Problems With Dating The RWBY Girls
Salem, or: Scared AND Horny
Jaune struggled against his bonds, but it was no use. He was stuck, with no hope of escape. Next to him, Tyrian chuckled, then leaned in to whisper into his ear.
"You should be honored – it's not just anybody that gets to meet our queen face-to-face."
Through his fear, Jaune managed to turn towards his captor, a snarl on his face.
"Fuck the queen," he spat.
That earned him a fist to his gut, which caused him to double over as he gasped for breath. Tyrian picked him up, then continued to drag him forward. Through the black spots in his vision, Jaune was able to make out an ornate door at the end of the hall. He was tempted to struggle, but what would that accomplish? He was a dead man either way. At this point, the best thing he could do was save his strength for later. That way, at least he would die telling Salem to go fuck herself.
Tyrian dragged him through the doors, roughly throwing him through with a cackle before slamming them shut behind him, leaving Jaune there on the floor. The blonde stayed there, unmoving even as he heard someone come up behind him.
"Get it over with, bitch," he spat. "If you're going to kill me then kill me, but don't waste my time."
"How presumptive of you," came the response.
His eyes widened in surprise. Okay, he probably shouldn't be doing this given the situation… but that was not how he had expected the Grimm queen's voice to sound. Hell, it sounded downright sultry.
Before he had time to ruminate on that any further, he felt her grab him by his bonds. He expected to be roughly hoisted to his feet, and was stunned when he was gently – gently! – pulled up instead. He blinked in surprise, though it only lasted until he came face-to-face with the Grimm queen herself.
And not for the reasons one might think.
He wasn't sure what he had expected. He hadn't actually seen the vision that Jinn had given the others, so aside from Emerald's illusion at Haven, he had no idea what Salem would look like, and even then he had believed that Emerald had been deliberately making Salem look more fearsome than she actually was. But even knowing that, it couldn't have possibly prepared him for the real thing.
Because damn, Salem was actually pretty fine for a Grimm-person.
Oh, fuck you, monster girl fetish. Now is not the time.
It was too late, though – he was already half-cocked. How could he not be, when his biggest fetish was standing there right in front of him? Sure, he had already experienced this with Faunus to a certain degree, but that was barely scratching the surface of the sheer bliss that was monster girls. Like seriously, there was an entire fucking encyclopedia of them, yet he was supposed to believe that the best he was going to get in real life was either animals ears or a tail, and not even both at once? Like, thinking about it, Penny was the closest he had ever come to an actual monster girl, and only because she was basically an Automaton (fuck you, they're in the MGE so they count as far as he's concerned). And that was just bullshit, with emphasis on the 'was' part given that Salem was standing right here in front of him.
Oh fuck, Salem is standing right here in front of me! Quick, Jaune – act natural.
So much for his bravado. He had fully intended to go down telling her to go fuck herself, but he hadn't been prepared for her to be the personification of his own biggest desire. Like seriously, he was this close to living the dream, even if that dream was about to kill him.
And now she was looking at his half-chub and scowling. Swallowing nervously, Jaune willed for it to go down. Unfortunately, as any guy will profess, the D has a mind of its own.
Don't get bigger, you fucking traitor! What did I ever do to you?! He paused. ...This is because of that time I jerked it to traps, isn't it? C'mon, that was one time! Cut me a break, here! I'm about to fucking die, dude!
To his surprise, Salem simply huffed, then turned and began to walk towards her throne.
"I suppose you'll do," she said absentmindedly. "Admittedly, I haven't had much experience in the past millenia aside from watching the occasional video while using my fingers, but you seem more than adequate."
Jaune blinked in surprise. Uh, what?
He was tempted to ask that aloud, but he knew better than to do that, lest he risk accidentally convincing her to actually kill him rather than just… uh… sit down on her throne and stare at him?
Seriously, what the fuck?
Needless to say, this wasn't how he had expected his execution to go. Absentmindedly, he tested his bonds. He wasn't sure why he did that since there wasn't exactly anything he could do about them, and even if he somehow did manage to get loose, there was no way he could stand up to Salem on his own. Even if he still had Crocea Mors (he didn't; Tyrian had taken it from him), attempting to actually try and attack Salem at this point would end up as little more than the world's most elaborate suicide attempt.
The two of them sat in silence for several minutes. Finally, Jaune had enough.
Alright, fuck it. I'm sick of sitting here with my thumb up my ass.
That was quite literal, by the way – Tyrian had bound him with his hands behind his back and it was getting to be very uncomfortable. Now suitably sick of his self-induced Kanchō, Jaune cleared his throat.
"So, uh, what's going on here?"
To his surprise, Salem huffed. "I'm waiting on my henchmen to bring me the tools of the trade. After all, we wouldn't want this to be anything less than perfect, would we?"
Okay, that was a scary thought. Jaune swallowed nervously. What did she mean by 'tools of the trade'? It was clearly a euphemism for her instruments of torture, but she hadn't let slip exactly what they would be. For that matter, what did she mean by 'perfect'? The fact that he didn't know was killing him.
He got his answer just a few moments later, when the door opened and Hazel strode in, carrying a… huh. That was odd – for some reason, Salem apparently kept her instruments of torture in a wicker basket all done up with a pink cover and bow. Weird, but maybe it was some psychological thing? Either way, he didn't care, because this was going to suck.
Hazel handed over the basket, then left. Again, it was just Jaune and Salem. The Grimm queen looked over to him, then beckoned.
"Come here."
Oh, fuck this. Still, it wasn't like he had any choice, so he reluctantly stepped forwards until he was within an arm's length of her. Again, she stared at him, which did nothing but make him feel weird. Slowly, she crossed one leg over the other where she sat, and Jaune swallowed nervously.
Thank the Gods she's wearing that robe, because I could not handle seeing a twat shot right now. He paused. ...Should I really be thanking the gods? I mean, they kind of seem like a pair of assholes, what with how they cursed Salem and Ozpin and also killed the entire world, thus setting this current crop of humanity up for its continuous slow, deep, and hard dicking by the Grimm. Pretty dick move, if you ask me. ...Fuck it; not like I have any other higher powers to thank, especially since I don't want to go insane by worshiping an Elder God.
"You're probably wondering why I had you brought to me," she observed, snapping him out of his thoughts.
"Uh, not really." She raised an eyebrow at that, and he reluctantly continued. "I mean, you want to torture me, right? Maybe take a video of it and send it to my friends to get them to come after me, only for them to find out too late that I've either already been killed or tortured into insanity by you?"
Her eyebrow raised even higher. "...You have a very active imagination."
"I mean, am I wrong?"
"Yes."
"See, that's what I-" He paused. "...I'm sorry, what?"
"You're wrong," she clarified.
"...Huh. I, uh, have to admit that that wasn't what I was expecting. So, why am I here?"
Her response was to simply lift the cover off the basket and motion for him to take a look inside. Swallowing his fear, Jaune did so… and was flabbergasted at what he found.
There were no instruments of torture. No, instead there was the opposite – where there might have been pincers, there were nipple clamps. Instead of hot oil, there was lubricant. Rather than stock up on dirty water for water torture, she had apparently decided to stock up on very expensive wine. And then there were the sex toys, the gags, the blindfolds, the scented candles…
Okay, this had to tie in with her idea of torture. Any minute now, she was going to reveal that she was kidding. The vibrator was going to turn out to be a specialty dick-removal device or something, and the dildo… was probably still going to just be a dildo, only it would be used in a way that he very much didn't approve of. Yeah, that had to be it – she was totally still going to torture him, but it was going to come after she had dangled the possibility of finally living out his monster girl fetish in front of him.
He was utterly unprepared for what came next.
"If it would please you, now would be a good time for us to retire to my chambers," she said.
He couldn't stop himself from fainting.
When Jaune awoke, it was to the feeling of the wind between his knees.
"...Oh, Gods damn it..."
It was like partying with Yang all over again, only this time he wasn't naked in a tree, he was naked in someone's bedroom.
...Someone's really old-fashioned and gothic bedroom, that is. Like seriously, this place was ridiculously edgy – the entire room was cast in shadow, illuminated only by a few candles held in scattered candelabras and the overhead chandelier, and the dimness was not helped by the fact that almost all the furniture – that is, the overly-large bed, the dressers, the vanity, and the blinds on the windows – were a deep black.
...Was this Blake's house or something? All this décor seemed right up her alley with how edgy and tryhard it was. The fact that he was apparently naked helped with that – figures that he'd somehow get roped into one of her crazy sexual fantasies straight out of a grocery store smut novel.
"Good, you're awake."
He frowned. That didn't sound like Blake. Who was-
He got his answer in the form of a pair of bright red irises focusing on him. Immediately, all his memories came rushing back, and he began to scramble to get away, throwing the covers off of himself and doing his best to retreat. Before he could get anywhere, Salem pointed a finger at him, and he found himself held in place by a set of jet-black chains that wrapped around his arms and legs.
Well, this was the end. He had been captured, dragged to Salem's torture chamber that for some reason looked suspiciously like a bedroom, and then captured again. So much for living his best life and not dying a virgin.
Well, it was still a good one, I suppose. At least before I die, I can reflect on all my achievements, like… um… getting my Huntsman license? ...No, that was more like a charity case by Ironwood… um, I got kissed by a girl? But then she went and died afterwards… He furrowed his brow as he desperately tried to think of something. Got into Beacon? No, I cheated my way in with fake transcripts… you know what? I'm just going to revel in the fact that out of a hundred thousand sperm, I was the fastest. Take that, fuckers! I won before I was even born!
"Are you ready?" Salem asked.
Kind of a weird thing to ask the person you were going to torture to death, but whatever. Jaune sighed, then nodded. "...I'm ready. Do your worst."
Her 'worst', as it turned out, was her snapping her fingers. Suddenly, the light in the room intensified, growing ever brighter. For the first time, he could clearly make out everything around him – the color of the floor (blood red), the design of the wall (blood red), the landscape peeking through the drawn blinds (like a scene from a nightmare)…
...And a pair of milk-white breasts mere inches away from his face.
Jaune instantly froze, unsure of how to proceed. He blinked once, twice, three times, but the image refused to change. No matter what he did, the pair of fat titties in front of his face refused to go away.
Was he dreaming? If so… this was fucking stellar. Most people who were about to die just had their lives flash before their eyes, but he won the damn lottery with this one. It very nearly made his impending demise worth it.
Salem suddenly huffed irritably. "Are you just going to stare at them, then?"
Jaune shook his head, very reluctantly looking away from her chest and up to her face. "Uh, what?"
She rolled her eyes. "I get that you're a teenager and this is likely your first time, but surely you must know what to do."
"N-no, I just… what?"
"Sex," Salem said bluntly. "You and I are going to have it."
On the list of things Jaune thought he would hear today, that was nowhere to be found. Like really, hearing the queen of the Grimm tell him she wanted to bone was up there with Weiss saying "I'm sorry" or Ruby saying "I hate giving dumb speeches". Frankly, his brain was still too busy trying to play catch-up with his massive throbbing erection to truly make sense of what she was telling him.
"I… see…" he said tentatively.
"You're still confused."
"...Okay, maybe a little."
Salem actually facepalmed. "Okay," she said. "Let me give it to you in a form you can understand."
She pointed to herself. "I am the immortal queen of Grimm. I have been alone for untold millenia. It gets lonely around here, and while I thought I could ignore my own female urges in favor of wiping humanity from the face of Remnant, my fingers just aren't doing it anymore."
That was as hot as it was terrifying, not that he was about to tell her that. He swallowed nervously when she pointed to him.
"You are Jaune Arc, if what my subordinates are telling me is correct. Former Beacon student, recently received his Huntsman license, and nineteen years old – a man, even if still young. I'll admit that you aren't quite my type – I prefer them with a bit more experience – but you're the best option at the moment."
Jaune blinked. "...I am?"
"Do you not agree?"
"Well, I mean, you have a few guys working under you."
Salem pinched the bridge of her nose. "Ugh, men, always such idiots when it comes to competition..." She shook her head. "I'll keep this simple: Mercury is an ignorant and immature child, and I refuse to validate his behavior by sleeping with him. Tyrian is crazy, even if his insanity is directed towards me, and I know better than to sleep with a crazy person."
Jaune wisely refrained from commenting on how she herself was fucking crazy, since that seemed like it would do little more than translate to 'Kill me'.
Salem continued. "Watts is old and not at all attractive to me. And Hazel… well, let's just say that while I may not be able to die, I can still feel pain, and there is such a thing as too big."
Well, that made sense. Also, he suddenly felt validated and smug about his own penis not being cartoonishly huge, but that was neither here nor there. And anyway, there were still a few questions left unanswered.
"Why me, though?" Jaune asked. "I mean, you could have gone with Qrow-"
"Worthless drunk who won't stop talking about Ozpin and who may or may not be fixated on the Silver-Eyed girl's mother."
"-Or Oscar-"
"He has my ex floating around in his skull and is underage, and I still have standards."
"-Or Ren-"
"...That's a man?"
"-Or anyone else on Remnant not in my group."
Seriously, why him? It would have been so much easier to just kidnap some random schmuck off the streets. Hell, if she really felt like being a jerk, she could always have gone for Ruby and Yang's dad – it would have both seriously hurt the two of them, and Taiyang would no longer have to suffer through the hell that was online dating. It was a complete win-win.
"It's simple, really," Salem explained. "You are my enemy. By kidnapping you and forcing you to sleep with me, I am depriving your allies of you. At worst, you can no longer assist them. At best, they will come here to try and rescue you, and I will be able to stop them without having to leave the comfort of my castle."
That made sense, as much as he hated to admit it. If he had a way to achieve his goals without having to step foot in the frozen hell that was Atlas, he would do the same thing.
Seriously, his balls had basically retreated up into his stomach the moment they had stepped foot in that fucking modern-day continuous ice age of a kingdom. It was like going through reverse puberty. He was actually thankful that Salem had granted him a respite from Atlas' regular subzero temperatures, if only so he could actually stop worrying about whether or not his testicles were going to fall off due to frostbite.
Of course, now he had to worry about her having her with way with him and then cutting them off or something, but he was willing to take the bad with the good so long as he had confirmation that he wouldn't be singing in a frostbie-induced falsetto for the rest of his short life.
Anyway, that was most of his questions answered. Now, of course, he had just one more.
"So, what happens now?"
Salem ran a hand through her hair, which had been let out of its weird stupid-looking bun thing and was now cascading down her back. Huh… now that he got a look at her, she was actually pretty hot, and that wasn't just his fetish for monster girls talking, either.
Focus, Jaune. This is your chance to learn about your enemy. Less focusing on how smoking hot she is and more focusing on how you can get out of this.
"You're not the brightest, are you?" Salem asked.
Well, that was rude of her. Sure, she was the Grimm queen, and sure, she was trying to coerce him into sex, but the least she could do was not treat him like an idiot… even if the way she captured him was pretty stupid of him to fall for.
In his defense, he had been without good porn ever since the CCT fell, so when he saw that porn mag just lying there, he couldn't help but pick it up. Never in a million years did he expect Tyrian to pop out of that cardboard box and hit him with a tranq dart.
Even worse, the scorpion Faunus had then proceeded to go through his pockets, steal his Atlesian ration, and eat it before claiming that it was disgusting and he was going to be sick. Sure, he was right, but Jaune was hungry, and that was just plain rude of him to do.
Shaking those thoughts from his head, Jaune turned back to Salem. "So, you're serious about this?"
"Indeed," she replied.
"We're actually, unironically, going to have sex right now?"
"Yes."
"Like, unprotected sex? My dick in your pussy? Hot human-on-monster-girl-action?"
"...What?"
"Uh, never mind that last part," he said, his face flushing red. "The point is, I just want to make sure that this isn't a ploy for me to let my guard down so you could kill me."
"You're unarmed, you're immobilized by chains, I'm much more powerful than you anyway, and there would be no reason for me to also be naked if I was just going to kill you," Salem pointed out, annoyed. "Now, are you planning to just do it or will I have to kill you and find another?"
Well, given those options, his choice was clear. After all, if he was dead, then he couldn't help save the world. Looks like he was going to have to just take one for the team and fuck the hot Grimm queen with the rockin' body and the shapely legs and the child-bearing hips and the big tits and the perfectly-shaved pubes and the nice ass and oh Gods, why did evil have to be so hot, like seriously she looked like a fucking MILF porn star under that stupid robe. Anyway, for the sake of the world, he would gladly give his body and his virginity to Salem.
It was truly a tragic sacrifice for the ages.
Salem snapped her fingers, causing the magical chains around him to dissipate. As she pushed him down onto the bed and reached between his legs, Jaune had just one thought.
Man, the others are going to freak when I tell them about this.
As it turned out, sex with the Grimm queen was as awesome as he thought it would be, especially because she didn't kill him afterwards. Granted, he didn't exactly have anything to compare it to, but the fact that he had been able to get his rocks off and she hadn't eaten his head like a praying mantis made it a win in his book. Yup, it was definitely something worth remembering.
Unfortunately, he had forgotten to account for what came after the sex.
"Look, all I'm asking for is a day."
Salem checked her nails absentmindedly. "No."
"But my friends are worried sick!"
"Good. Maybe then they'll actually come get you."
It had been a week since Jaune had woken up naked in Salem's bed. That was seven days of fucking like animals while slamming expensive wine and ordering Salem's lackeys to bring them food in bed, and as awesome as it was, even that managed to lose its luster fairly quickly.
Although, he had to admit that being able to order Cinder to do whatever he wanted her to do had been fantastic. She had tried to argue, sure, but Salem had shut her up fairly quickly, which ultimately meant that like it or not, the bitch of a Maiden was stuck in that slutty maid outfit for the foreseeable future.
Why yes, he had demanded that she take a break from trying to flambe Ruby and instead come back to Salem's castle all the way in the Grimmlands just so he could demean her. Frankly, he was surprised that Salem had signed off on it in the first place, but that had quickly given way to understanding when he realized that Salem liked Cinder about as much as he did, and only kept her around because she was useful. Hell, pretty much the only person who actually liked Cinder was Emerald, which only made his off-hand suggestion that Emerald really take advantage of her stupid assless pants by taking off the shorts underneath them all the more funnier.
In retrospect, he probably should have realized that Salem so readily going along with his retarded suggestions for her lackeys meant nothing but trouble for him.
"Look, can we talk about this?" he pleaded. "Keep me here if you want, but I'm quite attached to my friends, and I'd rather not see them hurt."
"Then they should stop being a thorn in my side already," Salem replied.
"I mean, you are trying to wipe out humanity."
"Your point?"
That was the most infuriating part of having to deal with Salem, of course – her refusal to stop trying to kill the entire world. Jaune had tried everything to make her see reason, from pleading for humanity's survival to even trying to point out just how nonsensical her plan was (like really, her plan to get back at Ozpin consisted of killing literally everybody else, thus making her no better than those asshole Gods, and also damning her to an eternity of solitude – you know, the very thing that made her go insane in the first place? Fucking stupid), but she simply refused to see reason, which was a damn shame because he was still pissed about learning that the oldest war in the history of Remnant that had killed untold scores of people over the years was literally nothing more than a lover's quarrel between two assholes who refused to just let the relationship go already.
Like seriously, this was basically if Adam and Blake had magical powers, that was how bad it was.
...Oh dear Gods, that basically made him the Yang in this situation. Well, hopefully he didn't end up killing Oscar the same way Yang had merced Adam – sure he had punched the hell out of Oscar that one time, but he was an okay kid. Ozpin could get fucked, though.
Or not fucked, since Jaune was currently banging his ex. Now, Jaune had never been one for sloppy seconds, but in this case he would look the other way, both because it was necessary in order to save the world and because Ozpin could suck a fart out of his ass for all he cared, fuck that shifty old wizard.
Anyway, what was he doing? Oh, right – trying to argue with the queen of all evil for the right to see his family and friends.
"Okay," Jaune said tiredly. "What will it take to earn a little freedom for once?"
"You assume that you have something I want and can't just take from you," Salem observed.
Okay, that was a good point. Man, why did his first real not-girlfriend-but-girl-he-slept-with have to be so much stronger than him? This was like every guy's worst fear. Gods forbid he ever managed to actually escape, because her going on a rampage over him would probably end with a fucking continent being blown up. Hell, she already managed to shake the damn castle to its foundation whenever she climaxed, he didn't want to see what she could do when she was actually motivated to break shit on purpose.
Well, fuck it. One more avenue left to try.
"...I'll trade a long-distance scroll call to my mom for that thing you want me to do that I keep refusing to do."
Salem immediately stopped examining her nails, instead looking at him in surprise. "Truly?"
Jaune winced. He already regretted making that offer, but if it was truly the one thing that would get him in contact with his family, he would do it.
"Of course… Mommy."
Oh, Gods, that felt so wrong to say. If there was a cup of bleach in front of him, he would have downed it then and there and followed it with an ammonia chaser.
Luckily, there was no time to dwell on it, as he had to scramble to catch the scroll Salem tossed his way.
"You have ten minutes, and no more than that," she reported. "And then we shall retire to my chambers once more."
Jaune merely nodded. This would be their fourth time today, and while normally he would have been worried about jizz being replaced with blood at some point, apparently Salem's magic could extend to the bedroom as well. Good thing, too – without it he wouldn't have been able to keep up.
Note to self: if I ever become immortal, be sure that my dry spell doesn't last three-thousand years.
Needless to say, her magic was also very capable of repairing broken bones as well. His pelvis thanked her for it every time.
Jaune looked down at the scroll, sighing in relief. Well, at least now he would get a chance to talk to his family and let them know he was okay. He typed in his mom's number and brought the scroll to his ear, ready to talk.
And then he immediately dropped the scroll in shock when a huge explosion rocked the tower.
He stared at the shattered remnants of what used to be a scroll in dismay before looking over at Salem, an eyebrow raised. "...Did you just cum?"
"Of course not!" she hissed.
"Oh. I just figured because the tower just felt like there was an earthquake-"
"We're under attack, you imbecile!"
She never got a chance to clarify further, as the door to her throne room suddenly came flying open, allowing several figures to rush in. Jaune almost felt his heart skip a beat when he saw who they were.
"Guys!" he called.
"Jaune!" Ruby shouted back. "We're here to-"
She instantly froze when she saw him, as did everyone else, all their faces flushing red. Jaune was confused for only a second before he realized what the problem was.
"Uh, hang on – I think my pants are around here somewhere."
"Lookin' hot!" Nora called.
"Nora, now is not the time," Ren admonished gently.
"Enough!" Salem shouted, causing them all to turn towards her. At some point she had snapped her fingers, once again covering herself with her black robe, though her hair was still down. She affixed the group in front of her with a harsh glare. "Now then, I assume you have come for your friend?"
"Obviously," Qrow replied. "Now, you gonna hand him over, or what?"
"Wait, hold on," Weiss said. "Can we talk for a minute about why he's naked?"
"Weiiiiis!" Ruby whined in her trademark screechy, high-pitched tone that was very nearly audible only to dolphins. "We're trying to fight the Grimm queen! Can't it wait?"
"No! I'm very disturbed right now!"
"Oh, that's because we were having sex," Jaune said.
Everyone in the group immediately exchanged glances with one another.
"...Say what?" Yang asked.
Jaune nodded. "Yeah, why do you think I'm not dead or being tortured right now? She brought me here so we could have sex."
"I… see..." Blake said tentatively. Everyone looked at her strangely, causing her to bristle. "Oh, come on! I may be a pervert, but even I have my limits!"
"Wait, so you and Salem really… you know..." Ruby asked.
"What, slept together? Did the dirty? Danced the horizontal boogie? Yeah."
"Wha- how could you?! Jaune, she's the enemy!"
"Hey, it was either that or let her kill me, and I wasn't about to let her kill me when I could save the world."
"Don't act like sleeping with Salem saved the world!"
"But it did though."
"That's stupid!"
"No, it'd be stupid if it didn't work."
"Are you all quite finished?" Salem asked, impatient. "Because if so, then we can fight."
"Yes, we're finished!" Ruby shouted, stepping forwards. Her eyes began to blow. "Now, prepare for my Silver-"
"Your mom."
Instantly, Ruby faltered. "Wha-"
"Your. Mom." Salem repeated. "Now, your response?"
Ruby simply stared at Salem, slack-jawed, as she tried to formulate a response. The light around her eyes slowly began to fade until it was gone completely. Finally, after a few seconds, she came up with a suitable answer in the form of turning and running from the throne room, sobbing uncontrollably the whole time.
"Ruby!" Yang called. Turning back to Salem, she gave her a harsh glare. "You made my baby sister cry!"
"I did," Salem confirmed. "And what do you plan to do about it?"
Yang simply grit her teeth as she seethed in anger, knowing that there was nothing she could do. With Ruby having run out in tears, their plan had fallen apart.
...What was their plan, anyway? Was there ever even a plan beyond 'Something something Silver Eyes, something something Relics'? For that matter, what was Salem's plan? 'Something something Relics, something something kill humanity'? How come none of this stuff made any sense?
Pushing that aside, Jaune turned back to the situation at hand, which was growing dire. Sure, there was only one Salem and a whole bunch of not-Salems, but she was immortal, and with his friends having lost their ace in the hole, things were looking bleak. They were probably going to die, and he was going to be stuck as Salem's own personal sex toy for the rest of his natural life. And while he could definitely think of worse fates than that, it was still not that great compared to… uh… getting belittled by Weiss? Waking up with syrup in his hair courtesy of Nora? Having to listen to one of Ruby's dumbass speeches that she refused to stop giving?
...Why did he hang out with these people again? Seriously, once they saved the world, he was just going to find a nice girl, settle down, and never talk to any of them again, because honestly, they all kind of sucked to be around. Still, that didn't mean he wanted them to die, per se, so now would be a good time to think of something. And think of something he did.
Unfortunately.
Wincing, Jaune approached Salem. "Hey, could I ask you a favor?" She turned to him, an eyebrow raised, and he continued. "Could you please not kill them?"
"And why would I do that?" she asked. "They have been nothing but thorns in my side for years. I finally have them all in one place, just waiting to be wiped out! Why refrain from doing so?"
"Because it would make me sad if you killed them… Mommy."
Okay, forget the bleach and ammonia, he needed something stronger… like a fucking bullet, or if the disgusted looks on everyone else besides Salem were any indication, maybe a shotgun shell. He was honestly tempted to ask Yang if he could borrow one of her gauntlets for just a second, that's how much shame he felt.
Still, his ploy worked. Salem grit her teeth, but finally relented, crossing her arms and turning away from them with a huff.
"...Fine. It's not like they're actually capable of harming me, since the Silver-Eyed one is currently bawling somewhere else in the castle."
Nora's jaw hit the floor. "Holy shit," she said. "Jaune, you really did bang Salem!"
"Uh, yeah?" he replied. "Why else did you think I was naked?"
"I don't know, but it sure as fuck wasn't that! What was it like?!"
"Nora, is now the time?" Ren asked.
"Don't act like you aren't curious, Ren!"
"...Okay, maybe a little."
"You're all sick," Weiss stated. "I can't believe we're actually discussing Jaune's sex life instead of fighting Salem right now."
That made at least two of them. Unfortunately for Jaune, this insanity had yet to end.
From the back of the group, Oscar's eyes started to glow, indicating that he had given up control to Ozpin.
"I can answer that, Miss Valkyrie," he said. "Sleeping with Salem is akin to sleeping with a confused Ursa – awkward, somewhat terrifying, there are far too many teeth being used, and about halfway through you're torn between trying to escape and simply letting yourself finish so she doesn't try to kill you for leaving her unsatisfied."
The sad thing was that he wasn't wrong, but it was still better than jerking off alone.
Salem's eyes narrowed. "Ozpin."
"Bitch," he replied.
Jaune was stunned. "Ozpin, did you just swear?"
"I find it to be appropriate given who we are discussing."
"The feeling is mutual, you bastard," Salem fired back.
"Oh, snap!" Nora shouted. "Looks like we're in the middle of a lover's quarrel! Quick, somebody call Jelly Stringer!"
"You're not helping!" Jaune hissed.
"No, perhaps Jelly Stringer is exactly the man we need," Ozpin observed. "He certainly could have done our relationship a lot of good all those years ago."
"Oh, fuck you," Salem said, rolling her eyes. "We both know I was the only one committed to making that relationship actually work."
"You killed our children."
"We killed our children by mistake, you prick! Don't act like that was all my fault, especially when you betrayed me and tried to kidnap them during the night!"
"They went with me willingly."
"And so do countless little children into the windowless vans of men with candy, what's your point?"
...Did Salem seriously just compare Ozpin to a pedophile? Okay, this just went from the worst thing in the world to the absolute best. Forget trying to defuse the situation, he needed to see how this played out.
And apparently, so did everyone else, as they were simply staring at the two immortals as they bickered like a couple going through a nasty divorce… which was probably quite accurate, come to think of it.
Salem waved her hand dismissively. "Anyway, we're through. I don't need you anymore."
"Likewise," Ozpin replied.
"Though, unlike you, I've at least moved on."
"And it only took you a few thousand years."
"Oh? And where's your new wife, then?"
"Dead, if you must know."
"How lucky – she doesn't have to deal with you anymore. If only the rest of us had similar fortunes."
"You could always try killing yourself. I mean, it wouldn't work, but you should still do it."
Salem rolled her eyes. "Wow, nice comeback. You sound like you're a teenager." She paused, scanning over Oscar's body. "...Oh, wait."
"Oh, how kind of you to bring that up. Qrow, do make sure that Salem stays away from Oscar's body, would you? Obviously, if Mister Arc is any indication, she prefers them young."
Salem glared at him. "Jaune is of age."
"Barely, but even then the age difference is still far too great for that to be anything but creepy."
"Ozpin, you know I am incapable of aging. I am perpetually stuck as a young woman."
"Oh, so fifty is young now?"
"I look like I'm forty, you prick! And I'd say I look good, given how I have been walking the face of Remnant for over six-thousand years!"
"Funny; I could have sworn by the crow's feet on your face that that number was twelve-thousand."
"Fuck you!"
"Fuck you!"
The two stared at each other, gnashing their teeth. After several seconds, Salem recovered, her angry look replaced with one of smugness. She sauntered over to Jaune, then looped an arm around his waist and leaned on his shoulder.
"You know what? This doesn't matter. You don't matter, Ozpin. I've moved on; I don't need you anymore."
"And I never needed you," Ozpin retorted.
Salem smirked. "Keep telling yourself that. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to do something you aren't capable of right now."
"Oh? And what would that be, besides shooting yourself and unfortunately living?"
"This."
And then she leaned in and pressed her lips against Jaune's. Surprised, the blonde could do nothing but stand there as she sucked his face. And when she slipped her tongue into his mouth. And when she started to loudly moan into the kiss.
Yeah, that was it. He was just surprised.
It idly occurred to him that he was making out with the woman who had ultimately masterminded Pyrrha's death, but somehow that wasn't important right now.
Ah, fuck it. Not like she knew firsthand that her plan would end with Pyrrha's death. If anything, I'll just blame Cinder for that and call it good.
Jaune made a mental note to confiscate all of Cinder's underwear and replace every single pair with frilly pink ones covered in cartoon kittens next time he saw her just as Salem pulled away and turned to Ozpin, a smug grin on her face as she wiped the drool off her face.
"Remind me again, when was the last time you've experienced that?"
Ozpin hesitated. "...I'll admit that it's been a while-"
"A while, you say?"
"-A while, but thankfully my dry spell was nowhere near as bad as yours." He looked over to Jaune, who silently begged to be left out of this. Unfortunately, fate wasn't so kind. "Tell me, Mister Arc – did you have to blow the cobwebs out first before you stuck it in her?"
"Oh, fuck you," Salem said, rolling her eyes. Once more, she leaned against Jaune's shoulder. "Or, in this case, don't fuck you. I'll have you know that Jaune is nothing if not a very considerate lover. Far better than you, at any rate."
"I somehow doubt that, considering he was a virgin before you got to him."
"Unlike some people, Jaune is very eager to please, and to learn. He didn't simply mindlessly thrust away."
"Unfortunately for him, you most likely didn't show him the same courtesy. Tell me, Mister Arc, did she-"
"Okay, stop," Jaune said, having had enough. The comedy had long since ceased to be funny and was now simply cringe-inducing. Thankfully, both immortals paused, looking at him in surprise. He took a deep breath. "Look, this is going nowhere. There's obviously not going to be a fight, so why are you all still here?"
"To get you, duh," Nora said.
"Well, Salem has me on a tight leash."
"How tight?"
"If I stay, she won't kill humanity. So I'm staying."
"Aww..."
"Seriously, Vomit Boy?" Yang asked.
Jaune raised an eyebrow. "Did you have a better plan?"
"...No, but-"
"Then it's settled."
"Hold on," Ren said, "How do we know you're not just in it for the free sex?"
Damn, was he really found out that easily? Well, it was no problem – he could salvage this by lying. Not like they had any other argument besides that, which thankfully could be dealt with as easily as saying 'no u'.
"Ren, come on. Do I look like the kind of guy who would trade his friends for a little action?"
"You have a boner right now."
"...Well, what's life without a little sacrifice? I'll gladly give my body over to Salem if it means keeping the rest of you safe."
"Yeah, but you don't have to enjoy it the way you clearly are."
"I mean, if this is going to be my life now, I might as well get used to it, you know?"
Ren rolled his eyes. "You can just admit you're in it for the free poon, you know. I mean, everyone has their price… it's just that yours is a very cheap one, easily paid by the first woman willing to put her vagina on your face."
Well, at least they understood each other. Jaune nodded, then crossed his arms and turned back to the rest of them.
"Anyone else?"
Thankfully, nobody's hand went up. Apparently, Ren had said what was on all their minds, which was surprising given that he was pretty sure Ren was supposed to be the quiet one – like, the guy had barely said two paragraphs the whole time they were in Atlas, the stuff with Nora notwithstanding.
"Well, I'm glad we all seem to have reached a consensus," Jaune said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
"You mean a Grimm queen to fuck," Yang pointed out.
"That too. I'll be in Salem's chambers if you need me."
"You hear that, Ozpin?" Salem taunted. "I'm about to get some, and you're not."
"I've had thousands of years to get some, so it's only fair that I allow you some time to catch up," Ozpin retorted.
"Oh? You expect me to believe this doesn't bother you?"
"It doesn't in the slightest."
"So you mean to tell me that you're okay with your former wife and the mother of your children taking it from another man?"
"Given we aren't together anymore, then yes, I suppose I am. Also, you got real ugly, so I really don't care now."
Salem's eyes narrowed dangerously. Somehow, Jaune could just tell that she was about to cross a line. He just didn't know exactly what that line would be.
Unfortunately, it would prove to be much worse than he could have possibly imagined.
"And what if the mother of your children was to then get pregnant with that other man's child? Would you be bothered then?"
The room went dead silent. Jaune felt his blood freeze in his veins. Out in the crowd, everyone exchanged an uncomfortable glance. Weiss looked disgusted. Ren and Nora were giving Jaune a look that just screamed 'Oh, you poor bastard'. Yang was stuck between being sickened and being curious. Qrow looked like he was really wishing that he hadn't gone sober right about now. Ruby didn't look like anything because she was currently curled up in a ball somewhere else in the castle, basically crying over a yo momma joke because she's a little whiny baby. Blake's face was flushed red and she was breathing heavily for some reason, ostensibly because her limits had been surpassed to the point that they had looped around from 'disgusting' back to 'hot as hell'. Cinder entered the room to clean it, only to freeze when she saw everyone else standing there, then immediately turn around and start walking away so none of her mortal enemies saw her in a maid outfit.
Now broken out of his trance, Jaune shook his head, then looked over to Salem.
"I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"
"It's simple, Jaune," Salem explained. "You're going to get me pregnant."
"Ah, I see." He paused. "...And if I don't?"
Her eyes narrowed. "You would deny me the chance to infuriate Ozpin?"
Uh oh. "I mean, is it really a good idea to bring a kid into the world solely to spite someone else? Like, that's a lot of work for comparatively little payoff. You could easily piss him off some other way."
"Well, maybe I want to piss him off this way. Who are you all to tell me what I can and cannot do?"
"We're the voices of reason," Qrow said. "And call me crazy, but somehow I doubt that trolling Ozpin is the only reason you want kids. Ask me, I think you're trying to create some kind of unholy Grimm army to try and conquer the world with."
"Tempting, but no. The real reason is-"
Realizing she was about to implicate herself, Salem immediately clammed up. Unfortunately, everyone noticed, and leaned in expectantly. The Grimm Queen gave them all a harsh glare before sighing heavily.
"...Fine, the truth. It gets lonely here, okay? Plus, I've always wanted more children after that rat bastard Ozpin helped kill ours. I was hoping Cinder would fill that void, but do you have any idea how hard it is raising a sociopath? The first thing she did when she learned how to walk was to set my bed on fire. And then I made the mistake of having a bit too much wine one night and accidentally let slip about the Maidens, and she was hooked. From there, it was all 'Fall Maiden' this and 'Fall Maiden' that. She even changed her last name to Fall! How am I supposed to compete with that?!"
Salem threw up her hands exasperatedly. "Frankly, I just want to be less lonely. It's hard to find people to relate to when they're all little more than insects compared to you, even at their most powerful. I was hoping that a few children would help with that."
The room was silent for a few seconds. Eventually, Ozpin cleared his throat, stepping forwards.
"Salem, I have to apologize," he said. "It would seem I was wrong about you. All this time, I thought you were merely crazy. Now, though, I can see that you're actually bat-shit insane. Our children are dead partly because of you, yet you want to try again? I'd ask if you've gone mad, but it's obvious you have – that little dip in the pool of destruction did about as many favors to your mind as it did to your body. Instead, I'll simply ask the far more prudent question: are you even capable of bearing children? I mean, you were pretty torn up down there after our fourth-"
He didn't get to finish, as a blast of magical energy sent him flying back into the wall. Everyone immediately readied their weapons and glared at Salem, who simply lowered her hand before scoffing.
"Like I was saying, all I want is some children," she said.
"Hang on," Jaune said. "Is that why you kidnapped me in the first place? Because you wanted kids?"
"...You seemed like you would be a good father," Salem admitted quietly. "Frankly, I'm surprised it took you this long to realize."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought what I was doing was pretty obvious given my insistence that you not wear a condom, as well as my bedroom talk. I mean, there are only so many ways one can interpret 'Knock me up, Jaune'. Unfortunately, it seems to have gone right over your head."
Well, excuse him for tuning out the rest of the world whenever he nutted. And she had no room to talk, either – her orgasms were like a fucking bomb going off, in terms of both noise and in sheer destructive power. He would have been amazed that the bedroom was still standing if he didn't know for a fact that it was still in one piece solely because Cinder had been tasked with cleaning it up – by hand, of course; he wasn't about to let the post-coital bliss prevent him from tormenting her.
Should probably get her a collar that says 'Bitch' or something. You know, really tie the whole slutty maid motif together.
Pushing that thought aside for later, Jaune instead focused on Salem, trying to determine what to do. This was certainly a quandary he had found himself in – escape was obviously not an option; not only did Salem basically have him by the balls (literally and figuratively) given their little arrangement, but he did not want to see how she would react if he tried to break up with her (not that he would; again, this was his one and only real chance to sleep with a hot monster girl, and what kind of idiot gives that up?).
"Let me get this straight," Weiss asked. "So, all of this was – kidnapping Jaune, forcing him to sleep with you – it was all just so you could get knocked up?"
"Yes," Salem replied.
"...And you thought this was okay?"
"Hey, I'm desperate, okay? I've literally been in a dry spell for thousands of years. You'd do the same thing if you were in my position."
Weiss scoffed. "Oh, as if."
Yeah, Jaune was pressing X to doubt, right there. As far as he could tell, the only romantic experience Weiss had ever had was with Neptune, and that had lasted all of a few weeks and hadn't even gotten past the handholding stage. She was basically the female equivalent of an incel. The wall may not have hit yet, but it was coming, and it was coming fast. Give it another decade or so and she'd be another bitter thirty-year-old virgin like Winter Schnee.
And speaking of hitting the wall, this whole situation was fucking crazy. Then again, on a certain level, he supposed it was to be expected – those memes about the biological clock, while undoubtedly overblown, still had a small degree of truth to them. He just thought that women hit the wall at thirty, not three-thousand, or however old Salem actually was.
"Well, this has been fun and all, but I think it's about time we left," Yang said. "C'mon Jaune, let's get out of here."
Jaune stared at her, stunned. "...Are you serious?"
"Uh, yeah? We're not just gonna leave you here. Now, let's go."
"No."
Yang, along with the rest of them, blinked in surprise. "…What?"
"You heard me," Jaune replied. "This is a good thing I've got going on."
"Jaune, you're literally banging the queen of evil," Blake pointed out.
"Yeah, and it's hot as hell."
"That's weird," Nora complained.
"Hey, as long as I'm fine with it, I see no problem."
Ren held up a hand. "Okay, pause. Care to explain why you want to stay? I mean, think about this for a second – you're basically being kept as breeding stock for the Queen of Grimm. From the sound of things, she doesn't plan to let you do much else other than sleep with her."
If the idea was to try and convince him to leave, Ren was doing a pretty shitty job of it. Jaune simply shook his head. "My friends, you don't understand. Consider the following: if I stay here, Salem will leave the world alone, right?"
Qrow hesitated. "...Well, yes, but-"
"Then, who am I to turn my nose up at that offer? Sounds like a good deal to me."
"Kid-"
"Plus, have you considered the fact that I happen to think this is a pretty good deal simply because I'm finally getting some?"
Weiss shook her head vehemently. "No. No, there's no way you could possibly consider this a good deal. There's nothing appealing about it."
"Oh, really? Gee, I wonder what could possibly be so appealing about banging a hot MILF who's just at the age where she's starting to fill out and really get curves but not at the age where it's all starting to really sag, and who will also never ever age past that point, thus meaning she's going to literally stay hot forever."
Once more, everyone exchanged a glance. "...Are you being serious right now?" Yang asked.
"No, I simply find that idea unbearable," Jaune said. "Why, how could any guy want to stay with a woman who's completely devoted to him, to the point where she's willing to set aside her genocide crusade for several decades even though she could literally wipe out all opposition in the blink of an eye? Nah, there's just nothing appealing about that. I must just be stupid or something."
"...Holy shit, you're really going to do it," Qrow said in awe.
"You're damn right," Jaune replied, nodding. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Now, are there any further objections?"
Again, everyone exchanged a glance, though none of them said anything. Jaune exhaled sharply.
"Then I guess we're done here." He looked over to Salem. "C'mon Salem, let's go make us a baby."
She gave him a slightly bewildered look, as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing. Still, she seemed happy to have heard him say it, and quickly picked him up into a bridal carry and planted a big kiss on his lips.
Jaune was vaguely aware of everyone else giving him an uncomfortable look in the background, but he ignored it because they had all just tried to ruin this for him, the bastards. Seriously, they should consider themselves lucky that he didn't just let Salem feed them all to Kevin for that.
After a few seconds, they pulled apart, staring into each other's eyes as they did so. Slowly, a lecherous grin crossed Salem's face.
"Remember our deal," she said.
Jaune's face fell. He saw his friends out of the corner of his eye and sighed in resignation.
"Of course… Mommy."
...Well, nobody said banging the Queen of the Grimm would be completely smooth sailing, after all.
"I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, read the April Fool's chapter, and just be like 'I fucking hate myself'". - Me, moments before uploading the April Fool's chapter and immediately regretting it.
Ayy lmao just fuck my whole life up, fam. Surprisingly, it was much more well-received than I thought it'd be… for some reason. Figured I'd have people up in arms since I basically took a steaming shit over several of the more popular fic premises out there, but I guess not. I'm honestly surprised. Stay tuned for next year's April Fool's chapter, where I cancel this fic a second time and "replace" it with a harem gamer fic or something.
It probably goes without saying, but the day I write an honest-to-God multiverse react fic, harem fic, or gamer fic is the day I feed myself a hollow point.
Also, I'm kind of surprised to see that I actually seem to have gotten a few people with it. I don't know whether that's more of a testament to my shitposting abilities or a scathing indictment of the state of react fics that mine apparently wasn't far off from what they're actually like now, and that's kind of sad. But to anyone who was worried: no, I am not actually canceling this fic, last chapter was for April Fool's.
Anyway, here's a pseudo-effortpost to make up for spilling a little too much shit in my shitpost last chapter.
I'd go on and on about how much fun I had writing this chapter but I'm still busy flagellating myself for the last one, so instead I'll just leave it there.
See you all next time.
Next update: Saturday, April 18.