just roll with it, my man of miscegenation."
And then she was pressing her lips against his in what had to be one of the most passionate kisses the two of them had ever shared. Like, seriously, it was hot – she was using her tongue and everything, even running it over his teeth. Suddenly, he felt the need to both plant some seeds and also pull away because good Gods, he needed some air.
After a solid minute, Eve pulled away, brushing off the thin trail of saliva that still connected them. Jaune stood there, dumbfounded, as she looped her arm around his, leaned her head on his shoulder, and gave Blake a wide smirk.
"Good dental work," Eve reported.
Blake simply stood there, jaw almost touching the floor. "...What the fuck? Jaune, are you dating Eve Taurus?"
"Oh, we're far past the point of dating," Eve reported proudly. "Jaune is going to get me pregnant."
"What?! Jaune, is that true?!"
His mind said yes.
His mouth said, "Why do you care?"
But in his defense, it was a fair question.
Eve smirked. "Yeah, Blake, why do you care? He's not your boyfriend anymore."
"He was never my boyfriend! Jaune, tell her we were never dating!"
"We were never dating," Jaune said honestly.
Eve frowned. "Jaune, what did I say about lying to me?"
"...If I do it, no more anal for a week?"
"That's right."
Jaune blinked, then turned back to Blake. "I'm sorry, but it's just not going to work out between us anymore. I'm sure you understand."
"Wha- Jaune, don't fake a relationship with me just because you want anal with your terrorist girlfriend!" Blake protested.
"Who's faking, besides me with all the orgasms you failed to give me?"
Ignoring Blake's seething, he turned to Eve for guidance. She nodded, then waved her hand encouragingly. Clearly, she was enjoying this.
Jaune was too, because again, did anyone even like Blake? Easily the worst girl on Team RWBY, and that was saying a lot considering that Weiss was also on it. Weiss may have been a complete chestlet by comparison, but at least she had some redeeming qualities like… uh… well, she was nice during those five minutes a day when she wasn't being frosty, whereas Blake was always kind of standoffish and tough to get along with.
Truly, she was just a shitty kitty. A fecal feline. A poopy pussycat. A number-two tabby. In any case, Jaune certainly had no regrets doing this to her, and not just because the alternative was not being able to plunder his cowgirl's sunken caverns.
Where was he? Oh right, taunting Blake. Honestly, he probably shouldn't have been having as much fun as he was, but if he was going to lie for anal, he might as well enjoy it.
The lying, that is. Not the anal. At least, not yet.
"Yeah, sorry, Blake," Jaune announced, stretching his arms out and placing one over Eve's shoulder, then pulling her close. "But I've finally found someone who enjoys me for me."
"What are you saying?" Blake questioned, exasperated.
"You know, she doesn't try to change who I am. She respects the fact that I prefer comics over books."
"Oh, come on! I only made fun of you for that one time!"
Yeah, because she was a bitch.
"You even laughed about it!"
...Well, if you can't laugh at yourself… not that he was going to admit to it given the circumstances.
"...Nuh uh," he replied.
"Oh, don't start, Arc! This isn't a childish argument!"
"Really? Because I think it's very childish. I guess that makes me a child, and if I'm a child, then that makes you a pedophile."
"That doesn't even make sense! We've never even had sex, you ass!"
Jaune turned to Eve. "Hear that, babe? She's so unlikable that she can't even convince a little boy to sleep with her."
"What the fuck, Jaune?!"
Eve smirked, turning back towards Blake. "Well, I've about had my fill of this conversation, so I guess we should head inside now."
"Oh, no you don't!" Blake announced, raising her sword once again. "I'm putting a stop to this, once and for-"
"Actually, no you're not," came a voice from beside them.
Turning, they all found Ozpin standing there, coffee mug in one hand and a small stack of papers in the other. Approaching, he stopped just in front of Blake, who stared at him in confusion.
"Professor Ozpin? Sir, you have to do something – that's Eve Taurus!"
"Yes, I am aware," he announced before taking a sip of coffee.
Blake paused. "...So, aren't you going to do something about that? She's kind of Remnant's most wanted terrorist-"
"Was Remnant's most wanted terrorist," Ozpin interrupted. "Now, she's Remnant's most up-and-coming Beacon student."
"WHAT?!"
Jaune winced. If he didn't know any better, he would have thought Blake's shout had broken glass somewhere.
"Who did that?!" Yang shouted from across campus. "Which one of you dead motherfuckers just broke my bike's windshield with your bitchy whining?!"
Never mind, then. Man, Blake just couldn't catch a break today, could she?
Was this… was this what it felt like to watch someone else be the universe's punching bag for once? It was honestly surreal – Jaune was so used to things going completely tits-up for him that seeing it happen to someone else was a bigger surprise than that time Pyrrha accidentally sent him photos of herself in her underwear.
"Professor Ozpin, you can't be serious!" Blake protested.
"Oh, I am quite serious," Ozpin replied, showing Blake the papers in his hand. "She sent in an application and everything."
"But she's a terrorist! She's killed people!"
"I've taught worse."
"Wha- you have?!"
"I taught the Branwen Twins."
"...I don't know who they are."
"I taught Glynda."
"Ah." Blake paused. "...Well, that still doesn't excuse letting in Eve!"
"Now, now, Miss Belladonna, I'm sure you can work something out."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, Beacon is no stranger to polyamory given the existence of Team STRQ, so I'm sure you, Miss Taurus, and Mister Arc can figure out an arrangement-"
Blake's rage-filled shout left Jaune deaf for the rest of the day.
Jaune really should have thought about what bringing Eve to Beacon would entail. He figured that Blake would be unhappy and had deemed that a necessary sacrifice for the greater good, but there was one thing he had forgotten to take into account, that being which team Eve would end up on. Thankfully, Ozpin had thought of that.
Sitting at the breakfast table, everyone stared at Eve incredulously – Weiss and Blake for obvious reasons, Yang and Ruby because the rest of their team was unhappy with her, and Pyrrha, Ren, and Nora because Jaune had kicked them out the night before in order to get some.
Hey, they may have been his friends, but he had needs. Unless they wanted to get a face-full of his ass, they were better off sleeping on Team RWBY's floor that night. And the next night. And the next night. And the next night.
...Maybe he ought to see if he could get Ozpin to give him his own room or something.
Weiss loudly cleared her throat. "Dating a terrorist is one thing, but must you do that at the table?"
Eve finished dragging her tongue up the side of Jaune's face to turn to Weiss, a smirk on her face. "What's the matter, Schnee? Can't handle a little public display of affection? Just for that, I hope you meet a wonderful Faunus, enter into a beautiful relationship with him, and have many healthy children together."
Obviously, now that she had directed her racism towards breeding with humanity rather than destroying humanity, Eve's racist insults had become less than effective.
Still, it was better than her being a complete edgelord, like Jaune had expected. Seriously, she had blood-red hair, wore all red and black, wore a Grimm mask, and used a katana. All she needed to do was talk about magic eye powers and how this wasn't even her final form and she could have completed the weaboo image, and then Jaune would probably have to break up with her because good Gods, no amount of mind-blowing sex could make up for that cringe.
But thankfully he had managed to run into her and give her the dick before she had started practicing her hand signs or whatever, so he had spared Remnant that fate.
Man, he had better get some recognition for everything he was doing for the world. He had both single-handedly improved race relations by like a hundred times and he had prevented the rise of the biggest weeb who had ever weebed. If that wasn't worth a fucking medal, then nothing was.
Anyway, Weiss ignored the 'insult', as had most of the people who had been on the receiving end of one over the past day or so. "That was more than just a simple PDA, and you know it. It's indecent!"
"Nobody else seems to mind."
"Actually-" Ruby began.
Eve turned to her with a harsh glare, which made the scythe-wielder shrink back. "...ActuallyIDon'tSeeTheProblemWeissShutUp!"
Yang slammed her hands on the table. "Did you just intimidate my baby sister?!"
"I merely glanced in her general direction," Eve retorted. "Not my fault she interpreted that in some other way."
"That's it! I can handle you making three other people sleep in our room, treating Jaune like a piece of meat, pissing off Weiss, and nearly making Blake have an aneurysm, but when you target Ruby, it's go time! You and me, in the ring!"
Eve scoffed. "Oh, please. Like I would waste time with you."
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"It means you're a hotheaded weakling who thinks before she acts. Put us in the ring together and who knows what I would do? For all we know, I might accidentally cut off your arm or something."
Oddly specific. At that, Jaune decided to step in. "Uh, girls? Why don't we just simmer down a bit?"
He meant that literally – Yang's semblance had activated, causing her hair to start blazing. Nora was even roasting a marshmallow over it. Any longer and the smoke alarms were going to activate, like that time he had beaten her at a fighting game and taunted in real life.
Sure, it was petty, but he never won anything. He was going to take what he could get, which in that case was demanding that she show him her moves.
...Now that he thought about it, never winning at anything was probably also why he insisted on staying with Eve even though she was both baby crazy and regular crazy. In his defense, the universe had seen fit to drop a smoking hot redhead into his lap – and he now meant that quite literally – and he wasn't about to argue with it for fear of making her go back to her old ways. Somehow, he had managed to make the White Fang go from Remnant's most dangerous terrorist group to, basically, the short bus of Remnant's terrorist groups, and even though Weiss quite frankly deserved a spanking or something for how she had been acting like such a bitch, he would very much like it if nobody was trying to kill her.
...And at that moment, Jaune realized that he could never, ever break up with Eve, because doing so might cause her to revert back to her violent ways.
Well, at least the sex was both mind-blowing and penis-destroying… uh, in a good way. As in, the 'She beat the fuck out of my dick so Gods-damned hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb', kind of way, not the cock-and-ball torture kind of way.
Across from him, Blake glared. "We're far past the point of simmering down, Jaune."
"Look, just because we broke up-"
"Fuck you."
Eve suddenly grinned. It was a victorious grin, of somebody who had just come in first in something. She had won the Jaunebowl, even though she was actually the only one who was ever competing. Still, that wasn't going to stop her from rubbing it in. She leaned in, giving Jaune a kiss on the cheek.
Honestly, did she even believe her own bullshit (get it?), or was she just doing this because it happened to piss Blake off? He might have to have a talk with her about it – for one, teasing Blake was getting old, as jokes that went on for too long tended to do. For another, Pyrrha looked like she was about to cry for some reason, which he could only assume was because she hated seeing her friends fighting.
Poor Pyrrha, always caught in the middle of everything.
...Huh, that was strange. Suddenly, he felt like he had encountered another joke that had started to get old, but for the life of him he couldn't tell what it was.
Down the table, Ren suddenly rolled his eyes, then pulled out his scroll. To Jaune's surprise, Ren snapped a picture of him and Eve, then began typing something on his scroll before sending a message to someone.
"Uh, what are you doing?" Jaune asked.
"Ending this farce," Ren announced. "I'm sorry, but this has gone on too long."
There was a long pause. After a moment, Nora cleared her throat and turned to him.
"You, uh, gonna tell us what you just did?"
"Oh, you'll see eventually. For now, I'll just continue to be ominous about it."
Eve shrugged. "You humans are so weird. But still, at least you make good lovers thanks to your big human cocks."
Ruby choked on her milk. Weiss shot her a sympathetic look before turning to Eve. "I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I said you make good lovers thanks to your big human cocks… well, the men, of course."
"I see," Yang said. "...And your basis for this is…?"
"The videos on that new site, Faunus'd dot com. Jaune and I like to watch them to get in the mood. Our favorite is one called 'Poor Little Human Guy', featuring one very lucky man and about a half-dozen of the White Fang's best waifus – the production values are excellent, and at the same time the plot is very relatable."
"Uh, Eve?" Jaune said, his face flushing red. "Porn isn't indicative of real life."
"You mean there aren't any sexy singles in my area? But then how am I supposed to hook Elise up with somebody?"
"I'm sure she'll find a good partner one day."
Not likely, unfortunately – bisexual, muscular, chainsword-obsessed Faunus women were already a pretty narrow subset on the fetish hierarchy, and even though Elise had been hunting for a mate for a few days now, most of them didn't seem to enjoy being chased the same way Elise enjoyed chasing them.
Which was sad, because she was actually pretty sweet when she wasn't talking about how much she wanted to hatefuck Winter Schnee. Hopefully, her dry spell would end and she would make somebody very happy, but unfortunately Jaune wasn't holding his breath.
"Wait, Faunus'd dot com?" Blake asked, with slowly growing horror. "Should I even ask what that is?"
"It's a site dedicated entirely to Faunus/human couples," Eve announced proudly. "It just launched, and I'm happy to say that it's already become Remnant's most popular porn site."
It ought to be, considering that the White Fang had diverted literally all of their funding into making the site that popular.
Also, just to reiterate: This was all happening because Jaune pointed out that the Faunus could outbreed humanity. He had intended to stall for time, and nothing more. How was he supposed to know they would take his idea and run with it? This was almost too stupid to be real.
"That sounds very specific," Nora pointed out.
"Yeah, specifically amazing," Eve countered. "Do you have any idea how many Faunus are now interested in humans because they've seen what the big human dick can do?"
Funny how just a few weeks ago she had wanted to kill him. Now here she was, advocating for mixed-race relationships.
Not for a good reason, mind you, but Jaune wasn't going to complain so long as it saved lives… or, in this case, created them.
Man, the baby boom in nine months was going to be interesting… but not as interesting as the inevitable section in the history books about this whole thing. Jaune wondered if he was going to get a mention as the man who single-handedly saved race relations with the power of his dick, because again, he fucking better. He had basically moved civil rights forward by like thirty years with one sentence, so some appreciation would be nice.
"What…?" Blake asked, stunned. "You… do you have any idea what something like that is going to do to our reputation?!"
"Faunus already have a good reputation, if the site's success is any indication," Eve pointed out.
"Yeah, as cock sleeves! Damn it, Faunus are a proud and noble race! We are not lewd!"
"Blake, you're dressed like a prostitute," Jaune pointed out.
"Wha- so is Pyrrha! And Ruby! Why am I the only one getting called out?!"
Because it was fun to mess with her.
Huh, what do you know? Apparently, the joke hadn't gotten old just yet. It was like that time they had all found Blake's smut and went around comparing things to katanas for a month.
"You represent our race to a certain degree," Eve said. "You are the princess of Menagerie, after all."
Everyone turned towards Blake, confused.
"You're a princess?" Weiss asked.
"Not exactly," Blake replied. "My mom and dad rule Menagerie, so-"
"What the fuck?! And you called me an upper-class, prissy brat! You're just a hypocrite!"
"Oh, come on! The two of us are nothing alike!"
Jaune tapped Eve on the shoulder. "I think we should go before this gets ugly."
She smirked from behind her mask, which she continued to insist she wear for some reason. "Lead the way, my work here is done."
The two snuck off just as Weiss and Blake resorted to fisticuffs while everyone else cheered them on.
Apparently, he wasn't the only one who thought they were both competing for the spot of worst girl.
Getting away from the others had been a good move, but unfortunately Jaune hadn't accounted for the other team he would have to deal with.
"Hey, Jauney Boy," Cardin sneered, leaning in. "Who's the cow?"
Jaune sighed, annoyed. "She's my girlfriend."
"Girlfriend? Didn't know you were into bestiality, Jauney."
Jaune turned to Eve, praying that she wasn't about to cut Cardin in half. To his surprise, she seemed to be taking it rather well, simply standing there next to him. Her hand wasn't even on her sword.
"Yes, she's my girlfriend," Jaune repeated. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't insult her, as would she."
Eve rolled her one good eye. "Jaune, now is no time to be a gentleman. Let me handle this."
"Please, no."
His plea went ignored. Eve stepped in front of him, sizing up Cardin. It wasn't much of a staredown on her part, as even with her height, Cardin still towered over her. He sneered at her.
"The fuck you want, animal?"
"Oh, nothing," Eve said. She looked him over from head to toe before returning her gaze to his face. "My, you are an absolute unit, aren't you?"
Cardin guffawed. "Hear that, Jauney Boy? Your girl's into me. You're about to get cucked."
"Hold on a second," Eve announced.
She pulled out her scroll, then stepped back and snapped a full body picture of Cardin. He stared at her, surprised; she ignored it, instead sending the photo to someone. She then held up three fingers, slowly lowering each one as the seconds ticked by. After the third was lowered, her scroll rang.
"Yes, Elise?" She announced. Elise said something, and she nodded. "Yes, I can see that. He's at Beacon Academy – all you have to do is send in an application and Ozpin will let you in."
Wait, that was it? That was… actually kind of smart of Ozpin, considering that he had absolutely no dog in the Faunus/human fight and seemed to only care about fighting Grimm. Of course he would be in favor of anything that resulted in more babies being born and more Huntsmen being trained.
It was still weird of him, though. Jaune was suddenly very convinced that if he were to check his headmaster's scroll that Faunus'd dot com would be bookmarked.
Now there's a nasty thought.
Eve nodded, still on her scroll. "Yes. You know what to do – put the poon to him, medium style."
With that, she ended the call. Cardin stared at her, perplexed.
"What the fuck did you just do?" the bully asked.
Eve simply grinned widely at him. "Oh, nothing. I just want to say that I hope you have many healthy children and make your new girlfriend a very happy woman, and that she makes you a very happy man."
"The fuck is that supposed to mean?"
Eve ignored him, instead taking Jaune by the arm and leading him away.
"Bye, Cardin!" Jaune called. "Enjoy your broken hips!"
The next couple of days passed by rather uneventfully. Tension was still high among his group of friends, obviously, both because of Eve's mere presence there and also because he kept kicking his team out of the dorm in order to get some.
Hey, he finally had an opportunity for some pootie, and he was going to take it no matter what. Fucking sue him.
Aside from that, he was also noticing a few more Faunus students entering Beacon, which was nice because they were all former White Fang members, which made them some of the weakest students in the school because apparently the White Fang's training was a fucking joke. Seriously, a team of four of them got absolutely bodied by Ruby in Combat Class, and all she did was shoot them a few times. It was bad because there was no way any of them were going to be able to stand up to Grimm… but on the other hand he was no longer the weakest one in the school, so he counted it as a net positive. Chalk another one up for Jaune Arc, he supposed.
Man, it felt good to be a winner. He was basically spending every day on Cloud Nine at this point, it was fucking great.
Jaune finished putting on his school uniform, then stepped out into the hallway, taking a deep breath of the morning air. It smelled like how he imagined every upper-level school's student dorm would smell – like smuggled-in booze, bad decisions, and marijuana. But that was okay, because none of it was about to put a damper on his mood. Yup, today was another good day.
The intercom suddenly buzzed to life.
"Would Jaune Arc please report to the headmaster's office? Repeat: Jaune Arc, please report to the headmaster's office."
There was a pause. "And bring your girlfriend."
The intercom went dead, and he frowned. Well, okay, clearly he was in trouble for something, but he had no idea what – Eve had been pretty well-behaved over the past few days, aside from threatening to cut Port in half if he told another story and threatening to gut Oobleck like a fish if he told any more 'lies' about Faunus war crimes during the Great War.
Oh, and also her little skirmish with Blake and Yang. Honestly, Jaune didn't know what was up with those two – one moment they're talking about how they want nothing to do with Eve, and the next they're trying to ambush her, stab her, and throw her off a cliff. It was quite rude, not to mention overkill.
Seriously, a cliff? Who did that? It would have been funny if Eve was a lion Faunus or something, but now it was just concerning. They were acting like Eve had actually cut Yang's arm off and stabbed Blake in the stomach, and that was just uncalled for considering she had merely threatened to do those things.
Eve stepped out of the dorm room, still 'adjusting' her outfit, which really meant she was trying to see how much she could undress herself to titillate him without calling down Glynda's wrath. Basically, she had foregone the ribbon completely, unbuttoned the top couple of buttons on her blouse to reveal some of her breasts, and had turned the stockings into makeshift knee-highs. Oh, and she was still wearing her mask, naturally, though at this point Jaune didn't blame her for it since now he actually knew what she looked like underneath it, and as much as he loved her, even he had to admit that the scar was not pretty.
Seriously, fiction could make burn scars look as badass as possible, but there was nothing badass about a real-life burn scar. That shit was just nasty. The left side of her face almost looked like it had met with the wrong side of someone's Grimm-melting eye lasers or something.
He had no idea why that was the comparison he had drawn, but whatever.
In any case, he was glad for the mask, since staring into his girlfriend's eyes and seeing 'SDC' staring back was a huge boner-killer, both because it was pretty gross and because the last thing he wanted to remember while railing his girlfriend was being rejected by Weiss.
"So, what's this about?" Eve asked, interrupting his thoughts.
Jaune shook his head. "No idea."
"Were we too loud again last night?"
Probably, but at this point the rest of the dorm had wisely decided to stop complaining, since the last group of students who had done so had gotten a visit from Eve the next day. On a certain level, he understood – having your sexy times interrupted was definitely a mood-killer. But on the other hand, she could get rather loud.
"Yes! Yes, Jaune! Fuck me with your big human cock! Spread the seeds of Faunus liberation deep in my womb!"
He wasn't sure why he expected her dirty talk to be about anything else given how fucking crazy she was, but to say he had been disappointed anyway would have been an understatement. Jaune had been tempted to float the idea of giving her a gag, but there was no way she would go for it – she wasn't even willing to let him be on top, instead insisting that she be in control at all time. He had no idea why, given her obsession with being human'd; honestly, she was probably just a control freak.
There were, of course, other ways he could have tried to get her to be quiet, such as using a position that allowed them to kiss during the act… but the only non-contortionist one he could think of off the top of his head that would both let them do that and keep her on top was cowgirl, and there was no way he was bringing that up to his bull Faunus girlfriend – that was a doghouse conversation right there.
At the very least, the noise pissed off Team RWBY. Jaune had decided to have mercy on Ruby and give her some earplugs since she hadn't done anything wrong, but the rest of them were going to suffer – Yang and Blake for continuing to try and off Eve and also because it was funny, and Weiss because her family had basically given Eve the world's ugliest tramp stamp on her eye.
Eve tapped him on the shoulder. "Well, let's go."
Jaune sighed, but nodded. Might as well get it over with.
How bad could it be, right?
As it turned out, very bad. Everyone was there – the rest of his team, Team RWBY, Ozpin, Glynda.
Oh, and worst of all, his mom.
"Jauneathon Miles Arc!" his mother roared, stomping over to him and poking a finger into his chest. "You have a lot of explaining to do, mister!"
"M-Mom?!" Jaune cried out. "What are you doing here?!"
"That would be my doing," Ren said, holding up a hand.
"Ren? But why? I loved you – you were my brother. How could you betray me like this?"
"This is an intervention, Jaune," Pyrrha said. "You're dating the world's most wanted terrorist, and we can't take it anymore. It has to stop."
Next to him, Eve scowled. "Trying to stop my quest for Faunus liberation, are you? Well, I won't come quietly."
"Oh, trust us, we know," Blake said.
"Blake," Jaune began, "Just because we broke up-"
"Damn it, stop with that! It isn't funny!"
"...It's kind of funny," Yang whispered, earning an elbow from the cat Faunus.
Ozpin clapped his hands together. "Settle down, everyone," he announced, quieting them all down. "Now, I'm sure we can discuss this in a dignified and civil manner." He turned to Mama Arc. "Juniper, why don't you start?"
The blonde woman sighed, running a hand through her shoulder-length hair before turning back to Jaune. She glared at him with those inhuman blue eyes, eyes which threatened an eternity of punishment if he dared speak out of line. Jaune couldn't help but swallow nervously; out of the corner of his eye, he saw everyone else be taken aback by the sheer killing intent radiating off of his mother. They were correct to be afraid – the Grimm had nothing on a woman who had birthed eight children and had dedicated her life to wrangling them.
All he had to say about that was, thank whatever gods that existed for alcohol. Otherwise, his mom might have decided that taking over the world was easier than raising all of them, and then they'd have all been screwed.
"Now then," Juniper Arc said, her words measured, yet full of as much scorn as possible. She focused in on Eve, glaring. Jaune silently begged his girlfriend not to show any weakness – Mama Arc was a wolf, a predator, one who would pounce at even the slightest sign of hesitation or doubt. And if that happened, it was all over.
"I understand that you're sleeping with my only son."
Eve nodded. "Yes, ma'am."
"I also understand that you met because you kidnapped him and were going to kill him."
"Don't answer that!" Jaune said quickly. "It's a loaded question!"
"Jaune," Juniper cut in. This time, her tone was sweet, but it was dripping with the silent promise of an eternity of suffering. "Be a dear and let Mom ask your girlfriend a few questions, would you?"
Jaune swallowed nervously. He looked over at Eve, but even that couldn't steel his resolve. Mama Arc was pissed, and he wanted nothing to do with any of it. Wordlessly, he stepped back, then motioned for her to continue.
"As I was saying," Juniper said, "You met because you kidnapped him and were going to kill him."
"Yes, we did," Eve answered.
Jaune felt lightheaded. Was this what it felt like to have a stroke? No – this was more of a soul-devouring pain than anything else. It wasn't nearly physical enough to be a stroke, but it also wasn't existential enough to be purely metaphorical.
There was some pain there, deep in his very being. Silently, he prayed for salvation, even if he knew it would never come. The Gods had abandoned him, and if a miracle didn't happen, he would have no choice but to call upon dark forces and dance the dance of the heathen gods to save himself and his girlfriend.
"I see," Juniper said. She paused, allowing herself to breathe deeply before opening her eyes and glaring at Eve once more. "Explain now why I shouldn't strike you down for daring to defile my only son?"
This was it – his hand had been forced. There was no going back now. He was going to have to do the unthinkable.
"Iä Hastur cf'ayak'vulgtmm, vugtlagln vulgtmm! Hastur, Hastur, Hastur!"
Everyone stared at him, confused. Jaune counted to three, then looked around. Unfortunately, no Elder Gods had appeared, so he was fucked, and not in the good way.
Resigning himself to his fate, Jaune took a deep breath, then nodded to his mom.
"Go on."
His mom blinked, then turned back to Eve. "...Right, so, explain why I shouldn't kill you where you stand for this."
"Because I love your son, and he loves me," Eve answered without hesitation.
Juniper rolled her eyes. "Oh, like I haven't heard that one before. That might have worked on my husband, but I'm smarter than that."
"You don't understand," Eve implored. "We are connected on a much deeper level than merely physical. We understand each other, and desire the same outcome for the world."
Okay, now she was just spewing bullshit (get it?). They had known each other for a few weeks, most of which was spent banging. Jaune had resigned himself to shacking up with her because the alternative was being made into Arc sushi, and also because breaking up with her meant no more mind-blowing sex, and he wasn't sure he could ever go back to his hand after having spent so much time with Eve.
Oh, and she had also proven herself to be pretty good to him, if crazy to everyone else and especially Blake. Sure, they were an odd couple, but she was unflinchingly loyal to him, would never dream of cheating, and had treated him right past their first initial meeting. All things considered, he could do worse.
"Oh?" Mama Arc asked. "And what would these desires be?"
"The desire for a world united under a banner of racial equality."
That was funny coming from her, since she was the one who had completely overhauled a terrorist group once he had unintentionally introduced a much better plan for eugenics than the one they had been using. 'Equality' looked an awful lot like 'A world full of nothing but Faunus'.
They were probably going to have to talk about that at some point, and it was probably going to start and end with him pointing out that no more humans meant no more big human cock. That seemed to be the only thing she cared about besides him and messing with Blake, so if that didn't work, nothing would.
"I think you're reaching," Juniper Arc accused.
"Reaching?" Eve asked. "Ma'am, I love your son more than anything else in the world. When he looks at me, he doesn't just see a terrorist, he sees a beautiful young woman who can help make him whole… and also a terrorist, but that's not important. He pulled me back from the abyss of violence I had surrounded myself in. He makes me a better person. In return, I build him up in ways that nobody else can. I support him, and help make him whole the same way he does me."
Wow, that… that was actually rather nice to hear from her. So she actually did like him, and didn't just see him as a dick on legs. Good to know.
"And together, our progeny will usher in a new age for Faunus and humanity alike."
Well, so much for that.
Mama Arc paused. "...I'm sorry, did you say progeny?"
"Progeny," Eve repeated. "Offspring. Children. Kids. Mini-me's. Anklebiters. Shit-assed little crying machines. Whatever you call them, ours will be strong, and they will be many."
"...I see. And, pray tell, how many were you planning to have?"
"As many as my biology will allow. Such is my duty."
Mama Arc seemed taken aback for a second.
Then, slowly, she began to smile.
"You're a woman after my own heart," she said, reaching out and taking Eve's hand.
"WHAT?!" Pyrrha shouted.
Jaune felt his jaw drop. Apparently, Eve had discovered the secret – the only way to get through to a baby-crazy mother was to prove yourself to be equally as baby-crazy.
Oh, and to also prove that you actually cared about your man, but somehow he knew that had just taken a back seat.
Juniper waved the Mistralian off. "Oh, hush dear, we're discussing important things." She turned back to Eve. "Now, let me be clear – if you ever mistreat my son, I will bury you. Do you understand?"
"If I ever mistreat your son, I will bury myself," Eve retorted.
Mama Arc's smile widened. "That's what I like to hear." She looped an arm around Eve's shoulders, then guided her over to the elevator. "Now then, let's discuss logistics. So, I'm gonna need to see at least six grandkids..."
The door closed behind them, cutting off the rest of their conversation. Slowly, Jaune turned back to his team, unsure of what to say.
Today had barely started, and it was already fucking crazy. His friends had tried to separate him and his girlfriend, his mom had shown up and nearly succeeded in doing so, he had tried to summon an Elder God, Eve had proven that she was as crazy about him as she was about having kids, and apparently his mom no longer had a problem with that.
And it wasn't even first period yet, so that was great. He was sure that sitting through one of Port's lectures was just going to absolutely make his fucking day at this point.
Sighing, Jaune looked over to his friends, then shrugged. "Well, at least it can't get any weirder than that."
The elevator doors suddenly opened up, but it was neither Eve nor Mama Arc. Instead, it was Cardin Winchester, who was clad in half a Beacon Academy uniform, dripping with sweat, and looking like he hadn't slept in days.
"Outta my way! Outta my way!" he cried, pushing past Jaune. "Can't you see she wants my butt?!"
Before anyone could ask what was going on, the elevator chimed once again. To Jaune's surprise, Elise came rushing out, dressed in nothing but a set of lingerie. Cardin screamed like a little girl, then left the only way he could.
Through the window.
By jumping.
Elise growled when she saw him go crashing through it. "You can't run forever, Winchester! You're about to get Faunus'd!"
And then she jumped after him, uncaring of the long fall. Thankfully they both had aura, otherwise Glynda would be stuck cleaning up a matching set of red smears. Everyone watched the two of them as they landed, then turned over to Ozpin. The headmaster looked at them, then slowly took a sip of coffee before placing the mug back down on his desk.
"...I'm not going near that one with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole," he announced.
Not a single person protested. Jaune sighed, bringing one hand up to smack himself in the face.
This was his life now, apparently.
I had a fantastic time writing this chapter. Probably my favorite one to work on since the Raven chapter (not that I didn't like writing the others, but the really good chapters just have a way of flowing out onto the page that the others don't). Turning Eve from regular crazy to cock-crazy to baby-crazy was a lot of fun. Hopefully this chapter was worth tearing you all away from Doom Eternal, Animal Crossing, and the RE3 demo.
Anyway, I hope those of you currently quarantined are taking care of yourselves and staying healthy, and also hoping that this chapter was able to keep you busy for a bit. Personally, I've managed to dodge quarantine for now, but I'm a bit spooked, and not because of the virus – something tells me people are going to start doing dumb shit (as in, rioting/looting) at some point.
On an unrelated note, I sure hope none of you are out there trying to buy guns and ammo right now, because trust me, you're too late. When my local store doesn't even have Makarov ammo in stock, you know shit's getting intense. Didn't think people would be that desperate to defend their toilet paper, rice, and canned beans from Kung Flu zombies, but here we are, I suppose.
That aside, stay safe out there, everyone. Here's hoping it gets better rather than worse, and nobody does anything stupid.
Next update: Saturday, April 4th.